Still miss my old body

[NAZ]

Hi Angel
It is funny you should mention about your close friend not being near you since diagnosis, because I lost a few ' friends 'along the way too. Has your friend explained why she hasnt been in touch?
Think ' out of sight, out of mind' probably sums it up. When we are all dressed, we give the impression of looking well and fine. But, as you say, stripping for a bath or shower, is a different story!

Not too sure where or how the sinusitis comparison comes into the equation?? Are people that ignorant and stupid??

You need or remember that is is VERY early days for you, you are still healing on the outside.

As for me, probably no hope, 3 years on and still not that impressed with new body!

Take care and thanks for replying to something which I feel doesn't get discussed enough at times. Hope that doesn't make me sound although I am wallowing in self pity. It is just that sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I wonder what the hell happened...!

NAZ xxx

[Angel2014]

Hello ladies,

your posts and the article have struck a cord with me.

I am 4 weeks post mx with ld flap reconstruction.  Because everyone tells me that to look at me you would never suspect I'd had anything wrong with me or done I feel like I should be on cloud 9 but everytime I strip for a shower all I see is an alien boob and scars and I know I will never be the same again.

One of my closest friends hasn't been near me since the day I told her of my diagnosis and because I've been lucky enough not to need chemo most people are behaving like this is a blip and I now need to get on and return to 'normal'.  One person even compared it to when she had sinusitis and it hurt to move her head, so she could understand how uncomfortable I was moving about!

I think the phrase out of sight out of mind is apt so maybe we should wear a bikini top around certain people as a reminder that covering up doesn't mean it hasn't happened and we have to live with the physical and emotional effects forever!

[NAZ]

Hi again Jenji

I slept badly, the wind and my brain, bad combination!

It feels as though I am really failing with this body thing to be honest. That said, I know if I can access some good support, I might be able to manage better and find some coping strategies like you have.

i was fine for ages, the MX went well, had the reconstuction done twice. Had kids to focus on and life. But at the end of 2012, it all went pear shaped and have been up and down like a yo yo, all body related.

Suddenly I am very aware of the changes and I hate them, they make me angry and very sad at times. But because it is all hidden, no one is aware I suppose.

I am glad you can see light at the end of the tunnel and even if is not constant, at least you have made a start, you can only move forwards now can't you.

Have a good day today Jenji xx

[Jenji]

Hi again Naz

It has really helped to have that support and to know that someone would understand all the issues around body image.  The fact is we have to live with this change and have to find a way of coping and dealing with it  so that it doesn't dominate everything as it did for me.

The thing about having a specialist person is that they are trained and focussed on the cancer issues.  I am so glad I asked my breast care nurse about it so if you have no direct luck with Macmillan then ask the Breast Care people even if you are not in touch with them on a regular basis.

Right now,18 months after the mastectomy, I really feel I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But that is not constant and it just makes me feel a little more hopeful about potential relationships and confidence in other situations.

I am up late tonight so I hope you are asleep and able to stay asleep until you feel rested.

Bed now

JenjiXX

[NAZ]

Hi Jenji

Thanks so much for your reply back.

This body image stuff is a big thing for me, the biggest of the lot. I say to myself, 'Thank god I am alive', til im blue in face, but the fact remains, I need to feel good about myself too. Not just for a week or so, but for a long time to come. I have emailed macmillan to see what support is on offer, so I hope they reply.

You are so right, body does effect everything. I have been surprised at exactly how much. It affects my mood, confidence, work, relationship with partner, everything..

I  am also glad that you found some good bras and lighter prothesis, well done! How do you feel about things  now? Did the Onc Psyh help you?

Take care too.

NAZ XX

[Jenji]

Hi Naz

Sorry you are having bad time...Oncology Psychologist...She was one of the services offered by my local Cancer Support Centre and I have been seeing her for a year but will stop soon.  The trouble is that this body thing just brought up so much stuff about my whole self, despite the fact that I always felt okay about my body.  I think it's really important to talk about it as it has an effect on everything.  I happen to be 66 but liking my body and seeing myself as still having a sexual identity is a really important part of still being alive and being me!  I just got a new, lighter, different kind of prosthesis (how I hate that word!) and some new bras and that helped me feel better (to the outside world) at Christmas.   

I would look into finding someone to talk to who really knows about this body image thing.  

Thank you for some of your posts over the time as they have really helped me.  

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Jenji xox

[NAZ]

Jenji, what is an Onc Psych? someone who helped you deal with changed body? Did it help? I wonder if I ought to see someone, no idea, always up and down with body, never at peace with it.
Bad nights sleep last night, Brain won't switch off and makes everything worse!!

[Jenji]

Thank you all for this thread.  And for the article which touches so much on things I have felt...the 'pink and fluffy' image of Breast Cancer and not the reality.

And, Oh Yes, I miss my old body and the fact that every day I am reminded of that.  I am not sure why just after my mastectomy 16 months ago I felt so happy and euphoric dancing around with one breast and looking at myself.  Maybe just relief.  But maybe I had forgotten that it wasn't going to grow back and that it is for ever !!  However long forever is.  

