Oh Helen,
I *feel* your pain 100% I felt the same way watching my hair fall out. When I had to cut my hair it was like the biblical character Samson, I lost all my 'strength'. I think the thing for me was the sheer heartache of watching the shedding happen (even though at that stage I didnt' have bald patches) I was sick sick sick of picking up after myself such that I got the clippers out myself and gave myself a no.8. I look awful (in my own opinion) and I also feel like I have lost my identity (along with other losses as part of chemo). I know for me that I often wear beany/sleep hats (light material) and elasticated bandannas at home and depending on how brave I'm feeling I wear them outside (if not brave I wear my wig). I think having the hat/bandanna with a bit of hair poking out at the edges least helps show that you do have hair it's just you are wearing a hat today (sort of thing) so perhaps to the outside world (who really doesn't care) they won't think you have lost your hair.
I have cried myself so much - I look in the mirror feel like I look about 90 - grey, thinning and badly cut hair to boot (I only have myself to blame for the latter). I try not to look too much in the mirror - other than to check myself before I go out.
You cry as much as you need to - but don't beat yourself up about it. It's horrible horrible horrible. You can always say you're suffering from a scalp condition with temporary alopecia and your hair is suffering!! I was thinking of using that as an excuse if I needed to.
Try the hat/bandanna thing - I bought a couple of elasticated bandannas from 'anna bandanna's' website a couple of 'buff' scarfs too. I often wear a flowery sleep cap (soft and close fitting) with a cap/hat on top when I go out under the premise of the weather is a bit crap I don't want to use a brolly. 😉
I know there are other women who sort of like to be out there with the shaved head/funky scarves etc but I know it's not the same for many of us. You are not alone.
I hope this helps you a little.
Ali xx
