I am glad i noticed this thread..
I was DX 2009 (so 4 years ago now, but surgery was only completed in July of this year).
It has been a real roller coaster, but i feel the worst is over now.
For a long time, i felt very very angry and sad. Now i have moments of fear and anxiety. Is this normal?
I am not exactly sure what i am scared of.But it is something about knowing that life really is very fragile and no-one is immortal. I know the story could have been a very different one, but it wasn't and i am here, with my OH and 2 children, who are now nearly 9 and 5.5.
I am thinking that this fear has been buried under the other emotions and at the moment, of all things, driving scares me. I have to drive and i do drive (albeit short distances) but before i get in the car, i feel sick and heart races.
I have NEVER experienced this before, so i hope it passes? I am guessing no-one has experienced this?
I think that once again, it is to do with putting myself in a situation where my life could be threatened (in the car) even though i am no more at risk now, than before DX.
The other thing, is that although reconstruction was a must for me and i now have a lovely lovely PS, i sometimes quite cannot believe that i had to have so many ops post MX. That the recon is forever, because it reminds me of bad times.
I want it all to be further from my mind, if you see what i mean?. For months i would fight to make it go away and of course it never did. Now i am learning to accept what happened but i still feel very anxious and scared at times.
Debstar, Sorry you are feeling so low. I think this is something we all experience. I am 18 months post diagnosis and I still get that sinking feeling from time to time. I went back to work just before I finished my chemo and worked through radiation treatment and Herceptin. I have managed to do it and so will you. Just one day at a time and take all the rest you can. Although I am back at work I am very fortunate to have a very good employer who allows me to have the rest I need. You will get there and as others have said there is light at the end of the tunnel and treatments are so good now that woman survive this disease. Regards
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way and hope you soon start to feel better. Could I suggest you give our helpline team a ring and have a chat with them about your feelings, they're here to support you through this. Calls are free 0808 800 6000 lines open weekdays 9-5 and Saturdays 10-2.
I've read your message and I am so deflated, tired and exhausted post the treatment. I am in such a black hole and am struggling to see a way out. I cannot sleep and just about functioning throughout the day. All I worry about is the future, going back to work and trying to pay the bills. I exhaust myself. I don't have a partner but have a good support but I feel they are fed up listening to the same old record. I cannot seem to take one day at a time. I try mindfullness but my mind just seems to wander back to my problems.
Hello Ladies, I have not checked online for a while, We now have a new grandchild- Evie Mae arrived (over 2 weeks late) at 6 am Last Tues. 7lbs 14 oz. Mum and babe fine, 3 older children adore her. Gran & grandad both very tired. long days covering meals, school runs, bath and bedtimes and homework. Didn't have time to think about any thing else.which is probably a good thing but did get very stressed by about Weds and Thurs of last week but settling down now. just realised we have been on call etc since last week of November when accident to older grand daughter happened. no wonder I am tired. Now I am concentrating on me. (next operation in about 6 weeks)
I hope you are all ok. Hope that no messages means good news and good and happy feelings., for you all.
Take Care, Huggles
Thank you all for kind comments on here it does make a difference 🙂 I enjoyed xmas at my sisters before going had a lump in my throat it was horrid felt like something stuck in my throat, went to see the doctor as was struggling taking my calcium chews. I was suprised when he said it was a globus caused by feeling anxious and stressed! I had never heard of it. He explained when you get stressed or anxious the muscle in your throat goes into a spasm, during the night I sometimes wake up sweating and anxious and my throat is awful I can hardly swallow!
