My new picture is Lulworth Cove where I really would like to be at the moment, took pic a few years ago. Went down near there over the Jubilee before starting all this.
Went to have line flush today and found out I may have low platelets? thats why I keep having nose bleeds, so they took a blood test to see. Also have to sit with my feet up on a stall now as got water retension in ankles. There is always something new to look forward to isn't there!
My new hats came today so at least I have something to keep me warm when I go out tomorrow, got a scarf as well.
Keep falling asleep during the day so have trouble at night sleeping hence posting this so late, will try to go now nite nite.
I feel exactly the same when it comes to looking in the mirror, how can my husband still fancy me when I look like this. He says I'm still me, but I don't feel like me. Hopefully I will get used to how I look.
Ribby have you tried Ranitidine for your indigestion that's what I take and it works for me, it's worth a try if you haven't already.
Ribby I am taking Ranitidine for acid reflux/ heartburn which is great. that omi stuff did'nt work for me either I got it over the counter pharamacy but she said you can get it on perscription too. When you meet someone new they are not going to compare how you are now to what you were they will fall in love with you as you are reconstruction or no.
Raonaid - i said exactly the same the other day! Hair fell out if i sneezed but had a bath & needed to shave my legs!!
Alfie - glad u doing ok. Hope u managed to stay awake during the film!! I was out again today for a few hours - absolutely exhausted but def glad i went out!
I understand about the mirror thing. I found myself looking in the mirror the other day & thinking 'wot a mess. 1 tiny boob left, huge scar, no hair.... will i ever look like ME again?'. Being single i cant help but think no man is ever going to want me again - if i dont think i look good, how can i expect a guy to do the same. Makes me rethink about reconstruction - if i have it, it may help claw back some confidence - i know it'll not be the same & i'll still be scarred (more so after they take skin/muscle from my back) but at least i'll feel less of a freak. But on the other hand, my scar is ME... & any guy i meet will be told about my battle, etc from the start. I know i sound really selfish & vain but this year was supposed to be my new start especially after my divorce & being made redundant. The plan was new job, new man, new life. Then *bam*!
But like a (male) friend said, 'no guy who was interested in you before was after u for your tits Mel!' (i am flatchested!) and my hair will grow back & im sure i'll enjoy experimenting with styles & colours.... & i could use my recuperation time to rethink my career i suppose....
Im still struggling with indigestion. Really bad pain in centre of chest that radiates to between my shoulder blades. Feels like ive got summat stuck in my throat. Omeprazole doing no good so gonna fone docs on monday to get checked out. Im breathing ok now, its just so painful - it woke me up this morning
Anyway, glad we all seem to be dragging ourselves back to humanlike....! Take care Pumpkins xxx
I'm sure our hubbys love us just as much as always wgatever we look like and I'm sure they are scared and upset that they can't fix the problem which is the male approach (Venus and Mars) :-). It is scary but we are getting the treatment we need and we will be monitored closely in future so fingers crossed girls xxx.
omg yes still got loads leg hair but head and down there falling out like crazy v odd!! i know he loves me but god like u say im freaked out by me!! am praying eyebrows and lashes dont completely go!! yep ive got 2 mummys kids espec my.little girl.she doesnt particularly like her dad!! i just cant bear the thought of leaving them...i.so want someone to.say im going to be alright....
You dont need to apologise Lynseyp37 I am sure we have all had thoughts like that. I know I have I try to imagine how my husband would cope on his own, my girl is a real mummys girl, he is a wonderful daddy but theres the but, THE UNKNOWN. I asked my hubby if he was getting used to me with no hair or was it still a bit of a shock when he first sees me, he said its still a bit of a shock. What I believe is we love our partners for who they are and my hair is a part of me but only a part. He says I'm still me I have to believe that. I'm glad he thinks so cause when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or the reflection in a window I dont recognise myself. Its like I've been teleported into somebody elses body and they are living in my body somewhere else.