I am so glad for you all out there and grateful to my Onc Psych.

I send lots of love and hugs to anyone who reads this...

Jenji xx

[Jenny065]

Hello Naz,    Pleased it helped,  and good to know that you have contacted your counsellor. mine was so patient  ,  Its as you say it lurks just below the surface,  and rears its ubly head just when we least expect it.

These  cold dark wet winter days don't help much.  roll on spring,  but I have seen some early daffodils out  they looked so lovely. 

  those nasties are giving me a bad time  at the moment- got a few aches under left arm??/  - so ... panicking

when will it end 

Higgles Jenny. xx

[NAZ]

Thanks Jenny, you are a real life saver do you know that :).

Feeling a bit brigher this afternoon, keeping busy helps lots, as does getting out and about in the fresh air.

I made contact with the counsellor whom i saw last year some time, the other day and enquired about support groups etc and she told me what was available. I thought by now, I would feel loads better, but what I have come to realise, is that is never quite goes away, it kind of sits beneath the surface. I have noticed that the bad feelings dont last as long now and If i distract myself enough, it all passes soon enough, but when the bad feelings come, they are horrid.

Thanks for the tea and listening ear, it means a great deal xxx

[Jenny065]

Hello Naz,   I don't think that you have coped badly, . I think you have done better than me You have often been on here and boosted me up when I have been feeling low,  and I have thought wow what a fantastic  lady,  you have supported me and I guess many others.  so you should be proud of what you have done,   you have continued to bring up your two lovely children whilst on this horrible journey. so that shows how well you have coped.    I know its easy to say all this,  but I truly mean it.    You aren't alone,  we are all on here for you at anytime. I am just about to have a cup of cup,  so will make one for you.

All I can suggest is that if you are still feeling rubbish etc this week go and see you GP or BCn if you are still in contact with her.  Get yourself some nice shower gel,  and some gentle body cream and pamper yourself, including the bits we don't like.     keep in touch.   

Sending  lots of Huggles  Jenny. x

[NAZ]

Thanks Jenny amd lovely to hear from you again. I have done shockingly bad at dealing with this whole experience, everyone has coped so much better than me. I hate baths and showers these days, not to mention stupid hotel room mirrors! This is me now. Feel very alone once again with it all and I don't know why. Beginning of last week I was really upbeat and by Friday, back down to feeling rubbish again. What is happening??? Love to the children and that lovely baby I am sure xx

[Jenny065]

Hello Naz,    and everyone else.  just read the article- brilliant . You truly aren't alone, and you have done so well so far,     I feel much the same. i am ok when I am dressed etc, startiing to feel "normal"  whatever that is, and not constantly thinking that I look different.  But when in the shower etc, well that is very different, just feel mishapen, and ugly,  although i know that my surgeon has done a brilliant job,  and I am so grateful to be alive. It just seems that although the surgery treatment part is behind us,  we will always be reminded of what has happened. and that is much harder than everyone thinks. As the article says friends and family etc seem to think that once treatment is over we are back to how we were. if only they truly understood.

Naz, keep smiling keep fighting, you aren't alone, we are all still here with you. 

Sending a big bundle of warm Huggles.  

Jenny.

PS the baby will be one on Weds,  so where did that year go.  hugs to your lovely 2.

[NAZ]

It is good to hear I am not alone, as it does feel that way at times. I sometimes wonder if I ever really survived the experience at all because some days, I get hit with this wave of sadness and the grief which follows is really hard. Then it passes, before something else happens.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy to be alive, but like you Louis, I feel that part of me has died, regarding how I feel about my body, it was such violent surgery.. and to live with this numb mound forever, well that feels hard too at times.

Some days are great and others are not so great, maybe I just need to accept this is how it is now.

[Louis]

Hi Naz, I feel the same as you. Bath and showers make me sad. Not had my reconstruction yet. That is another story. My partner and I sleep in separate rooms now. We are still close, but something has died regarding the way I feel about my body.
I am going back to work in Feb, I work for a large airline company as cabin crew. I am hoping that work will help restore my self esteem.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. xx

[songbird68]

I feel the same Naz so thanks for bringing this up:)

Thanks for the link Mary, certainly hit the nail on head for me!

x x

[NAZ]

Thank you Mary. That article just sums it up for me. It's hard at times, surviving this disease, no matter how much I try to move forwards,

[mary32]

Hi Naz

I've just read this

http://4timesandcounting.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/what-the-media-doesnt-tell-us-about-breast-cancer/

Thought it might strike a chord for you too.

Take care.

Mary

[NAZ]

Well, it's been 3 years since LD Reconstruction of my left side and I still do miss my old body. It's history for everyone now, old news, never mentioned, but when I am in the bath, well I miss it. The look and feel of my old natural breast, the same one which was trying to kill me I guess!! Life is good, I am seeing the kids blossom, I don't feel as angry as I once did and the sadness is lifting, But bath and shower times, they are hard! Bra shopping is tough too. The feel of that alien implant annoys me at times, but it seems a small price to pay for life. Not surer of the purpose of this post really, suppose I just wanted to say that after everything, I do miss my complete whole body, the one which was healthy.