Stupid things "non cancer" people say

[Guest user]

Hi Andrea,

I know how you feel because I got a letter from GP surgery inviting me to have a bone scan through a private company - had one in April as part of my treatment becauseI am on Letrozole. Also expecting an appointment for routine mammogram in the next few months. There should be a system to screen us out.

Take care all, Liz.

[Guest user]

Hi all, what about this for insensitivity and lack of communication.
Diagnosed with bc in february,just finished five months of chemo with still lots more treatment to come,, and what should drop on the door mat yesterday.............
An invitation to go for my first routine mammogram, as requested by my GP. Could have saved them the postage!!!!
Regards Andrea xx

[Guest user]

Haha, those replies are brilliant!
And don't you get annoyed when people complain about little health things to YOU? I know life goes on and people have to talk about their health of course, and about their hair, how dry it looks, etc. But I can't avoid getting a bit annoyed inside when they complain to me as if it's a big deal. Hope this stops annoying me once I'm done with the treatment. I guess this has all made me a bit bitter...

[Zeppa]

Wonderful, must write them down. Thanks to grumpy and Ali H (did I miss Val?)

[katytc]

Thank you Val and grumpy, you have made me giggle tonight!!xx

[Ali_H]

A lovely friend suggested I say "I'd like to agree with you but there's no point us both being wrong".... 😉

[applestreet]

Hi
love the NEDDY thing...scottish lass that's a mouthful but fantastic all the same.....

[GIJaneH]

Scottishlass - That's brilliant! Love it!

[grumpy]

The other good reply to the EXPERTS out there, given with an 'interested' facial expression is -
Thank you so much for that, I'll tell my oncologist cos I don't think he was taught that at Medical School.
I usually get an embarrassed pause after that one .....
grumpy

[scottishlass]

I learnt this off by heart when we were at school....and that was a long time ago.....I have used it when iIam particularly annoyed by a stupid comment about cancer.....it goes like this...
"Far be it for me to quibble over trifle indelicasies..... but if you should insinuate that I shoud tolerate such insolence from a mere reprobate whose mental capacity is not yet fully developed..... I can assure you that you are highly disillusioned"
Leaves them speechless if you learn it off by heart. Worth trying it out for those really infuriating statements people think they can just say to you.

[grumpy]

Ladies - a good reply to the it's-all-gone-you're-cured-now comment is ----
I'm NEDDY, No Evidence of the Damned Disease as Yet. Usually makes them think.
And of course we ladies need to educate the rest of the world about cancer, so let's make sure we put them straight - gently of course!!!
grumpy

[Guest user]

I've had a number of these and not minded too much as I'm not sure 'Id know how to react or what to day either and the positive has outweighed the negative, but my best has to be my work colleague who tried to tell me about her breast augmentation surgery and then said of course its not like what you've had....erhh no its not.... I have entirely lost both breasts and I have cancer which threatens my future and affects every day of my life and I've just been diagnosed and and trying to come to terms with it you my dear wanted bigger tits! Sorry but just saying!!!

[Guest user]

I read all these ..... My mum bless her tries her best..... As soon as I told her I had to have biopsy cos I had suspicious cluster of microcalcifications. Her first words were ... Oh don't worry they are common your aunt had those ....Indeed she did... That's my aunt with breast cancer......

[jellytot83]

I had "i'm so sorry, you're far too young (I'm 29) to get BC"

Well clearly not too young as I have it......

[Guest user]

oh and the best one
' you so brave dont know how you keep going'

[Guest user]

Best ones I have had after secondary dx this year ....
' oh thought you were cured what did you do to get it back? ''
'well never mind you beat it once just do it again'
mmmmm lol

[Guest user]

meant to add, does anyone else find themselves telling random people about their diagnosis?. I am terrible for doing this. I want the whole world to know I am living their worst nightmare for some bizarre reason. Take the other day for example. I was in GAP and the assistant said a M size was more than enough for me. She had on a M size as it happened but then went on to say she was larger busted than me and she thought it still looked ok onher. Cue me- I've only got one boob ... bc diagnoses... no hair.. hav a wig on etc etc Poor woman. this mad bint blurting out her living nightmare.

on the other side, listen to this. As we know, chemo confines us to our bed. So all summer I've basically been listend to kids in the street playing and listening to lawnmowers etc etc. The house directly accross from my bedroom window sold recently. An older single lady moved in. I watched her come and go with interest. Envious that she had reached 60+, that she could play golf and watch her grandchildren who would come round play. Anyway, when I felt better I ventured out and she happned to be in her garden. I introduced myself, got chatting and explained why I had a cap on. Turns out she finished treatment for BC last year, ( with a sledgehammer of a diganosis). She was so lovely, caring and most of all knew exactly the nightmare i was living.

