Stupid things "non cancer" people say

[fecinora]

Yeah, WTF, there's no answer to that one

Just click on the smiley above your text, when the box opens click on the icon you want, it appears as text in your script but appears as an icon when message is posted

Try it xx

[Guest user]

Hi Fecinora

I can forgive a lot for home made jam!

I got old by one friend "it's not like you still sunbathe topless is it" ... WTF. I maybe did that for 15 days a year but had boobs for 365 days.

I do now cringe over every inane remark I've made over the years though.

Excuse the dim question but he do I add emoticons in posts?

Angela xx

[fecinora]

Ha ha Angela, looks like a case of 'jam tomorrow' (sorry, couldnt stop myself)

A friend called this morning, and glancing at my top, said 'oh, you've still got your cleavage'.

She doesnt know WLE was at '4 o'clock', or that I'm waiting on BRCA result, but she is a good friend so I'll forgive her

Another pal, youngish male, very nervously told me how sorry he was to hear my news. He'd obviously been working up to what to say, so I thanked him and told him how much it meant him saying that 

BCC, we need some more emotion thingies please 

[Guest user]

Hi all

Went to deliver some fruit from our garden to a friend today. I used the plum picking as physio for the morning. I've had a couple of black days so thought doing something and getting out would help . She had been concerned about visiting as she had a cough, looked a bit bleak when she opened the door and responded to my (fake) jolly greeting with "is it ok to say that you don't look as bad as I expected?"

No it's not!!!

Will not drop her as am in for a load of home made jam in return 🙂

Angela

[fecinora]

A friend I havnt seen for ages  said  'OMG, I just found out (about my dx), Oh I'm so depressed, I'm still in shock', etc etc, so I said, 'Oh I'm fine, I've known since March, I've got used to it now' (Sarasm is one of my stronger points).

Later, my OH told me she said she would come and visit me, and he told her, 'I wouldnt do that, she's just tell you to f*** off'

Actually, I think you're right Topsymo, and most people have gernuine  concern,albeit in a cack handed manner, so if they are totally off the mark I just change the conversation, and if I think it will change anything, I put them right, but ususlly if asked how things are I just say 'up and down with spells of total crap'

[NAZ]

Wow Wendy.. i can't believe your 'friend' said that to you!

As Poems said, why don't you do a swap - she how she likes having BC? Definitely one 'friendship' you can well do without!

Sorry to hear about your clot..That is just rubbish isn't it...really hoping the medics can sort you out?

Take care

NAZ XXXX

[poemsgalore]

Hi Wendy,

So sorry you now have blood clots thanks to Tamoxifen. How many gifts can this awful disease give us??? And what a 'friend' I think I'd have said: "Ok, next time I'll have flu and you can have breast cancer" just to see what the response would be. Does she know why you've dropped her? 

poemsgalore xx

[wendyf12]

So glad I found this thread today, been feeling sorry for myself as I've just developed blood clots from taking tamoxifen (even though I told the Hosp I shouldn't have it, as I'd already had a clot following chemo), but this has put a smile on my face.

I think one of my faves was a "friend" who I hadn't seen in a while.  After I told her I'd had BC DX, her response was.....well that's nothing, I've had the flu!  I mean WTF!!  Needless to say I let that friendship drop!

W

[cazza36]

My friend's dad said to me: You look great - when are you going to stop sponging off the rest of us and get back to work?

I HOPE he was joking. Im not sure he was.

I had not long finished radiotherapy and was living on painkillers due to pain caused by chemotherapy, radiotherapy. tamoxifen and menopause  (thank you chemo). Looking after my 7 year old was exhausting me.  I had no energy and just muttered about having fatigue and needing some preventative surgery. 

[Guest user]

Well said Topseymo.    I personally have been so touched by acquaintances and their kindness when they have found out by chance.  The not so nice comments from my 'nearest and dearest' have actually given me an inner strength to get back to my old self - so they've actually been beneficial too.  

[topsymo]

I know these forums are an opportunity for us to have a moan- which we certainly all need- but reading the comments here is quite a depressing business. It seems that whatever is said will offend/ upset some one whether it is someone trying to say something encouraging , whether it is a pessimistic remark, whether someone has trivialised our ' suffering" , if someone says we look well, if someone says we look poorly .............really they are on a hiding to nothing if they speak at all. There are actually worse things in the world than having breast cancer- think about it...............

Maybe some of the people who say the 'wrong' things have troubles and problems of their own that we know nothing of- or they have gone through all kinds of traumas in the past. Sometimes I just think we should lighten up a bit and not take ourselves so seriously.
My own bête noir is being mistaken for a man because my hair has never re- grown properly; sometimes I feel really sorry for myself when this happens and want to find a suitable put- down for the person concerned...............but then I realise that they are often more embarrassed or upset than I am - and that very few people are deliberately unkind, they really aren't

[grumpy]

I've just had a dozey friend responding to my little saga about the fight I had to get reduction on irradiated breast (to even up Droopy and Parky) by saying 'Well MY boobs have always been lop-sided'. The reply that shuts 'em up is 'Yes that's how you were born, I'm like this cos I had to permit someone to mutilate my body to keep me alive'. Works every time.....

We are all different in how we react to our changed bodies, and what we want to do about it AND THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE.

Just reminds me why I decided to keep the whole BC scenario private except for one or two close friends.

grumpy

[moorcow]

Hey Lulu, its such a huge issue this being phoned at home thing - by unwanted callers - I am writing to MP about it cos its so hard to deal with when you are waiting for other news or dealing with other news. All the ebst for your continuing tests, treatments etc,

N

[Lulu34]

I had recently posted on facebook about recovering from my bronchoscopy which was to identify if my lung mets were hormone pos or not and a stupid person posted saying "i know how you feel iv got bronchitis and flu!" Oh really!

Also had a some very very annoying ppi type calls recently one on the day i was called to inform me of the likely mets... Two mins later the phone rang and thought it was maybe the hosp but was stupid PPI girl...

She was asking if i was the home owner... All i could say was iv got cancer again... And she shouted ARE YOU THE HOME OWNER! And i was like IV GOT CANCER ... She shouted back "if you dont answer me ill keep on phoning you!"........ WTF!!!!!!

Needless to say i hung up and do so every time they phone.

[Curleychris]

I agree people can be so stupid and won't let you feel what you feel or express justified fears. A friend of mine died last week and I said something vaguely about my own mortality and was told not to say it ? How can I express what I am feeling when only positive feelings are allowed.

[Guest user]

Don't let the ******** get you down. While I was awaiting results and deciding whether to do the lumpectomy or mastectomy close friend recommend that I just cut off both breasts. She said the were just lumps of fat and since I wasn't married what difference did it make!

[Faraway]

After chemo, bilateral mastectomy, recon and rads my colleague has just said to me 'she doesn't know what all the fuss is about I look fine' if only they knew. Off to bed now for a cry 😞

[Biddlybee]

One of my neighbours was asked how I was getting on after my vasectomy..... 🙂

[Dogmad84]

I have just been reading the comments on this thread, and thought I would add mine.

When I was going through chemo eighteen months ago, my daughter had a friend call around.

  She reported after her friend had left, that the friend was shocked at how 'normal' I looked.  When my daughter questioned what she meant, her friend replied that she had expected me to be skeletal, and in a wheelchair!!Charming!

[poemsgalore]

Words fail me!!! It makes me so angry to read some of the comments some of you have had to put up with. Normally, I wouldn't wish breast cancer on my worst enemy - but there are some people.........grrrr

Poemsgalore xx

[ToniL]

Oh God I wish I'd read this thread months ago! I have smiled sweetly at all those people who have told me how brave I am and how well I look, then gone home and sworn like a navvy. There's also the bloke at work who routinely says "cheer up love, it might never happen". Sometimes I want to scream back at him with a full history of my dx and treatment. Can I add the other ones that have got me riled since my dx 18 months ago?

From a colleague "At least you didn't have to have major surgery". So what's a MX and lymph node clearance then?
From my BIL when I said I was considering reconstruction. "what on earth do you want to do that for? It's not as though you need them"

But the all time winner for me was from a now ex- friend " Well, you're fat and over forty so it's no surprise that you got BC".

Toni.

[Guest user]

i have also just joined the forum and reading this is like someone has read my mind and put my feelings into words.i feel exactly the same! xx

[Guest user]

Wonderful! Talking of  MIL mine was absolutely furious when we told her i had bc.  Apparently i had 'got it on purpose so the family would ask me how i was instead of asking about her'. Every time i saw her for months afterwards all i got spat at me was 'you look well, it's obviously not a serious cancer'. Now 7 years later she suggested she should come and live with us as she is frail and needs looking after. She was moved into a care home 2 weeks ago!!

