is your pain from being on taxotere aswell? I've lost track.
Hope you are not suffering too much in this heat.
Hi Ann - glad to hear you are doing better. Will keep fingers crossed for your continued success on reduced dose..
I finally got a night's sleep without painkillers last night, but today my legs hurt........so, back onto the painkillers again! That's 9 days now. And the painkillers bring their own problems............movicol on a regular basis now!
You have a nice weekend,
Just to let you know I'm fairing much better so far with my reduced dose of 2nd Taxotere.
Have to wait and see what tomorrow brings, I suppose, but day 4 is great so far. Just a few mild aches and pains. Slept all morning! Just hope th reduced dose still does what we want it to!
Hope you are doing well.
Funny how emails can do that - I certainly never got it, and wouldn't have ignored it had I received it, no matter how depressing it may have been. I'd have done my best to help!
I prepared a gloomy email to send to a friend who is away sailing off the course of Norway just now - and therefore can't show up here and sort stuff out, she just has to listen to my moan! However, I decided it was just too down and didn't send it. The next day she got in touch - and I managed to send a more gentle version of my complaints! It was serendipity
If you do want to email me, good, bad or ugly - you know where I am! And I'm always happy to hear from you regardless of the email's content. Honest
OOh - you're on facebook?
A little of what makes you feel good I think is the phrase onc nurse really looking for
Yeah, well, exercise - my idea of that is doing only what I find fun - and hanging out the washing doesn't qualify. I've completely stopped all laundry since my op back in late Feb - bad for the arm, you know. I buy the food and cook most of it (because I love it & am fussy about what I eat) and THAT'S IT around the house. Oh yes, and with my boy away in England seeing our rels - boo hoo - I currently also attack the dishwasher because OH doesn't know where anything goes and I hate not being able to find the collander or the garlic crusher when I need them. But this aqua jogging is such fun! You strap a floaty thing around your waist and bounce gently up and down the pool stirring the water a bit with hands and feet and chatting to passersby if there happen to be any. Very good for my Finnish because they are mostly old dears who don't speak much English.
By the way, Sue, funny thing, I sent you an email - or so I thought - a week or so ago, but there is no record of it in my 'sent' mail so maybe I pressed 'delete' instead of 'send'. It was a pretty depressing little note, so I hope I did.
And Anna, funny you should mention water in connection with my 'field trip': this was the last stop before Annapurna base camp & rather tall mountains loomed up all round - as they do, in the Himalaya - with a devastatingly icy stream just down the path. I went down & stripped from feet to waist & washed clothes, shoes & body in it rather promptly. Ah... fond memories. I find myself spending quite a lot of time in the past at the moment - it's more solid than the future and way more fun than the present. I've even been scanning my photos & assembling albums on my facebook page - a sort of cosy little world to visit.
Whatever makes you feel good, as my onc nurse said when I queried my pool use. They'd say anything!
Cheers, M-L xx
Hi Ann & M-L
Had 2nd Tax yesterday, and am spaced out and speeded up on the steroids just now = getting loads done. Laundry basket actually E M P T Y!
Sorry to hear you are having problems Ann - I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday as you go through all this stuff and will be sending good vibes.
M-L - congrats on making it as far as exercise - am dead impressed. My idea of exercise is hanging up the washing!
You all take care now, listen to your bodies, and go with the flow (to quote the latest Always Ultra advert!)
so glad you can go to the pool every day. I am SO JEALOUS!!!!
It would buck me up no end. I make do with a bath full of water once a week, and kneel down in it and let the warm water soothe me. I think a lot of us have seal -like genes in us!! Can't wait to be able to go to a pool. Yours is probably pretty clean first thing in the morning.
Aaahhhh! dreaming of it!
Thanks for your kind words. next chemo is on Wed pm. I've been given an appointment for a mammogram on Wed am, to have a look at this "cyst". May end up with a core biopsy same day, wouldn't surprise me.So, a busy day. This is in addition to the needle biopsy of a deeper area in MRI scanner on Monday, so a "fun" week all round. Shouldn't grumble, at least theses things are being looked at.Grateful really, just developing needle phobia!
Hope your ovary is ok. When will you know for sure?
Thanks for stopping at full description of what you landed in on the other side of the fence!! I can imagine! And not much water about to wash your feet!!
Keep in touch. Love, Ann x
You're really going through it, poor dear. I've got investigation of a suspicious dark 'thing' (probably a cyst sez doc) on an ovary after chemo is over - but I can put that at the back of my mind; a lump that you can feel and see (probably a cyst, sez doc) is impossible to ignore. Very best wishes for the investigation and good that you insisted. Waiting is the worst.
I've bounced back a bit from previous gloomy post & I'm sure it's because I have been making myself go to the pool every day. They talk about infection risk, but I keep my head out of the water with my splendiferous, peaceful aqua jogging and - hey - it's Finland. Everything is clean. And this place has great big windows onto a park, and is usually almost deserted at the times I go. Nearly 3 weeks and mobility & mood have improved and I positively look forward to it. Plus it's only about 5 minutes drive away past woodland & strawberry and potato farms - I could kick myself for not using it before. We've been living here nearly 15 years. I've had a prejudice against public pools - silly of me.
Only one more FEC for me & 2nd day of this one. No nausea - same as last time. I've always had an iron gut. I've travelled through India and Nepal with 3 different groups of people and was the only one who was never stricken - and I ate off road stalls and didn't wash my hands because there usually wasn't running water. Actually, I exaggerate, there was the time of the sudden stomach churn when I had to leap a fence near Annapurna to discover that someone had been there before me... but we don't want to hear about that, do we. A minor disturbance, anyway.
Bear up everyone, we are getting towards the end of this stage.
Hi Sue, sorry I've not replied sooner, I got my energy back on day 21 and I've been out and about at long last! My next TAX is next Wednesday. I'm getting mentally ready for it, and then it will be only one more, yipee!
Enjoyed having my parents here, but I had so little energy we didn't even talk much. But at least they could see I "looked well"......lol, they have no idea how grotty I felt inside! I hate having to put on a brave face for everyone.
