Hello Bev, What can I say, except that I have found lots of help and made lots of friends on here,they are a lovely group . I don't know what is normal, but all of us on here are sharing the feelings that you have. Not sure if this will help you re returning to work, but I was off some years ago for over 4 months-work related stress- ie useless bosses. I went back on phased return, I was also very anxious. my doctor suggested having one nominated person, meet me and walk in with me etc. and stayed with me for that first hour. If you are in a school is there a classroom assistant or someone similar who could support you for first few days. it does get easier, Also what age group do you teach, my young grandchildren are unaware of what i have had done, they will probably just be delighted to see you again. Can you start back soon, before christmas, then everyone will be so involved with Christmas and all very excited, am sure it will brush off on you.
What type of counselling are you having. i had a one to one, also the CBT on line, found that good, also some group meetings, that was good as you then realise that you are the only one. I go to a meeting once a month for BC ladies, we have a coffee and chat and sometimes a guest speaker, we are all at various stages. -ask your BC nurse if there is something near you. i live near Bath.
Carol, O you did make me laugh.
Naz Glad your feeling brighter.
Tracy, How did Monday go.
Me, I'm still a bit sore, so being very careful not to lift/carry etc. and end of tongue still numb ?? but feeling much happier so hope its here to last . at least for a while.
Hope you are all ok. as usual sending lots of Huggles Jenny.
Bev. Huggles is my little grandsons special word, which I'm sure he would share with us he is just 6 and still cute.
Hi Bev12 and welcome to the BCC forums where you will soon have lots of support and shared experiences from your fellow users
Our helpliners are also on hand with emotional and practical support for you so please feel free to call on 0808 800 6000, lines open during the week 9-5 and Sat 10-2
You may find the BCC 'Moving forward' page helpful and here's a link, you will find further support and information here:
Hi Naz, Tracy, Kirsty. Jenny & everyone else.
I've been away on holiday, (Don't like to announce I am going away on line in case I get a burglar lol )
I was back on Sunday, & have read the threads but didn't know quite how to speak to you all.
I'm so sorry to hear your all feeling so fed up with life.
I do wish my friend was still here, she would have you laughing so much , she had such a knack of saying the right things at the right time.
She would send me emails with things like
Now that your going to be a chemo chick,
You'll be sick as a parrot,
Bald as a cuet, ( Can't spell sorry, its a bird)
& tit (less)
Body wise, I am guessing your all a lot younger than me.
I opted for the flat chest, except that it's not flat, & one side is bigger than the other.
as I had both sides done together, I did ask if there had been 2 people working on me as each side is different to the other. lol ( well you have to laugh or you would cry)
I do have a bra, with the softy's, but only wear it if I go some were special.
Hence I look pear shape, lol
( Have I got you laughing yet??)
When I saw the surgeon I asked him,
Did you push my boobs into my stomach, as I don't remember it being this big,
Do you know what he said.
That's because you had something there to hide it before.
( Still not laughing, I guess I wouldn't make a very good comedian, I have tried though)
Yes my body is ugly,
I've been butchered,
& I'M STILL HERE MR CANCER
I get dizzy spells, ache all over, ( I am thinking from the tablets) get depressed, get horrible thoughts & dreams that its coming back.
Tonight my arms are going numb, feel kind of funny. ( Might have been on the computer to long )
Still don't know what is wrong with the shoulder pain. which can travel down the arm.
Getting slight warnings that its coming in the other shoulder.
Was feeling very down before my yearly check up, but they recon everything is ok at the moment.
Been on holiday, just to Scotland, but it was a break, & I guess that helped.
I hope all goes well for you all, with anything your having done. & I hope I have made you laugh & forget things for a while.
Lots of Huggles ( Love the new word) to you all
Hello Tracy and everyone
The black cloud is lifting and the sun is shining through again..
My mammogram is due on the 6th Dec, so that is playing on my sub conscious at the moment i think and my body, well it is ongoing really, i am, trying to accept it as best as i can.
Tracy - Will be thinking of you next Monday xxx How are you feeling at the moment with the pain?
Kirstie - How are you today? I am sure onmce you have had your reconstrction chat next year, you may feel better about things? Are you still off work?
Jenny - Not long for your daughter now. i bet she is exhausted and such a busy few weeks ahead with Christmas approaching.
Carol - You have gone quiet - all okay?
It is a lovely sunny day up in Cheshire today, i am taking my 9 yr old daughter and her friend bowling shortly and then we are off to my parents for the weekend, so that should be nice. I am meeting up with an old school friend on Sat night and we are going the cinema.
Take care all, hope to hear from you soon.
Oh dear Naz and Kirstie,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling down and fed up. It is certainly a challenge every day when we wake up and see our bodies, but remember how far you have come Naz and how many other ladies you have helped on here. You are here to collect your children from school, make cakes, walk through the autumn leaves and start and gently plan for Christmas. The knack on this journey is to be mindful and keep busy. I went for the full MRI scan on Sat and it was very claustrophobic. I have been in the polo mint scanner before but this was like a toilet roll tube, with the machine and equipment very close to your face. I was in the scanner over 50 minutes as they did the full spine. I get the results next Monday.
If you think the dark feelings are getting worse then ring your Breast Care Nurse as they are trained to listen to our worries and fears. Or make an appointment to see your GP.....but dont suffer in silence.
Get rid of all your negative vibes on here so that you are ready to face the world with a cheerful face and thankful heart that we have survived.
Sending you both positive vibes and healing thoughts Tracy xxx
Hi Naz & Kirstie and everyone else.