[cath4512]

What a great thread.....definately book material here.
I was diagnosed 10th June & am awaiting MX & SNB on 1st July. I have had lots of comments that I caould do without....
I have been promoised I will be OK.
I will be fine as I am strong & can deal with anything life throws at me.
I am fit & healthy so will be able to fight it
I am getting a free boob job....REALLY ????
It will be nice to have a few weeks off in the summer.
I cannot beleive how ignorant some people are. Some of the things they say just amaze me.
I have had lots of lovely things said too, lots of help offered & people being very concerned, which I suppose balances it out in some way.
I have had a chuckle this morning at this thread though 🙂

[doodlecat]

Just prior to diagnosis last September I reached my 'goal' (four stone lost) weight after three years of weighing and tracking food on an online weight loss programme. My cousin who knows this said to me yesterday when I told her I had cancer "do you think that's how you lost all that weight?" Em no! It is, however, how I've managed to put half a stone back on via hormone treatment.

[Lynberi]

Couldn't decide which post to reply too as they are all so true! I had a Single MX 3 years ago and then Chemo and Rads and then an elected MX in October. Now have Lymphoedema and am on Leterazole. According to everyone I look"marvellous!" and am now"fine" now I'm "over it"!! hmmm

[LynnieM]

I joined the forum today, I've been having a bad couple of days, this all happened so suddenly and I feel like i've just bounced along the top of my emotions. Its all sinking in a bit now and I'm soooo relating to some of the comments on this thread. Most people seem to feel 'well you've had the surgery so you're ok now so why don't you just pull yourself together and let's get back to the old you...' The old me will never be the same, I'm not ok yet, I'm tired I'm sore I have a flattened tennis ball where I used to have a breast and I am on drugs for the next five years! I willl be back, not quite the same hopefully stroger but it will take more than the 2 months I'm being given!. I'm also getting a bit stressed by comments like 'well it could have been worse' when i complain about being sore and tired... yes, it could have been worse, I could be dead, but is that really supposed to make me feel better cos all it actually makes me feel is guilty for 'going on' about how I feel.
I know my friends mean well and they're trying to support me but sometimes they just don't get it and I don't want to hurt them by telling them they're not getting it!
Thanks for everyone sharing their experiences, its good to share xx

[Guest user]

just saw ths thread and I have had most if not nearly all of the comments made to me!!
How fantastic I look! well they should Look a lot close!,
i remember passing the hospital before i started my rads and saying to my hsband I hate going to that place ! He said oh well next time you go there it won't be for anything serious, how insensitive ! Men!! HeHe
norms x

[sarahlousie]

The one that really annoys the hell outta me is "you look so well" to which I now reply yeah I looked well before the cancer dx, I think people assume that you look like a hollocaust survivor if you've been through cancer treatment some people do look ill but the majority look normal apart from the fact that they've lost their hair to chemo. Currently stable and living with lung mets when I tell people about the lung mets they can't take it and walk off, even my best friend has become alienated. I've stopped telling people now because of that reaction. xxx

[Helm]

I Just found this thread - not sure whether to laugh or cry at some of the stories!

I think many of them highlight however just how little the non-cancer general public know about cancer, about how variable it is between people in terms of stages, treatment, experience, recovery etc. I admit I was before I was diagnosed. And I'm still learning more as time goes on. I don't know if it's because there is a fear of looking at it, so it doesn't get discussed much on TV, in the media etc., even though there are lots of adverts on for cancer support. It would be nice if there was a better understanding of it so that people don't react in some of the ways they do, and employers are more understanding etc.
Just my two pence worth:)

[Philomena_b]

I was discussing the ghost train that will be going from Holt to Sheringham for Halloween with my daughters and granddaughter. My eldest wants to go as morticia, and my granddaughter Wednesday. I said I think I will just go as a witch! To which my 12 year old daughter stated I would be a really good Uncle Fester............gutted ha ha

[Amber_D]

Apparently I have a nice head........
Answered the door wearing a scarf and the person on the other side said, oh so your treatments finished then, not!
Common one - you're so brave I don't think I could do what you're doing - like I have a choice

[loveisthedrug]

Husband especially insensitive while driving me home from work tonight, I have my radiotherapy pre planning appointment tomorrow and I said to him that I am not looking forward to it and he said don't worry about it and stop getting yourself stressed about it,well of course I am not going to worry about it and of course I am not going to get stessed about it !!!!!!!!! and if he thinks that then he does not really know me. I am a worrier anyway and I really do not want to do this but there really is no option I did not even reply to him I just thought he is getting tired of me always speaking about side effects of chemo and always speaking about cancer but it damn well takes over your life and is hardly ever out of my thoughts so I really did not need him to say these things. Oh to have normality back in our lives and to be able to do things without worrying if you are going to be too tired or it clashes with a treatment appointment. I would go and have a drink but I can not taste anything at the moment.

