Stupid things "non cancer" people say

[spookymoo]

Sorry ladies I have to add a comment on this thread. I hope no-one minds. Four weeks ago I had my mastectomy and immediate DIEP. Things didn't go smoothly, the flap kept failing due to my dodgy veins (legacy of chemo 6 months ago! ) and i ended up having an 8 hrs DIEP op,followed by x3 lots of emergency surgery and a vein grafted from my arm (thry used the arm which had all lymph nodes taken out in Feb). In the end I had +20 hours of surgery and I also crashed during surgery. Needless to say all a bit dodgy! Anyway, had to contend with relatives visiting me like the local "zoo exhibit " telling me how good I looked,now I was "cancer free", and that if it was good enough for Angelina Jolie - and she looks fabulous - it can't be that bad. And to top it all, I had to hear about a relative having a really bad trip to the dentist - oh she had to have an injection. Which was really painful. And she was really terrified. And there was a bit of blood. And she thought it would never stop bleeding. And it took ages to get the tooth out. And she thought she would faint it was so traumatic. I swear if I had had the energy and wasn't in so much pain I would have smacked her with a frying pan. But was in so much pain couldn't even get up to get away from her. Good job I only had a minor procedure then wasn't it!!!!!!

[HJU63]

I have noticed recently that many people want to tell me how to live my life: you must .... do yoga/pilates/swimming, ...eat dairy/no dairy/ no meat/ no sugar, ... take vitamins etc etc. When did my life become public property? One close and good friend suggested that this is a way for (scared) non cancer people to feel that they know how to avoid cancer by doing the above and so they are telling me to be like them because they dont have cancer. Its hard work smiling and biting my tongue in the face of such unwelcome advice - but losing my rag with them will not make anyone feel better. Off to a conference today where no-one know about my treatment - bliss, a cancer free day.

[Guest user]

i love this thread.... just what I needed today
My contribution....

i told a friend about my diagnosis and about having lots of scans etc booked. My friend has just had her gall bladder out....after many months of toing and froing, her response. ' seems you have to have cancer these days for the NHS to work fast'
i had to peel my hubby off the ceiling when i told him

[Katykookabura]

Me too, best laugh for ages! If I had a £1 for every time I have been told " but you look so well! ".
The most common one is because I had a primary, no spread to nodes, but two lots of surgery, radiotherapy and now Anastrole that makes me feel awful . " Well you were lucky then? ". Latest was someone I have not seen for awhile "You still,have your hair!" as if I should not have . Did not have a clue!
As some ladies have indicated, I reckon I could fill a swear box at the moment! . Katy.

[Philomena_b]

Well ladies your posts have really made me laugh today! People seriously do say the daftest things.
i have been known on occasions saying to some people that I have cancer and have not been hit with the stupid stick, but then usually for the first 7 days after chemo I do act like I have been hit by the said stupid stick.
They do say
laughter is the best medicine....and at times you really have to or you would cry xx

[marleypop]

Well I know have a collection of cards, very kind but why are they soooooooooo dam depressing............
Not sure if I really like them hanging about

[wintersocks]

Morwenna,
Yes! had all of them too. lol.
I think the be positive is the most annoying!
WS

[Guest user]

Lol, I love the idea of an awards ceremony. I now have a mental image of my well meaning family and friends collecting their awards. I bet we all have list of nominees we could put forward!

[Morwenna]

I hate people telling me:
How brave I am (should have seen me two days ago howling at my 21 yr old son who was totally flummoxed at my sobbing that I was scared I was going to die - this was set off by him going off with my car keys and making me miss my deep water workout, as far as he was aware!)

How good I look, (yeah right, I have no eyelashes, my brows are drawn on, my hair is a quarter inch of stubble, grey on top, white at the sides, bald at the temples. Oh yes, I only have one boob, and have put on ten pounds!)

So and so had it and sailed through, hardly missed a day of work. So and so had it and had a terrible time. So and so had it and is still alive and well 20 years later. So and so had it, and it all came back, and she died............. Frankly, they are not me, and I don't give a flying f@#k.

Two "friends" told me that if they got it they wouldn't put themselves through any of the terrible "disfigurements and treatments" I am having. Doctors lie when they say you need them, its all about money for doctors and drugs companies, and anyway far more people die from chemo than from cancer! Thanks for that!

