Millykins, people have written before about how tough it is being diagnosed or treated during Breast Cancer Awareness Month (I just wanted to relax with a magazine for goodnes sake and here is ****** BC again) but going back to work sounds just as bad. Still doing the "getting my head round it all" bit here, and retired some years ago, be patient with yourself, you will get there in time.
And Mrs C, no wonder you feel down, any one of these experiences could make you feel knocked sideways.
Hugs or cuppas all round, whatever you would prefer
Just wrote loads & lost it GRRRRRRRR
Try again. Just to say thanks so much for your comments - It's great to know I am both not alone & not a nutter (YET!)
I had a massive sob at work today & my boss is being fab & says I can just take things at my own pace with no pressure - it's ME that's putting the pressure on myself.
MrsC 123 - my god you really do need to be kind to yourself. such a hard year for you I am so so sorry.
Peachez thanks so much - I think probably I do need counselling just to gain some perspective back & stop the voice inside my head chattering - if I can get it out to someone unaffected by what I say I think it will help as I just don't want to upset anyone around me after all they have had to cope with so far.
Notts Gal - Yes I am going to Birmingham.
I am struggling also with the constant battering of cancer stuff around at the moment & feel I just can't get away from it & enbd up in tears every time I see anything related - I just wasn't like this over the summer before I returned to work which is why I know I have changed in how I am reacting to things.
need to ask for help I think but even that takes an effort & I'm just exhausted with it all. still I know in the end it's up to me - only I can deal with this.
Thanks so much everyone XXXXXXXXXXXXX jo XXXXXXXXXX
Well, it's coming up to one year since dx. Treatment behind me and should be completely recovered??????? Yes I certainly have some good days where I can feel optimistic about the future. Yes I certainly have down days where my body feels 94 and I don't recognise what's looking back at me from the mirror. I'm not the woman I was, will never be her again. I learned a few things though. My priorities had to change. My job is now just that, a job. I used to live to work, but now I work to live. I'm not sure if I was ready to go back really, but I had to at some time. Some days I get exhausted and weepy and hate not being in control of my feelings. I can only hope that time will heal and the shadow of BC will fade. Until then I will just do the best I can and that will have to be good enough. Lots of hugs to us all xxxx
Millykins, I feel like you. I'm back at work and trying my best but it feels like everything has changed. I feel down a lot of the time. I think it's partly delayed shock from everything that has happened. Whilst having the treatment there are so many physical effects to cope with, that maybe it's only now we have time for the mental effects. I'm seeing a psychologist at the hospital and keep going to see her because it's someoene I can offload on - I don't have to pretend things are OK and I don't have to worry that she is getting fed up of me. She also reinforces that I shouldn't push myself too hard at work.
Are you still going to the Birmingham younger women's forum?
Mrsc123, it seems extraordinary to me that so many people suffer the loss of a loved one (for me it was my Mum, April 2010) not long before they get BC. Your brothers left way too early, and both in the same year. Absolutely devastating.
You don’t say what you do for work, but if you’ve had cancer I thought they had to make reasonable adjustments, including letting you go part time if you get tired easily? You may still be feeling some side effects from the Radiotherapy too, which can go on for some months.
And it’s not just the medical stuff you have to get over; it’s all the mess in our heads that this cancer causes. Do you have to go back to work just yet? It sounds like you could do with a little more time to think through what would really help you. I have just started a phased entry to part time (was full) after a full year off. I decided I needed the time to cook properly, and exercise, and I wanted to have the energy at the end of the week to go out and socialise too. Maybe a call the helpline here could help you with your feelings, the MacMillan help lines are supposed to be very good where employment law is concerned too.
We all plod on, and we all cry, you are not alone.
I’m sending hugs and a box of virtual tissues, P xxx
Mrsc please please don't feel an idiot. How can it possibly be idiotic to feel down/depressed after you have lost 2 loved ones at such a young age, been through breast cancer and your husband is ill. Give yourself a break, hun, it would be more unusual not to feel down.
Millykins, I once read a really wise posting by someone (wish I could remember who or when) about how hard it is after treatment and that she found that a key word for her was "acceptance". Acceptance of the path her life had taken, acceptance of where she was at now etc but it is so hard to get to that point. It really resonated with me- we all hate what has happened to us, the effect on others, the waste of time and putting "life" on hold. We will never be happy about it or glad it happened but if we can get to a point where we can accept and move forward that is all we can all ask for, anything more is a bonus. Getting to that point is not immediate, I think we have to percolate everything for a while . I have not got to that point yet either.
