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Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Our lovely Sandra 51 lost her final battle on Friday May 16th. A very special lady, a very special Valentine. RIP Sandra. Heart

 

Sandra's Glade

 

There is a glade deep in the woods
where Violets bloom all year.
A place of peace, a place of love
a place to lose all fear.

 

Just rest within this wondrous place
and listen to the sounds
of Robin's song and Dove's quiet call
such comfort can be found.

 

Remember those who bravely fought
and shed a silent tear
for those we loved and those we lost
whom we still hold so dear.

 

So bring your sadness, bring your pain,
to Sandra's woodland glade,
to be consoled and find great peace
beneath its leafy shade.

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Jenny, thank you for your PM. I wish I could get a map of the wood as I think I'm a bit lost. Sandra's Patch is quite close to the babbling brook, but not too close to the JM (too noisy in there). Just the sound of the brook chattering away. I must write a poem about it - but not just yet, too soon.

 

Twinks, welcome to the woods. Hope you find as much comfort here as we do. There's plenty of wines of all kinds in the JM, help yourself.

 

Sending extra huggles to all.

 

Kath xxx

Jenny065
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Violets are so beautiful, let us know when you are the glade and we will join you, and say a prayer for all our friends. 

warm Huggles to everyone.

Twinks
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

So sorry to hear about your friend.

 

I've just spent a couple of days in hospital, nine weeks after my wle on my left breast, I got awful pain, hot and cold, and a boob that looked as if it had a torpedo under the skin! Four days of ab's from the doctor didn't touch it, so they sent me to the E.M.U. and I was hastily admitted for iv ab's and then the next day an ultrasound and needle aspiration.  Seroma had been lurking since the op and suddenly flared.  Now I'm back home I'm  going to retire under a tree with a glass of something fizzy (not lemonade!) and enjoy the peace and quiet.

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Great news about the knockers JCJ, I would have loved one knitted by you. Never mind, I'm sure they will benefit some lucky lady. 

 

Jenny, I'm so sorry you caught a cold. Must have been damp in those burrows.

 

I'm feeling very sad today. One of my darling February Valentines is leaving us for a better place. Thankfully she is not in pain and is comfortable, but the news was devastating for us all. She has always been treasured by our group as she has suffered so much with surgery and chemo, and now all treatment has stopped as her body is giving up. I'm going to plant some Violets in one of the glades, so I can go there and remember her when she finally leaves us.

 

Kath xx

Jenny065
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hello Ladies,  JCJ  those knitted knockers sound fantastic, I was ok with the softie. but found the silicone stuck and made me feel sore, anyway given them up now.

Poems,   so sorry you found the ants nest  it must be most uncomfortable. hope the biopsy goes ok.

Have you seen the beautiful picture  of bluebells and sun shining through trees.that they are showing on the BBC weather. they must of been walking in our woods.

I have had a few very nasty days. rather a lot of pain and soreness.  so crept into a burrow and cried, picked up a cold from somewhere, then had severe stomach cramps on Sunday evening, so probably flooded the burrow. OH phoned BCN on Monday morning.  ? reaction to the cocktail I am swallowing.Anyway OH took me to see BCN this afternoon, all ok but .thats the worst i have ever felt...  That woodland path has got so many potholes!!   But I have managed to scratch my way out of the burrow,   and am spending the next few days lounging on a bed of moss.and sleeping, mand picturing this lovely woodland.

Can I have some of my huggles back -please.. Jenny 

 

 

 

JCJ
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Poems, I have knitted 2 knockers: a C cup and a B cup, and I've started on a 3rd, hopefully another B cup (looking at the website, that's the most requested size!) I had no idea how much cotton yarn to buy, as the pattern didn't say, so I bought 2 x 100g balls and it looks like one ball will make at least 3 knockers!  They're quite quick and easy to knit and I can read or watch TV at the same time, so I'm enjoying knitting them. If I'd known you wanted a 2nd, we could have cut out the 'middle man' and I'd have knitted one for you and sent it to you direct! 🙂

 

My knitting tension is tighter than the pattern states, so I have to aim for a bigger size than I want the finished knocker to be. I've just received some new, bigger needles, so we'll see how that goes!

 

I hope they sort your itching - it's horrible to be itchy isn't it?  Cool baths and Calomine?!

poemsgalore
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Just thought I'd let you know that I've requested a second Knitted Knocker. How are you getting on with your knitting JCJ?