I hate it when everybody (even complete strangers) think they should be giving me unsolicited instructions on what to eat, what to drink, what exercise to take, how to breathe (ffs, I am a physiotherapist and a singer, I DO KNOW about diaphragmatic breathing!!)

Another "friend" told me, when I remarked that it occasionally jarred to catch site of my bald head in the mirror cos it screamed cancer patient, that to her it screamed "Survivor!" ...... I told her to try wearing it! She told me that she was only trying to be positive for me, and up til then she'd thought I had such a good attitude! Snort.

I hate hate hate it when people tell me to stay strong, stay positive. I want to kick them right where it hurts.

God, I am Mrs Angry today! Better take some of those deep breaths, and go and do some yoga, see a counsellor, drink a green smoothie, drink 2 litres of water, take a walk, lift some weights, do some stretches, hug my husband ...... Oh wait, the last one might just work! 😉

[Guest user]

Wow Polly, that truly is the worst one I've heard! Maybe we should get these people together in some kind of award ceremony?
Actually I think we could put this all in a book to sell to raise money for BCC! It could classless 'what not to say when someone tells you they have breast cancer'. 🙂

[Guest user]

I've had quite a few "well meaning" comments that I've laughed off but this mornings enclounter with one of the mums at my daughters nursery left me speechless.
I've had 2 wle's but no clear margins followed by chemo which finished last week. She stopped me to congratulate me on finishing chemo (very nice of her) and asked if that was it all done now. I told her that I'm having a double mastectomy in a few weeks with immediate diep reconstruction. She stopped me there to tell me she had her breasts uplifted as they were saggy after breastfeeding and it was agony. It was so painfull for her to lift her arms that she struggled to dry her hair. She then looked at my wooly hat and said "well, at least you won't have that problem".
Jaw dropping moment.

[Guest user]

My personal favourite of the moment is 'you look soooo well!!' when I feel ****** awful.
Feel like Mrs Angry and want to bite off their heads. A sort of Ally Mcbeal moment!

[millymolly_m]

Had a good one last night. A well meaning friend phoned to enquire of my health. She asked how far on I was (4/6 FEC-TAX) she replied, wow! Only 2 more to go - doesn't time fly by? If only she knew how long and painful the last 4 months have been, never mind the time since DX in October!
Bless, they mean well!
xx

[Melrose15]

This thread makes me feel sane as I too am fed up with people telling me about their friend's cousins mum who had 'it' X years ago and is fine now! Also how people texting to ask if they 'can visit?' Like I'm some exhibit! You have never even shared a coffee with me before, why do you want to visit me in my home?!
Sadly my Dad has prostrate cancer, which can't be cured but can be treated and contained. He said, when I told him I was going for my mx and anc results, 'Why do you need to know what they found? You''ll have treatment anyway and at least you'll be cured after that' Really?!
Xx

[Carolina33]

*tact

[Carolina33]

I know I shouldn't laugh, I think I'm hysterical please no one take offence. The post about people telling you about other ladies and go in to great detail and then say they died. I mean why?!! I'm laughing at the sheer lack of text of it all . x

[Guest user]

I don't have much contact with my eldest brother, none of the family do, so when I was dx in february I contacted my brothers eldest son and asked him to let me brother know. I didn't hear anything from him, which really peeved my eldest sister off. Anyway after finding out that the cancer was in some of my lymph nodes and I had to have them all removed, my eldest sister rang mr brother to make sure he know what was going on. Conversation went like this:-
sis - hello x this is y
bro - who
sis - y your sister
bro - oh hello
sis - wanted to make sure you know about our Louise having BC
bro - yes my son told me but she is ok
sis - x she has BC
bro - well she must be ok cos she was in Whitby the other weekend, I saw the photos on fb and she looks fine
sis - x she has had a mx and the results have shown it is in some of her lymph nodes, so she has to have them all removed and then await the results to see if it has spread further, she will be starting chemo in June and then radiotherapy after followed by 3 to 5 years of tablets.
bro - oh it is serious then, maybe I should ring her
sis - yes I think you should
That was 2 weeks since and I have still not heard from him!!!! I have decided that I don't want any contact with him now as obviously having BC is not serious in his narrow, numb and thick mind. Rant over xx

[Guest user]