My daughters stayed in The Globetrotter, on Marina Drive. it was very windy on the shore! But a lovely place. They had also stayed 3 nights in the The Central in Edinburgh which they were also impressed with. very clean. The only drawback was the noise from the major roadworks for the new tram lines.
It's my daughters who keep me sane......my OH is making me despair! Since retiring when I had my dx, he seems to getting increasingly forgetful. maybe it's from not using his brain much. I hope that's all it is, not the start of a disease. I'm not very patient with him, I'm afraid! I hear myself saying over and over "I've already told you that twice!" If it gets worse I'll send him to the doctor for a check up. Mind you, my memory isn't much better, but I have an excuse with this chemo flooding my brain.
I am longing to get away to some quiet place and just relax away from needles, pills and mouthwashes! It would be lovely for a group of us to go away together.It's just nice to have the idea of it in the back of your mind!! I've never been to the Lake District, although I was born in the north of England. My OH has been, says lovely. We live in north Buckinghamshire now. Very flat here, although we have a few lakes, which are nice, and LOTS of trees. I think it should be called city of trees and not be associated with concrete cows!
This week I've been in contact with a volunteer from the helpline, who's been through similar, which was helpful. Wish I'd done it sooner, it's nice to talk to someone on the phone. I recommend that to any of you who are thinking about it. And the actual helpline ladies are so sympathetic and kind to talk to. Makes a change from the busy doctors and nurses, who can seem a bit unsympathetic at times! I recommend people ring the helpline as soon as dx. Wish I had!
I'm waiting for a mammogram of remaining breast ( aswell as biopsy of suspicious area on Monday ). I rang my bc nurse yesterday, as can't stand to wait any longer re lump which has been growing during chemo.It seems to be growing more quickly since changing to TAX. Maybe it's just a cyst, but I'm not assuming anything anymore! My onc said leave it alone,we don't want to be sticking needles in you whilst you're doing chemo. But it's becoming visible on the surface now, in exactly the same place as my previous ca tumour on the other breast, and I can't stand to "leave it alone" any longer!! Anyway my nurse kindly got me an urgent appointment. Think they've squeezed me in before the clinic officially starts, actually. So, next Wed, I've got mammo in the morning and chemo in the afternoon. Nice! ( biopsy in MRI scanner on Monday first. The lump may not be connected to the suspicious area ).Just take it off and be done with it,asap!!
Hope you are doing alright. Have you just started your next TAX cycle? I've lost track of the weeks people are on.
((hug)), see you in th Dew Drop Inn later.
oooh Ann - guess where I am??? Near Edinburgh!! Where's their hostel??? Some of us at the Dew Drop Inn (see chit chat & fun) want to get together in the Lakes sometime - probably after all this is over. That place sounds like the biz though - maybe we should switch location!
I'm on 4 of each. Had a right laugh tonight with the oncologist....she thinks I should have a revue at the Fringe we had such a laugh. Started well with me wearing the pink wig....coz my onc wanted me to scare all the respectable ladies....they just averted their gazes!!
Glad your parents are with you for a while.....its always nice to have company - as long as they don't expect you to look after them! How old are your daughters?
Good to hear you're doing ok with everything, keep sane (despite having children!)
Thanks for the hug!
I am so sorry you had a terrible time in hospital.So different from my experience. Bless you.
Hope you fair better with next lot. I've forgotten where you are up to.
Please feel you can ask them for a week's break if you feel very low. I think it's a sign from your body that it needs a little more time to bounce back. It's our liver that has to deal with it all, which is why our appetite goes.It needs time to recover and get rid of the debris from all the cells which have died. I was glad I had a break when I had my bit of a sore throat. I felt loads better, even though in the end I came down after the TAX. Today I've bashed my own toes a couple of times. Ouch! I think you meant nobody had better argue with you? Sending big cyber ((((((HUG)))))
Like you, my plans for getting fit seem to fading fast into a black hole, but I suppose we have to be patient! Not easy!!
I'm getting anxious to finish the chemo now, but I've found the time has gone quickly. ( but I'm only having three of each FEC and TAX, some of you have four or more, that must be very hard ).
It's a miserable day here, weather-wise, not a blink of sun all day. My parents are here for a couple of days, which is nice. Our two daughters are up in Edinburgh for
a week. lovely place. must go there again sometime. They are staying in a lovely hostel, on the coast, next to a golf course.And it has a HOT TUB! Oh, that would do us good!!!! We should all go together next year, have a laugh and a cry together in the hot tub. What do you think?
Speak to you again soon. Watch a funny film if you can. Laughter helps, even if only for a few hours!
Oh great M-L, you mean the aches & pains go on and on and on and on??!? Am glad you finding FEC easier to tolerate and are starting to feel more like yourself again though.
Ann, sorry you are suffering as badly as me. I've already been in hospital with the FEC and have absolutely no intention of EVER going back in, as the nursing care was non existent and actually did my veins damage (antiobiotics straight from fridge into my veins and they wondered why they seized??).
Am sorry - being a grump - not my usual self at all. Can't wait to get this over with and get on with the rest of my life.
Had enough. Nobody better stand on my toes, I think I'll deck them!
Hafta say, that Tax WAS so hard. But it ends - eventually. I'm so sorry you guys are having a tough time.I'm glad you feel the way you do, Sue, but I think I'm relieved I had it first. I was all keyed up with 'coping' and 'doable' and all that stuff, and I found the symptoms rather interesting. It was a state of mind that helped enormously. But now I am bored with the whole bloody business so I'm glad the FEC is easier - being so used to feeling like hell, this feels better, I suppose. I have been swimming a bit and have enjoyed a glass of wine. But I no longer know, nor can remember, if the aches and pains and all the other crap is with me because I felt like that before all this started - surely not - or if I am permanently damaged, or if it will maybe sometime improve after the kind of major 'get fit' programme I can't bear to contemplate. It's all too dull to deal with so I've gone into never-never land. Or off with the fairies, Or whatever.
Love and strength to all, M-Lxxx
like you,the TAX knocked me for six. How are you now?
I developed a sore throat on day 7 which I ignored, then on day 10 ended up being admitted into the Onc ward,dehydrated,very low neuts and slight temp. ( which is why they asked me to go in).They immediately put me on a saline drip and two IV antibiotics. They can,t be too careful when your neuts are that low!