Another example, only yesterday. I bumped into the gardener who cuts the communal grass in our estate. I've been watching him , again from my room window throughtout the summer. Cutting, weeding, edging surmising he has a great carefree life. Nice bloke. Chatting away ended up saying I had been really ill. He said he'd seen me out and about with my cap and went on to say his wife had been diagnosed with grade 3 lymph node +ve BC 11 years ago. She is doing really well. When she was diagnosed their girl was the same age as my son. They have just watched their daughter go to secondary school. x

[Guest user]

Hi folks. Glad I statred this- got a few laughs.

I agree about friends.I have been surprised at people I didn't really have much time for befrore I was diagnosed have actually stepped up to the plate whereas other so called friends haven't- in fact these " friends" text me with their good news eg having a baby ( when they know fine well I can't have another longed for child 'cos of treatment) , new job, or S*ite work problems ( which are entirely within their control) when I am basically fighting for my life and my whole world as I knew it disintegrated in an instant at only aged 37 with a 2yr old.
I just came in there to a card from an old client contact from work who only jsut heard my news even although I was diagnosed in Jan) The card was lovely and thoughful. more than some friends have done. I think some people think I am becoming a cancer bore- it is all I seem to talk about but you know, until those "friends" with the glazed look on their faces get a cancer diagnosis and understand how it profoundly affects you to the core then I don't care less. You really fnd out who your true friends are and indeed who new friends are.

[Guest user]

Omg Sam, I got goosebumps reading your message! Unbelievable... *hugs* I'm so glad you're a year after treatment. Hope you're a bit better.

And Lou, I can't speak as I don't know her, but she sounds very toxic to me. You're better off without her!

xxx

[SamLee]

Have just come across this thread, not sure how I missed it before. I am a year since finishing treatment now, and so far, so good. Got to share a couple of corkers from family members though. You won't believe them.
My dad lives in Yorkshire (I live in London) and a few months ago when I was saying bye to him following a week-end visit, turned to me and said in all seriousness "well, don't you be catching cancer again this year, as last year when you were having treatment it was very stressful for me and I am not sure I could cope again". And my mother-in-law came out with a classic when I was diagnosed to my husband, "well never mind, if she dies you won't have trouble finding another wife, there are a lot of desperate women out there these days".
You see, family - don't you just love em..........
Sam

[Guest user]

Hi Carmy

Your're so right. It is a relief. She was very needy, Always having trouble with relationships, work etc. She's told other people that I have no empathy!!!!!!
It's a cliche but it's true. You do find out who your friends are.

xxx

[Guest user]

Lou, I have also lost an old friend due to this. But don't you somehow feel refreshed and not like mourning for that relationship? I feel that I got to know the true importance of each relationship. I talked to this friend when I was diagnosed, he came to my pre-surgery dinner and I never got to hear from him for about 2 months. Then it was with a causal "Hey, sorry, I've been busy, have been meaning to get in touch... so how's thing??" Huh?? I missed him immensely for the first month and I couldn't believe he wasn't there for me. Now I know who is in another league from the friends and family who have been there eeeevery tiny step of the way. No grudges to those who weren't, but at least now we know! If we don't get support from them at this grave time of our lives, then all that "friends forever" things is just a feel-good slogan, but not rooted in anything, isn't it? And absolutely, the people who have been kind to our OH are to be loved forever too.
Many hugs for everybody.
Carmy xxx

[Guest user]

I'm 18 months on from surgeries for DCIS with microinvasion dx and am forunate that my treatment is over apart from regular mammograms and tatooing.
Mostly peole have been very supportive but I have lost one of my oldest friends because quite frankly she can't cope with all the attention I've recieved. It would be so much easier if people would just say 'sorry to hear your diagnosis or 'is there anything I can do to help? (as in run you to your hospital appointments, bake scones, listen rather than tell you their cancer stories) I have neighbours and even family who can't resist mentioning other people who've had 'a breast off.' Horrible term and like it's supposed to make me feel better. I also get fed up with people staring at my chest when asking me how I am. I read somehwere - I think it was on a US site - about one bc survivor who wore a badge on her jumper which said 'In case you're wondering this is the one that tried to kill me.'
Extreme but it worked for her!!! On the positive side, there are people who have been promoted from acquaintances to friends since my dx because they've been so kind and helpful - not just to me but to my OH. Partners tend to get left out which is really unfair as they're often suffering too by proxy.
I'm appalled that some of you have endured unsympathetic comments from work colleagues/bosses. It is so not a competition and I agree thast no-one is qualified to comment until they've been through this first hand.
Love and best wishes to you all.

Lou
xx

[Guest user]

Don't apologise rachy, I've loved your post! I'm not that far down the line, but I see it all exactly the same way as you do. *group hug*

[rachy7]

These comments say alot about other people. They just can't cope with the word cancer and its effects. It is about their fears not ours. Over the last four years (my cancer has not raised its ugly head again so far) I have lived with the comments, the looks, the attitudes' It may be four years ago, the side effects still linger on both physically and mentally so i think everyone is sick of me and want me to move on and get over it and 'you are cured so eveything is ok now isn't it ? I am not speaking for everyone as experiences vary from person to person but for me I just ask for some patience, understanding and empathy from others. I may be withdrawn because I am to hot from the flushes or frustrated as my memory is still poor or tired as my ability to cope with long work hours is limited. However, I try every day to function well and to work hard despite these problems. To get up every morning I go to work is my achievement. It seems so little to others without cancer. All of our achievements large or small are to be celebrated. many of us cannot work with or after our cancer but there other things in our lives which deserve celebrating. I am still here and that is something which i am grateful for. Sorry flower, i am waffling but I just wanted to say these things as someone who is further down the line. I know this is a bit heavy for this thread and I apologise !
R xxxxx

[al.hem@blueyonder.co.uk]

Hi Flower,we either live in the same street with the same well meaning but infuriating neighbour or there is one of these on the corner of every street. I think this shows just how scared they are of facing reality. Keep smiling x

[hobo]

Good on you Millykins01!! i am going to be putting something in writing to my boss very soon that will give a indepth look into how i feel and what my new views are on life as i want to go from full time to two days a week. They wont understand at all as they think that once my radio ends in oct il be returning full time in november!! I work long hard physical shifts and i mentally and physically am not upto it anymore, we are never cured from cancer and not only that i want to be in the bes possible position to hopefully fulfill my IVF in 5 years time after i come off tamoxifen (if im that lucky).
Im sorry to hear about your news and heres me slating others when i myself am rubbish at saying the right thing, but i just hope you are strong throughout, you sound like your a strong lady xx

[millykins01]

My boss - who I have to say is generally VERY supportive, when I got symptoms of a cough & breathlessness & was openly saying I was very worried it was my cancer spread (it was!) said "Oh I'm not worried - you often get chest infections I'm sure it's just that" - I just think they can't handle it & sometimes feel sorry for them then pull myself up & think - WTF - I have cancer.
I talk openly about what I am going through - if they choose to stay my freinds then I assume they are OK with that - if not then they are not my friends - luckily nearly all are sticking with me even now they know it is incurable - I sent a personal memo to my whole service that let them know that so I wouldn't then have to put up with anyone silly saying - Oh so once the chemo is over you'll be better! - If they are too thick to realise the situation then I'll soon put them straight!

[hobo]

oh moorcow i get that all the time!! and if one person asks if im ok and i reply today i seem ok then that person tells everyone im over the worst and im on the up!! they just dont understand that everyday is different, feels a releif to know its not just me being a moaner haha x

[Guest user]

Moorcow, the "so you are OK now" is so annoying! I replied a grumpy "no, I'm not OK. I'm just a bit better" the other day to a sort of friend. It's so good to come in here and see we all understand each other, phew!

[moorcow]

Love this thread - you sounds so sensible hobo , good on you. My favourite ( which is frequent ) is " so you are OK now" ..not with a question mark at the end please note ..
thats like saying "hope you had a good holiday" rather than "how was your holiday" ..which annoys me
I sometimes don;t reply, I sometimes say well I seem OK today but who knows, anything can happen, you get used to living with uncertainty when you live with cancer and I cannot give you the certainty you clearly seek..
hurumph...
N

[hobo]

Hello Ladies,

I have just stumbled across this thread and had to chuckle as i have had some very similar experiences. Just to explain whats happened briefly I am 33yrs old, I was 2 weeks away from having IVF when was diagnosed, I have had a mastectomy, 3xFEC 3XTAX (last one on thursday hurraah) and radiotherapy to follow plus 5 years of tamoxifen. 11 of 17 lymphs affected. Anyway, the comments I get really frustrate me. Similar to Michelle04 It annoys me when people say by xmas you will be back to normal and all recovered...I will be on tamoxifen for 5 years and also will never be 'normal' as this will stay with us forever. the check ups and the worrying isnt going to go away. I get asked if I am having a party after my radiotherapy! What for...to celebrate having cancer! I would never jinx myself like that, I dont even like using the sentence 'its my final chemo on thursday'. Work are always telling me about a lady at my work who has worked throughout her chemo which really annoys and upsets me, i physically couldnt as have really suffered with the high dose of chemo and even if i sailed through chemo i wouldnt work. Like redterrier said it does feel like a cancer competition which is just wrong. When I was first diagnosed i was forced to listen to peoples stories of people they knew who had got cancer and did i want to meet these people, no thanks as every cancer is different anyway i have had my rant and it felt good! thanks ladies and i wish us all the best xxx

[Guest user]

Morning ladies
I concur with all you have posted. I have a work colleague with a daughter who has had to have chemo following I think a lumpectomy (not absolutely sure). Meanwhile I've had a bilateral mx followed two weeks later with further surgery to clear my lymph nodes on the left side (had three different stages of cancer across both breasts and the lymph nodes). I also have developed a frozen shoulder which is causing havoc!
My colleague when I visited the office was quite aggressive towards me saying that her daughter was back at work and driving even though she was having chemo! Well bully for her I say. Cancer is NOT a competition even though some people seem to think it is!
Don't you just wish people would keep their thoughts to themselves? Whatever happened to the internal monologue?
Nicola xx

[cherub]

Yep, I used to just smile and think that too. Sometimes the little song from South Park, The Movie used to pop into my head - the rude one that goes "Shut the **** up you stupid ******" and I'd smile whilst it was playing because they had no idea. Never mind, you learn to switch your brain off when you are with people like that.

I also had an aunt tell me that her neighbour's daughter was told she had breast cancer, but that she was far sicker than me because she'd had a mastectomy. Aunty is a lifelong hypochondriac, same with her daughter, so if you don't get something amputated you don't have much wrong. Neither her or her daughter came near me the entire time I was ill, maybe they thought they'd catch it?

[Guest user]

Afternoon all ,

I have secondaries as well and people keep asking Has it all gone after your chemo ???? I just smile and think go back to your own world and leave me in mine .
I have lost count the times people have said funny things to me. Just smile and think what a muppet you are

Mine will never go , it has just gone to sleep for a while given me a few more years hopefully . Given me quality time with the people I love and care about .

Have a great afternoon on this dull bank holiday
Love Rosie xxx

[cherub]

When I was first diagnosed 6 years ago my sister said "just think, only a year to go and you'll be all cured". I've had a strained relationship ever since.

I also had a lady who plays in my OHs 10 pin bowling league tell me all about her sister having to come back here from living abroad to be treated, 15 years previously. She then went on to tell me it was my cousin who was the Consultant treating her sister and "she died you know". Like it was my fault because my cousin was her doc eh?

You've gotta laugh sometimes.

[lizcat]

Was out the other day with my OH and we saw someone we hadn't seen in ages and ages. Usual questions for each other re family, how are you etc, etc. OH said he'd had mini-strokes and I had terminal cancer (have secondaries). Lady says, 'Oh dear, I am sorry. Have you got the all clear now?' I realise people won't know the terminology that goes with this disease or any other for that matter but I did think terminal was fairly obvious!!!

[Guest user]

My FIL used to annoy me when first diagnosed telling me about all the people he knew who'd died but had been so positive up to the end. Then he would also say I'd be fine. Well guess what, I now have secondaries, so how much did he know then?

[Guest user]

Hi I have just joined the site as all this is in early stages. I have had op the cancer has been removed and none in the nodes. So why do theses so called friends keep saying "Sorry to hear your bad news" I think I have had great news, but just because I have to have chemo its like the end of the world. I am actually really happy with my news. I have one good friend who sent me a congratulation card. WONDERFUL

[Guest user]

OMG.... some people are so insensitive sometimes & so uneducated why don't they just think before opening there mouths!!
I honestly get fed up of people saying oh you wil be fine I'm sure come December it will all be over with when ur treatment is done, but my treatment wont be done because i have to take tamoxifen for 5 yrs ...... I know they mean well but its so irritating,

[myfanwy18]

Hi all, just to say (bearing in mind I've got secondaries and am going through chemo which appears to be working at present), I've got a friend who keeps saying to me I should ask the ONC how long I've got left, even her husband went on about it last night. I find it upsetting really, why is she so interested in knowing 'how long I've got left'. Nobody knows that for certain.

[barbara_7]

hi i have just been dx so have all that to come but will let you know if i get any good advice !

[TotallyConfuse]

What about the ones that want to know all about what you have, when you found out, how big it is, what treatement you are having and when the treatement starts and when you start your treatment and need someone to talk to where are they?

[DJ007]

Hi - Flower

Better get used to it! - the only thing more annoying is the so called 'friends' who want to tell about all the people they know with cancer who have died!

You'll find more corkers here!

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/comment/2047096#comment-2047096

Take care
Dx

[Guest user]

A revelation this weekend. Mr x who lives in the corner house in my street, who is non medically qualified, assures me I am going to be "ok". He assures me I won't get a recurrance or metastais. In fact, according to him, I am going to be "just fine". Oh well, that's great to know I thought. Not even cancer specialists can tell me that. He tells me that all i have to do is keep a positive mental attitude. So, there you go folks. That's all you need to be cured. forget any any tamoxifen or chemo.- just "stay positive!"

Oh please just get lost back to your own little cancer free bubble. Please don't say such belittling and crass comments until you have walked a day in the shoes of someone with a cancer diagnosis.