On a lighter note why is my leg hair still here but the ole lady garden is looking mighty sparse. Its a horrible joke
Ah Jayne you are lucky you have such a good employer. I am working from home too and to be honest it gives me a focus each day and takes my mind off it. i too am strong and in control normally, i think you have to be when you have kids and now i just feel useless and scared stiff. my hair is coming out in handfuls and i am scared as to what i'm going to look like bald - what are teh kids going to think, will my husband still fancy me - doubt it!! i hate what this c word is doing to us all and most of all i'm petrified of the future. i'm only 38 with stage 3, er+, her2+ - couldnt be any more aggressive so what if it comes back - i just cant imagine not seeing my kids grow up. gosh sorry guys just read that back -how depressive am i!
You are right Alfie, it just feels so tough when you are in the few days post chemo, I am a lot more postive when I climb out of the fog - guess that is the same for all of us :-) Feeling better tonight so breaking the rules again and having our Friday curry - difference is now I share one with my daughter as my appetite isnt great for the first few days but eating helps avoid the queasiness.
Like you, I hate not looking like myself although luckily I still have both boobs. I also dont like feeling vulnerable, I am normally strong and in control and I still appear that way outwardly but inside I have my real wobbly moments and feel very unsure - I only go into work one day in week 3 to keep in touch, work at home the rest of the time, and last week I was really nervous about going in. There was no need as everyone was lovely and it was nice to be there. I guess I feel a bit guilty as I only started that job 3 weeks before I was diagnosed and they had already waited for me to work 3 months notice. Having said that, they could not have been more supportive and keep telling me that I didnt choose this and not to feel guilty at all and just ot do as much work as I feel up to - I am so lucky to have such a wonderful employer.
Hope everyone has a good evening and weekend xxxx
Jayne M keep smiling we can get through this (honest!) It is really really rubbish though isn't it! Hope you are currently lounging on the sofa and at least managing to surf the web....
Have had a really mixed day as well. Feel ok now although tired but completely lost it this morning. Couldn't manage to get myself up to get the kids to school so my husband had to go into work late so he could do it and spent ages crying in front of the mirror at the look of myself - one boob less, no hair, pale skin........It's not a good look really is it?!
Feel a bit better this afternoon and have managed to slap some make up on, supposed to be going to the cinema tonight with some friends to see Skyfall - what's the betting I sleep through at least half of it?!!
Raonaid you have inspired me to go and find some lovely auntumnal colurs to look at before they alll fall, that can be my mission for the weekend!!
keep smiling everyone
Lots of love
Hi Lynsey - thank you for that, I was thinking of calling today but it is much better than it was last night - just couldnt get comfortable in bed. Dreading washing hair tomorrow after cold cap yesterday - hair getting thinner, mainly on top, but still hoping to hang on to enough to avoid wig as I find it uncomfortable - I have some scarves to cover the balding bits as long as I dont get too many more.
jayne m - ive been struggling a lot with discomfort / pain / burning across my breast / lumpectomy scar. finally rang breast team today who totally reassured me. said nerve damage def and could have for2 years!! she said if she had any concerns would get me in but did say shed make an appt with surgeon if really worried. feel better altho with boob pain and head pain (hair falling out) im so tired and guess everything magnified....
Thank you Raonaid, I can picutre the light - dull day here today and I am looking out of the window at the leaves on the tree opposite turning yellow. Using my sofa time to do some online xmas shopping, just cant face the shops at the moment.
Glad you are feeling better, make the most of the next week or so x
I know what you mean Jayne m I am just coming out of the 'sofa days' I went for a walk round a nearby wood, I thought since it was sunny today I 'd like to see the autumn leaves whilst there are still some on the trees. Living where I do artic winds soon blast everything. It was beautiful and golden sun through beech leaves and I'm sending you that golden light Jayne
Bad night last night, luckily the queasiness went away but couldnt get to sleep and then dozed on and off all night so feel really tired today. My lumpectomy scar area felt really sore as well so I struggled to get comfortable - I guess the chmeo must have targetted the scar as normally its fine. I am not one to stay in bed so am on the sofa feeling sorry for myself and thinking do I really have to do this three more times :-(. I know I will be fine in a few days so have to keep that thought in my head.