 

I think I sat on an ants nest on the grassy bank!! Very itchy right now. I'm having a punch biopsy on one of my legs on Tuesday. Not sure which leg - probably the one with least spots on it...lol. At the moment they both look like a join the dots puzzle. Can't make out what would appear though if I joined them up Woman Frustrated

 

Kath xx

Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hello Kayteeb   Thanks for the lovely words, Mmmm butterflies on lemon cake   how scrumptious.  Think I will cut myself a large slice.   The soft grassy bank  seems to have lumps in it and my head must be on a rock, as can't seem to get comfy in bed. O well  off to see my lovely BC nurse tomorrow, will have a little chat with her as feeling like a  MOP (miserable old person ).  well wrung out   so not much use in the woods.  Feeling very tired and mixed up.  lost my bounce at the moment can anyone tell me where it is in the woods I have looked in the pond thats ok. not into climbing trees,and please no rabbit holes or fox holes they are horrible.and scary   it must be hiding. 

Take care everyone Jenny xx

Kayteeb53
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Jenny, sit yourself down in the soft grass, lay your head back and let the sun warm you - if you listen carefully the fairies are fluttering nearby. Get your butterfly net out and swipe one. They live very well on lemon cake!
Kayteeb53
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Beautiful words Kath x
poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hi JCJ,

 

Your little animals are lovely. Knitted Knockers also have a facebook page:

 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Knitted-Knockers-UK-Information-Page/207990342731759

 

Those of us who have benefitted from the sterling efforts of the volunteers can post support and encouragement. I hope you become one of their knitters.

 

Kath xx

JCJ
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Sorry you are going through the mill, Kath. I hope you are feeling better soon.  I just wanted to say thank you for posting the knittedknockers link. I'm investigating becoming a knitter for them - more useful than knitted merkins (see earlier posts on this thread :)) or silly animals?! 

Jenny065
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hello  Kath,  Your poem is beautiful, and describes a beautiful girl, you must be proud of her.  I am lucky enough to have some natural(wild) bluebells and cowslips growing in my garden.been there since we moved in 30 yrs ago, it was a field before so kept them.    it is in need of a lot of attention, but will have to wait a few more weeks- very frustrating but I know I must be careful. Pleased to hear that the drugs are finished and that you are feeling a little better.- Keep smiling and keep writing your wonderful poems.

Take Care, Jenny xx

 

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Thanks Jenny,

 

I got your pm xx I'm feeling a bit better today as the DN came to take my line out. All drugs finished for now. I love the Bluebells, along with my favourite Tulips they are really cheering me up. I also notice the brook is lined with Willow Trees which have fresh growth, so here is my newest poem about my 16 year old granddaughter Willow.

 

So fair and graceful, the Willow Tree, 
its beauty and gentleness, all can see. 
Its slender boughs trail by the waterside 
serene and restful, brings joy to my eyes. 
And yet there's no Willow that grows by water 
as gentle and kind as my granddaughter. 
With dark, dark eyes and tendril curls 
she sweetly smiles, and fills my world 
with love forever, and grandmother's arms 
will always hold close her treasured charms.

 

There, just thinking about her has a calming effect on me.

 

Kath xx

Jenny065
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hello Kath, I am sorry that you are having such a bad time, What can I say except, thinking of you and sending a big bunch of bluebells and as many huggles as the box will allow. Come back to us in the woods as soon as you are able, it won't be the same without your beautiful poems. If I can work out how, will PM you.

Jenny xx

Mezzomamma
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hello from Avenue Anastrozole, out in Ned.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time, Kath and I can believe that there are illnesses worse than the 'not so bad' BC that many of us survive.

 

This is an anniversary for me--I finished FEC on Good Friday three years ago.

 

OK, so some of the recovery from surgery, chemo and rads has been slower than normal and some is still going on, but it is still going on and that's better than the alternative. In particular, the nerve damage from axcillary clearance is still healing and I have hopes that the residual breast oedema is reducing as well. I remind myself that it's better for something to be 'not bad enough to risk further intervention' than to have it be that bad.

 

Best Easter wishes and blessings to everyone still finding their way through the woods. May you find a few sunny bluebell glades along the way.