Hi Ladies,
This made me chuckle to. My boss came and sat with me just after my diagnosis and told me about his father going through chemo; I said, "oh, but he's okay now is he" and he replied, "no he died". He went on to tell me about another colleague from another department who also had breast cancer, "she's lost all her hair and is finding chemo really hard" he told me. I wanted to tell him to "F*** off", I did not need to be having this conversation knowing that my chemo started the following week.
I realise people are at a loss as what they can do to help and whilst I am so grateful for all the wonderful support I have received, I do think that alot of people see you up and dressed and trying to do 'normal' things and think you are making a meal of the chemo! I hope they never find out for themselves.

[Pammyx]

The best one i heard was someone telling an acquaintance she had breast cancer the person replied saying that she knew how she felt as her cat had just had pancreatic cancer!
i too have had people telling me about people they have known who have had cancer and how well they fought it but finally died, luckily I have a number of friends who have had breast cancer several years ago and they tend to put everything in perspective and are very supportive.
i find the statistic that 600,000 women either have or have had breast cancer in this country, quite comforting the majority of which are getting on with their lives.
The latest one said to me by a friend on the eve of my first chemotherapy is that chemotherapy hits your weakest points a friend of hers had a history of varicose veins the chemotherapy hit the veins and she ended up in a wheelchair. Just what you want to hear on the eve of your treatment! I am sure it is all well intended but you do wonder where they are coming from.

[HJU63]

I have also noticed the phenomena where people insist on telling you about someone they knew who had cancer and after a lot of detail they tell you the person died! Its as if they start to tell the story without thinking about the end and the effect it will have on you. Personally, I am not inspired by stories of people dying, no, not comforting at all.

[MarthasSOS]

Haha - This thread is amazing.

I have had a lot of similar responses to a lot of people on here. I'm getting fed up with people calling me and asking how I feel "how the bloody hell do they think I feel, I've got breast cancer" lol. I know they mean well and it does make me chuckle.

I'm just at the start of my journey (WLE tomorrow) and I'm soooo looking forward to it. No doubt I'll have the wonkey boob comments coming next.

I think the best one I've had is my SIL called me last night to wish me luck and she was telling me that she told a mutual friend about my dx and apparently she has gone into complete turmoil saying things like "OMG she's only a couple of years older than me, poor Martha....Oh no....What if I get it, I've got 2 young kids, what will I do" - It's not f***ing contageous you nutter, get a grip 😉

I'd love to hear about more stories.

[Guest user]

Love this thread.
Here's a few I've had (bear in mind I was only diagnosed about 6 weeks ago):
Oh, breast cancer- they know how to treat that nowadays
My friend had breast cancer and hardly took any time off work at all!
Can they put implants in both sides when they do your op, so that you get bigger boobs?
I've heard that the surgery is no worse than having your appendix out
it's great that you will probably only be having surgery and radiotherapy and hormone therapy
It will all be ok, I know it, I can feel it.
The news you get from here on in will only be positive.
....
I understand that most of these are motivated by people trying to make me feel better. But everything that minimises the horror of the whole process just makes me feel like I am making a big fuss about nothing (which I know I am not).
If I can add some of the best responses, to keep things balanced, they have been:
'We love you and we are coming down to see you at the weekend'.
'What can I do to help you' (even if there is nothing, I think this is the best response most people can give).
And my personal favourite:
'F*** off breast cancer'.

[Guest user]

This thread has made me chuckle, due to all the "lovely" comments people have said to you all.
a guy a dated asked How I was feeling 7 days after my mx, I said sore and tired, his reply you will get there! and another of his comments was at least you don't look poorly! I don't talk to him much now!!
a lot of people have said I am brave and dealing with it wonderfully but you have to deal with it, so you can beat it. It is true that no one knows how you feel unless the have BC.

[Guest user]

I had a rare type of cancer and an oncologist (not my usual one) helpfully told me that his sister-in-law had died of this particular type!

[Morwenna]

I had one friend, who asked why did I decide to have all the treatment: two surgeries, chemo, rads to come .... She then went on to tell me she would never do that. She preferred to die!

When I asked why she started going on about a friend who had head/neck cancer and had multiple horrible disfiguring surgeries then chemo and rads and died a horrible death!