This TAX can be so hard. You feel rough generally so don't know if you are feeling "unwell" as they say, or not.I'm glad I rang them to say my temp was up.I can't fault the care I had in hospital. I had my own room.I was in for 4 nights,didn't get admitted until midnight tho',as had to wait for results of blood test.Good job I'd had a long nap in the afternoon.!!
I've posted all this on another thread. One advantage of being in was that i had a long chat with my consultant, so she's going to reduce my dose next time. Yippee.
That's supposed to be next week, but if I don't feel up to it I'm going to ask for a weeks grace. I want my immune system to be fully recovered. I'm gradually becoming anaemic, are you? But I'm going to start taking iron tablets now. The young Dr i saw today says that's a good idea, be proactive!
Well, hope to catch up with everyone somewhere on here. Hope everyone is doing better than Sue and I. But we'll all get there in the end!! One day at a time.
Love and hugs,
Nice to hear everybody's updates. I've finished FEC (fairly bounced through it, no problems) and had one tax (now day 9) and I'm finding it much harder to cope with. I could barely move for the first week afterwards and was in a lot of pain. I'm on 100mg tramadolx4 daily when I feel bad, which has knocked my appetite for six and given me incredible constipation. When I thought I felt well and hadn't needed any painkillers all day (day 7), I went to my local pub and had ONE drink....then rushed to the loo and was violently sick, so violently that I also wet myself....I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!! So I can't even have any alcohol whilst on tax obviously!!! I'm certainly not going to try it in public again!
I keep getting headaches and earaches and just general malaise with this tax. Thank goodness we get it second. And we are heading towards the end. Only 3 more to go. I can do it.
Stay well y'all - we can do it!
I, too, have been struggling with my first TAX.Fine on the day,last Wed,after worrying I would have a reaction to it.( delayed start by two weeks due to low neuts then a sore throat - but glad of the break, to be frank! ), but day four and five were horrible due to severe pains in my lower back,legs and feet.I spent most of the two days lying on my bed, taking painkillers round the clock, and not getting much relief except when I eventually fell asleep for a few hours.I felt like giving up the whole thing ( like you, Paula. when you got your sinus pain with the FEC ).Not helped by coming down from the steroids at the same , I suppose! Was the lowest I've been so far.I could hardly stand on the floor to go to the bathroom, it was awful. I'll speak to onc before next one and make sure I've got something stronger to take.Following that I've lost my appetite for a couple of days and felt rough, but i seem to be picking up today,thank God.Your comment about flying the giant pair of knickers from a mast when you've finished, Paula ,made me laugh out loud!! First time I've laughed for a few days, thanks!!
My daughter and OH have both got a tummy bug, so i went for blood test yesterday to check my white cells are high enough to cope, which they are, but I've to keep a close eye on myself on report any symptoms of infection straightaway. i was sick yesterday evening, but they're not sure it that's the chemo or the bug.
I'm on day 7 now, so my neuts could plummet at anytime! I would say the tax is definately harder to do than the fec. My is tongue is sore, despite the mouthwashes. I may go to GP tomorrow to see if I need Nyastin.Sorry for moaning, it's good to have the energy to get back in touch! I have a date for my further biopsy in three weeks time, but that may clash with a low day in next tax cycle, so I'll see if I need to change it. I'm feeling a bit negative at the moment about the whole thing, but hopefully will pick myself up as I get my appetite back. I'll pretend I can taste what I'm eating!!
How is everyone else on this thread? Are you all hiding in the Dew Drop Inn? I don't blame you one bit!! I don't drink usually, but maybe a nice glass of sweet white wine would do me good!
Love and hugs to you all.
Well, I spoke too soon about positive response to FEC - I'm not particularly nauseous, or only a little, but this is as much of a wipe-out as the Tax. Ah well. More holding down the sofa and sending the OH out for another season of Desperae Housewives, which is about the mental level. Now that he has got used to me being a bit of a dead loss, and confident that I'm not going to weep or anything alarming like that, the OH has polished up quite nicely into more of a help than a hindrance around the place. Pretty much as you describe, Sue - I got into a pattern during the first cycle when he was away and resented changes when he got back. Poor fella - it's his home, too. The son is my lifeline and comfort, same as normal.
The lymphoedema - early days, but once it's there, they say it's treatable but not curable. I've been given a referral to have a therapeutic sleeve fitted, to be worn when moving around & at present sometimes the swelling in hand and upper arm seems to disappear & I think, yippee, but it comes back. After the first disbelieving rage I've decided not to worry about it until after rads - as they don't offer treatment until then here, anyway. My distress, if I am honest, was largely a vanity thing - who wants to have one arm like an elephant? - but that's a bit childish at this stage.
And that's about it from me - knackered - I'll be in touch Sue - best wishes to all, M-L xx
So sorry for not posting for weeks, but I had to take some time out for a while as first TAX (5th June) really knocked the wind out my sails, and its taken me a bit to get back up and then i had my second (26th) last week so have been waiting and watching.
I've been following your threads but have lost track with how most of you are doing, so can I say, stick at it girls the road is getting shorter and we are all nearly there.
Tax left me with absscess' under my arm (3 in total) that could'nt be lanced due to risk of infection, oral thrush and thrush downstairs, nevermind the faitque and boney aches and pains!! I'm holding on to only one to do which when finished I'm going to buy the biggest pair of knickers I can find and attached them to the television mast on Caldbeck Common (in the lake district) with the words written on it " I DID IT".
My kids are my saving grace, but even they have had to be shipped to family and friends over the past five weeks - I find that really hard cause I miss them so much, but when you get low, nothings right and even kids become hardwork. Hubbie good but also under pressure being self-employed and having to work to a strict timescale, he laughed off the other day about being nearly divorced until I put him right!! Ah bless.
Hang in there Ann, Sukes, Lyn, Rachy,Sophie and anyone else I've missed, thinking about you all and sending you loads of hugs and good luck wishes. Its so good to know that others feel the same.