I'm up and down feel like I'm on a see saw but never knowing which way am going to be when wake up. Frustrated. I'm healing nicely, and being sensible not to do too much was too keen last time so more careful now. The back of my left hand was red and bruised and uncomfortable over the weekend, so have been watching it as they stuck the line in it, should of used rt one. !!! It looks better today,
I was back at the hospital today, but not for me, went with my daughter for check up- she has about 5-6 wks to go before baby arrives. question is will we get through Xmas day??? at least its something to take my mind off things., I'm back either not sleeping at night or sleeping allday, can't seem to get it right. Like you say its a very long journey. But we will all get there in the end, and can help each other along the way,
Take Care Huggles to you all
Can only ask the same question 😞 I am still waiting for my reconstruction. Also feeling in a low mood last few days! Was thinking back to last Chrismas I was still having chemo last one in January, so I should brighten my mood but finding it difficult, My joints are aching loads dont know whether the colder weather adds to this and my back, I must admit it wasnt the best before all this but much worse now!!
Feeling very down in the dumps over the last couple of days.
I hate body and the reconstruction, but the alternative seems worse!
Why is it all so hard, this stupid 'journey'?
Ah thank you Jenny
I dont know what the matter is half the time, it's been 4 years since DX and i still have these days of doom and gloom. Saying that, i know i have far more good days now than before. It is the body thing that makes me down the most. The fact that it is all numb and scarred, that it feels odd and i will never feel the same sensations there ever again, it's so hard to accept at times.
Glad you hear your grandaughter had a lovely birthday, she does indeed sound very tiny - my daughter is 9 and in size 11-12 clothes, because she is tall! Does she do Guides? I have trying to get Gabrielle to do Brownies for over a year, but to no avail - not interested and it is a lovely group too!
I am sure you will feel better once the last op is done. It all takes such a long time doesn't it.
i don't think some people reaslise what a long journey this is, even once the cancer is gone!
Anyway, have a good day today.
Hi Naz, I can sympathize with you and how you describe your body. I had check up at hospital this morning, my surgeon took all the dressings off, and is very pleased with how it looks and how it is healing, \then he went on to discuss having my right side worked on to make a match. he had me stood up looking in the mirror. I think i described my rt side as disgusting,probably not the best word to use but at least he knows how I feel, its strange but I can cope with the new reduced left one, but find the original one ugly, probably because I was rather large 40e.will probably end up c cup.so big difference between the before and after and he says that is more in line with my overall body size, anyway he has provisionally said it will be done early March,as he would like left side to settle down. So I am telling myself that I will feel happier once the op is done, and I get back into nice bras. Like you feeling very down at moment, must be the weather lol. could cry OH has been tetchy today,manflu everything is my fault,
Anyway my grandaughter had a lovely day yesterday, I enjoyed some birthday cake- blow the diet. she is another one 10 going on..19. she is very petite-still in size 6-7 clothes, trying to find a very small guide uniform. It must be twice as hard for you dealing with all this with a young family, but we are always here, and although I actually only have one daughter I have several honoury ones- friends of my daughter, same as she has second mum -my best friend. so am sure i can add you to the collection.so as the youngest one says- sending lots of Huggles.
Take Care everyone. Jenny
Hi how is everyone?
Jenny good to hear from you, how are you feeling? Not long to go for your daughter now - around Christmas time. You mention she is bringing the children up alone? That must be tough, but she has all of your support i am sure.
The reconstruction drags me down at times and i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but i hate it. I couldn'r face a flat chest, but nothing really prepared me for reconstruction. The scars, the numbness and the sheer ugliness of it. It feels as though i have a numb piece of something, stuck on my chest - purely cosmetic.
I often wonder if i dreamt of the MX, did it really happen and when i wake and find recon stil there, i remember it did happen. I dont like my body any longer and i can't get past the fact it is permanent, forever!
Sorry, have gone on, but that is how i feel today and for lots of days..
Tracy -Still thinking of you and hope that pain isn't too overbearing for you xxx
Hi Naz, Its been cold but dry here today I'm near Bath (M4 J17 is 3milws away) I 'm very tired today, so I'm wearing my onsie, not very elegant but cumfy. At least the pain/discomfort has eased. OH had to patch me up last night, got a blood blister?? which popped on side/back under the dressings . still got numb end to tongue-very strange. but feeling more normal whatever normal is.
Naz I sympathise with you, about the reconstruction, how far along the road are you, I keep telling myself that I will be ok by my birthday next year or at least in time for my daughters 40th in June. Yes she is very tired but still found the time and energy to call over last week.- Pinkie is due 27 Dec.-but mummy was cleaning kitchen cupboards yesterday-nesting.... she is bringing them up on her own.
On Weds the oldest -Chloe is 10. so it will be presents and cake after school. so that will be a lovely afternoon. I will get showered and put on a nice top(&trousers of course) and do the hair and face.
Take Care all of you.
Hello how is everyone?
It is a grey and rainy day here in Cheshire today..boo hoo..!
Tracy, good to hear from you. Christmas shopping?? I never know where to start..bought my son a 'onesie' today, one of these all in one sleep suits - odd looking thing, but he likes them!
Hope you enjoyed your servcice last night?
Jenny - How are you feeling today? i don't know much about anti D's, but if they make you feel better and are non addictive, then stick with them. As Tracy said, be careful about dose reduction.
Another one who has done Christmas shopping! Your daughter must be feeling exhausted at the minute, when is she due? And 3 little ones to care for aswell?
I am okay, feeling very tired today. I need a new job big time, I currently work mornings and evenings and am getting so tired at the minute for some reason. Also just missing my old body AGAIN. I hate reconstruction!
Any bye for now, before i go off on a rant.
Hi Tracy, Thanks for the message, no I won't stop or reduce the anti D as I have heard that there can be some on reactions. its just that the pharmasist has said that they can cause heart problems in an older person, so its a no win situation. it will be up to my Dr to decide if and when I get to see her. I've been on them for about 6years, originally due to work issues.
Sorry your back is giving you so much trouble. hope you enjoy the service - I didn't go to the service/ceremonies this morning. my OH was doing his bit and has been to an evening one as well should be home shortly. he is deputy Mace Bearer, so doing the full role this evening. including the white gloves. I've just done a lot of sitting around as woke up early with a lot of niggly pain- especially where drain was. OH is threatening me with trip to hospital tomorrow if its still bad. Mmmm lets just hope it goes away.
