My mum is currently going through chemotheapy. I know that long termshe is going to be ok as it has been caughtin good time. Tho it doesn’t make it any easier the fact I know she is suffering now, and finding it extreemly tough going. I don’t live near her and although i talk on phone and see her when i can, feel lost that I don’t understand how she is feeling, and she is dealing with so much on her own. All I can do is be reassuring, but i know that when i put the phone down, she is still there distressed!!
Dear Foxter
Hard as it is to go through this breast cancer treatment ourselves, I think we can all appreciate that for those who love us it is also incredibly difficult to see us trying to cope with all the challenges of the diagnosis and treatment and the mental and physical chaos that it can cause for a while. I can completely understand your sense of feeling that you are not doing enough, and that you just wish you could take the distress away for her. The fact that you are there for your mum, even at the end of a phone, is just so important. For her just to be able to tell you what she is going through, and how she feels, will mean so much. It is she who is going through this, but just listening and showing you care and accepting whatever she tells you is just what she needs from you. There are lots of publications both for the patient themselves, and families, that will help you understand more about the treatment involved, and the emotions as well. Are there other sources of support for your mum closer to her - a support group, friends, community group? Any chance of getting her “on-line” here - she would find lots of cyber friends and support! Anyway, Foxter, your mum is incredibly lucky to have you…and make sure that you care for yourself as well, as this will all be taking a toll on you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you sound a wonderful daughter. Sarah.
Ho Foxter - I found it incredibly difficult to deal with the emotions of my sister (no parents) and friends when first diagnosed. I think I was in a blur, and didn’t want to upset my friends on the phone, as most of them live 200 miles away. What I did find incredibly comforting, was a note, a card, a DVD (a funny one that made me laugh and forget my troubles for a couple of hours), little gifts of crystals and toiletries, and when I felt up to it, answering the phone, although my wonderful hubby fielded most of them for me.
Sarah is so on the button with her advice. Just being there for her at the end of the phone is probably all she can deal with right now, and she is so lucky to have such a caring daughter. Don’t beat yourself up… you can’t be in two places at once, and I am sure your Mum is coping the best way she can. She knows you have your own life and live away, but that phone is your lifeline to her. So is the post!
Take care.
Liz.
A p.s. Foxter, having just read through your posting and my reply again. Just a thought, but you wrote “I know she is going to be OK” and about being reassuring. Sometimes when people have been diagnosed with breast cancer and are going through the treatment they want to be able to talk about their very worst fears. That, of course, is that they will be one of the unlucky ones for whom the treatment does not mean a cure. There can be very few of us who at sometime do not think, even fleetingly “does this mean I’ll die of breast cancer”. You often read here how the person with breast cancer gets frustrated at everyone telling them to be positive etc. Is it at all possible that what your mum needs to be able to do with you, either on the phone or in person, is to be able to talk with you about her fears, honestly and openly? Hard to hear when you are her daughter, but it just might be what she needs to be able to talk to you about. Doing so won’t change the outcome, won’t make the treatment not work, but might take a burden off her mind. Good luck, and do let us know how your mum gets on. Sarah.
Hi there Foxter,
Welcome to the forums, I can see that you have already received valuable advice, support and information from your fellow users. In addition, if you feel it would help to talk things through on a one to one basis, you are welcome to call our confidential helpline on 0808 800 6000 for more support for yourself whilst you are finding out how best to support your Mum. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.
Best wishes
Lucy
Thank you for all your help. There was some fantastic advice there. Especially about the whole being too positive thing, as i get annoyed with that myself with people saying “oh it is cuaght early it will be fine” Because however true it is, it doesn’t stop the pain now!!! and however had it is for me to hear when she is fearing the worst… if she wants to tell some one i would rather hear it then know it is eating her up without any outlet
I am delighted to say she has found this webstie and reccommeneded it to me!!
And thank you Liz for your advice, i have tried to send little things to her when I can to make her smile…
She is feeling a bit better then early on in the week so that is good!!
Hi Foxter - Great to hear back from you, and that your mum is feeling a little brighter. Best news of all is that your mum has found this site. It is a source of such support and friendship - of the cyber variety of course, but no less valuable for that! So hello, Foxter’s mum, if you are reading this. A huge welcome, and although I am sorry you have had to join us I am really glad you found us! Do let us know how the treatment goes. Best wishes to you both. Sarah.
Hi Foxter,
so pleased you are still coming on to this forum for emotional support. All of us here, whether patients or families know exactly what you are going through, and I have often thought it is worse for our partners,family and friends, as we are so focused on getting through the treatment. Five years ago the thought truly never occurred to me that I may die of this disease, I just wanted to take all the treatment offered. Perhaps the brain has some kind of mechanism that shuts those thoughts out - I don’t know why, not a psychologist. Down the line I do… my husband, sister and loyal friends, did think I wouldn’t make it - but I did!! They all seem very wary of asking survival questions, and as for myself, feel too much information to them is overload. They just don’t seem able to deal with it - which is why this forum is an absolute godsend.
I have some unusual gifts that friends, particularly in the US, sent to me when going through treatment, which I don’t need, and if you want them to send to your Mum, please send me a pm and I will package them up and post onto you - I will be the silent angel on her shoulder!
I personally don’t believe in the mumbo jumbo about crystals, but some of my friends do, and who knows if they have helped keep me in remission?
If you want some DVD’s for your Mum (is she on her own?) I can also send you some funny yet uplifting ones. They did help me during chemo when I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep, but knew I had to take an interest in something besides being “under the duvet”.Daytime tv is the pits and I just couldn’t even be bothered with it - but a funny film was quite different. My scientist husband even enjoyed them, although not normally his cup of tea. Guess it was a way of “being together” even if only for a couple of hours.
You sound as if you are doing an exceptional job in keeping your Mum’s spirits up. Don’t dwell too much on how she feels when you finish a phone call, as it is counter productive for you - she will just be so glad that you called. We all get downhearted at times with a bc diagnosis, but with the help of family and friends, we somehow get through the treatment. An old saying comes to mind: “the body may be weak but the spirit is strong”…
Hang in there, and take care of yourself too.
Hugs,
Liz.
This post is just a sounding board really as today is a scary day. I have just found out that mum has been rushed in to hospital. She has had problems with blood count for a few weeks and over the weekend has been given injections to do herself over the weekend which has been quite emotional for her. Then yesterday she started feeling very nuatious and this morning her temprature rocketed and her bllod cells count severely dropped so they have taken her in. She is being kept in hospital over night. I am so scared right now. I also worry about how my dad will be coping as I offered to come stay with him but he is happier coping on his own (I can be quite irritating in a good way).
It has left me feeling more helpless and scared for her than ever as it is not appropriate for me to go visit her.
Today is definitly not a good day…!!
Hi Foxter,
I know you can’t help worrying about your mum but to help reassure you I was admitted twice durning my chemo treatment due to infection - my friend called to see me with her two yearold who had a cold and I caught it - they admitted me for 5 days and gave me IV antibioctics. Also my whict blood cells very low througout treatment and my Onc put me on nepregenia jabs for 9 days out of my 3 weekly chemo cycle and then changed it to neuolast and only had to have one each cycle.
angie
HI Foxter, yes, as Angie says, this is very, very common. Lots of us have been through the same and although it is scary for you it is very much standard practice to admit someone if they have low neutropils and a temperature. What a shame for your mum as she was having the injections to try to stop this happening, but it still can. Try not to worry too much, although we all know it is easier said than done. Let us know when you have more news about your mum. Sarah x