All my love,
What a numpty your onc sounds........my own chemo nurse & onc told me about the morning sickness thing. So glad you avoiding it! Really sorry to hear you have lymphdeoma - how are you coping with that? I don't like to ask sufferers, but is it forever? What's the story with it? I feel I know you well enough to ask.
Sheep all sheared now and have been busy spinning the fleeces whilst watching tv. Am now at the plying stage, which requires concentration, so I've left it be for a while. These steroids for the tax are really hittting me hard. I don't think I need such a high dose! Am wide awake AND exhausted! Bizarre!
Kids are at mum &dad's for weekend in case I reacted badly to the tax - but it's been ok. Bit worried you said I'd feel sore Sunday/Monday, when it's hit on Saturday!!! Hopefully that means I'll be fine by Monday, I'd really like to get to work, and just be normal (gibbergibbergibber in the corner - and that's me AT work!).
OH has been around, and been wonderful, cuddles on request, and back rubs. Of course, he's dug out a whole load of stuff that now needs to be found a home - like I don't have enough to cope with just now....I KNEW HE'D DO THAT when he was off - he just can't help himself. Think I'll just set it all alight!
Is your OH still at home? Are you managing to rub along together alright now? Sometimes we get into a routine on our own quite quickly, and find any change to it hard to stomach (like raking through cupboards and finding lots of treasures to be found a home....like the cupboard wasn't a good enough place!). I used to find that when OH would work away for a week at a time. When he came home he was just in the blooming road! Actually, he still is, but I find ways to cope now!
Nice to hear from you - keep well, keep sane (well, try!)
How's the Tax fallout, Sue? Shouldn't be any problem until maybe Sunday or Monday when there can be some aches and pains - constant slow movement dealt with mine, but everyone is different. I haven't had any nausea from the first Fec yesterday. Didn't have a moment of it when pregnant either - so I was interested in your comment, which other people here have also suggested. I said as much to my onc on Tuesday and he smiled in a condescending way and said 'Interesting analogy, but this is rather different.' I felt like saying that dozens of women agreeing with the same thing should at least be worth a bit of attention - but couldn't be bothered. It's hard to get up on your high horse after the little twerp has just had a fastidious feel of a saggy, scarred breast - and the fly of my jeans had come undone without my noticing!! A humiliating experience, along with the assurance that I have lymphodeoma - big cheerful smile. Y'gotta laugh. How are the sheep?
Lovely to hear from you Polly and good luck on Monday. Is this your first grandson? You must be so excited - I think grandparent hood is the reward for parenthood, which, less face it, can be pretty stressful at times!
Try to have a good weekend and keep your mind off the job on Monday, which at least, as you say, brings you closer to the end!
Thought I'd pop in again and say hello! Like everyone else on this thread I have been having a spell off the website for a while - but have looked in from time to time to see if there was any news of you all. Thanks Ann for getting it going again. Sorry that you are feeling a bit low at the moment - I think it is natural with all we have been through - the treatment grinds you down after a while doesn't it and it still seems a while until the end. I hope all is clear with your biopsy and more surgery is not required. I too have been putting on weight with the chemo - it's harder to cover those extras pounds than the bald head and the flat chest!!
Good luck with the chemo tomorrow, Sue and M-L - hope all goes well and the fall-out isn't too bad. I'm off to the hospital on Friday to have my blood tests and see the Onc ready for TAC no 5 on Monday. Must admit the dread is starting to come over me again now the chemo is lurking but I usually calm down by Sunday when I become resigned to the inevitable!! Only 2 more to go - the end of chemo, at least, is in sight!
It is now only 4 weeks until my daughter is due to give birth to her son (our grandson!) so I am lucky in that the end of chemo will also coincide with me becoming a grandma - 2 reasons to celebrate!
Well, ladies, hope you are all doing OK - Sukes, Lyn, Paula, Rachy and Sophie how are you coping?
Love and best wishes to you all - take care and keep well!
Hold the sofa down?
re FEC - did you get morning sickness? If not, you are less likely to get nausea. I bounced through the FEC, which I believe is easier than the Tax. Did you have any other side effects?
Best of luck, and nice to see you back on here - has your sister left?
Sue (out of brain on steroids, buzzing) xx
Good luck with Tax tomorrow, Sue - we are swapping treatments as I've said before & I start Fec tomorrow after finishing the Tax. I'm a bit nervous - hate nausea. Best of luck with the Tax and get ready to hold the sofa down.
So sorry to hear all is not going well with you. Things do seem to go against us when we are feeling low/tired/can't be bothered with any MORE hassle. Glad you managed to get a good bra, you can always keep washing it until they have more in stock! WHat's up with OH? Don't worry about going for counselling, it can be a tremendous help, particularly when going through a really rough time, like now!
So when are you starting Tax? I start this Thurs, and I'll admit to being a bit apprehensive about it.
Nice to see you on this thread, it's a shame we aren't keeping up with each other
Don't know if you are posting on another thread, or, like me have been keeping occupied with "normal" things as much as possible whilst the going is good? Hope you are climbing out of your dip now, Lynn. Sounds like both you and sue are being kept busy just trying to keep warm!!
My first tax was cancelled due to having low neuts. then i had a sore throat last week, so delayed a secind week. i was glad of the break, actually. Have been enjoying my food! But not the expanding waistline! Now i'm getting fed up being bald and fat. Also facing possibility of further surgery due to discovery of suspicious area in other breast. Waiting for appointment for a biopsy under MRI scanner. ( which I hate, but oh well ). generally feeling fed up that all my feminine parts are being taken away. Does anyone else feel like that? I didn't have a very positive image about my femininity to start with! OH not being affirming does't help. i think i may need to have some counselling if i go on feeling like this. One positive thing, I did get fitted with a lovely post surgery bra, which has helped me look more even on the chest.Want another, but out of stock this week. Things seem to go against you when you're feeling low - or does it just seem that way?
I'll see if any of you are posting on the dewdrop inn! And join you for a chinwag on there.
best wishes to everyone.