I have an appointment with oncology on thursday just a check up still eagly awaiting reconstruction app wont be til around March 1yr past my treatment I dont suppose. I was due appointment with occupational health last week to talk about phrase back but havent heard anything yet. I continue to worry about whether I can do my job 😞
Well Take Care everyone and thanks for being here xxxx
Not been back to this site for a while as life takes over and have been trying with moderate sucess to not dwell on the past and try and move forward . Have attend postive about life course at local cancer centre which although did not change much helped as feel my reactions and fears are more normal than i previously thought. Also got brca result which was negative which made me feel worse as wanted to be able to have mastectomies . So after initial knock back saw consultants about this and much to my surprise breast consultant suppottive of this , unfortunetely oncologist not but have decided to still pursue this option, have seen health psychologist who supports my decision to make a sound choice about this and now awaiting appointment with other breast consultant at end of jan to discuss options . Feel more postive as actually doing something about my fears though some would feel a radical step at present feels the right decision for me . Still consumed with fear of it cioming back but trying so very hard to move forward . Wishing us all a cancer free new year and hears hoping that we all can
move forward without this whole experience controlling our decisions all the time .hugs to all rosie dog xx
Warm Huggles gratefully accepted as I am feeling a bit fed up this evening. Had a funny day at work and been in pain with the back ache. I start physio a week on Friday so I am hoping and praying that it will strengthen the core muscles in my back.
I am ready for the Christmas break now so I will wish you all a very Happy and Peaceful Christmas , sending you love and warm thoughts for a good time. Love Tracy xxx
Hello to Bev, Naz, Tracy, Kirstie, Carol and anyone I may have forgotton,
Hope you are all ok. I am sorry that I have not been on and chatted, a little bit busy -4th grandchild due 27 Dec. so have been helping with school runs and bedtimes etc. I haven't had time to think about myself, in fact my husband has had to tell me to slow up and not carrry shopping etc. guess that could be a good sign, But i do still think of all of you and hope you are all smiling. and ok.
Just like to wish you all a Happy Christmas, and good New Year.
and as always sending lots of warm Huggles
Good Morning ,
Just a quick message to say I have been thinking about you all especially when you wake up anxious in the mornings. I must admit that was the time of the day when I used to be most stressed as we plan and prepare for the rest of the day. I used to phone my Mum every single morning as I could not seem to function at all, but as she talked to me and encouraged me to get showered and dressed I could feel myself trying so hard to get well again. So I am sending you all positive vibes for the morning and strength to cope with the rest of the day. Be kind to yourselves and continue to be Mindful, If you are feeling so bad then I would encourage you to have a little walk around the block to blow the cob webs away. Take care everyone.Let us know how you are feeling Lots of love Tracy xxx
Sorry to hear you have been feeling low, it is not a nice feeling at all.
As you say, a trip to see your sister may perk you up and take your mind off things?
It sounds as though you are feeling anxious about returning to work. You can all but try, to see how you get on. If you are ready, then great, but if not, then maybe hold off for a while longer? Do chat to Macmillan about your finances and what benefits etc you maybe entitled to, if you do find yourself off work for a bit longer or chat to CAB?
Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon Kirstie.
How is everyone else? Bev, how are you today?
Sorry I havent posted for a while, I have not felt too good very low mood and forcing myself into Christmas mode has been difficult! I am going to my sisters next Friday for a week so hoping that will help. I keep waking feeling really anxious about lots of things mainly phrase back to work which could maybe happen in January when my Drs note runs out. Although I have missed being around people as I live alone I think I will struggle to do my job as it is very physical. I can but try 😞 Hope you are all ok. I think I may arrange a chat with a MacMillan Nurse to see what my options would be, at the moment I just get ESA.
Take Care All xxxx
Where to start, Bev i think..
Bev, what none of the professionals tell you at the end of treatment, or even during treatment, is the how long the emotional road to recovery can be. They focus on dx and treatment only, leaving you to cope emotionally, the best way you can. The problem is (as i have found out over this past year) is that often our previous ways of coping with trauma, do not always work so well, especially with something as emotional as BC. Also, i don't know about you, but once all active treatment is over, people expect you to be back to 'normal' and for many, that is just not possible. So, what we spend lots of time doing, it seekng new ways of accepting what has happened to us and learning to manage the pot holes which arise on this 'journey'. You are still also having treatment with the Herceptin and even though this may not be as gurelling as the chemo? it keeps you in the treatment 'zone'.
For me, a change of body image has been really challenging to cope with and if it were not for Tracy, my next door neighbour and a couple of friends who i have met on here, i think i would still be fighting it now. In fact i still do, but i get back on my path much quicker.
What i am trying to say is Bev, take what ever support and help YOU need to get through this horrid bit of the journey. Medication can help, so can CBT and therapy. Talking to us on here, who get what you are saying, i am sure is helping you also.
Those feelings of panic and anxiety are very normal. Also, with your job, you are bound to feel worried about whether you are capable of doing what you do again. It is clearly a job which you love and am sure are really good at. But when we are facing personal challenges, this can hugely knock our confidence right out of the window! (Been there too!)
I know that you are not feeling like you - you feel like you are trapped in someone elses mind and body. But you ARE you, it is just hard to find yourself under the cloud of emotions you are experiencing - does that makes sense?
Right now, focus on you. Give yourself lots of TLC and pampering. Take a day at a time and don't project too far into the future, until you feel stronger xxxxx Remember for you it is VERY earl days indeed.
Tracy - How are you? How is your pain?
Jenny - Goodness your poor GD - how is she doing now? Not long until the next little one arrives hey, how is your daughter doing? She must be exhausted by now? Families, what can i say, that is a shame your sister has not been in touch for a year. There is one thing i have learnt from this experience and that is to focus on those who matter only! The rest can do one as they say!
Carol - How are you?
Kirstie, are you okay?
I am feeling better. I get stuck under the black clouds every so often and have to wait for them to pass.
I have bought myself a mindfulness book and some meditation CD's and am going to have a good go at learning to manage my negative thoughts when they next arise.
Had my mammogram on Friday and that was clear! 4 years down the line now!
Take care everyone.. enjoy what ever you are doing..
Bev, remember your ' one minute mantra' when you feel panicky - one minute, hour and day at a time - okay?
Hi Bev, No neither have I, but you sound a lovely caring person, just a little fragile at present, and i have heard more from you today alone, than from my real sister in over a year.
Keep smiling, and sleep well.
Hi Bev, Now that sounds like a true friend, but bet she says the same about you, as you were there for her when she lost her mum. Don't feel guilty, I have a friend like that and was phoning her a week ago as hated the waiting game when they went back to the hospital. I can believe how good your school have been, as have seen how lovely they have been to my daughter and the 3 little ones. The older boy-almost 8 had a big wobble last week and was in tears about his sister so teacher spent time with him and spoke to his mum. also lots of prayers said-its a Catholic Academy and her neighbours and friends are great. helps me loads. Yes Santa was lovely, think I'm a big kid at heart, just love seeing the g.kids having fun.
My family is just my husband, daughter and 3 g.kids + 1 to be. we both have a sister each but never see them, mine saw me about 3-4 wks after my mastectomy last dec. but I haven't seen or heard from her since.
So guess thats why i enjoy seeing the g.kids etc.
My friend is like an extra mum to my daughter, and we were/are often surrogate mum & dad to our daughters friends.
So session on Jan 2nd, thats not so far away, and in the New Year, so a positive thing to start the year with.
So sending Huggles to my vitual sister.
Hello Bev, Sorry that you are feeling so nervous and anxious, I was off work for over 4 months(stress) and know how hard it is to face the return etc. Is the sertiline an anti dipressant. I'm on Citalopram, and it took a week or so to take effect . What the counselling taught me was to take one step at a time, and one day at a time, not to look weeks ahead, look how far you have come, and how much you have achieved, you have got through the operation, the chemo, and the radio therapy. thats so good, so what are you planning for tomorrow, and maybe Tuesday, and maybe for Xmas etc have you any family or friends that you are meeting up with . and always include a little something or little time just for you. Keep writing it down if it helps, thats a positive move. sounds like you have a fantastic nurse, they seem to be a very special breed. mine is also lovely. I know that i can call her at any time. and remember when you do take that step into school we will all be there with you, 30yrs and rarely off. wow not many people could beat that. Sorry it sounds like I am telling you what to do, i don't mean it that way,just hope this may help a little, wish i was clsoe by . Like you say this site is great.
Naz, Carol, Tracy, hope you are all ok.
Me. I'm much calmer this weekend, G.daughter is mending well, still won't talk about it, think the emotional scars will take a bit longer to heal. but she will bounce back, Mum to be went for checkup on Friday midwife says all ok and still to aim for Dec 27. but I,m going with her to main hospital for scan on Monday so that will definately confirm things, and prove the consultant one way or other.
We took them all to see Santa today, it was great to watch the little one. and Santa was excellant with them.
Have a good week everyone.
I am sorry to read you are feeling so low, not sure whether you have seen that we offer a 'One to one' support service whereby you can be in touch with someone who understands how you are feeling by email or telephone, here's more information for you in case you feel it would help:
Hello and thanks to everyone for their lovely messages for my little grandaughter. She was 10 on Nov 13, but is very petite,about size of 7 yr old a little blonde bombshell She has a nasty cut on the forehead, be glued together badly bruised knee and ankle, but its not broken. lots of other aches and pains coming out it is going to be a few weeks recovery, hopefully back to school half days later this week. We think she was stood on the kerb and the car wing mirror caught her, but will probably never know as the car had been moved, and at the moment neither her or her friend who was with her will talk about it, both too upset. I just feel so frustrated at not being able to do as much as I used too, but am going to overcome it. besides firghtening me, it has made me think.
Anyway enough of my moans, I have been out today-coach trip to Worcester Xmas market,first long day since last op at start of Nov. There was an area where various bands, and choirs etc were performing, listened to a fantastic group called "RockChoir" they sang about always being there , even if miles away, and it made me think of this sight.and all of you, You have all been there for me this week, and hopefully I can be there for all of you.
Hope you all have a good week, Huggles Jenny.xx
Thanks Bev for your reply.
See it now you have said it . OH must mean other half , silly me .
So easy when you put brain in gear, I think I still suffer from Chemo brain lol
All the best to you
Hi Everyone, & welcome Bev,
Been so busy this week, not been on the computer much, plus trying not to use my arm to much with the hope that the pain might go away
pleased to hear that your cancer has not spread to your spine, but sorry to hear you are still having problems. My thoughts are with you.
I recommend CBT, I had it, but mine was just one to one talk. Don't know anything about doing arts, painting & crafts, that's a new one on me, maybe there are different types.
Here's a piece you can read about it ,
I'm sure all those little children can't wait to see you back. & I'm sure the rest of the staff will help you through, It must be a very rewarding job.
I'm so sorry for you that you are feeling so down, you help so many of us, I just don't know what to say to make it feel better, I'm guess my joking around didn't even help. sorry.
Sending you lots of healing love, & huggles, xx
How's that little granddaughter of yours? What a thing to happen, hope she is a lot better today.
Sending her healing huggles, xxx
I know I'm getting old, but what does OH mean please???
You have a wonderful thing to look forward to, the birth of another grandchild, & at Christmas time too.
Me I'm not to bad at the moment, I'm retired, so keeping busy with my dogs, & I have been fundraising all year, off to another fundraising on the 8th Dec, so been busy getting things ready, daren't stop, as I think I suffer from that S A D, you get in the winter & can get down very quickly. Did have a couple of nights this week were I couldn't sleep, bad dreams.
& other than my pain is still in the shoulder & arm, which is like a constant tooth ache, compared to you all, I'm getting off lightly at the moment.
You all have a good week this week, think positive thoughts, hope to hear some good things next time I come on.
To have come this far & through all the things that you all have had to go through, you have all been so strong. Stay strong.
Lots of hugs & love to you all Carol xxx
Its the last day of the month to get rid of all our negative thoughts and feelings and start afresh tomorrow . It is time for us all to look forward to Christmas and prepare and plan what we can do each day. I have not been very organised this year at all. I had not felt like shopping or writing my cards, but I must shake myself. I must try and overcome that " cant be bothered feeling " and make a list and get cracking. Otherwise Christmas will just pass me by and everyone will wonder what happened to me.
I hope your grand daughter is doing fine and healing well. I am sending lots of love and positive vibes for her to Get Well Soon. Keep in touch everyone and try and have a relaxing weekend. Tracy xxx
Naz, so sorry you have that gloomy cloud over you, think its spread this way. nasty thing. roll on spring. I'm the same, not liking what i see in the mirror. But I'm not going to be beaten. I will find a way. I'm telling myself that by about Easter i will be able to buy some pretty new bras. and some nice tops. Lets do this together.
Hi Bev, Thanks for the Hug, just having a feeling sorry for myself moment. Feeling old and useless.(Growl)
Don't rush your return.I was really scared and nervous when I went back, and even until the day i left couldn't bare being in same room as the bosses who caused the problems, strange how we react.
But I bet the little children will be lovely with you. Can you go in just for a coffee, say at lunchtime, or maybe at the end of the day or similar my Doc said just do an hour first time,and it took me about 12 weeks to get back to full time hours. .If I lived nearby I would come and walk in with you, I know how it feels. Just take it step at a time. Look how far you have come, you will do it.
Hello Ladies, Just sitting at home alone, and playing the waiting game. I have a nasty case of feeling anxious, and useless.and not related to BC well the useless bit is as cannot lift or carry on left side, as it was swollen last week. . My grand daughter was hit by a car yesterday early evening, so my OH went up to the hospital behind the paramedic. oops think he was well over the speed limits. they finally got home after midnight. I have been over there all of today,helping with the boys etc. Now OH has gone and picked up Chloe and her mum and they are back at the hospital, lots more bits are hurting and she doesn't like the light, has nasty cut on the head-been glued. OH will be watching our daughter as she is due to have baby on Dec 27. Just thinking why me. what else can happen,
Sorry If I have gone off at a tangent,
Hope you are all ok. Huggles Jen.
Tracy, great news re: your scan results, bet you are sooo relieved! Are they going to do anything for your pain or will it right itself i wonder?
Welcome Bev - The ladies on this forum are fab and you are in good hands. Most of us can empathise with how you are feeling, so keep posting away as and when..How are you feeling today? xx
I have had an up and down week this week. Went under a cloud at the beginning and am hovering.
The truth is, i can't ever imagine accepting new body, i know i have no choice but had no idea how it was going to impact my emotional well being. EVERY time i look at he scars in the bath, i am reminded. I wake in the night and remember my breast is no longer and has been replaced with something artificial and scarred.
I think CBT may be the way forward for me, because i am exhausted with being sad and angry all of the time. I try hard to keep busy and i am busy, but at the end of the day ,i remember .I can't quite seem to accept and move on at the moment.
Hope you are all well.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is what the CBT online is , but not sure how it works as I just had one to one Counselling which I found incredibly useful. I do know however that my friend who suffers with Clinical depression had CBT and did lots of painting and arts and crafts. I guess each centre is different. I was given a book by Paul Gilbert called the Compassionate Mind and this taught to be mindful of all I was thinking and doing each day. Good luck with it all. Sending you love and positive vibes. Tracy xxx
It was good news yesterday. The Cancer has not spread to my spine. Hoorah !! But the pain is being caused because the last 5 intervetebral discs are all damaged with wear and tear. In other words, old age, I was 50 yesterday so that makes perfect sense really. However I didnt realise that this part of my spine was not fused with the Harrington rod when I had the Spinal Fusion operation when I was 14. I have since read on the Scoliosis website that they do not use Harrington rods anymore because of these limitations.
Anyway ...enough about spinal problems.....Welcome to Bev , you will find the forums a huge help and support during the dark and lonely hours when we wake up and feel afraid. I was just like you and sailed through all my treatment, was never sick with the Chemo, managed to save all my hair with doing the Cold cap and apart from a very sore mouth , kept well throughout the FEC T. Then I realised that the Chemo had sent me into an early menopause which along with the Tamoxifen made me feel dreadful. I was anxious and depressed. I could not concentrate and I felt just the same as I had when I had sever post natal depression after my daughter was born. My hubby took me to the GP and I was presribed anti depressants and a short course of diazepam to help me cope. I had started back to work but as I was having reconstruction I had to be signed off again. I thought I would never feel well again, but the GP referred me for one to one Counselling which made me realise I was not alone.
Please get the help you need and deserve Bev as going back to work right now , may not be the best thing for you. Only you will be able to decide as we all know whether our places of work expect 100% when we are back, or if indeed you could have lighter duties. Maybe Christmas at home would be a good idea but see what happens........take good care of yourself, you are more important than any job, so be kind to yourself. Practice Mindfulness and stay in control of your thoughts by meditation or listening to your favourite music.
Hope everyone else is not feeling too bad this week. It is back to work for me tomorrow after a lovely 5 day trip to Rome for my Birthday.
Lots of love and Huggles to you all Tracy xxx