I have done most of the xmas shopping, my daughter and I went a few weeks ago, as we realised that neither of us would be up for it now. she is doing well but gets very tired, guess that it is harder being pregant with 3 young ones needing feeding .and fetching from school etc.
Think I am calmer than I was yesterday, still feeling mixed up but not so tearful .
Best wishes and the usual Huggles to you all
Hi Jen ,
I would be careful about reducing the anti depressant medication too quickly as it may make you feel very strange. Our bodies have to get used to the reduced dose. I started out on 50mg , increased to 100mg , 150mg , then 200mg as it just didnt seem to work. It took well over 7 to 8 weeks to feel any benefit. Anyway I tried to reduce it far too quickly and ended up having a bit of a meltdown, so please be careful. The GP was very sympathetic with me and helped me understand that if I was taking a blood pressure tablet or any other medication I would not try to wean myself off it. Why do we try with the Happy pills ?? Because we still know that to the outside world there is a stigma about anti depressants. Well never mind , we need them and I have stayed on 100mg now for well over 6 months and will not consider reducing back down to 50mg until after Christmas.
Are we all getting ready for Christmas ? I started a bit of shopping yesterday but struggled with the back ache to do an awful ot as I soon felt very tired.
Off to Breathing Space at church tonight for a lovely relaxing service. Take good care of yourselves .Sending love and positive vibes to you all. Tracy xxx
Hello Everyone, I'm having a very quiet day today. sort of managed a shower and hairwash, so felt more human after.also managed a short walk to local spar for paper 20mins round trip. I'm telling myself that I have only a few days to go until stitches out etc. it is nothing like as painful as last year, but still needing to take tablets. and the dressing is making my skin very itchy.and I can still feel where the drain was. but I'm much luckier than all of you. I'm hoping the breast care nurse can explain a few things on Thurs at least she listens- the whole team are something special. .as The end of my tongue is still numb. also the anthethatist put the line into my left arm, should only use the right. so far no swelling, but why, and I had an ID band on saying do not use. I just get very fed up with people(experts/authority) not listening, The pharmacist at the hospital said I should speak with my local GP re one of the tablets I take regularly and have the strength reduced... its an anti depressant, so not sure that now is the ideal time to reduce it, also trying to get an appt with GP is nightmare. can be 4 week wait. they have wound me up so much there that when I saw the nurse the week before op my BP was high 143/97 so she said after op I must see Dr. my BP is never high. it was quite steady in hospital at about 117/70 and they were pleased with it.-I went because I had nasty sore throat & cough. guess what-its viral take some paracetamol??it will go in time. It is back to the same old thing, that because all the C was removed last year everything is now ok, and I should be ok.and that I am making a fuss about nothing and that I should just get on with it. I'm dreaming that when I have the op to reduce the right side to match the left, I will go in as a caterpillar and emerge as the butterfly.
Sorry for the big winge, just feeling sorry for myself, and as you all put it its hard to express your feelings to some people, but all you lovely ladies(friends) on here understand.
Huggles to you all.
Thank you for your kind words. It is always good to hear from you.
I know what you mean about seeing the world through different eyes as this was something that happened to me as well. I noticed much more about nature, simple things like a snail crawling along a leaf , a spider spinning a web and the birds singing every morning waiting to be fed. It is amazing that we can miss so much , then when we are faced with our own potential early death we start to enjoy simple pleasures. I guess we learn to be more grateful for what we have and we surround ourselves with family and friends who we love so much and know they love us, just the way we are.
I am trying to keep busy , so I am catching up on my emails as my hubby as gone to the football today. My cousin is in Aussie and I owe her a letter . I have been at work this morning fromr 9am to 1pm and I did a small amount of Xmas shopping afterwards , but walking around the shops made me feel very tired.I am relaxing now on the sofa with a nice mug of tea.
Lots of love Tracy xxx
To dear Tracy
I am sad you are in such pain and i wish i had that magic wand to take it away from you.
The scan seems so far away and you are struggling so at the moment.
I am not religious, but i am having some kind of spiritual experience, something i would only dare share with those who may understand. I am seeing the world throgh a different looking glass and it feels nice but strange. The new world contains only those who matter and you are one of them on my 'virtual list' and so i am hoping that the pain is sorted for you soon.
The driving anxiety is better as i have left the old and have started with the new. I don't get that racing heart and feeling of wanting to pass out once behind the wheel as much as i used to.
Take care of yourself.
Hello Naz, Jen, Debs, Carol, Kirstie and any other followers of our thread ........
Thank you all for thinking of me ........
I have the date of my scan. It is next Sat 16th in the afternoon. I have been in pain in the mornings from waking up to going to bed again at night. I have been struggling in to work , then had no energy left to come and chat with you all. I am sorry , ...... I have not deserted this thread. I often check in for a little read , but then find I do not want to write down how I am feeling , as in general I am not a negative person. However I have been feeling weak and mentally drained.
I have also been wondering if I am dreaming about the pain. I have explored the idea of Psychosomatic pain and the interaction between the mind and the body and the internal conflicy between the two caused by stress. I amust be making it all up. BUT the pain is so bad. I will be really pleased when I am able to have the scan , then visit the spinal surgeon for a review.
We all had a lovely time in Ashford in Kent. We took my parents as it was her cousins 90th Birthday so we made a weekend of it, calling at Folkestone on the way and Canterbury on the way home.
Naz I did not realise that you had a problem with driving. When we chatted at length before it was usually about body image . You have overcome so much , so I am confident that this is something else that you will conquer in your own good time. I only like driving to places that I know very well. I do not drive to any place that is new on my own and I much prefer to be driven around as a passenger. I guess small trips with friends may be the way forward just concentrating on why you are going to the next town or shopping instead of the actual driving. Again , to be mindful of the coffee shop or treat in store at the end of the trip.
I am sending you all lots of love for a lovely weekend.......please forgive me if I dont check in too much ..