When I recounted this conversation to another friend, and I told her I had said "it was that or die, basically". This second friend responded, " well that's what the doctors tell you!", and then went on to tell me that her father had refused chemo for his prostate cancer or something, and was fine! And also "more people die from chemo than they ever would from cancer!!"

Thanks ladies! That really made me feel good!

Then another friend peers at me and says accusingly: I thought you said you were going to lose your lashes and eyebrows!
I felt like saying to her this week: you'll be happy to know that my brows and lashes are falling out quite quickly now I'm on weekly Taxol!! 😉

[Jan_mints]

Hi all, just had the reults of tests today and I went to tell my parents the full results. As i was talking my mobile phone rang, (you need to know at this point, that I usually keep my moby tucked in bra strap as I never have pockets and lose it if I dont) My mother shouts "see, see, I told you, she keeps her phone in her bra and that is what has caused her breast cancer!"

So, I need to notify the medical fraternity that my elderly mother has discovered the cure for breast cancer and tell everyone not to put mobile phones in bra straps. Now, I know lots of men who keep phones in their pants pockets so have we stumbled on a cure for testicular cancer at the same time.

Jan

[angiepops]

so true...
my FIL rings me up every day same question during chemo 'has your hair fell out yet?' he's 80. then ' ok bye'

[HJU63]

I have recently returned to work after treatment for primary BC. I was introduced to a new manager who had joined the company in my absence - her behaviour was fascinating. She couldn't look me in the eye and fidgeted all the time we were talking. She said she understood I had experienced some "personal difficulties" over the last year - why is it that people cannot say the word cancer. I don't know about anyone else but I don't fall to pieces if anyone says the word to me. I am amazed at the general discomfort around cancer, even the word - something I was blissfully unaware of prior to my diagnosis.
Helen

[Lakeslover]

Had to vent here after today.

i was at a management conference where we had an external "motivational" speaker. Mid way through his talk he pointed to one of 4 ladies on the screen and said "now this lady is a tragic case, she had breast cancer 18 months ago with a mastectomy and reconstruction". What!!! How does facing an illness and having treatment for it make her tragic? I was fuming, and just wait until I complete the feedback form. Incidentally he went on to call another lady who had severe post natal depression tragic as well.

[Guest user]

Haha I forgot, I've also had somebody tell me that I could get run over by a buss tomorrow - don't think it was family this time although my OH does spring to mind for some reason, think they were trying to say try to to worry, hav'nt bothered pointing out that i have a far greater chance of the squatter coming back...

Family and friends say the oddest things!

M

[Guest user]

Just found this thread and thought I'd give you the best ones that I've come across so far;

OH when I found the lump before diagnosis : maybe your weight training caused the lump, will you ask them about it? had to laugh (lump was 5.5 cm)

Brother 5 days after mastectomy and complete lymph node removal:' I know how you feel, I've had really bad IBS for 2 days!' Really!? Did have to bite my tongue on that one, although he did get the message and called me back two days later sounding much more sympathetic lol

Last but deff not least, while I was having chemo I spent a few days not doing much, just watching T.V due to engery levels. After five days I phoned my mum who said 'I was worried, thought you were dying!' She had'nt phoned or come round to see me though! Still can't believe that one.
I also wish I could have had a pound for every time somebody said 'your looking well'. I always felt like say thanks but I feel like sh*t!

Take care everyone 🙂
M

[drdspg]

My all time most irritating comment that people make if you are worrying about not surviving or relapsing is "well , I could get run over by a bus tomorrow". I also had leukaemia as a teenager and heard this comment very frequently, my respose was to resort to algebra to try and explain- " we both have a risk of being run over by a bus- that is "x", I also have a risk "y" of dying of leuakaemia , it is "y" that I am worrying about"!.
Also- dont worry your hair will grow back!
Again, in my teens when I met the "wig lady" , I was worried what would happen if I had a bald and slippy head and I was wearing a wig on a windy day. She just said in brusque and acid tones "well you will just have to be carefull wont you"! At least some things have changed. The support I have had around hair loss and finding a very realistic wig has been fantastic.
Sometimes the best thing to say is a hug.