I went back to work 3 weeks ago after mx +recon in July and now on Tamoxifen. The first week was fine at work, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally (had to fight back tears and run to the loos a couple of times - now that really feels idiotic :)). Also it has wiped me out more than I expected (it is quite physical and quite a lot of long distance driving). My biggest panic was when I was trying to hold myself together in the middle of a performance (in the performing arts) and after performance needed to talk to someone, anyone. However I haven't told anyone at work what has happened to me, helplines were closed and breast care nurses had gone home, husband at work- felt really isolated.
Does anyone have access to free counselling through their hospital? I know my hospital does and I am on waiting list even though I feel other people probably need it more than me. Also I have heard of these Maggies centres which sound good to drop in on. Ring up your Breast care nurses for advice and/or addresses of help centres. Nobody is being silly, stupid or daft. I thought I was absolutely fine but 3 months down the line it is sinking in and I feel different to 2 months ago. It is fluid, our feelings are fluid but they are all valid. Sorry about essay but you caught me in the middle of all this myself. xxx
hi sorry to hear you are feeling so down ,im feeling it also ,i know i should ask for help but i feel such an idiot ,i suffer from a bit of depression in the past but this is awfull, had a cancer lump removed from my breast june 1st then had 15 sessions of rads finished that 7 weeks ago and supposed to go back to work on thursday, hubby was 65 last week but doesnt want to retire but has told me i can retire if i want ,i should be so happy as i get worn out at work , but im not ,i cant sleep im so tired all the time ,im angry (my two brothers died last year) 58 and 52 ,im angry i couldnt help my little brother and make him better , then as soon as i buried him and sorted all his affairs out -i got breast cancer -- my husband has prostate cancer and i just feel like saying whos next ,ive put on 3 stone since my brother died and being ill myself and i just cant function ,whats wrong with me , i just want to cry , nothing seems to matter and im so tired ,but i just keep plodding on as i dont want anyone to know im a nutter ,sorry to be so negative ,silv x
millykins, I am just over a year since Dx and I too feel sad all the time. I thought I was the only one feeling like that! and hence I'm up in the small hours - once again...
I am worried as my OH who has been my rock, is showing signs of just being bored with it all and seems weary of supporting me. I've lost so much, I can't lose him too, so I am trying to bottle it up and pretend everything's fine.
It was going back to work this week that really sparked me off. It just highlighted how much has changed this past year, who was it said "the past is a foriegn country"? I resent it too, as both my ex and present husband have taken early retirement, and it's me who has to go back to work!!
I am looking about for some sort of therapy , like you I really don't want to go on medication, but consider the counselling the lesser of two evils, shame about the price. Thinking about it I think the Beacon Centre offer that sort of thing...
Feel free to PM me, I'm not on here often, but will check in over the weekend just in case, (I think we're linked on Fb too? I have the same avatar on there, if so you could message me there too).
So glad your Mamo was clear. P xxxx
Sorry you are having a hard time, its not fair is it, everything should be rosy now that treatment is over and you are back to normal life but things still suck.
I know there have been other threads on here about people in the same situation, and i would think there will be others along to help.
you say you have had depression before and dont want to go down that route. But your situation is different now, the feelings you are having are shared by many after treatment and there is special counselling tailored to that.
Why dont you ring the helpline and ask what is available in your area. In fact the helpline will chat to you about how feeling and may be able to help
I have been off here for a while settling down after treatment finished & having a break from "cancer world".
I had my 1st annual mammogram & check up last week & it was all clear. I returned to work 3 weeks ago. I am sure some of you lovely people will tell me this is all normal but why do I feel like crying all the time. I am exhausted despite sleeping & just feel sad. I know I should be happy as I am all clear at this stage & am getting referred for a reconstruction after mastectomy but I honestly feel like I don't really care about that. I want it done but am in no hurry. I feel so detatched from my work colleagues though I am good at pretending I am fine. I have the most wonderful husband who is so supportive & a gorgeous daughter who has just started school & is getting on well. Everything is going in the right direction so why do I still feel so bad. I am trying to excercise more & eat better to help myself but all I feel like doing is going back to bed & not getting up. Yes Yes - I know I am probably suffering from depression which I have had in the past but I just DON't want to go down that route of anti depressants & counselling just yet - I just want to be normal again> I just feel this disease had robbed me of what should have been some of the best years of my life enjoying my happy marriage & wonderful daughter & now that I am well again I am preventing myself from being able to carry on doing that & am making it worse. Sorry if this sounds like a self pitying rant but I just needed to get how I feel out somewhere - Thanks for listening
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX jo XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX