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Strength with others

29 REPLIES 29

Re: Strength with others

animals are definetly intuative x

Re: Strength with others

I'm pretty sure my cat Oscar sensed I was worrying when I was waiting my biopsy results. I was waking early and he'd come in for a cuddle, which often helped me to fall back to sleep. xx

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

I have a dog too ,but they are such a big commitment, particularly if you are tired /ill/incapacitated,they need a walk whether you feel up to it or not .I have had to call in a lot of favours with dog when going through treatment .A cat will just sit contentedly next to you on the sofa ,low maintenance !!!

Re: Strength with others

to be fair although i like cats i do prefer dogs but have only ever had big ones so maybe not a good idea just now ... my daughter got a ginger called tiger who i love to see so perhaps i should reconsider being a cat person he might agree to that

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

Cats are very relaxing ,stroking them can lower your blood pressure .They are always available for a bit of fuss even in the middle of the night .

Re: Strength with others

They are Basia and I am trying to convince my hubby having a fur baby to stroke will be relaxing x he will probably get me a hamster 😄

Re: Strength with others

Aww hugs are always good. I got one today too from our social worker (we are foster carers).

 

I'm rapidly getting a very strange sense of humour along with my lovely hubby. He says he should be offended by neighbours cat blooper as she obviously thinks he isn't capable of taking care of the pets!

Re: Strength with others

That bleep has amused me I got a tortoise but would love a fur baby but my mr grumpy hubby (who is actually fab) said no
I just been to school canteen and the dinner ladies just said sorry to hear your news but we know you got this sorted then I got 7 hugs was actually really nice 😄
Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

How funny maybe the sensor misread your spelling of c*** Basia !!! I was glad I only told a handful of people as even the best of friends didn't get it right a lot of the time and left me feeling resentful or hurt at times . There is a really funny thread somewhere on the site about the rubbish things people say /do when you tell them .I will try and find it and bump it up .Obviously very irresponsible getting a cat (particularly one with such a rude name ) when you have cancer ....😳

Re: Strength with others

I know the breed of cat you mean! LOL x I have 5 (just moggies) but they are my real comfort when I am having a "down day". After all, they can't open those tins of food themselves, and looking at their hungry little faces, makes me realise just how reliant they are

 

Re: Strength with others

I've found telling people hard. You never quite know how they're going to react and almost always end up reassuring them.  I've found people I didn't expect much from have been brilliant and some people I thought of as friends not so good.  

I'm very much an animal person, I have 2 dogs and 2 cats and have always wanted a Maine **bleep**.  When I got my diagnosis my husband found a breeder and booked a kitten for me.  He thought it would be something positive for me.  When I told someone I thought was a friend, she said she couldn't get her head around me having a cat when I've got cancer.  I told her I don't have cancer any more because the doctor has removed it!  Afterwards though it made me feel pretty rubbish.  I'm rapidly reaching the point if someone is making me feel worse I'm avoiding them.

 

Edit - Apologies! The sensor obviously didn't approve of the breed of my cat!

Re: Strength with others

Bolly I took the bull by the horns so to speak yesterday and actually said to someone you crying is not helpful the response was I did not know what else to do so i guess it's abut of a nervous reaction on their part x diagnosis is defineltly a positive as we then know what we dealing with

Re: Strength with others

Hello everyone,
I find it exhausting telling everyone.I have recently been diagnosed and am trying to stay positive.I have a small tumour with some lymph node involvement but not aggressive and the Breast team are happy that it is totally doable and treatable so I am trying to stay positive.I start chemo on Thursday and then surgery later on.Most of my work colleagues have been fabulous and very positive,but I have an old friend who has sort of abandoned me-I don't think she can cope with the news and I have been quite angry about that-and a few people have been quite upset and treated me like they expect me not to last until the end of the week,which really does not help.I know it is so very difficult for friends and relatives-there have been times when I feel so guilty for putting my loved ones through all this worry.There are days though,when I am actually quite positive and then my day is ruined by me feeling quite depressed because I end up trying to comfort a distressed friend or relative!!!I know that sounds really selfish,but I think this is all just another aspect of things that people don't realise you go through when you are dealing with Breast Cancer.
Love and hugs and Thankyou to everyone-This Forum is definitely a huge help XX

Re: Strength with others

Yes one of my friends said I will add you to our church groups prayer list I just said thank you x no preaching no fuss just a simple kind gesture x

Re: Strength with others

Charys yes I believe in God myself and have another friend who just quietly mentioned they said a prayer for me in his church which I appreciate..quite a different kettle of fish! 🙂
Charys
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

No, this is definitely not the time for you to be the strength for everyone else! I know it probably doesn't come easy, as it sounds like you are used to being the one who puts everyone else first, but now this is ALL ABOUT YOU.

Re: Strength with others

Thank you all x I remain positive I haven't really experienced negativity just find it difficult to be everyone else's strength I think from this point on I will need to try and be blunt and say that their dramatic reaction really isn't helpful x
Charys
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

Wow Sue, that is one special person and some really meaningful and perfect words. There are few who get it just right when they hear your 'bad news', we've every one of us got some horror stories about  people who get it so wrong that its very hurtful. We just need to learn from it ourselves I reckon, and make their negativity and bad responses turn our responses to others into better ones (if we are told bad news from others).