[Morwenna]

Yeah, I'm lucky in that sense too!! 😜

My friend told me that it was a "sexy" cancer to have. I think she was referring to the way that its been very much in the public eye, (film and pop stars get it!), and so awareness is high, and also that there's a lot of money going into BC research, and all the advances yada-yada-ya .....

[Melrose15]

Apparently I'm very lucky as of all the cancers I could get, BC is very treatable!

[poemsgalore]

Morwenna, you look even more gorgeous than ever. I always think of something clever to say about 3 days later!!
Spooky, even my sister thinks I'm 'brave' and is very proud of me!! What is there to be proud of? Having a bald sister with only one boob? I think she thinks it makes me feel better - it doesn't!!
Gordok, your story just proves what we already knew. That the media will twist any story to make it 'newsworthy' As if the original concept wasn't newsworthy enough!!
I'd better stop, my blood is beginning to boil.

[Morwenna]

Why Thankyou Spooky 🙂

I had been to a makeover session, and I was practising drawing on my eyebrows and was rather pleased with myself that day! 😄

[spookymoo]

Oh I have enjoyed reading all your posts. It has given me a lift and a giggle today. I have to agree that I have had a lot of the comments "Oh you do look well" and "You so suit short hair" (Yeah right, good job you are not Pinocchio!). And have also had the "friends" who have mysteriously disappeared, because "my cancer is too stressful for them to deal with " - and I have a choice in dealing with it??! And don't get me started on the "You are so brave". I am not brave. I am terrified most of the time. Terrified I might not live to see my children grow up. Terrified that it will come back. Terrified that it has spread. Terrified of more treatment. I am not brave. I just have to get on with it. You can't really run away from it. you have to just square yourself up (like standing up to a bully), and get on with it (even though your knees are trembling and your heart is racing!)
And for all those who say its to do with lifestyle - this article published today makes interesting reading - its about finding cancer in Neandetheral reamins from 120,000 years ago! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-22780717
And then there are the peeps who say" Well you are all done now. The cancer is all gone isn't it? It's never coming back." Well how do you know ? Do you know more than my consultant? Because even he can't promise me that.
Right rant over. Onto do normal stuff like cook tea!
By the way, Morwenna, I am loving your new pic.

[Morwenna]

Gordok, re your tv story. (Aren't people thoughtless)

I was taking part in a drumming circle at our local support centre, and the tv were doing a piece on the lady that ran it. So they had the film crew there for a session. We were forewarned, and given the opportunity to say if we didn't want to appear on camera, and although I was feeling really shitty that day (turns out I had a dvt/pe at the time), I didn't want to be a killjoy, but kept my head down and tried not to look at the camera.

I was amazed at how many people said "I saw you on TV!", after the piece was aired some weeks later. I imagine I did look quite unwell, plus I think I was the only one on active treatment, so no hair (wore a little cap). I never saw the piece, but I wonder how much time they DID dwell on me, looking like the stereotypical cancer patient! 😉

[Morwenna]

Oh Poems! I would love to have been there!

What did you say? "Yes, yes it has! Isn't it marvellous?!!!" *ROFL*

Priceless!!!

[poemsgalore]

I can relate to most of the posts above. I also get sick of everyone telling me how well I look. Daftest comment I've had was from my dippy neighbour. I had mx on left side and she is used to seeing me walking about lob sided (I don't wear my bra and prosthesis at home often). One day I went outside wearing my bra with the prosthesis in and pointed to my left boob. "Oh" she said "has it grown back?" !!!

[Guest user]

Hi,

great thread, I hate when people tell you a story about someone and then say " oh that's them that died of breast cancer" very insensitive, also when you see people who haven't seen you for a while and they put on that face and ask you " how are you" but with that look that your going to die shortly.... But to date the worst one was a photographer froM the daily mail who was doing a story on my wait for radiotherapy, and asked me for a photograph of when I looked unwell, the story wasn't about how I looked it was about the government lying about waiting times..