 

Mezzomamma

poemsgalore
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Sorry Jenny, but I had to leave the woods urgently. I have had an awful fortnight!! My pseudomonas has come back big time and put me back in hospital. Now back home administering my own intravenous antibiotics. Lovely job, sterilizing my work area and shoving 4 syringes full of saline, antibiotic, saline again, then heparin into my line, three times a day. Plus using my nebulizer. Ya know something, sounds awful I know, but I had far less trouble with my BC. I'm angry because Bronchiectasis is incurable as is pseudomonas. This will happen time and time again. Sorry for the rant, but although I finish my IVs tomorrow - this could come back next month, and the month after ad-infinitum. Can't come back to the woods until my lungs are clear again. 

 

On a more cheerful note, I'm now the proud owner of a knitted knocker. Much more comfortable than my old silicon one (which I never wore). The ladies are all volunteers and knit or crochet a 'knocker' to the size requested, in pure 100% cotton. http://knittedknockersuk.com is the best thing I have found for mastectomy patients.

 

Kath xx 

Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hello Kath,  Sorry not been looking in for a while, but hope you  are sitting on a toadstool  and basking in the sunshine.  I am very tired today, so may creep off for a sleep soon,    When I crawled out of that bad foxhole, i must of fallen into a bed of brambles and nettles (reacted to the dressings) as I had lots of red grazed and very sore bits. waiting for when I am allowed to stand under the waterfall, -not for another 4 weeks as now have special strips allowed the embroidery lines. 

Managed to look into the pond and see my reflection last weekend, so think the ugly duckling -lopsided one, has gone, and the swan  is emerging very slowly, so the swan went to have her dressings checked yesterday and then enjoyed a nice coffee and went to a beautiful lingerie shop to order new bras. also wore a new top, so she is starting to preen her self.  My wonderful fairy godmother  who does my dressings has been fantastic,  she even gave me a hug when I was in the hole in hospital, that team are WOW. said she was expecting it all .  Sometimes when i am awake at some silly time in the night i think of these woods, and the lovely people who are also in there, this has been a long journey, but think I may have found a little sandy path in there  which I am following now, I picture all the places in the woods that you have created, it paints a beautiful scene. It is a wonderful way to express things. something i would never of thought of, but so pleased I am part of it.

Hope you all have a lovely Easter, not too many eggs, lets all play with the happy little bunnies. and baby chicks. think I saw them in a little glade a  little way along the path.

Huggles  jenny xx

poemsgalore
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Sounds good to me Jenny, I love Cranberry juice. Perhaps I could read you one or two of my poems - they might send you to sleep.

 

Written whilst I was going through chemo:

 

Heart Full Of Tears

With dark hair and eyes
I looked quite solemn
when that photo was taken.
Unremarkable,
unsmiling.
Different to now.
Bald, moon faced, alien.
No tears in my eyes,
but plenty in my heart.

 

The Sleep Fairy

 

She sits on my pillow and waves her wand
and off I drift to a dreaming land,
where my world is pink and full of flowers
and I wander through meadows for hours and hours.

When I wake up to face a world
that's full of worries that are soon unfurled,
I long for the night, when sleep comes again
and I can forget this wretched pain.

So blessed sleep fairy, don't go away
Just live on my pillow, please, please stay.

 

Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hello Kath, sorry you fell into the brook, where have all the fairies gone when we want them. I found one this morning-the OH washed and dried my hair for me.-ooo it felt so good. my skin itches,at times  especially arms and legs, as i take Citalopram  so know how you feel,  you need a fairy with a large bottle of cooling moisturiser to gently cover your legs. baby wipes help a bit.    I think i am out of the very dark hole, sitting somewhere nearby,  not a happy bunny yet. can't accept this stage yet. .   The woodcutter and letme putyou to sleepman where fantastic, it was just the horrible cave(admissions suite) that got the better of me, and I ended up in tears. op went well but apparently i was shaking in recovery due to the pain, also had to stay there longer as wound started bleeding. Then on the ward was on 30min obs for 12 hours  as BP extremely low, so couldn't have morphine. so not the best days.. o well hoping to relax on a sunny mossy bank this weekend. with lots of cranberry juice-next best thing to the wine at present.

You're no more mad than me.  so lets go and sit together in the glade.