Nonni: thank goodness for Emend - me too, bit nauseous but not vomiting on day 3 which is an improvement on last time! Good luck with all GP and planning, I agree get all the help you can.
Fifirosalie: I have such a pile of books by my bed and can't concentrate on any of them!! My day job is looking at the quality of services for cancer nationally, so it's a bit surreal and have been advised not to go back until after all treatment!!
Raonaid: sent you a message this morning, but flagging it here as they don't show up well do they?!
Have the best day possible all Pumpkins, whatever bit of the roller coaster we are on today.
Keep talking Raonaid! It's very comforting to read others' thoughts about everything. Thanks also for the book tip, am gonna look that one up right now. I'm usually a devourer of books, but since my diagnosis have started about six different books and not been able to finish any of theM. Can't seem to concentrate for long enough.
Nonni, hope GP is supportive, mine was great and basically advised me to take as much time off as I could afford as recovery would be faster and better. I work in a college with teenagers, and she thought the risk of infection was far too high from them and best avoid them altogether! Sounds like u got some good advice from Macmillan, hope that works out for you. The money thing is such a tough one, anything that makes it easier must be good.
I had my 2nd FEC yesterday and can't believe the difference taking Emend has made. No nausea, I have an appetite, have been able to eat my normal food and my blood sugar readings are not much higher than they normally are.
I had a discussion with the Oncologist about work and she is advising I do not go back until I've finished with chemo - lets see if my GP will agree to give me a longer certificate when I see them tomorrow. I also called in to chat to the MacMillan centre at the hospital and on their advice I'm going to attempt to apply for DLA as the cancer & treatment is having an impact on my other disabilities - I'm not hopeful but in view of the fact my DH is out of work and I'm on half pay we could do with some assistance.
Raonaid, no, stay with us!! We are all on this mental, emotional, physical roller coaster together. I guess sometimes we're just on different bits of it. On Cycle 2, day 2 TAC, I'm definitely on the physical, nausea, leg - but tomorrow it might well be a pure emotion day. Keep telling us what's on your mind. Thoughts and hugs xxx
I started this thread back in sept, only because I was coming up to starting chemo in October but please feel free to talk about whatever you want it doesn't just have to be about the chemo. It will make a nice change to talk about other things.
Sleep well all (if there is such a thing )
Raonaid - dont be daft! Feel free to rant & rave. Sometimes it helps others to open up if someone else is feeling down, depressed, pissed off, etc. Its not just about the physical side of chemo - the mental/emotional side is just as hard. I have days where i feel in such a dark place, then other days where i feel quite positive, anxious, freaked out. but it helps to know im not the only one feeling like that.... x
First time I felt like I had any energy today 9 days after last chemo. I started reading a wonderful book mentioned on another thread called 'I am not my breast cancer'. Its a collection of comments about every topic you could think of connected to breast cancer written by women themselves who have been on this bloody awful journey. I know this thread was started for those of us starting chemo but I feel like talking alot more about how I am feeling in myself not just my physical symptoms. Do you want me to start a new thread on this rather than clogging up this one with my wittering?
Glad to hear from everyone, Jayne M can't believe you have had no 3 already, well done! Hope all continues to be well with you.
Still have the most horrible taste in my mouth but I have to say it isn't stopping me from eating in fact I think I am comfort eating and will end up the size of a small house by the end of all this sitting around!
Yesterday was definately a VERY low day and I spent a lot of it feeiing very miserable and worrying about the future, today I feel a bit more positive and although I still feel REALLY tired have managed to be a bit more active around the house and can feel like I am hopefully coming out of the horrible bit of no 2 chemo ( I hope!).
Well done Ribby on getting out and about, when I went to pick the kids up from school earlier I did suddenly recognise that I had had virtually no fresh air, must try and get a bit more tomorrow! Oh well onwards again, tomorrow is another day (day 8 for me!)