No lambs, tup fired blanks! Just as well, think it was fate. After my stint in hospital I was told to stay away from the sheep because of the risk of ecoli. I couldn't do that if I had lambs! We start shearing in June - joys. My OH takes ages, but the sheep emerge without a nick - which is quite an achievement for the average shearer! Tell your brood to put extra clothes on - or put blankets on the sofas as a hint! Sleeping bags may be pushing it though. I presume a maiden ewe is what we call a gimmer - 1st time mum?
Sorry to hear you are so tired, I must admit to getting tired myself these days. By the time I'd met the fishvan at the end of the track, then went to the supermarket, then collected a friend from town I was knackered - and it was only 9am! However, have had to push on and get the ironing done too, coz house husbands don't do that apparently. Och well, I suppose he's doing the school meeting whilst I am sat here talking to you! Swings and roundabouts.
Hope you soon feel more like yourself and more chipper. Hope the weather takes a turn for the better for you soon too - we have glorious warm weather here today!
Hi Sue, thanks, seem to be in a bit of a dip, thought things had been going well but I am more tired than ever. I'm 3 down too, one more Epi, then four months of CMF twice a month. Still feel as though I've been clouted in the ribs and awake half the night with thunderstorms rolling around, we'll sleep tonight.
Yes the logs will have to season but should be ok for the back end of the winter. The trees coming down are aspen, not the best wood but I'm getting a stove with doors to replace the open Rayburn Rembrandt and they should burn better shut in. I let a huge load of wood go a while agowhen the willow was pollarded (in return for some cockerels!) and the guy reckoned his woodburner could eat anything. I can't imagine how the average family will afford oil next winter, it's going up every week. I wish my soft brood would put extra vests on. They say wood warms you twice, chopping and burning it - my son happily gets the chainsaw out but doesn't work up too much sweat, he blanches at the thought of chopping!
Do you have lambs? The latest Soay arrival next door is a striking skewbald, from a maiden ewe, pretty little thing. At least they don't need shearing - my farrier was planning to do his Swaledales this week and will be cursing this weather!
Hey Lyn - was thinking of you the other day, as I hadn't seen you. Am really sorry to learn you aren't doing so well this week. I know the oil bills are horrific....I ran out and had to get 2000litres....haven't had the bill yet though, and am dreading it! Don't you have to season the logs first? We have a good stock of logs, but don't have a back boiler, so still have to run the Rayburn for hot water, so may as well get heat out of it too!
My chemo going ok - done 3 out of 8 now, so getting there. A few hiccups along the way, but what is life without a little indigestion?!
Take good care of yourself and hope to see you in the Dew Drop Inn soon.
Paula - THAT'S why I have sore hips and upper legs....pain from the Neulasta - is there NOTHING without side effects??? Thanks for letting me know - thought I was getting old!
Hi ladies, catching up here quickly... it's hard keeping track of threads. Not so good this week, a lot of tummy pain from well above the DIEP recon scar and also a bit wobbly since the 3rd Epi last week - the cold cap got to me this time, weepy, shivery and nauseous from the cold, but still the hair is there, albeit thinner. Wish I could say the same about the waist which is decidedly fatter, am a stone heavier since starting chemo and was already a stone and a half over ideal weight then. I suspect the tummy pain is partly weight related, seeing GP on Monday for a certificate for work and may have to get another appt with the plastic surgeon if this ache keeps on.
Isn't it COLD (though better than yesterday)?? Trying to stock up on logs, and am having two trees taken down soon, as the oil bills are so horrific. I guess the fat can keep me warm but the kids will still turn the thermostat up without a thought!
Hope you are all finding your chemo manageable and enjoying the long evenings, even when it isn't summery.
HI Ann G
Just to say your MM stubble might not fall out with the TAX my hair started growing week 3 of TAX 2 I have a little stubble so I am delighted so keep your fingers crossed I never shaved my head and I had a few wispy strands through out FEC my comfort blanket I called it!!!
Hope all goes well
Glad to hear you've been enjoying the good weather, it does help doesn't it!
hope you are not trying to do too much, but appreciate that you want to do what you can.Hope the antibiotics did the trick for you this time.
I'm feeling a lot better now I've relaxed a bit after 3rd chemo today. You try not to get anxious, but there's always the worry that it will be difficult to find the vein. It was fine. I needn't have worried....those onc nurses are very experienced! Just had to hold my hand under the hot tap for a minute to make the vein pop up!
Trying to avoid the strong smell of fried onions coming from the kitchen,whilst lovely OH makes his food. maybe I should go out in the garden!
Suffering a little with hayfever,which I don't usually get, so don't know what's best, the smell of the onions or the runny eyes and nose!!
Take care,thinking of you,
Ann G xx
I've just spent half an hour typing and just lost the lot!!
So good to be back her again, boy have I missed you all, so sorry but since the weather has been good I've been catching up on a few chores at home, and looking after my kids as hubbie - being self-employed is working all hours from 5am to 8pm so life's a bit hectic, i wonder sometimes if this is his way of coping with everything.
Sukes/Ann - so sorry to hear you've been a little low I cam sympathesise with you I've suffered depression on and off for 15years since loosing my brother when he was only 17, so I'm well accoustomed to antidepressents, When your having a bad day nothing is right, but when its good, everything is bright and believe me BC really does that too you, Just take one step at a time, you don't have to beat yourself up about things, life is so hard at times and we all suffer feelings that are dark when things are tough, just remember we are all here for you. Don't be frightened to ask for help from your GP - I'm a nurse and you would'nt believe the number of people there are out there that need help, its not your fault, its just your bodies way of coping and its got to the stage where it needs a little help too.
M-L - so pleased you have got the Neulasta injection, it has worked wonders for me, by blood count does really well, which has helped my infections, I know its hard to inject yourself and its not pleasant but it will do the trick and help keep infections away!!
Sue - Good to hear you having the Neulasta too, I know it comes with the side effects but it is worth doing and if it keeps chemo on track then go for it. I suffered some bone pain in my legs but took ibuprofen to help.
Sophie - good to hear your keeping well, and enjoy your hubbie whilst he's home, my hubbie works away alot as he is self-employed, so it is difficult especially when you just need a bit of normal conversation.
take care all
Had my 3rd fec today.Half-way through. The time is going quickly. Feel a bit tired and wooly headed...must drink more water, me thinks. The pollen count is so high here, because we have so many trees that i've been suffering with watering eyes and a runny nose the last few days. Doesn't usually affect me that much. I've off to buy some piriton to see if that will help. Onc nurse said it's ok to take the none-drowsy type.