[grumpy]

Hi Ladies

When people tell me to 'eat properly/do yoga/ avoid red meat etc etc' I just smile sweetly and say I will tell my oncologist next time I see him, as I don't think that theory was covered in his extensive and expensive specialist training for dealing with breast cancer.
Generally shuts them up.
And when they say I'm lucky it was ONLY breast cancer, I reply 'No I'm NOT lucky but I am extremely fortunate that medical science has moved on so much in the last 50 years, and developed such a wide range of effective treatments which I've been able to have for free due to the NHS' then I suggest making a donation to a cancer research charity.
grumpy

[Dzyre]

I guess at the moment I'm on a guilt trip .
I got told that seeing as I'm the only one in the family that has had BC and that I am the only one in the family that drinks lots of diet coke its my fault and I should stay off the coke. Then my brother in law said to me yesterday to be careful what I say to my sis (not his wife) cos she is saying. " Well Sandra has that but she is now well and I (she ) is never going to get better." I am so mad with her.
Ok rant over sorry but needed to get it out

[Mosiecat]

I just love this thread. It helps keep me sane. I think a book would be wonderful.
My latest jaw-dropping moment - I've been looking after a friend's house while they were in Tenerife. She returned yesterday and came over for her key, looking very bronzed. Brought me a large bar of chocolate. "Are you ok to eat chocolate???"!!!. Then she proceeded to tell me how it had been so hot she'd had terrible sunburn, almost sunstroke, face red and swollen (she should try my streoids!), had to keep out of the sun....She asked how I'd been - but of course told me I was looking really well. Felt a bit peeved since she's had a holiday and I've had chemo so asked her if she wanted to see how I looked without the wig. When I took it off she said, "the first thing I notice is your ears stick out" B*tch!
Keep smiling xxx

[Guest user]

Sometimes it's the things people don't say....like the friend (who lives miles away) who hasn't phoned once to ask after me....
As some of you have already said 'Oh you look really well' is an annoying comment - maybe beacause I am off work just now and have had to slow down my hectic pace of life I probably look less stressed than I normally do.....
In a meeting discussing my return to work, a comment from my HR lady when I told her I would need on-going follow up appointments with the onc, with the surgeon and for mammograms etc she demanded to know when the appointments would be and how they would impact on my job (I'm a teacher, so they hate you missing lessons.....)

[Buffy3]

Just returned to work after 11 months off. I have lost count of the wow you look well/amazing comments. Oh your hair is really curly, really suits you etc etc...its like a cracked record. Funniest comment so far...I work in a primary school...was from two boys (who said the same comment independently...have you had a nice holiday! Had to smile but am not sure if they even realised i had been away for 11 months!!!

[Guest user]

That does sound pretty bad spookmoo, good job you didn't have that frying pan to hand! Some times you really have to bite your tongue, as for Angelina Jolie I disagree with people saying she's brave for doing the sensible thing and swapping them out for something that won't try and kill her! Think my partner soon found out how I felt after he said 'oh have you heard about...' With this stuff you just do what you have to do to survive, I don't think brave is the right word, for Angelina brave would have been not having surgery when she had been told she was high risk for getting bc. My neighbours several times had to tell my how well their friend was doing after having bc a couple of years ago - 'you would never know, in great shape!' So i should be happy - their friend is well so that means I will survive as well! I can stop thinking about weither I should cancel my pension fund now!
I admire your determination to go through with all that surgery, mine went smoothly - no recon as yet, but I'm not sure i want to go through the hassle and pain bt I don't have to decide till next feb. I hope you have an easier time of it now, hopefully the worst is behind you.
On a lighter note...
I had my brother 5 days after surgery telling me how bad his IBS was and that he knew how I felt, and my Mother asking if it was key hole surgery! Because as we all know a mastectomy & ANC only leaves a tiny scar, can hardly tell - as long as I don't look in the mirror (think I've stopped trying to scratch the phantom boob!)

i just hope these people giving such great support / advice never have to go through this themselves, thanks to the keyhole surgery I only think about everything that's happened in the last year and about my future a half dozen times a day, you have to laugh but sometimes I do worry about the general ignorance surrounding bc (I was one of these, but now I know too much!)

sorry think I started ranting, better not get started on the chemo curl that really suits me, as did being bald...

ok could rant a while longer, instead I'll get some sleep. Hope everyone is as well as possible! Just don't fogret to keep smiling at the daft things in life, we just have to take each day as it comes and look (sometimes really hard) for the possitive stuff even if it is just a nice sunset.

sleep well xx

[Witchypoo]

It's a year ago today since I was diagnosed and like everyone else on here I'm sick and tired of people telling me how well I look and how brave I've been - how it's just a 'year out of my life' and then everything will be back to normal. But things will never be the same again for me, even though my treatment's all but over (save for a few more Herceptins), because once you've been diagnosed with this horrendous disease, it'll be lurking in the back of my mind forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm happier than I ever thought I would be, but 'it's' still hovering and nothing will ever take that away - for me or my family