Sleep well everyone,
lots of love xx
Ps going to speak to wonderful nutritionist soon re chemo diet, but supposed to keep 5 day food diary but too embarrassed as a cream cracker & two pieces of apple may not be acceptable!! Going to try spag Bol but without the Bol tonight! Here's to a return of the taste buds for all of us .... xx
I think the anti-sickness meds make a real difference - they give me a big dose of emend then two other drugs all via the drip before they start and I have been fine other than a little nausea. I do make sure I take all the other drugs at home too rather than wait to see if I need them - normally take all for 5 days then 2 a day for the last two. Of course that causes other problems but senacot seems to help, again I take one every night rather than wait and I do have a strange week of extremes.
Hi all Pumpkins old and new!! Seems it's a week of ups and downs for all of us, good we've got the forum. Did a post yesterday but seems to have gone awol!
Had TAC two yesterday, so this is tiny post as no brain or energy. As vomited so much last time had better anti-emetics this time, still nausea ++ but no vomit!
Sorry for short post but thinking about you all xx
FEC 3 done and dusted - half way feels great! Feeling spaced and a bit nauseas but think that is partly due to the gallons of water I am forcing down. Mum is in the kitchen cooking her wonderful fish pie so hope I can do some of it justice. Fingers crossed the next few days go OK.
Ribby, I think you are right about the getting out bit, I should do more of it and park my 'can't be bothered' attitude some days. I guess the knicker thing is chemo frog, I told my OH that the wine glasses were in the fridge the other day (meant dishwasher) then got annoyed because he didnt know what I meant!
Day 7 of FEC 2 already! Terrible nite - started shivering around midnite - temp ok - so put the heater on, blankets & bedsocks! Finally dozed off about 2ish, woke again at 3, then dozed off again til about 430. Up at 730 with Princess so needless to say im knackered!
Felt tired, anxious, short of breath, indigestion & sluggish all morning - didnt want to move, talk or eat. However, mum dragged me out of bed at 2 with orders of RIGHT LADY, GET DRESSED & PUT YOUR WIG ON, WE'RE GOING OUT FOR A COFFEE!! Begrudgingly did so. Managed coffee & cornflake cake but felt really paranoid that people were looking at me. Just wanted to hide under the table in the cafe. Anyway, was then dragged round Home Bargains where i stocked up on liquorice allsorts & bran flakes! Athough when i first went out i felt like crap, i must admit being dragged out did help me a bit. Was only out for a couple of hours but def perked up. Am now waiting for my tea - pushing the boat out with chips, peas & loads of tomato ketchup. I know i NEED to eat & im sure thats the reason i feel so lethargic but i really cant face anything (although strangely a pack of marshmallow teacakes appeared in the trolley while shopping!). Adamant i am going for a walk 2moro (probably only round the block) to see if that helps me feel better.
Fifirosalie - i will be hitting Holland & Barratt asap to sort out some herbal stuff. I was surprised to be told by my oncologist not to take my Dr Bachs remedies (although my complimentary therapist recommends them!) but am def interested in the items you have mentioned. Like you say, i dont care if its a placebo effect, if it works then im all for it!
Alfie - hope you are feeling a bit better hun. I was talking to a friend (5 years clear this month - yay!) as i was concerned i felt worse due to it being my 2nd & i was thinking jeez, wots it gonna be like by the 4th, 5th. She assured me she felt different after each session & you dont necessarily feel worse the more sessions you have. In fact she said her worst was #6, as in being tired & emotional but we think thats due to the fact it was her last one & was her body saying 'finally, its over!'.
Im still feeling a bit nauseous - i think thats probably due to the headaches (again) & the fact im not eating properly yet.
Look after yourselves girls.... ((big hugs)) xxx
Catzoo, the chemo will be affecting your taste buds. I'm about to have my 4th cycle and my taste buds have given up!