Big Huggles to you all.... Tracy xxxxxx
Hi Everyone, Carol I can just picture you all in the ward, there is always one spoil sport. Well one of the hip ladies was into her 80's a great gran and not a size 10.. with wicked sense of humour, not sure exactly what happened as screens were around, but heard lots of noise and then the staff saying we are going to put you on the floor.oops . we will get the hoist... then 2 young(well younger than us) male ortho.doctors came to the rescue, they just happened to be on the ward and they scooped her up. well she said that they had made her day much better than the hoist. think it made ours as well. only trouble was it hurts to laugh
I realise that i'm in the group where people walked in front of cars-well nearly as i have granchildren similar ages to your children we have boy six in Oct, boy who will be 8 in jan and the little girl (stil in size 6-7yrs clothes) who is 10 next weds. I wouldn't be with out them, they always put a smile on my face. The youngest got 0 out of 6 on his spellings a few weeks ago. well done said his mum, you're the first in the house to do that. his reply, do I get a reward for that.....
Carol you sound cheerful, and have certainly made me smile. the extra sleep helps, i have been like that for about 5 years, its hard coping on 3 hours, so I have just had a long siesta today.
Naz so sorry about your driving, just take it day by day, next time when you get into car and are anxious just remind yourself that you did it the day before ok and the one before that . take a few deep breaths long and slow ,maybe put your favourite cd on.
Debbie so sorry about your daughters fall, i know how upset my g.daughter would be. she hurt her ankle when she was 5 and was on crutches, still gets a bit of a problem with it, but it didn't stop her playing in a cricket tounrament and representing her school.they came second in this area.
Tracy & Kirstie, I hope you are both well.
You have mentioned meditation, not tried that but have gone to yoga, and I find it fantastic i am lucky that there is a lady who runs a studio, who does some special classes, and I have been going to one every Thursday in between ops it is just about 6 to 10 of us all with injuries or similar, and she is very watchful. it is very relaxing, gentle controlled exercise, meeting others, and all in all a lovely hour and half. o and a lot of relaxing at the end, so much so that usually at least one person falls asleep, so lots of laughter as we tidy up the mats. I am hoping to go to a special one on sat 14 , all about the Lymphatic system and immmunity, but don't think i will be doing many moves, stitches only come out on the Thurs. but it will get me out
Well thats enough waffle from me,
and as always, warm Huggles .
Ah Carol you have a fantastic sense of humour!
Glad to hear from you and that yesterday went well with the breast nurse. iIneed to go get some jobs done now, but will be back later on.
Bye for now
Yes Naz, I feel much better today. Went for my check up yesterday. Was worrying all,the way, in fact I took the wrong road thinking about it & had to turn round. Its about 1 1/2 hours drive from me depending on traffic.
I was worrying that it would be a breast nurse I didn't know, ( I don't know about the rest of you but I prefer someone who knows me, just gives you that bit of security)
& yes it was a breast nurse I didn't know, but she turned out really nice, I got all upset when some how my friends name came into the conversation, but some how she turned my tears to a smile & then a laugh. She really put me at ease. After prodding & poking me about she said she thought I was fine & they would see me again in a years time unless I was worried about any thing, Me worried, I wouldn't do that , lol ( I can laugh now, I know I'm being stupid, but you just can't help your selves.
Even after I left the hospital, I was still in the down mood for some reason,but feel a lot better this morning,( The sun is shinning.) & I actually slept for six hours last night. 3's usually my limit.
Debbie, my fingers are crossed for you that you get a good report from your scan, & that you get it sooner rather than later.
I had a x ray on my shoulder, it was 4 weeks before I got the results. I have had a pain in my shoulder & uperarm now since May, like a nagging toothache. The results from the x ray was some wear & tear on shoulder, & 2 staples left in from op.
The breast nurse said it could be the tablets, Famara, I also get a lot of dizziness, even sitting down, she said that could be them as well. Any one else suffering from anything from tablets???
You know Debbie, its good that we have somewhere like this to put our worries, & have somewhere to chat. The nearest group from me is an hours drive away.
My friend & I use to keep each other going, & with her now gone I am really grateful to all your friendships.
Sorry to hear about your daughters accident, what age is she???
I can imagen how gutted she must be.
I'm new to the group, so not up to date as to what you have had done.
I agree a laugh does wonders. When I was in hospital there was another women who had breast cancer & 2 others with other things.
Can't remember what.
To keep sane over the weekend, we just tried to keep each other laughing.
I had had both breast done & so had 2 of those funny drips in both sides with the bottles.
I remember my friend telling me about the bottles & I thought they were like milk bottles, & that sort of size.
Well to cut a long story short I was the first to try the shower.
When I came back into the room, I said to the other lass, Iv'e just looked into the big mirror in there, & I look like an alien I said with these drips hanging, well you aught to have heard them laugh, When Lou came back from her shower, She said true, & we burst out laughing again.
We carried on the laughter weekend by making a poster & hanging it on the wall by the door.
On which it said.
Warning infectias area,
No one aloud in here unless they are wearing a smile.
We kept it up, & no one was aloud in unless they were smiling, even the doctors & nurses were sent out to come back in with a smile.& they joined in the fun.
Even other patiants joined in & it cheered them up as well.
Then on the Monday a nurse came in, " Who's been putting this poster up? That's not aloud, take it down this minute," needless to say we sent her packing, no one was spoiling our fun, it got us through the weekend.
I went home that day & Lou wrang me later to say she had gone to sleep, & when she woke up the poster was gone.
(Word of warning, to those of you are on the younger side, as you get older, you go back to child hood.)
Hope I've given you a laugh, a laugh a day keeps the moods away.
Please exsuse any spelling mistakes, never have been able to spell.
( Can't be perfect at everything)
Naz, don't know what to say about the driving, exsept I know as I have got older, I worry more about driving, although with me I feel safer me driving, that me being a passenger, as I am always on the look out for dangers.. The traffic is a lot heavier now than when I learnt to drive, ( Someone walked oin front of you with a red flag. lol )
Well I seem to have been on hear a long time, better do some work I guess.