Been reading the thread about the channel 4 programme,which I missed last night. How to look good naked. I believe it can be seen online if any of you missed it. Comments are enthusiastic.It will probably cheer me up, so I'll try to watch it today.I've asked my breast care nurse if I can go for a fitting of my prosthesis in two weeks time, as my Comfy makes me look lopsided and I've become very concious of it. My scar has healed up well, although rather lumpy!
Hope everyone is coping, who have had chemo again this week. Thinking of you. Hope you have all got a good book or film ready for your sleepless nights whilst on steroids! It's good to be prepared,isn't it. I'm making good use of my daughter's laptop on those nights! Have to watch I don't set the duvet on fire though!! Have to keep shifting it around into a cool patch! Doesn't help with the hot flushes. lol
Hope everyone has a good night and a good day tomorrow,and finds something to laugh about.( I had to laugh at myself yesterday,tried a new recipe and it didn't go quite to plan. it was tasty,but looked a bit like a dog's dinner!!! ).
Ann G. Hugs to everyone. xxxxxxx
Sorry you are still troubled, Sukes - but with that list of things to deal with, it's hard to get above it, isn't it? This Tax is tough. I had a second infection scare yesterday when my temp stayed at 38 for a couple of hours as I tried to pretend it wasn't. Finally rang my nurse in tears of disappointment and she told me to get the old a*se back into the hosp - three rounds of blood tests later they decided it might have been a response to the Neulasta because CRP was normal and the temp went down a bit, so I insisted on coming home. Physically I feel like a dirty rag, but rather cheery at the narrow escape. It's a tall order maintaining equilibrium in the face of this physical debility & the reasons for it, however - and I don't think I could do it with little kids. You are doing a great job against intolerable odds. Things WILL improve. Hang in there.
OH came home at midnight, with a bundle of hilariously inappropriate presents from Argentina - 4 cookbooks telling me how to roast whole sheep and T-bone steaks, and a DVD with tango instructions and music, among other things. Y'gotta laugh. Me, I'm nearly wetting myself now he's gone to work. HUGE laughter. The tango! I can barely make it upstairs. He's not an arty type, Sue, but a production manager - which is pretty much like organising the supply & logistics side of a small war - but the shoot had been organised brilliantly by the Argentinians and he came home stress-free, which is a first. We were quite pleased to see each other - we're good friends more than anything else, no drama and little passion, plenty of personal space, which is not bad after 22 years. Like you and yours, Anne, we haven't talked much about this; as with Sukes' loved ones, his response is very much, 'of course you'll be fine' - and I'm prepared to take that at face value. It's his way of coping, & it's not a bad one. Don't cross bridges etc. His expression changed when he saw me without scarf this morning - I didn't realise he was up because I am sleeping downstairs - but I think it was just the shock; he got over it. Now if I can just teach him how to make coffee and to leave the dishwasher to son, who knows where everything goes ...
His first job is the half acre of 'lawn' which hasn't yet been cut this spring because son has also been sick - like Anne's OH, he'll be out there sweating in the garden, not his favourite place. Though actually the wild flower-meadow look is rather pretty. Why do we have to have it short? Bloody convention!
BTW, I don't know Dundee, Sue, but one of the funniest guys I ever met came from there & he and another buddy had a big pub/nightclub there for a few years some time back until they were closed due to some kind of misdemeanour. My old dad used to visit them from time to time, said it was a good laugh. OD goes back to Wales on Thursday - he's been a rock and always cheerful, but I bet he'll be glad to get back to his own little ways.
And to echo you on the other thread - hope everyone has a MARVELLOUS day.
Love to all, M-L
Oh Sukes, if you are coping with steroids, periods, tax pains, lack of sex and lack of social life it's no wonder you are feeling so low. There's only so much a body can take, and that's not counting the emotional impact of bc. How are you minimising the deep dark thoughts? Have you managed to find a way to spoil yourself, pamper yourself? A way to make you feel good about yourself even for a short while? This needn't be something expensive, just painting your toenails can make you feel good. Or, you could have a head massage. Or hide away with a good book. It's certainly how I cope when the thoughts get too heavy, or I write them down, but that can be hurtful AGAIN when you read them back later.
I had a hardback journal when I had post natal depression, and I wrote everything in it, including drawings of the angry monster I'd become, how I wasn't getting on with various family members, real and imagined slights etc, the truth about how I felt (at the time) about parenthood, my babies etc. When I was back to myself, I had a ceremonial burning, all that bad stuff in the book was GONE. Very theraputic.
Take it easy Sukes, be kind to yourself. Am thinking of you today
Nice to read your moans so life is still normal to a certain degree. My hubby is much the same but sometimes his silence does get to me when hes doing chores.
I'm still suffering with deep dark thoughts and i have just commented on there as i have had problem with the damn internet. I just hope is part of steriods, periods, tax pains and no sex or social life thats making me feel this way.
Love to you all.
thanks for that wisdom. I know we are easily hurt by the "wrong" words, however well-meaning they are said at the time. So, I think I will wait, thankyou.
I have to own up and say my OH has been doing all the hard work in the garden!! he went mad with the hedge cutter last week!! I just supervise him from the safety of the patio door, cold drink and chocolate in hand!!! It was a bit too hot for me!
I've just sown some seeds in pots, planted up a few tubs, and snipped a few bits of privet back near the back gate! I do enjoy it though, it takes my mind of the bc for a while. ( Stop to fling off fleece ). Phew. I don't know what my OH thinks of me putting my fleece on and off all day. It must look funny!
Awww Ann - sorry to hear you had even more bad news. Online fraud is an increasing problem, at least it was resolved quickly. Re loss of breast - I think you might want to wait until you feel stronger, and more used to your appearance before asking OH how he feels about it - if you do that whilst you are feeling vulnerable he may inadvertently hurt you. And these hurts can last.
You can come and cut my grass, pot weeds (weeds in the garden, foxgloves etc, are wanted at the village hall garden!!!) etc anytime you want. I just look at the jungle and wish I could put the sheep in there for a while....except some of the plants are poisonous to them!