[Nextstep]

Just came across this thread and been having a giggle. What I would say though is try to look at the thoughts behind the comments as some of these people clearly mean well and I prefer "you look great" to "you look a bit of a mess"! Would I know even now what to say to anyone else?
Two more to add from my family:
OH (in hopsital following mastectomy after telling him I had melon for breakfast) "If you eat any more melon you will look like a melon" - hardly!
MIL - I had been sent a large flat box through interflora containing chocolates and I said I had wondered what kind of flowers could be in that kind of box, maybe a dried flower picture. Her response - "maybe a wreath?"
I just laugh.....

[Guest user]

Hi,
I know exactly how you all feel here's my rant!

I'm sick of hearing "oh you've been so strong your an inspiration" or "Now its all over you'll be back to normal soon" and "I can't believe you have recovered so fast"

I'm strong because I feel I have to be because most people around me make me feel that way, they ask how I am but don't really want to hear me say I'm terrified it's going to come back and can't sleep and most of the time I'm in pain, not an hour goes by when I dont think about it...

It's not over, sure yes thanks to my MX and Node removal I have no cancer detected at the moment, now I get to spend many years worrying that it will come back or show in the other breast.

I haven't recovered, I was forced to come back to work before I was ready because my company who incendentally are a Health care company who provide services to the NHS wouldn't pay me for more than 4 week maximum at full pay and that's only because I went to the top and asked!

Rant over!
x

[jiggyjoo]

Hi Summer Storm,
My username is also my horse - Jigsaw. We call him Jiggy and my nickname for him is Jiggyjoo. As you can guess he is a coloured cob! He is my soul mate and we have been through so much together. He really helped me get through diagnosis and treatment. Still cheers me up now when I have the 'down' days! What a lovely friend you have to give you Storm as a Christmas present. He looks gorgeous by the way!
x

[Guest user]

Thanks Tracy. Unfortunately this person is my late husband's best friend, who supported us well through his cancer treatment, so I couldn't really tell him what I really felt! Yes that is my horse's name - he was a Christmas present from my best friend in 2008 - I had been looking after him for a year while she was concentrating on the love of her life, who she later married, and she came to realise that Storm was the love of my life and gave him to me with all his equipment. I had previously loaned and shared horses but never had one of my own so it was like all my birthdays and christmases rolled into one. x
PS the chap rides so a friend of mine suggested I tell him to start worrying about how his riding might be affecting his 'man bits'!!!!
PPS I did the same as you about the name but just mailed the moderator and asked for the name to be changed and it was done straight away which was great

[Lucy_BCC]

Hi Tracy

We can change your username for you as Jane has said, just send an alternative to moderator@breastcancercare.org.uk and we will sort it out, you could always confirm your choice of Little Owl here and we can do it that way too

Best wishes

Lucy

[Alto]

Hi tracyld/Little Owl,

I think if you message the mods they can change your user name for you. I know someone who did that, but it was quite a while ago before all the more recent forum design shenanigans so I'm not sure if it's still possible. Worth asking though!

Jane xxx

[tracyld]

What a stupid thing to say !! Gosh no wonder we get mad! I guess it is because they really do not know what to say to us , but why would anyone think that you could get Cancer fom Horse Riding? What about tennis, badminton , squash and any other sport we can think of. Hasnt he heard of sports bras? What a wally. Sorry if this friend means a lot to you but I find it really frustrating the silly things people say. Maybe if he plays too much Golf he will get the dreaded disease.
I love your name by the way. Is that the anme of your Horse? I was unsure of names when I first joined so used used my first name and too second initials like my sign on for work, but really I would like to be Little Owl, as that is what all my friends at work call me. Anyway you know I am Little Owl now who is going to fly off to bed and catch herself a big fat sleep fairy.
Much love to you all and big hugs from Little Owl xxx

[Guest user]

I have my own horse and a male friend asked if my cancer could have been caused by too much horse riding! Professional horse riders beware!!

[Lilac51]

I've only recently returned full time to work, still not much hair and I think it's obvious I've had chemo. I was sitting having my lunchtime sandwich in the kitchen area, along with a few people from my team and other teams. My colleague, well known for her outspoken-ness and love of cats, was leafing through an Avon catalogue. Then, in her customary strident voice, she said "Of course, I won't order anything. They support those breast cancer charities and those charities always experiment on animals." No-one made any comment and I just felt embarassed. I wonder, though, if she was unfortunate enough to ever need chemo what her response would be then.