The other thing that my pain in the arm might be is
Everyone take care,
looking forward to hearing from you all
It's a lovely sunny day here in Cheshire - thank goodness, as we have had rain for best part of the week!
Good to hear from you Jenny - i am glad you are home now, sounds as though your op went well?
When you finally have some kind of symmetry, you do start to feel better about things.
Take it easy and rest up. The shower hair thing is a challenge isn't it? I was too stubborn to let OH help, so i just took 5 hours to have a shower and hair wash instead!
Debbie - How are you this morning? Sounds as though you had a right day of things yesterday!I I bet your daughter is gutted she can't make the dance exhibition at Christmas. How old is she by the way? Mine is 9 tomorrow and i have a son who is 5 and a half.
Meditation is the way to go - i did think about that myself, but have never got round to doing it. I think if we can control our minds better, we can also control our worries and anxieties (i think!)
Yes you hit the nail on the head with driving and it is very interesting how once i knew all surgery was done and dusted and i was left my own devices, the anxiery kicked it - i couldnt believe it. Even going 2 miles to Morrisons freaked me out!
Carol - How are you today? How did your appointment go yesterday?
Tracy - Thinking of you xxxx
Hi to everyone else - Kirstie, are you okay? xxx
Hello Ladies, Yes I am home, and so far so good. op went well and I was allowed home once they had taken the drain out. that was my only problem, it wouldn't pull out had to be twisted and think it was caught on a stitch so IT HURT. and I did something that I have not done for very long time- passed out on them. I did feel sorry as they had a student nurse doing it, which I didn't mind, , all the staff on the ward were lovely and the other patients, 2 in for hips and 2 more like me, we had quite a good laugh over breakfast etc, which helped a lot, think I missed that side of things last time as I was in a side room for a week, nice and quiet but almost a bit lonely. I am sore, but not as bad as last time, got to work out how I can have a shower and do hair. may have to get OH to help. The consultant spoke with me after op and yesterday morning and sounds as if my next op may be sooner than i thought so that cheered me up, I have hated how my right side looks ever since the left op last year it just looks so ugly and large.I keep telling myself that when the two match i will feel better about it all.
Anyway thank you for your messages, and hope you have all had a good day, thinking of you all.and sending warm Huggles Jen xx
Carol how are you feeling, any better today?
I feel sad for you coping with the loss of your dear friend, it has hit you hard and you miss her xx
You are probably stil grieving for her and that is to be expected - she has left a void and i feel for you.
The winter certainly has an effect on my mood -the greyer the day, the less positiive i feel at times.
Today is your check up day - how did it go?
Keep chatting to us on here, pour out your worrries, it can be healing and therapeutic.
Debbie, good to hear from you.
Yesterday was scan day for you.. how did it go? A week to wait, that seems like a long time, but i suppose it isn't really.
Your symptoms could be stress related, but should not go unchecked. Counselling can be hit and miss i think and it can take a while to find the right person whom you can trust to open up to. Have you got a Maggies centre local to you? I have heard good things about them? Any BC support groups your BCN can recommend?
Don't you ever apologise for waffling, that is what this site is for in my view and i think that writing it all down does us the world of good- the demons need to be exorcised or else they continue to annoy us !
The driving anxiety is actually improving. It started in the summer and was quite bad. But now i can get in a car without having to visit the loo several times and think i am going to pass out once behind the wheel!
I talk regularly via text to a therapist who is associated with my work place. She was the first one i told when i tumbled into the black hole this time last year. She helps me rationalise my fears and anxieties over body and all sorts. I truly believe without her, i may still be in a bad way. Anyway,she said driving anxiety is normal following a trauma and is to do with risk taking and lack of confidence etc.
I am keeping everything crossed that all these symptoms are harmless.. but you keep thrashing it out on here!
Jenny - How are you after your op?
Tracy - You are very quiet - how are you doing?
Hope everyone else is okay?
Keep in touch
Sorry, I haven't logged on for a couple of days, I think I've entered that black hole some of you talk about. I have always hated this time of year, its my least favourite. I have often said that I should have been born in Australia - where the sun always shines! As the days get darker, my mood gets lower. It really doesn't help matters that I was diagnosed at this time of year either. A few years ago my husband bought me an alarm clock that mimics sunrise and sunset, it does help a little but not as much as it used to.
Well, I don't know what that awful Oncs secretary was talking about with her "you will have to wait approx four weeks" rant last Thursday, because at 10.00am Friday morning I received a phone call from the nuclear medicine department asking me to come for an Isotope scan today - Tuesday! The woman must have thought I was slightly deranged because I mumbled, uhmed and ahhed as what she was telling me sank in. I told her what the sec had said and her reply was "well, we make our own appointments in this department and we don't like to keep patients waiting for these sort of tests" - lovely lady - what a difference in attitudes.
So, the test was today and I should get the results in a week. Last night I had a bit of a breakdown and I have told my husband what has been troubling me for some time now. I haven't only had back pain, I have also felt nauseous for a few months now, a bit like morning sickness where the only thing that makes it go away is to eat something. It goes for a while but is soon back. Twice now I have been chatting away to someone, feeling perfectly fine, then suddenly I know I am going to be sick. At first I thought I might be pregnant (my coil did a disappearing trick last December and I hadnt got round to having a new one put in) but it wasn't that. Also, I have had a persistent, though not annoying, dry cough for just over a year. I am constantly tired and could quite easily sleep the day away at times and still sleep at night. Lastly, I just don't feel "right". Can't put my finger on it, the glands under my unaffected arm are tender and the affected arm also feels worse than normal. My husband thinks this could all be put down to stress and depression and keeps urging me to see someone - but who do you see? I arranged counselling for my daughter when I was first diagnosed but the woman didnt help her at all, in fact at the last two sessions, she asked Hannah to wait outside whilst she spoke to me about my childhood!! I stopped going after that as it wasn't helping at all.