Love to all
Hi to you all,
yes, I haven't been on here in a while because i've been trying to forget about the bc as much as possible ( short stretches of time, anyway! ), by helping some friends with their house-move, and pottering about in the garden,and sleeping!
I read your thread about having very dark thoughts, and really feel for you. I've only had a few days where I've felt a little bit low, today being one of them ( which is why i came on here ). From what others have said, I think it must be true that the chemo does affect us in more ways than we have been told. They do mention mood swings in the blurb, but that's hardly what you have been suffering with, is it? I do hope you have been able to talk to someone by now, and maybe finding a way of coping with the dark thoughts,if they are still in the forefront of your mind. Maybe your Dr will prescribe a mild antidepressant to help you get through? Thinking of you, and wishing for better days ahead. I do admire all of you with young children. It must be SO much harder, just getting through the chemo, I can only imagine.I think having to put a brave face on for your children,when you're feeling tired and low, must be exhausting in itself. Bless you. may their smiles and laughter lift you up.And may you get all the hugs you so desperately need, without asking. One big one from me (((((HUG))))
Glad you'll be having antibiotics before next chemo (this week?). Hopefully that'll make the world of difference! Hope it's going well with you.
I'm off for my pre-chemo blood test tomorrow, 3rd FEC on Wednesday. Second fec hardly affected me at all, apart from an itchy rash on my neck which started two days ago. I'll mention it to onc nurse tomorrow. My little stubs of hair have even been growing about 2mm! I know they'll fall out with first tax, but it cheered me up lot!! I'm hating being bald.Finding myself quite emotional these days about loss of left breast. Thought it didn't bother me much at first, but now it does.Still haven't plucked up the courage to ask my OH how he feels about it. Once I know he's ok with it, I suppose I'll cope a bit better.We haven't talked about the whole bc thing very much at all, now I think about it, except for me to reassure him that I believe I'll be alright! this is so difficult on so many fronts, isn't it?!! Did you see the "sticky" about a podcast to be made this summer? And the comments following it? it's helpful to know others are finding the intimacy side of things so difficult. It's great to have a safe place to share our feelings.It helps to know you're not alone,even if there are no answers!
Well, I'm going to fight off the malaise and do a little more planting out in the garden. Plants are very therapeutic for me!
Best wishes to you all,
Ann , hugs to all xxxxxxx
P.S. forgot to say,my "low" day may be the result of thinking too much about our recent bad news....I've had money stolen from our bank account through online fraud. Sometimes you can't believe how many bad things seem to happen at the same time!! Still, at least it was found quickly and we'll get the money back, but a shock, all the same.
Awww M-L, I know what you mean. Men never really "grow up". My OH always said his job wasn't for grown ups, and I think Xmas 2006 he finally grew up (at 45), as he has found his job really stressful and difficult since - I think the sabbatical is more for his benefit than mine!
It's funny how we settle into different roles for different people. Why do we do this? Why do we have more roles in our wardrobe than clothes? Was thinking, as I sat in the sun away up in the hills, surrounded by lush green trees and peace and quiet..(to h*ll with sun & chemo being a bad combo), with my morning coffee and my trashy novel, listening to the birds singing, the lambs bleating for their missing mothers, their mothers frantically bellowing back (nice picture?), I feel rather odd. I feel I should be miserable really - gosh knows we have enough to be miserable about - but I don't think I have that role in m wardrobe!!!
Have just deleted a big moan that I felt I should be miserable about, but amn't (now, amn't proves I'm from Dundee originally, nobody else says it!). I may start it in "living with breast cancer" coz I do want to let it out though. Keep your peepers peeled!
Your OH will love you regardless of whether you have hair M-L. It's just temporary. But I know I've had to gird my loins to go into certain situations without hair (even if wearing a wig or scarf) and I know there's a knot in your stomach for a bit. Have you thought of making life easier for him - I put stickers on my son's drawers in his room, saying what article of clothing goes where, so he can put it away himself (he is 16 too!). Some men just aren't built for practicality, especially the more artistic/academic types, such as your OH. So, go round the kitchen putting signs up "PANS HERE", "CUTLERY" etc etc. He'll then know, and you won't be so stressed. He might think you've lost your marbles though! You can just say you thought it was a way he could help you, and then you can show him how to make coffee (that's one thing my man does do, but it's like tar!). The thing to do, I've discovered, is not do everything for them anymore. I now tell OH where stuff is, rather than jumping up and fetching it for him...sometimes it's harder, but its for his own good!
Is your Dad still staying with you? How is he? Did I mention we went to Rovaneimei (prob spelt wrong) in the Finnish Lapland too see santa many years ago? Had a ball. Would love to do it again, but will probably have to wait until I have grandchildren!!! I actually just want to shop now, and buy replacements for all the souvenir slippers etc we got, loved and wore out!
Take care of yourself - I think you'll find the wifely role is at the back of the wardrobe, crumpled up into a ball and is full of crinkles now!
Love to all
How is everyone? How are you doing, Sukes? I so hope the dips and rises of this beastly thing have brought you back up a bit. Hang in there, not long to go until these bloody chemicals are behind you.
No problem with the shot, Sue - it was a bit of an ordeal approaching the business but completely painless and problem-free. I have a large, well-padded expanse to aim for & I imagine any tiny veins would be distantly distributed. I bottled out of pulling back the plunger to see if blood entered the syringe, however. I would have squeaked and hopped about if it had. Besides - they didn't do that in hospital & you've got to take these things step-by-step. Nothing odd happened so I guess it went fine.
Don't worry about the Tax - I guess I haven't had a clean run with it, but it's been far from dire. Day 4 of number 2 today so some aches and pains, probably augmented by the Neulasta, but a couple of Ibubrofen 3 times a day is all it takes to put it to sleep. I find it better to move around rather than lie and wallow in it. So I got a bit of exercise walking around the local shop yesterday - utterly demoralised by the 'eat like a horse' thread - and bought a pak of mini Magnums (choc-coated ice-creams if they don't have them in the UK). Now one of those is more fun in front of a movie at midnight than an oatmeal cookie - and a certain temporary cure for the pains of chemo and the irritation of handfuls of spiky hairs thickly distributed in every sensitive place around the body, except the scalp.