Sending lots of huggles

Jenny xx

poemsgalore
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hi Jenny,

 

I hope you had a nice wedding anniversary - in spite of being in hospital Woman Sad I wouldn't dream of scoffing your lovely Dairy Milk as they were a present, anyway I've just had a mini wagon wheel. I'm not interested in any wine at the moment either. A whole bottle of Prosecco and sitting by a brook - not a good idea! I fell in! Think I'll go and look for your teary puddle. The saltiness might be good for my legs. I hope you are starting to recover after the  woodcutter and letmeputyou to sleepman did their stuff. If I had any fairies left, I'd have sent one to wash your hair and scratch your back. But they got tired of me scratching and moaning and left the woods proclaiming me a mad woman!! They could be right. Woman Embarassed

 

Kath xx

Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Poemsgalore, I've got a small box of Dairy Milk here, happy to share, and hopefully the smooth milk choc will sooth your legs, hope the water in the brook is cool and clear.I'll come and join you. Hope they can give you something to sooth the itching.  sorry no wine, taking too many little white pills etc.   I think I fell into a foxhole  in the woods on Sunday night/Monday AM aprrox 4 am.- I literally fell out of bed I was having such a nasty dream got a nice bruise on my forehead--- just about crawled back to the top of it. had a few truly lousy days. probably left a puddle from tears in the hole. They are telling me that the worst is over. Mmmm I'm not so sure at present. going to spend the next few days very quietly with my OH  spoiling me, he has been so good, and it was our wedding anniversary on Tues-hence the chocs, which he left with one of the nurses to give to me when I woke up -and some lovely earings. The op was Mon and I came home late yesterday. Could someone send a fairy to wash my hair and scratch my back please.

Hope everyone esle in the woods are ok

Jenny

poemsgalore
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

I hope nobody will mind, but I'm going to dangle my legs in the babbling brook to soothe my itchy calfs. Don't worry, It's not catching, or OH would have got it by now...lol. But, I have a dermatology appointment on 23rd April (about time too) so hopefully they will find out what it is and how to stop it itchingWoman Sad .

 

My sleep fairies have been neglecting me just lately. The sound of me scratching disturbs them apparently so they've all flown away. I'm taking a bottle of Proseco and some lovely dark chocolate to munch on while I'm down there. Don't mind me if you fancy joining me while the sun is out.

Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Thanks,  the sleep fairy was very efficient last night, I got myself into a nice warm sleeping bag,and looked at everything around me in the woods, and difted off to sleep, did the same thing when I woke at some silly time-twice. Was wondering do you have a wise old owl in the woods for us to chat to  in the middle of the night.I am not looking forward to 7am on Mon 31st. its not the op but the place officially called the Admissions Suite, better described as a  crowded cave, where we play musical chairs,or pretend to be a statue by the wall  and all sqwark at once. o and not enough mini caves on the side for the woodcutter and letmeputyou to sleepman can talk to you. ,  we ladies have now been lumped in with day surgery patients. if you find a chair, there is just space for someone to walk between your knees and those of the person opposite , so MRSA and all her friends can have a field day and hop around very easily. this bit of the wood is very dark and scary at the present.  wish there was a bypass.      Read a few of the very early messages.  hope everyone is doing well on their journey.

 

PS we have a 2person tin tent which i hope to spend time inneed a bit more comfort these days. .but not if its wet like last year, my daughter has a tent, and said it turned into a water bed, as the mat floated past...but we love it. al good fun.

Kayteeb53
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Jenny, please stay. Get yourself a lovely cozy nest in the yew trees and will send you a sleep fairy to help you sleep. Allow yourself to be what you will be. We have all been in that dark place where you are today. If you have time read some of the very early posts on this thread. On occasion, when I need some comfort I occupy my turquoise tent (flying the two fingered flag high). I meet up with fellow woodies in the JM for a glass or 3 of Prosecco. See you there by the fire x
Jenny065
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

I was wandering along the lanes and fell into this glade, please can I stay. What a fantastic place ,It sounds as if in the middle of these dark and gloomy woods there is a fairy glade filled with sunlight and lots of Woodies smiling and sharing , comforting and sharing. and the poems are so beautiful.   Hope you have fairy lights al around the fronts of the tents they look so pretty when the sun goes down.  I have had a few Archers and lemonade at lunchtime today do I name them Robinhoods, and take his arrows and fire them 

at the gremlins,think I will   Also quite partial to hot choc with added baileys when curled up .