 

 

Anniej
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

Sue, you certainly do have a future . Yes, you do need support and tears aren't helpful. I am a very direct person and I'm afraid I was pretty straight with people. I knew if I got tears from friends I wouldn't cope, so I told them that. Those that didn't like it....well, am I boverred?? My real friends accepted what I said , gave hugs and asked how they could help. I was and still am, totally committed to getting through this, so I come first , second and last for however long it takes. Have a communication plan. I told our sons and very close friends, and hubby did acquaintances. It can be exhausting to wade through others emotions while dealing with your own - so my advice is....don't!

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

Yes some people get it just right thank goodness !!

Re: Strength with others

Thank you all for your replies I had one very special person say to me yesterday I have no idea what to do or say but do not want to avoid the subject she then just gave me a hug and said I love you x pretty fab response from a 27 year old who calls me her 2nd mom as I have know her since she was 8 xx
Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Strength with others

Telling people and their reactions is b**** exhausting .Reactions can be both disappointing and upsetting .Often people get upset because it's too close to home -if you can get cancer so could they and they are thinking about how it would affect them and their family .I found that very few people got the balance "just right " ,I mostly took refuge here with people who really understood when I wanted support .I have a handful of close friends who were great but not having been through it themselves there were times when they really got it wrong,but I have to say I would have struggled myself before diagnosis .I remember my next door neighbour telling me he had lung cancer over the garden fence and I said something completely ridiculous and avoided him for several weeks because I felt so awkward !!!

Re: Strength with others

Treeze it's sad that a long term friendship had to end but fab you had support x I really believe these people will be great and hopefully it's just the initial shock but I guess time will tell 😄

Re: Strength with others

I didn't have too much negativity, a couple of why you's but the worst was a childhood friend I kept in touch with now and then by phone and when she rang the first thing she said was "how did you get that?" like I'd carelessly picked up a tummy bug or something.She then questioned all my treatment plan saying how many people died through chemo and which natural treatments I should use before surgery.I know she meant well but it upset me so much.She then prayed for me over the phone and burst into tears saying she didn't want to lose me.After my op she questioned having rads and said the reason I survived the op was that her and her husband had prayed.Otherwise she knew something bad was going to happen.Needless to say I no longer keep in touch...

Re: Strength with others

I eork in a secondary school and told my team personally but in a group meeting so I only had to say it once this way Thursday the day after diagnosis there are 14 in our behaviour management team and only 4 women including me but I must say on Friday the men were fab just a hug and telling me to get on with it as they need me back asap as I am their work wife/mom depending on their age. I then sent an email to some people as I have worked with them in excess of 15 years and it was mostly them that came to me upset as they also know my children and husband however I do feel now they have seen me and my attitude about it I think they will be better x I have told everyone as I tell them please listen beyond the first sentence listen properly it's not bad news. Helena I love the mr blobby name seems so apt 😄

Re: Strength with others

Hi Sue,
Yes, it certainly does happen & it is not helpful when dealing with the feelings that go with diagnosis & it would be good if some others could get a grip, so to speak!
Unfortunately, those that have not dealt with it sometimes have out of date ideas on what it means & are not aware how treatable bc is & that outcomes are mostly excellent.
I think a lot of us have experienced unexpected reactions from others, either with them coming through or not & not always who you'd expect.
Anyway, at least we all understand here!
ann x

Re: Strength with others

Sue

 

Just had a thought, have you specific friends/work colleagues who could do this for you so that you dont have to tell them.  They can give them the news positively letting them know that you have a positive treatment plan in place?  Before I went off for my op, I asked my boss and another colleague that if anyone asked where I was would they please let them know exactly what was happening and that I would be back to work in about 6 weeks.

 

Helena

Re: Strength with others

Yeah, bl**dy annoying isn't it? Only one set of people cried, and phoned me almost every day for a week after I told them the news,  and in the end I told them their response was not helping me and to stop being upset, or at least not be crying on MY shoulder. This was particularly annoying as my cancer was early stage, very treatable, and I myself was very positive and just keen to get on with the surgery and rads, and not particularly anxious myself, but I kind of resented the fact that I had to keep rassuring these people that

 it was all going to be fine. I also said, only half joking, that if I ever needed another operation- even an ingrowing toenail - I wouldn't tell themI Everyone else was fine and as matter-of-fact as I was - I think they just took their cue from me and how I was dealing with it. 6 months on and i am indeed fine and just the Anastrozole daily. You may need to be a bit tough with those who are behaving like this with you, 'cos it really does not help you, as you say.All the best with your treatment -indeed there certainly is a future! xxxxxx

Re: Strength with others

Sue

 

I did experience that on a couple of occasions but to be honest most people were initially angry "why you" but that they are were sure that I could fight it.  I believe it is a natural reaction when you hear the word cancer it strike fear in the heart of us when we have not been through the experience.

 

When I told people I said that I had some good bad news, the bad news it was bc and the good news was it was treatable the the prognosis is good, that I had a treatment plan which was going to see it taken out of my body, I even named it Mr Blobby which they thought was funny and typically me.  They were reassured by my positivity.

 

I think as well that it makes them suddenly realise it could possibly happen to them especially when it is somebody close to them.

 

You will get that positivity on the whole but there will always be people who are not going to get past that initial shock unfortunately.

Strength with others

Every time I tell anyone my 'news' they break down and cry and I end up comforting them, does this happen when you share too? I don't need people to cry for me I need positivity as I feel being diagnosed is good it has ensured I have s future x