Hello
I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Breast Cancer at the end of last year and Im going through 6 cycles of chemo (FEC75) and have lost all my hair. Im a pretty confident person and am surrounded by friends who have been wonderful, helping me to adjust to the way I look and reminding me that im still he person I always was. It doesnt help that the bloating from the chemo and comfort eating from when im in the well phase of the cycle have meant that ive put weight on but i still work here and there, which provides me with a sense of being normal still, and im a sociable and optimistic sort of person. Im separated from my husband but we are good friends and have two sons who are really dealing with everything amazingly well and a brilliant older brother who has been there for me every step of the way.
Ive always had a fairly good relationship with my mum. She is usually a warm and considerate person and very community spirited. Shes a good friend to her friends and ive always respected her and loved her. I put off telling her I had breast cancer because i was diagnosed on 22nd Dec 2014 and it was her birthday Xmas day and on top of that her brother was dying of Parkinsons disease and dementia ( he died ion March 1st) and i didnt think it would be fair to burden her with any more bad news. So together, after her brother died, about 3weeks later, My brother and I met up with her to tell her and of course we were as optimistic and as positive about the whole thing as we could be to save her being upset. I had a small spread under my arm but didnt tell her because I didnt want to make it worse.
A week ago she came to visit me. I live in South Wales and she travelled down on the train from North Wales, which i appreciated because she is elderly. When she met me at the station I drove up in the car and parked beside her she got in the car and said
’ Oh my god … i didnt even recognise you in that cap. I thought you were a man’
Without even saying hello - without even thinking about how hurtful her comments were. I was wearing a baker boy cap. Its comfortable and looks nice ( i thought) and although I have two wigs i decided that I could just be more myself with my mum but how wrong I was.
I was hurt by her comments but didnt let on because I wanted us to have a nice time , but then later in the day she said
’ I dont like that cap youre wearing it makes you look like a man. It makes you look unfeminine. You must allow for women of my generation not to want to see the balding bits around your ears’
I changed my cap for her so she would feel better about it. but felt humiliated and ridiculed. I felt as if she had kicked me when I was down.
Later on that night when i was wearing the more accepatble ‘feminine’ beanie hat, I asked her if she wanted to see my head - just as it was - because actually this isnt about hats at all but about my hair loss and she said shuddered as if the thought was abhorrent to her and said’ No…No…WHY would I want to see that?’ Adding insult to the injury she had already caused
I tried to let it go but the next morning I was very still angry with her and she asked me ’ if i was alright’
I told her that it was insensitive of her to ask me to change my cap, to call me masculine and refuse to see my head as it is - I was amazed that she couldnt see how rude she had been. But then she started shouting at me and told me to not to be ‘bloody stupid’ that I was ‘over reacting’ and that I had taken it ‘all out of proportion’. So then I really lost my temper bigtime having kept it under control for so long. I ripped my hat off and made her look at my head and then I threw her out of my house and we havent spoken since.
Its clear to me that she cant cope with seeing me with no hair and that she wants me to look as much like the old me as possible to help her cope. She also said to me ’ youve got wigs havent you? Why dont you wear one of those’ Everything she said pointed at her inability to accept me as I am and im deeply hurt.
I cant forgive her and i wondered if anyone has had experience of family members reacting badly to the news? I feel that as my mum she should be the most understanding and protective person in my life but instead she was critical and unaccepting of me and I dont know how to move forward. She has of course tried to apologise but Ive just been through my 4th chemo and feel too unwell to address it all with her at the moment. I feel as if our relationship has been significantly damaged - as if she has really let me down.
How can someone who says she loves me so much say such insensitive and unkind things?
Thanks for your thoughts