 The woodcutter is going to hack me around again on Mon 31st.  I had found a few other friendly gatherings but this one has just attached me to a big bunch of balloons, when I can't sleep -just before dawn, I will think of the fairies and their friends the Woodies.

 

Thank you everyone.  

JCJ
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Welcome to the woods, Twinks. No need to feel a fraud, although I understand what you mean, because I did too, at first, on this thread, as I declined chemo. Did have RT though.

 

The first rule of the forum is that Cancer is not a competition and NO GUILT should be felt for "getting off more lightly" treatment-wise than anyone else (see also, the Benchland thread! http://forum.breastcancercare.org.uk/t5/Living-with-breast-cancer/stop-feeling-guilty-small-rant-BEN... cancer is cancer and the diagnosis of it throws your life off kilter, at least temporarily, and sometimes forever!

 

It's OK to feel wobbly when treatment finishes. everything happens so fast we can't assimilate what we've been through until the hospital appointments etc are over.

 

I'm 2 years down the line and more-or-less back to 'normal' (ha! Who am I kidding? Me? Normal? :p) - apart from Tamoxifen & Zoladex hormone therapies. But I'm currently awaiting the results from my annual, routine, follow-up mammogram, so I'm back in the jittery what-if place again at the moment!

 

Vast quantities of any beverage (alcoholic or otherwise) - or delicious, calorie-free-in-here comestibles that you fancy are available in the JM. We sometimes join the Benchlanders for a BBQ - alliburgers - mmm! 🙂

 

 

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hi Twinks, welcome to the woods. We woodies have been known to enjoy a drink or three in the JM (jinglin merkin). So help yourself to the Vodka and coke. 

 

Lack of ongoing treatment won't stop you from feeling the effects of a cancer diagnosis - we don't call it a - er what do we call it? Chemo over but chemo brain still intact. We call it a merry go round, whirlwind, mine field or somthing like that. You might get a 'new you', you might find the 'old you' again. Beware the gremlins in here, they sometimes pop up to scare us but some of the woodies have pet dogs who chase them away. If you've read a few posts, you'll know what I mean.

 

Now, where did I put my stash of chocolate??

Twinks
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

I love the poems and stories in here, may I join you? I feel a bit of a fraud, as although I have..had...Stage one grade 3 tumour, no involvement of the nodes, I opted for no further treatment and my oncologist agreed with me, so I haven't had to go through what you ladies have in the way of chemo, rt etc.  I feel very odd at the moment, last week when I saw the oncologist I was in a state of euphoria, suddenly I feel very tired, very down and I should be happy.  Despite the lack of ongoing treatment (torture?) should I be expecting a "new me" too, or will I get back to the old one?  Should say, I had my wle four weeks ago, still bruised and swollen but that isn't really bothering me.  Do you keep vodka and coke about the place?

002Marianne
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Rosie, Cancer & Her Magic Balloons.

 

This is the story of my best friend - Once upon a time there was a girl called Rosie, who had magic balloons. The balloons were shinny, bright and as light as air, and she would share these balloons with her friends, family and strangers.  Rosie was what some would call a lucky girl she was young, beautiful, funny, intelligent, confident, kind, wise, understanding, brave, she had faith in life. She could appreciate and enjoy the things that were special in life, laughter respect for others and herself.  She kept herself healthy, ran, didn't smoke, ate a healthy diet.  Because of these shinny beautiful balloons she held and shared she was adored, earned respect from others, she was a leader. 

But then came something from out of the blue.  CANCER STAGE III This was a life lesson she could do without.  She took her bravery balloon and marched on.

This was it then, it is what it is, she told herself bravery balloon in hand.  Then towards the end of the chemo, she became fatigued, tired and lonely.  Rosie found herself with some very different balloons, these were grey balloons, heavy balloons, different balloons, trauma, fear, sadness, no confidence, no faith, ugliness and she carried them around with her daily, she became familiar to their weight, she didn't recognize the person she had become, she couldn't let go of the grey balloons were all too heavy, she had been holding these balloons a long long time and with all these balloons crushing her she fell. Rosie wanted to run but she couldn't she was laying there struggling.  But were these balloons telling her something?