[Guest user]

I had a Get well soon card from my other half's aunt which arrived after my surgery, but before I had my full results saying "sorry you've had such a horrible start to the year, but things can only get better from here".

Hmmm, nice sentiments, but really, no, things could get a lot worse from here.

[JCJ]

"A condition that prevents him from being able to imagine how other peole feel about stuff" isn't that being a man?? Sorry to all you caring males out there, I am sure you exist, but I've not met many!!

My OH had the gall to say, last night, that people shouldn't cry as it upsets him. I pointed out that crying helps make them feel better, but he said he knew that, but they should do it on their own so it didn't upset anyone else (ie him!). He then went on to say that he'd "had a hard time with both of you this year" (his brother has MS - but seems to have been miraculously cured, so I'm wondering if it was actually ME? - or maybe he's in remission?)

Well I'm sorry MY BC and HIS debilitating condition is giving YOU a hard time!! He's still alive thanks to my impressive self control - I merely went upstairs and sobbed and swore angrily to myself and had a good rant in Benchland - thanks BREAST friends for your support)

[VerityC]

WOW! I wonder if your personnel department knows what a liability they have in him!! How amazingly insensitive and stupid!! Did he see that you were upset?

[Cressida]

OMG - he actually sent you the stuff intended to scare people into buying insurance??? He needs help. He must have some sort of condition that prevents him from being able to imagine how other people may feel about stuff. Please try to ignore him, xxx

[Guest user]

The morning I was getting my results of my biopsy , after an agonising week of waiting ,my boss kindly sent an email to me with all the statistics about cancer, how many people die , how many are diagnosed etc & included breast cancer . I'm a mortgage adviser & sell insurance including critical illness policies & these stats were sent to discuss with clients to encourage people to take them out but I thought how insensitive can you get , the timing was horrendous !! I just stared at it & burst into tears !

[chicita]

Hi Lozza,
Yeh I know what you mean. My Mum just can't bring herself to say the C word. She won't discuss my cancer at all but goes to great lengths to tell me about everyone else she knows whose daughter/friend had BC in graphic detail. From DX to surgery she texted me first thing EVERY morning asking how I was coping so if I'd had a good night and managed to forget about it for a bit she'd remind me EVERY bloody day! Then as soon as I had surgery she thinks I'm cured and doesn't text any more. So I've stopped telling her stuff and now her imagination is running overtime as I'm starting chemo. She asked me the other day how I'd got on in "the tent" ??? Seems she's got this picture of me sat in a tent being blasted by the chemo.... I think she's been watching The Hulk again LOL. She seemed a bit let down when I told her it was only an IV drip.
As for friends, the supposedly "good" friends have disappeared like s**t off a shovel whereas a couple of casual acqaintences have been wonderful, asking if I need anything and going out of their way to be there if I need them without being in my face, if you know what I mean.
Bye for now, take care
X Yvonne

[Lozzarooney1]

Hello lovelies!
Am back - been up and down like a flipping yoyo! Thank you for your messages of support - mwahs to you all! xxx
I have another one... my mother rang at the weekend (not spoken since Xmas day)... conversation went EXACTLY like this...
Mum: Hello - thought I'd better ring
Me: Hello mum
Mum: Are you all better now?
Me: Well I've just had my surgery and...
Mum (interrupts): Have you heard fom the family? (The 'family' being her brother and sisters - my uncle and aunts!)
I handed the phone to OH.
It took me a couple of days to realise that...
I am lucky! Yes I have bc BUT I have a wonderful caring OH, children and many friends (have lost some along the way... am calling it natural wastage! They were never really friends ... cos friends (and family) are there when it counts).
I just need to remember it when she rings again - she's never gonna be there for me... sad but true and I have to move on.
And then there's you ladies - more than friends... an extended family... looking out for each other (and for me!). Bless you all and thank you. Lozza xxx

[Guest user]

Millymolly and Lozza thinking about you and sending lots of hugs (Millymolly see benchland)AnnG

[millymolly_m]

Thank you Tracy. I was feeling very low (see benchland rant). Reading your message made me realise that here I can rant with people who really understand even though I've never met them.
Bless you all.
Hope your day went quickly and well Lozza. I've got a sleeep fairy tied up by the camp fire for each of us!
M x