Strong tasting foods like marmite, chilli and curries can cut through the chemo induced cardboard taste. Pineapple can help too. Hope you find something that suits you
2 weeks post 1st FEC and feeling physically fine, but mentally done in. Got various odd rashes "down below", on my neck and on the BC boob. Took myself in as an outpatient to get checked over and I am neutropenic. Didnt know what that meant. They explained white cell count very low at 0.4. Risk of infection high. So have come home to hibernate. Score has to be 1.4 by next Thursday so that 2nd chemo can go ahead on friday.
Feeling absolutely shattered. And emotional. Crying last night cos I made a lovely macaroni cheese and it tasted like cardboard. And I cant taste chocolate any more.
I was planning a meal out on Saturday then to go see Skyfall. But guess this is not a good idea right now.
Is it the chemo affecting my tastebuds? Or is it the vile mouthwash I've been using twice a day?
Has anybody any suggestions on what is good to eat? What will still taste normal?
I have worked out I cant taste salt at all, or sour. Tomato based meals taste ok. I dont eat meat, so seem to be surviving on hearty bean soups. Which has sorted out the constipation at least ;-)
hi pumpkins and new pumpkins,
hope everyone is keeping well, feeling much better after being so ill the weekend, 3 days of consipation and then 2 days the other way, and bleeding pyles, for the first time managered to get to 48 without having them before, cancer as got a lot to answer for. know so what you mean about the foggy brain, keep forgeting simple words, daughter keeps laughing at me thinks its really funny. at least at work i'm still able to function, but think its more on autopilot lol.
big hugs xx
Hi everyone and new pumpkins
Fifirosalie I too have injections for 5 days after each chemo husband does it for me, makes me feel abit tired afterwards but does the trick to keep you going.
I actually feel ok this week and went out yesterday for a walk, didn't feel liking doing much afterwards though. Seem to want to eat lots of choc but regret it afterwards as feel so bloated, then don't eat dinner properly.
Been looking up about hormone therapy as have to have letrozole after radiotherapy and worried about all that now! Shouldn't have done it as now more in a flap.
Hi kayteeb, yes me! I spent 8 days in hospital after my first FEC cos I was neutropenic and really unwell. When I first went in I just thought it would be a couple of days on the antibiotics and home, but my neutrophil count just carried on going down til it was almost nothing. Most of my hair fell out while in hospital too. I didn't have a line in, but they had to give me a PICC while I was in because they were taking bloods twice a day and my veins just gave up. So sorry yours has gone wrong, I've been ok with mine, it was such a relief once it was in. I did start to feel pretty black in there, but the neutropenia really wears you down. Nurses kept saying I'd feel much better as soon as blood count starts to rise, and that once it does rise it goes up fast, it's true.
I have a friend who's a herbalist, so I have herbal medicine which is supposed to help, and am taking a load of supplements she's recommended: multivitamin/mineral, omega3, probiotic, coenzyme q10 (supposed to help with energy levels) and bromelain (supposed to help chemo work). It might all be pie in the sky, but happy to try anything! It's all safe and been cross checked with chemo and other meds. I have also tried really hard to eat loads of veg, fish, fruit and whole grain stuff, so reckon my diet is as healthy as poss. Have stayed away from sugar and processed food altogether apart from honey n my porridge and the odd bit of dark chock.
Just had my second FEC last Thurs after it had been postponed for a week, and although I've been sick a few times, am actually feeling a lot better than first time round. Could all be in the mind I know, but even if it's placebo effect it's worth it. Consultant has given me some injections that start today for five days to boost my bone marrow (it's a DIY job at home, but other half is willing to do it if I bottle out) and also precautionary oral antibiotics. Fingers crossed this will keep me out of hospital this time. Ask about this if they haven't suggested it, and also sometimes they will also adjust your chemo dose, or reduce the number of cycles you have.
Really hope you start to feel better soon, just rest as much as you can, and eat as well as you can. xxx
Hi pumpkins and welcome new pumpkins. Just starting weeks three. Had a rubbish weekmy i have DVTs all around my PICC and had to have it removed, 6 months of anti coagulants now. Also neutropenic so lots of antibiotics and in hospital since last friday. Has anyone else had this? Feeling sorry for myself as all seems to be going wrong (probably need a kick up the behind). Hair starting to come out, hair is quite fine so don't think it will last long. just hope the next 5 cycles are better
TwinksMum I did,nt get your first message but got your 2nd which I replied to on the 5th I think something not right with the messaging system on this website. Anyone else seen the news this morning re the bc Doctor suspended for carrying out unnessessary ops?
Hi Raonaid, replying to your previous post, you are definitely not the only one putting on weight! Have a burning desire to eat cake, any sort will do, and at the moment am achieving that goal with ease! Especially today when I went for second FEC and blood count too low so put back a week, its the weirdest feeling not wanting to be ill for another week but at the same time just wanting to get the bloody thing over and done with! I did PM you but not sure you got my message?
Hi Alfie, really hope you get a good nights sleep and are feeling brighter tomorrow, just remember that the good days do come, eventually!
Raonaid, Alfie, Ribby, you are not alone! I turned up to an assessment appointment over an hour early last week. I came home fuming about how long they kept me waiting, and only realised today that I made a mistake. Also had a run-in with a photo printing machine in Asda -used it hundreds of times before with no probs, but just couldn't work it out. Kind counter assistant had to help me. Must have looked bonkers too as I was wearing a hat and scarf with a hoody on top and it was quite warm in there!
I used to be a teacher, now librarian in FE/HE college -my job is all about helping students and other teachers with research and using IT, my whole reputation is about knowing stuff and helping others sort out complex things. Don't think I'd last five minutes at work with my current brain!
I'm doing a masters degree by distance learning, and I thought I might be able to use the time off sick to catch up a bit with know now I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to finish it.
Ribby and Alfie I though it was just me getting premature dementia or going crazing my memory is shot. I got the delivery day wrong for the new bed room furniture I thought it was today and hubby who had just come off night shift was sitting up waiting for ages for it to arrive I phoned the shop and had to sheepishly tell him er sorry its Thursday. Hellow busyrachel I am a teacher too so I hope my memory probs are only temp.
Hi busyrachel and all the other pumpkins,
busyrachel welcome to the pumpkins, glad you're starting to feel a bit better from the second dose, it's encouraging to know it happens! ...
I feel like I have had a really bad day today and seem to feel a lot worse this time than last I have got really bad chemo brain which I am finding really frustrating as I don't seem to be able to string a sentance together at times and am really really nackered!
Have just completely burst into tears in front of my 2 kids as my husband is stuck at work and I didn't know how I was going to manage to put them to bed on my own and now I feel really guilty as I have been trying so hard for them not to see me in too much of a mess as it's so unfair on them at their ages to have to see me go through this...Bless them they were brilliant and gave me lots of cuddles but I can't help but think this is not what they should be seeing at the ages of 7 and 10
Sorry to be so down I think I've had too much of my own company today, I'm not used to it, am used to being busy busy all the time and this total tiredness is really rubbish!
Hopefully tomorrow is another day and one more day towards feeling a bit brighter!
Lots of love xx
Hello Ladies. I have been reading your comments for a while and getting a lot of support from them but began to feel like a stalker so thought I ought to say hello.
I had a mastectomy in August after being diagnosed with invasive lobular cancer in the last week of term. A great start to the summer holidays! I had a node clearance as well. Now, 6 doses of chemo - 3x EC and 3x tax, then radiotherapy. I'm now 8 days after 2nd EC and feel human again. It took longer this time to get rid of chemo brain and I still have that heartburn feeling.
I'm using the cold cap and my hair is just about hanging in. I'm shedding a lot but it looks normal on the school run, which is particularly important as I teach at my younger children's school and they want things as normal as possible. A Mum who knows what is happening said I look more relaxed than normal, must be because I'm not teaching. I did point out that I would far rather be at work than going through chemo any day!
Thanks for your support so far. xx