Sorry, have just realised I am waffling again, but it really does help to put it all down in writing - feels like I am exorcising my demons by getting my worries out there, if you get my drift.
Naz, I meant to ask you if your driving fears have eased at all? I was like this when I first learned to drive (I left it quite late to learn, I was late 20s). I used to have to go to the loo about 3-4 times before I could actually get in the car. In the end I read a book about coping strategies and it helped. I used to think about something boring and mundane - like cooking a Sunday roast ie. peel the spuds, cut and quarter them, peel the carrots etc - it really helped me conquer my fears of driving.
Anyway everyone, hope you are all enjoying the fireworks - my poor puppy is hiding under my legs!!
Will "speak" to you soon, meanwhile - take care and love & huggles to you all
Sorry I didn't come on line yesterday, Been bad, can't leave the lo. lol
I guess there must be a virus going round.
Sorry to hear you have been through the wars. But so glad you are turning round now.
Its hard to think should you talk with someone, the times I have come on here, & gone off again without saying anything.
My friend Jill, was a rock for me. We shared the same interests, Dogs, We did a lot of fund raising together, & had some real good laughs together. The only problem was we lived a hours journey away from each other, so most of our get together was either by phone or computer, as we both had to watch the old pennies.
Jill was a very private person, & fought the cancer on her own the first time round. She lived on her own with her dogs.. I met her when I went to buy a collie off her for the farm. She was then half way through her treatment. Her cancer came back after nearly 5 years. She didn't let on at first, she didn't want to fighten me. She would only tell me what she wanted me to know. As time went on she didn't want anything to do with the dogs, she had a very hard time with the chemo, having once every week, & after six sessions they said it had not touched it. Jill had another friend who lived on her own, & she came to live with her to look after her, other wise I guess she would have had to go into hospital sooner.
I still keep in touch with that friend, but find I can't confide in her like Jill & I did together.
I always think I shouldn't bother anyone, They'll just think I'm being a pest, & should get on with life.
Each have their own worries, whether its health, money worries or what ever.
I'm a born worrier, I worry about the world, the state its in, The cruelty that's going on all over the world.
I don't know what sort of age you are, but you seem to be there for a lot of people. & in a way I am guessing this helps you also.
You were saying about the loss of your breasts, & coping with that.
I'm 68, so I guess it doesn't bother me. Living in the wooly backs so to speak, I very rarely get dressed up.
We have sheep for neighbor's. I can only speak for myself.
When I had a better figure, I use to dress up, can't remember when I last wore a dress, its been so long now. I rarely wear a bra with the falsies in, as a it ride up & leave marks across my chest, wright were the war wounds are, so I go around with out one. Jill was the same.Don't laugh I look pear shape now.lol
I remember after the op saying to the surgeon, I'm sure my stomach wasn't that big, have you pushed my breast down into my stomach? with which he replied. No its just that you don't have anything to hide it now. ( I tend to joke about when I can, its my & was Jill's way of coping.)
I always think as well, there's lot of people worse off than me, & I should be grateful I am still here & able to do things.
I'm sure my down days are a mixture of the winter coming, my check up on Wednesday, ( having a mega needle phoebe, I'm always worried they want to stick a needle in me for something or other), & this pain in my shoulder. Its been going on now for six months, & it always flashes to, is it linked to cancer.
You know reading this back, I guess the way I have gone on about Jill, I miss her more than I thought.
Talking on here has helped more than I thought,& I hope I haven't upset you in any way. Words can be taken so wrong at times.
I feel much better today, mood wise, I think you had a part in that. Thank you.
I'll probably still worry about Wednesday, but that's me.
Hope your all having a good day today, the sun is trying to shine.
Hope we speak again real soon
Take care Carol xxxx
How are you this morning?
I think you describe what so many of us feel post DX, YOU ARE NOT ALONE XXX
I was DX 2009 and had two surgeries, followed by the chemo. Then two more reconstructive surgeries.
Due to poor surgery and care, i then had to go through more surgeries X 5 to repair and make better.
This time i last year, i went into the dark hole and it is only during these past few weeks, i have started to feel better. The surgeries are all over, i am NED at the moment and i am discovering life again. But this year, has been one of hell -anger, fear, sadness, the lot.
I did not really speak anyone in any depth about feelings, but realised in hindsight, that i should of.
Now i live by the day and i try to make the most of what i do have. Body is a real struggle for me and i dont know if i wil ever fully accept the loss of my breast to this disease, but i cant turn back the clock.
For you Carol i get the impression that losing your friend has hit you hard and that is totally understandable. I can imagine it was also a shock to you knowing her cancer had returned. I guess this is why we need to find good in every day. Days mean so much more to me than pre DX.
Do you think CTB might help you manage your feelings about the loss of your friend and your overall worries Carol?
Keep talking to us on here. We are all on different parts of the journey, but we also all understand what you are feeling and why.
Speak soon .
Firstly can I say a huge thank you to you all for your support.
Since coming on this forum, & putting pen to paper so to speak, I have spent time reading through all the threads, or most of them.
I have now realized that I am not alone with my feelings, & worries.
At first I thought I was getting that S A D with the winter coming on, & couldn't shake it off. Just felt down all the time, didn't want to do any thing , my get up & go had got up & gone.
I now reolise it must be because that time has come again for the visit to the hospital, & although I have always thought I was strong, I can't stop myself, from worrying, & dreaming horrible thoughts at night.
I also worry that its a stranger I see, My breast nurses know me so well, you see I have a mega needle phoebe. They know how I work.
Every little pain, I have been on the computer looking it up.
But after reading all your stories I reolise its just part of the course & nothing I can do.
It does help to talk to others. But since losing my one friend that was going through the same as me,
We knew how to cheer each other up. I felt alone.
Can't talk to husband or friends.
Didn't want to bother breast nurses, thought they had enough to do than worry about me..
I still remember that feeling when I had finished the chemo & rads, I felt very alone .
I had my op nov 2009, treatment through 2010, had C B T 2011 for needle phobia, it had got worse with the chemo, was suppose to be for 6 weeks, but I was with them nearly a year, I was suffering from depression. Had about 3 panic attacks, didn't know at the time what was happening.
Reading your posts,I feel for you all.& I send you all good vibs & huggs. I also sit & wonder how the children cope that have gone through cancer, what help is there for them?
I'm rambling, I'm sorry.
Its getting late, & brain is going into over load.
I'm going to say Good night,
Thank you to all of you.
God bless you all & may tomorrow be a good day for us all.xx
Hello Everyone, Hope you are all tucked up inside, it is horrible here, even the housework seems good to do. Trying to get on top of it and the washing before enforced ban.. So sorry to read how some of you are feeling, can truly sympathise with you. Well for me I think I am trying to forget yesterday and not think about Monday. So went and did some retail therapy for myself and my daughter this morning, she is 7 months pregnant, and feeling uncomfortable so treated her to lovely fluffy jumper in mixed shades of pinks and still only size 12 !!
I had a lousy day yesterday, went to the hospitl for 1yr mammogram and MRI.there for nearly 6 hours and& had an hour half of panic, as they checked and then re did everthing and asked me to wait so everything could be looked at by thr Radiologist, and then she wanted me in for more scans. but all ok in the end, but will speak with consultant on Monday. It felt like a complete rerun of last year. Needless to say I had a few drinks last night, OH and self , we went to our local- live music and excellent atmosphere. so that took my mind or it. Think I will feel happier when I have spoken with consultant, and had this next op. Will catch up sometime next week, meanwhile, take care all of you. Lots of warm Huggles. Jenny.
I am picking up that you are feeling anxious right now, so wanted to send you a massive hug xxx
REALLY hoping that all is well with your back and the pain is related to your problems from years ago.
I can imagine it must be so hard not to worry and i know would be feeling the same,
We have to remain positive and make the most of each day, Sometimes it is hard to do that, but we must. Otherwise in my view, we have all suffered for nothing.
I am okay, still have wobbles over my body - i am not sure when i will accept it fully, it still feels very alien to me and i wish it didn't.
How are you today Debbie? Do you feel a bit better, since the other day?
Jenny - Your op is soon - will be thinking of you.
Hello Carol ... Things have been tough for you with the loss of your friends. This damm disease is so unpredicatable and cannot be trusted not to rear its ugly head again after treatment it seems.
Very best of luck for Wedneday -let us know how you get on won't you.
Hi to everyone else.. Just trying to catch up with housework, while OH puts our 5 year old son's new bed together (that will be fun!)
Bye for now
Hi NAZ and friends .....
I have been feeling a bit fragile this week. I went to the see the Spinal surgeon on Wed and he has booked me in for a full spinal scan , as he says he wants to rule out any Cancer spread to my spine, before he decides what to do about the pain. He has marked it as priority but it will still be at least 2 weeks. I am used to back pain , but this is different it makes me feel tired and fed up. Pain is so debilitating and nobody really understands as we look okay. I am trying to keep busy.
I have been round to my next door neighbours tonight for her annual Halloween party , her two boys are autistic and we often babysit for them , so it was good to see them enjoying themselves with their little friends from school. My daughter and her partner came to the party so it was good to catch up with her as well.
As it is late I will say Good Night and catch up with you all after the weekend. Try and be Mindful of what we are doing , relax and be in the moment. We need to stay calm and carry on regardless !!
Have a good weekend everyone. We are off to Kent. Lots of Love Tracy xxx
Hi Ladies, Were do I start. I have not been on this forum for a while.
First may I say sorry to hear about your experiences Debs. We can all do with out those sort of heartless people.They really do not understand. You do need to put a complain in as she could be the same with others. Hope talking to people on here will help you.
I 'm hoping talking to you all will help me as well.
I am due my review on Wednesday. I had my op ( double) November 2009, then chemo, & Rads, now on Famara. Got shingles when in treatment, & now & again still get what I call shingle pains. I can feel them coming on, then when they reach their peak, they then just disappear like letting a balloon down.
I had a very close friend who came with me & my husband when I was told breast cancer. I lost that friend about a year later. I had another friend who had been through it all & was a god send to me. Last year her cancer came back after nearly 5 years. When she told me, a few days later I got a terrific pain in my ribs lasted about a day. nothing since.
My friend went through hell with her chemo again, having it once a week, but after 6 sessions they said it had not touched it. She ended up bed ridden, & in a hospice & died Jan this year. Miss her a lot.
May this year I started with a terrific pain in my shoulder & upper arm.
have had an x ray, Doc says can't find anything, just some tear & wear, ( I am getting on )
& 2 staples left in from my op.
For some reason or other just lately I have been dreaming about nothing but my cancer coming back
I still have the pain, bit like a nagging tooth ache, some times a bit sharper & travels down my arm.
Has anyone else had any thing like this.?
I know its only a yearly check up, but I am scared stiff they say it could be connected to the cancer.
I guess I'm just a born worrier.
Love the word huggles, so sending you all huggles, & good wishes for the future.
Its good for all of us to have some were like this to let go our feelings.
Thinking of you all . Carol xxxx
Debs, What an aweful day, so sending lots of Huggles and a virtual bunch of flowers. I have been having problems with my loacal GP and my husband has put in a complaint, and I am the same as you I no longer have any confidence with them, its ok if I can speak with the doctor but the nurses and reception........ I just don't want to set foot in there , so can understand how you are feeling tonight. At least you told us how you are feeling and you know that we all understand and will all be thinking of you.
Huggles Jen xx
Oh Debbie, what a horrid experience for you..big hugs xxx
These secretarys are all the same in my view and have the people skills of a GNAT! I don't know what gives them the right to speak to people in this way, but i am angry for you.
You should never be made feel as though you are wasting anyone's time or 'whinging'.
