I often have days like this. I feel so miserable and lonely. I keep plodding on but still come back to these feelings. Sometimes I try and sometimes I just can’t be bothered anymore. I felt so sad this evening that I couldn’t stop myself crying and sobbing in front of my children. Usually I am grumpy and angry, snappy and tired. I have been like this for years. My husband-to-be has been dead for five years and I still have this gaping hole in my heart and in my life. I want us to be a normal, happy family, but I can’t make that happen when our family is broken. I keep trying but I hate it. I hate being on my own. I hate doing everything on my own. I hate having all the responsibility on my ownn. And now… how on earth will I ever not be alone. How can I meet anyone when I feel so wretched all of the time. And now by body is so ugly. How can I ever meet anyone looking like this. Even if the reconstruction turns out OK I will never look right. I don’t want to be alone anymore with all this responsibility. I don’t want to do it anymore. And yet, maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week, I will plod on once again. Waiting. Waiting. If only I could feel in love again.
Hi Sammidiz
Sound like you are having a really rotten time at the moment, so very difficult trying to put a brave face on in front of children, when you feel so down, but l am sure they know their Mum and you will be brighter tomorrow, because that is what we Mums do!
I just looked back through some of your posts, and l see you were diagnosed with under active thyroid many years ago, have you spoken to your gp about this, because a side effect is depression!
You need to get yourself on the road to recovery before you worry about meeting anyone, l remember another lady on here saying she feels ugly and would never meet anyone, but seeing her posts a couple of days ago, l see she has met someone, so never say never.
Please speak to your gp about your thyroids, perhaps he can suggest something to help the depression.
Love and Hugs
Sandra xxx
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low. I know it’s so hard to be up and optimistic all of the time, when inside we’re unravelling. I hope the tears relieved even a little of the pressure, you’ve been thru a terrible, terrible ordeal and you’re only human. Sometimes you just can’t keep it all to youself. You’ve had an awful lot of crap to deal with on your own, no wonder it gets you down. It’s pretty normal whatever normal is! to feel like you do at times. I wish I could wave a magic wand and say that you will be in love again and that this will all be a distant (horrible, extremely painful) memory. All I can do is say that I sincerely hope that you find love again and that your pain eases.
Have you tried talking to someone about how you feel? Often talking to someone you don’t know can enable you to say stuff that you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to friends and family. This forum is fantastic for being able to offload, rant, ask advice and just to share how you feel.
On a practical note, I don’t know much about reconstruction but, when I worked in Plastics (in nhs) many women were treated there (with BC) that had recons. The surgery wasn’t always easy or plain-sailing by any means but most of the women were glad they’d had their op.
Sending you a huge yet gentle cyberhug, take care and be kind to yourself,
x
Hi Sandra. I am on medication for depression. I was put back on it at the end of last year to calm me down before my first op in Jan ! My thyroid function had gone overactive so I was really anxious and losing weight. I am also seeing a counsellor at the macmillan centre. But I have seen counsellors before and been on antidepressants before but it juust seems to be never ending and as soon as I start to move a little bit forward in life something else comes along to kick me down. Honestly, I’m certain I must have done something bad in a past life to keep being hit by these things. I just feel that if my man was here then I could deal with it, I could be more positive and I could have things to look forward to, things to share togetherr, have time for myself without neglecting my children, and be supported by him when I’m not feeling strong. I’m sorry to go on, I just feel so alone. x
Awww hello sounds like you need a hug hun (((hugs sammidiz))) even if life is a bowl of cherries the pips can make you choke at times.I’m so sorry you feel so down but please don’t speak so bad of yourself.You have to have self worth and belief to smile in life.I believe in calling a spade a spade but I do believe laughter is the best cure.It brings chemicals from the brain down that not only own feel good factors but have pain killing qualities as well.
Raising kids alone is a tough call so is missing someone the way you do but being sad about it all only adds to the misery you feel.
I was like you hun it doesn’t work, I was raising 2 kids as a single mum via a wheelchair after fleeing my homeland to get us to safety,crossing a sea and declaring myself homeless.I felt so so much as you do.What with the chair,epilepsy and a blood disorder I hated me so I just couldn’t see anyone ever liking me.But laughing felt so good and brings diversion as it also even stops conversations getting to serious so avoids tons of touchy issues.Laughing drew people to me and I have never had so many boyfriends since getting the wheelchair and gaining a sense of humour(needed one to as each of them turned out to be right toss pots hehe)but that happens to everyone not just me we all get wronguns.
Anyhow I finally found the one for me Two years ago,we have been engaged one year and now I get a bloody big lump that needs sorting!the thought of leaving him or my kids behind is scary so I laugh because laughter brings down the chemicals that stop that darkness and allow you to think clearly with an uncluttered head and fight it properly,the rabbit who freezes gets squished the rabbit who uses the light from the headlamps to find a route laughs another day.My life threatening illnesses have caused me to loose and see the loss of many people and to see many who weren’t expected to live do so.Most of those that did get past it owned a sicker sense of humour than any sickness or ailment.It works hun honestly I’m a cripple and a nut job but I’m a wise and a funny one who keeps getting back up,it’s too dusty down there now I can’t run round with a hoover xxxx
Im living on my own with three kids (two teenagers) and about to start chemo - i can relate to many of your comments. My family has been broken too after my husband went last year , having an affair. I have had some very sad and unhappy days over past 18 months and now i have cancer diagnosis… i just wanted to say hello ( i am quite new to this having been diagnosed in september 2010) , make the connection and perhaps send a hug to some of you as folk have already done for me…just knowing there are folk there is reassuring.
i was alone with 2 children when was dx back in 1996 the youngest 16 wk old, thought id never get throught it and i wont pretend its been easy cos it def hasnt, but im still here and do enjoy life albeit still single, really hope you start to feel better soon xxx
Hello, I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and thanx for all your comments and well wishes. I havn’t posted on here for a while but do keep reading the forums. I don’t think I’ve found anyone to connecct with and I feel like I don’t ‘fit in’ anywhere. I have had drastic surgery but (thankfully) not the ‘usual’ follow-up treatments. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to write and to wish those of you still having treatment all the very best.
Hugs from Samm xx