Then a friend noticed something there was a glimmer of a shiney balloon, a bravery balloon, the grey heavy balloon tried to bring her back to the floor, the fear balloon was covering her eyes, but the bravery balloon was shining so brightly. This balloon had never left Rosie and she held it. She began to crawl but the balance was uneven but crawl she did. Then another balloon appeared, substance, how did that get there or was it always there? And so the journey begins.

If we return to the begining of the story Rosie is a leader, but what she doesn't realise yet there is a whole army behind her, they in their way have had cancer too.

Rosie went to church, she wasn't overly religious, but went never the less. She had to fill her time.  What did she see, she saw the acceptence balloon, but other people were holding it tightly, Rosie had a loose grip, she held it out for the other people but not for herself.  And she met a friend, who was holding light shiney balloons too. She gave Rosie three of her balloons, encouragement, faith and kindness. Then Rosie went on her way.  The bravery balloon took her to an art class, and Rosie painted a beautiful picture, everyone was amazed at what skill and talent she had what beautiful colours Rosie had choosen.  But Rosie was holding two balloons, she couldn't accept the recognistion of what she had contributed to the painting, that was a grey heavy balloon. Rosie had to recognize her achiement because that balloon was indeed shining, just grab it her friends urged.

This is an ongoing story, but just to add, the bravery balloon is there, the survivior balloon is there and these are shining with all their might.  But will the greatest shinest balloons be the wisdom, the understanding and teaching balloon.

To my dearest friend

Love you always

Marianne Xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Dear Deborah,

 

Most of us feel some, if not all of your difficulties. I know that quite a few have taken or are taking ADs or sleeping tablets. When we are diagnosed, we talk about 'getting back to normal' as do our family and friends. The truth is, we hardly ever get back to normal and we do have to accept it eventually. 

 

I'm sending best wishes for your reconstruction, and I know your courage will see you through this - different, but in many ways stronger.

 

poemsgalore xxx

 

debsstar
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

I can relate to this poem, it's where I am now.  I really don't know what's wrong with me and I just need a friend, to hold my hand through this path.  I've heard about the new normal, the new me and I am just so resistant to the change. I want the old me back, acceptance is proving so difficult.  I have stage III cancer finished my chemo late January and the emmotional journey seems insomountable.  I'm about to have reconstruction, but that's just another of the 'things to do list' crossed off. My hair is still short but I want my old hair back and I want it back yesterday, patience is not my strongest point.  I was a bit of a health nut before all of this, I played by the rules, I ran, juiced, didn't smoke and kept myself fit, no guarantees, just bad luck and then the breast cancer. The implosion has affected every area of my life.  I have no confidence, little faith but I am brave, but not brave enough. I've been on AD's Mirtazapine, for three weeks now, but I can not sleep. Is there anyone who can relate to this, I feel so alone. I wish I never had cancer.

Deborah X

Kayteeb53
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Very thoughtful poem Kath. Think that sums me up exactly too x
poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

I have another poem that describes - kind of - how I feel right now. I will post it here and on the poetry thread:

 

Stalker

 

One year ago we met. 

Just one year - and yet, 

How can I ever forget! 

 

Sometimes I catch your shadow, 

Sneaking down an alley, 

just around a corner, 

in the darkest recess of my brain. 

Stalking me - the ghost of what once was- 

and what might be again. 

 

I thought I had expunged you, 

drove you from my head 

in the halcyon days when poisons 

in my blood rid me of your threats. 

I believed you would be gone for good! 

But here you are, my stalker, 

waiting, while fear of your return fills my mind. 

Oh Cancer, why are you so unkind? 

 

Bas_B
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Love your poem, can relate to it. thanks for posting Jx
poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Oh Kay, that paints such an attractive picture. lol! The Valentines used to call themselves 'Great big fat bald headed buddahs' I still look a bit like that, but with hair now.

 

poemsgalore

Kayteeb53
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

When I was in hospital having a blood transfusion during chemo I remember looking in the mirror at the bald grey face staring back at me and thinking ' you look like Uncle Fester out of the Addams family'
poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

My oncologist has referred me to the dermatology department about my rash and itching. Next time he sees me he says he will put me back on anastrazole, then sign me back to the breast clinic.  Hope they know what it is and can treat it, because my GP's treatment isn't doing much good!!

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Wandy, I'm sorry to hear of any Woodie's struggling. Hope nobody minds me posting my newest poem in here. I know there is a poetry thread, so I might put it on there as well.