It is still very early days for you, in terms of where you are in your journey (2 years?) so they should have more sense, than to make you feel rubbish about wanting to be checked over. Neither do you hav to be grateful! Why should you be grateful? You may have received some good treatement, but that doesn't mean you have to be grateful - you never wanted a DX of this god awful disease to begin with! xx
I think when you are feeling calmer, you should consider putting in a complaint Debbie, explaining exacty how you have been made to feel. When is your scan appointment now?
Do something nice tonight..
I am sitting here in pieces. I have just come off the telephone from my Oncologist's secretary and I cannot believe the way she has spoken to me. This Onc wasn't with me during treatment, my original one retired earlier this year. She was amazing and I always left her office feeling like she had my best interests at heart and that together we would beat this thing. I have only met her replacement once, in July, at which meeting I told him I was having pain in my unaffected breast. He examined me saying he thought it was fine, but would arranage an MRI or US just to be sure. I had an US in the end because he forgot to sort the MRI until I called his office 2 weeks later. At that July meeting he also said "forget your diagnosis, its not important and concentrate on the fact you had brilliant treatment and are now NED". He qualified that statement with a "well, it's easy for me to say that isn't it as I have never had cancer" - err your dang right you insensitive eejit!!!
Four weeks ago I started having lower back ache. I have had back problems for years due to a whiplash injury in my early 20s but this pain is different and the pain is affecting my legs and groin area too. I gave it the recommended two weeks before visiting my GP. He is fantastic, very understanding and reassuring. He examined me and said that if I still had the pain in a month, to go back and he would refer me. Well he went on holiday and the back pains have worsened these past ten days. I was talking to a friend (another BC survivor) who lost her mum to BC earlier this year and she said to arrange a private bone scan for my own peace of mind. I called our local Spire hospital and was told I need a referral from my GP or Onc. So, I called my Onc's sec and explained. She said he would get back to me today.
His other secretary has just called and basically told me that since I had a bone scan in February (arranged by my old Onc as I was having a lot of rib pain - it was her suggestion, not mine) that "just this time only we will let you have a bone scan and a plain xray, but after that...... well, errr, that's it, no more investigations. As long as these come back clear, then that's it. We hope you will be reassured". She went on about how dangerous it is to have too many and that there has to be at least 6 months between scans - mine was 8 months ago. I broke down on the phone and said she was making me feel like they were really peed off with me - obviously she denied this, but I have come off the phone feeling like I am a pain, a whinger and should just shut up, put up and be grateful. I have only ever seen him the once and usually just go to my GP if something is worrying me. I have lost all confidence in my Onc and his team now. I cannot believe how dismissive and unsympathetic she was. Obviously she has never been diagnosed with cancer.
My husband thinks I should wait for my scan dates then make a complaint but I really don't know if I am strong enough. I can't bear the thought of having to see him again with bad feeling hanging over us.
Sorry, I just really needed to get that off my chest to people like myself who've been through this awful time and are now dealing with the fall out.
Thank you for listening ladies
Before i retire to my bed..i have to say, i JUST LOVE your phrase about the sat nav and the dark lane! It happens to us all for sure!
Will be back tomorrow to reply properly and to see how everyone is.
PS Tracy, are you okay???
Hello Ladies. I have just been re reading from the start of this thread, and smiling at some of the lovely phrases. -do something nice for myself, think of today not yesterday. choose my friends,?family. we are on this journey together. and many more.
Well it got me thinking. (sensibly and not as I have been for last few weeks) and today I had my hair done, tomorrow I'm going for a facial. must look my best for the MRI etc on Friday and for when I am on the Op table on Mon can't let the side down.lol Yesterday I went to Bath to a lovely Lingerie shop (ARIA) and bought a very nice post op bra, the 2 ladies running it are lovely. very caring, they likened the fitting and the sessions with the doctors to childbirth.-all modesty is lost. it made me smile. summed it up perfectly.
My husband and daughter are both very supportive, and the 3 grandchildren always make me smile. I went to Salisbury last week for lunch with a very good friend. see more of her than i do my sister saw her last Xmas...(not even a phonecall) .
Think I am back on track, think my satnav sent me down a dark lane ,but have pressed reset and am back on the main road , thanks to all of you good friends for listening to me.
So you have got me thinking postively again, and last night I slept better, didn't lie awake as I have done with everything going on in my head at whirlwind speed.
I hope all your aches and pains are not getting the better of you.
Sending Huggles to you all. Jenny.
PS Have to get fit asap after op as we have another grandchild due. the pink variety on approx 27 Dec. !!
Now thats something truly nice to focus on. and I may even be at the delivery.
Sorry you are feeling down at the moment. You have had a hell of a lot on your plate recently, what with house stress and now work.
I think it is a common feeling that we all share some time after DX. Everyone seems to be getting on with their day to day living and we are left wondering what next..
Going for a walk each day is a good idea, but i can remember myself how hard it was to motivate myself some days. Is there anyone you could walk with or meet up for a coffee and a natter?
I was always told to do something nice for myself each day and to look for something good in the day. I stil do try to do that now (mainly because it has taken me so long to get myself together!)
Also, you might feel better once you have had the recon discussion? I feld i could not move forward, until the recon was done and dusted, it almost felt like 'unfinished business' if you get me?
Jenny how are you doing -feeling better any better now? VERY best of luck for your surgery next Monday.. how are you feeling about that? xxx
Tracy -How are you ? Been thinking of you today? Let us know how you get on at the clinic won't you?
Take care all.
Hi Tracy, Thanks for the good vibes, I must of rec'd them as feeling happier today, throat is improving, but oops OH now has it.
Kirstie, Truly know how you feel, I'm one yr on from left mastectomy into hospital next Monday for recon, but everyone seems to think its all over. Your work place don't sound very supportive. I had problems a few years ago with my line managers so fully understand how you feel. at least your doctor is helping you, I can't even get an appt. I live near Bath, wherabouts are you. if you are near would meet you for coffee. If not lets have a virtual one.
Sending lots of Huggles xx Jenny.