I had primary BC diagnosed November 2007. My Mum, aged 78, was diagnosed with primary BC and secondaries to lungs and bones in December 2009. Her BC is hormone negative but HER positive and she has had two Herceptin treatments.
She has now decided to stop Herceptin and not to have any chemo (radiotherapy did not help) as she says it is pointless and she just wants nature to take its course. This has been hard for me and my sister to accept but we have done so.
Anyway what I really want to say is that I can’t believe how quickly she is deteriorating. I always thought older people’s BC was less aggressive. She is very breathless and cannot lie down. She has a Macmillan nurse and the GP and District nurse involved but she seem to be determined to be as unco-operative as possible and to refuse whatever help is offered. I understand she doesn’t want chemo etc, but when the GP is offering extra medication and the OT is offering things to help her in the flat, I am really struggling to understand why she is refusing things that would make life a bit easier.
My friend, who works with older people, says that many of her clients are like this, that it gives them at least a small amount of control over what is happening to them and also if they do NOT have this extra help then everyone rallies round them more.
It would be good to hear from anyone who has had a loved one do the same. Thanks.
How sad to hear about your Mum. My own lovely Mum died of bowel cancer 8yrs ago. She was such a fighter. When she was told that there was nothing they could do about her cancer her immediate response was, ‘Well I won’t have anyone say I’m dying. I’m alive and I’m living and that’s how it will be until I’m no longer here.’ And that was exactly what she did. I looked after her at home and at first she wouldn’t have any help from anyone else but eventually, when she knew the time was right, she accepted help from the hospice nurses who were wonderful.
It sounds like your Mum is doing the same. I suppose it’s their way of saying that this wretched disease is not going to get the better of them. I’m sure that when she feels ready, your Mum will accept more help. I think you have to take it a step at a time. It’s so hard to see someone you love suffering but I believe that we have to be guided by what they want and go with their wishes.
My thoughts are with you and your Mum. I know how hard this must be for you. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Wishing you all the very best.
I just wanted to say hi and i am so sorry for what you are and your mother are going through. Our mothers are so precious to us.
I agree with esme it is so hard to watch someone go through this, you can feel so helpless. I lost my mother 6 years ago to BC she didn’t talk about it she had secondaries and with trial drugs had 6 years but deteriorated very fast at the end. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to anyone, i could see she was scared but she just refused to talk. She also refused many things in the house, i think through pride and maybe not wanting to seem that she needed extra help or assistance. I didn’t know what to do for the best but just was there and did what i could.
I am sending you my best wishes and will be thinking of you.
Thank you for your replies. Yes it is helplessness that I feel, that I don’t know of anything I can do to assist. Also it is the unpredictability of the disease. It is bad enough seeing her so ill and knowing she is dying but even worse that I have no idea of how long she will live. Yes, she is sinking fast but then I read that people can live on and on, even when they are dreadfully ill. I also don’t know whether to hope she goes quickly so there is less suffering or to hope she goes on a while longer.
So sorry you are going through such a hard time with your mum. My mum has lung cancer (it’s me who has breast cancer) so I know something of what you are feeling. My sisters and I have been much luckier in a way. Our mum who is 74 has come through chemo and 2 lots of radiotherapy and is currently doing well despite having brain secondaries. I well remember how I felt when she was first diagnosed. I just wanted to take her place and do it for her because I felt so helpless.
I know that the common belief is that old people’s cancers are less aggressive but HER2+ ones are usually more aggressive at whatever age.
Hopefully the nurses will be able to persuade her to take pain relief at least. It sounds as though you and your sister are doing all you can and that she knows this is all that matters.
Thank you. Mum is in hospital as she had to have a load of fluid drained off her lungs. The District Nurse is being very supportive. At least in hospital she has had a proper painkiller regime and he is amazed that her pain has gone. We keep trying to say “and that is what you need to do when you are at home”
I am sorry to hear about your Mum, Jan. Hope she continues reasonably well.
I’m glad your mum is more comfortable now. Hopefully she will agree to carry on with the painkillers now that she believes they do make a difference to the quality of her life. It must be a bit of a comfort to you and your sister.
Thanks for your good wishes. My mum continues to do well and is leading a pretty normal life for now.
Hi Louise.I’m sorry to hear about your mum. My mum has incurable secondary ovarian cancer, she’s having 1 last ditch attempt at chemo but we all know the out come eventually. Last week my sis and I met with mums macmillan nurse who was lovely and didnt tell us anythign we dont already know, but having it confirmed that we will probably loose her before the end of the year was hard. My mum,like yours is stuborn and doesnt seem to realise that if she takes her anti-nausea pills and morphine regularly that her symptoms will be better controlled.I garee with others that its about still being in control of your life and not wanting to give in to the cancer.
i hope your mum carries on with the pain releif now and is more comfortable.
I am sorry to tell you that Mum passed away in hospital yesterday. She took a sudden turn for the worse in the morning and my sister and I were there when she died, quite peacefully after just a couple of moments of struggle. It is merciful that it has been quick; I was dreading seeing her get worse and worse. However, I am still in shock as it has happened earlier than expected.
I am sending good wishes to your Mum and family, knitnut. Hope they can make her comfortable and you can have some quality time together before she gets too poorly
On behalf of all the moderation team here at BCC, please accept our sincere condolences on the loss of your mum. If you feel you need to talk to someone do give the helpline a ring they’ll be only too happy to talk to you and support you through this.
Oh Louise, sorry to hear that. As you say, at least she didn’t suffer for too long, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Best of luck that you find some peace with all of this, xJacqx.
Hello Louise
just wanted to send love and condolences. losing a mum is so hard, even when it becomes the kindest thing. Glad for you that you and your sister were with your mum - I found that a great comfort when my mum died in 2007.
love, monica xxx
I have not spoken to you before but just wanted to say I am so sorry you have lost your mum. Losing mine was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My sincere condolences to you and your family.
Thank you so much to everyone who has sent their condolences; it has come as a terrible shock as I thought she had months left. But I am glad she went peacefully and quickly