 

I was a chemo warrior,
bearing arms with pride.
I didn't care
that I lost my hair
I took it in my stride.

I was a chemo warrior
I lost my breast, that's true.
With lymph nodes gone
I soldiered on
and took what was my due.

I was a chemo warrior
and I'd do it all again.
I can't deny
it made me cry
but it also kept me sane.

 

Kath xx

Wandy
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Have been on the site with some of my chums from my Chemo travelling days. One who needs some special support. Am an original 'Woodie' and am thrilled to see this thread still going and giving support!

Hope all new travellers through these woods reach NEDland with as much love and laughter as we all did a few years ago.

Love and light and many sessions in the JM for you all!!

 

Wandyx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Thanks For the nuts Kath
,

The poems are fab...I've pasted the second into the chemo thread I travelled,with..hopefully it'll hit the spot... Talented lady....

Right.... Fish 'n chips night in the JM tonight if anyone wants to come...

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Hi Jane, I think all the nutty ones were eaten - by moi!! But help yourself to these Thorntons nutty chocs my middle daughter gave me.

 

Here is the poem I mentioned:

 

Heart Full Of Tears

With dark hair and eyes
I looked quite solemn
when that photo was taken.
Unremarkable,
unsmiling.
Different to now.
Bald, moon faced, alien.
No tears in my eyes,
but plenty in my heart.

 

This was brought on by a trip to Tesco!! I was waiting for a bus home and sat looking at the photo on my bus pass. Looked up at OH and said: "I'll never look like that again". He agreed. I don't look like it any more. I think I look better. 

 

Sorry to hear one of the original woodies is struggling. Let's give her a rousing welcome back. I wrote this for the February Valentines, but they won't mind me sharing it.

 

All For One and One For All

 

We woodland folk are strong and tough,
or so we tell each other!
Until the news of a comrade fallen
and having a load of bother!
Then we all join forces
and give support,
and do our best to stand tall,
and give the shout so all can hear
ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL.

 

Kath xx

GIJaneH
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Are there any nutty ones left Kath????

How would you feel about sharing your poem with other Woodies?  Sounds good....

 

one of the original Woodies is struggling at the moment, so we need to clear a space and put up a new tent....

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

I've had a very good day. Sunday. It was my birthday and my family came round with flowers, chocs and cards. I've briought the remaining Milk Tray, so help yourselves.  I've already had most of the caramels so mainly soft centres (bit like me really) Woman LOL Lots of laughter and love, so that should keep a few of the gremlins away.

 

My other good news is that the Maggie's Online Community are publishing a new 'welcome brochure' for their new donors and they've chosen one of my poems to put in it. There will be a picture specially designed to go with it. I'm thrilled to bits to think of all those people reading it. Woman Very Happy

 

I'm off to spread some joy and laughter.

 

Kath xx

 

 

Kayteeb53
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Thanks Jane. Nice to know that Soddit is still fighting our corner
Kayteeb53
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Hi Kath, found the Prosecco (thank you). Enjoyed it swinging in my cosy hammock in my turquoise tent. Did find doing my knitting at the same time a bit difficult though.
Kayteeb53
Member

Re: How wonderful that there is some activity in the woods ag...

Mary, you are right about normal being different. I don't think anyone that has not had BC understands our new normal either
Kay
GIJaneH
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Got out the flame thrower... My dog, Soddit, is good at cornering gremlins ... Lots of practise. Wonder if focussing on other ailments is going to chase away fear gremlin... Have you tried choosing to find something good in each day? The gremlins hate that...it is often a choice, not a feeling... The feelings come out of the woods eventually, catch up and chase the gremlins aw way...

Nuffield of all that.....procsecco in the JM sounds good...is it fish n chip,night?

poemsgalore
Member

Re: Standing outside the dark, dark woods.

Jane, get me that flamethrower now. I've met "you'llneverbethesameagain" a few times. I've had RA for 27 years and an ever increasing number of other ailments which try to browbeat me into the misery of thinking 'what if?' I do have an antidote in the form of a rheumatoid arthritis facebook page. Only a few members, but they are all barmy and make me laugh my socks off. Today I feel good, cancer - ppfft! My tent is pitched and I'm ready for the 'one day at a time' journey to start over. Now where's my gremlin prodder?

 

Kath xx