OH comes home tonight after an absence of nearly a month. I had hair when he left. I'm not looking forward to it a lot, to tell the truth. I'll have to drag out the wifely persona, dust it off, and put it on. I'm not sure it will still fit after weeks of doing things my way - nothing else I own fits any more, so why should that? He's a decent bloke, but not much sense of humour and suffering a bad case of physical withdrawal since all this started. I suspect he has the emotional age of a teenager. One somewhat younger than our 16-year-old son. He's also of the "take it easy, what's for dinner?" school of helpfulness; and when he does stack the dishwasher I have to take it all out and do it again. He doesn't know where the saucepans go after 15 years in the same house and he can't make real coffee - let alone anything else. Oh dear. I think I'm going to cry. Nope, just wet eyes and a wipe. He'll be away a lot for the rest of the year - filming a Finnish biopic in foreign parts. Thank goodness.
Got that off my chest. Now I'll go and rummage through the wardrobe for the wifely role.
Love and all the best to all, M-L
Hey Sophie - glad your neutrophils bounced and you got your treatment. Hope you are feeling more yourself tomorrow. Think of the bright side, you have now half way through. I found it didn't help to get ahead of myself with the threads, now know more about tax than I really wanted to at this stage....am bottling it, and yet still have my 4th fec to have first!
Wierd thing happened to me when I went for a chinese carry out tonight....a woman looked at me and said "why are you wearing a scarf?" I said it was coz I had no hair. "Cancer?" She said. Nosy besom I thought! Yes, breast cancer I ansewred, and she HUGGED me....explained she had bc two years ago, was doing the race for life in a fortnight etc. We discussed hair loss etc! It was a bizarre encounter with quite a drunk woman, but... solidarity sisters!!!!!
How you doing Sukes? Hope you have had a good weekend.
ML - you administer your jag ok?
Love to all
Neutrophils bounced back, so I did get my chemo on Wednesday. I felt odd for a few days, but I am almost feeling OK. I haven't got my energy back yet, which frustrates me, I have absolutely no patience whatsoever. The good news is that I am now 1/2 way through chemo. Now it is 3 tax to look forward to... ( I have stopped cheering).
I hope you are all doing well and keeping the spirits up; or to be more realistic, that you are not suffering too much from the yoyo effects of this emotional rollecoster.
Have a good week everyone.
hey ML, that's what I'm getting - I got my first Neulasta shot yesterday....I hate injections etc, but it was a breeze, the trick is to slowly inject it. The actual piercing I didn't even feel in my well padded belly at all!! I had a nurse do it for me this time, but am sure I can get OH to do it for me as it goes into the insulin injections sites, and as a diabetic he knows where they are...I may even get the guts to do it myself....not that I can even see my belly, would need to use mirror!
Aww Sukes, sorry you aren't getting the attention you need just now. A cuddle isn't too much to ask really, is it! However, I can understand his concern. My OH just asks if it's ok for him to cuddle me a certain way, and I either agree, or find another more comfortable position to accommodate him! Just grab him! He may appreciate it!
Love to all
I switch back and forward between the 28th May thread and this one and won't duplicate my posts - but yesterday's Tax went well, despite 4 failed attempts to hit a vein. Knowing what to expect helps, swift, efficient service (in and out in less than an hour and a half) makes everything as stress-free as poss, the gallons of liquid I consumed seems to averted 'foul-mouth syndrome' and I make a deliberate effort to enjoy the steroids-high - y'gotta find your pleasures where you may. And, like Sukes, there's not much in the physical department that fits the bill. My big old son still cuddles me - but that's not quite what I mean.
Now I'm off to stick my Neulasta shot in my well-padded belly - this is going to be a trial because I'm no fonder of needles than anyone else, but other women manage it according to other threads, and so can I. Isn't this forum a great support? I wouldn't have had the guts (scuse the pun) without knowing it can be be done by the novice, and the round trip to a clinic would take over an hour and be a bore. Is this what you are getting, Sue? I started a thread on it a while back - it has a miraculous impact on white cell/neutrophil production & therefore infection control. And costs a bomb. At present, sitting in my refrigerator, it's probably one of the single most valuable items in the whole house! It costs me 3â‚¬ - or rather the hospital lent it to me till I get a new national health card for 'very expensive patients' and I can fill my prescription at a chemist and replace it.
Love to all, M-L xx
Hope your line has gone okay. Its just a bit unconformatable when they put it in but bearable. It does make life a lot easier no more needles and crap vains. I had 3 epi and my veins were so sore afterwards but they are getting better now.
I always pull it out my bra and tell my hubby its my little willy. I don't think he see's the humour in it. I must admit since I've had it in my hubby finds it hard to get close to me if u know what i mean as he doesn't want to hurt me or dislodge the line. Even a cuddle from him now is hard work and I am starting to feel quite issolated.
Sophie - have a lovely time in France - even if you do have to stay out of the sun! Sounds like you'll have your hands full anyway.....of material! lol
Sukes - thanks for good wishes - the line should make life a lot simpler, and I'm (in a very wierd way) looking forward to it. Only coz it will save me tears!
All the best to everyone...
Like you I will get the injection the day after chemo. So if everything goes well, it is blood test Wednesday morning, chemo
Wednesday afternoon, injection Thursday morning, and radiologist Thursday afternoon.
As for holiday, I want to go back home to France and spend some time with my mum. She had had to have the the roof redone, and tons of things done around the house. My brothers and my sisters and I want to go and help doing the finishing touches. They have my name for the curtains, as I won't be able to paint shutters in the sun.
It is an old farm converted, and we only have curtains in the old barn. The other rooms don't really need any. The barn doors are massive (5 metres by 3 metres), imagine the weight of the curtain fabric...
Good luck with your line.
I have a hickman line and it was fitted on a monday and chemo was administered the next day throught it. I asked if you have to wait for chemo to be administered from a newly fitted hickam line and the can do it straight away. Sorry to hear you've had a rough time recently.
Hope this helps