Suddenly weepy...... Not coping today

[Cs66]

Hi Tina, can't offer any words of wisdom, but all I can say is I know EXACTLY how you feel because I feel the same.
At least you are one third through the dreaded chemo. Next time you will be halfwAy!
Take care and I hope things improve for you.
Hugs Claire xxxxxx

[takeadeepbreath]

Kate make sure you don't end up with a 21year old counsellor sent on a crash cognitive behavioural therapy course with no experience of life. Try your local cancer charity for counselling, I had hypnotherapy where I relaxed and chatted about my feelings with someone who deals with cancer patients. It did help, but the best thing is meeting other sufferers. I met a woman by chance at work who shook my hand and said snap when I told her why I'd been off work. She said she's still screwed up 3 years after treatment as it"cabbages" your brain. It was such a relief speaking to her as she understood. It's the difference between tasting pecan pie and reading about what it tastes like. We've all tasted pecan pie for real.

[Magical_Moon]

Hello Tandy,

I'm an over thinker and have a tendency to dwell on things also.  I live on my own with no family or close friends for support so it is easy for me to get into a tangle with my fears and emotions.  I really needed something to help me cope with the anxiety and stress of dealing with BC on my own, during and once I had finished treatment at the hospital.

I find "Mindfulness" extremely helpful and with practice I have been able to control my fear and anxieties from getting too intense.  Sometimes it is more difficult to do but overall it is has been very beneficial.  In a nutshell, it is adapting your mind to live in the present moment, not dwell on the past or look into things that may or may not happen in the future.

CBT counselling is offered through the NHS but "Mindfulness" counselling is too.

Big hug,

M x

[Magical_Moon]

Hello Kate,

Sorry you are going through a difficult time at the moment.  Who invented "The Brave Face"?  They need to be banished to the naughty step.

Have you heard of the Maggie Centres?  There may be a centre near to where you live.  If so, perhaps you could try them for some independent support.

Here is the link:

https://www.maggiescentres.org/how-maggies-can-help/

A new centre has been opened about six miles from where I live and I'm thinking of dropping in for a chat.

Take care of yourself,

M x

[Magical_Moon]

Hello ladies,
Many of your feelings and thoughts have resonated with me. I have been struggling over Christmas and reflecting on my life after breast cancer. I'm definitely not the same person since being diagnosed two years ago.
I wanted to share an article by Peter Harvey that helped me after my treatment ended. I kept the reference on my iPad and re-read it over Christmas when I was feeling down. It is well worth a read because it endorses much of how we feel about this awful disease and how it has affected us.
Apologies if you have already seen it.
There is a short version and a much longer version with sections you can dip into.

Short version
http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/After%20the%20Treatment%20-%20Peter%20Harvey.pdf?openElement

Long version
http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/Peter%20Harvey%20-%20After%20the%20Treatment%20Finishes%20then%2...

Big hugs to everyone, M x

[takeadeepbreath]

Kate make sure you don't end up with a 21year old counsellor sent on a crash cognitive behavioural therapy course with no experience of life. Try your local cancer charity for counselling, I had hypnotherapy where I relaxed and chatted about my feelings with someone who deals with cancer patients. It did help, but the best thing is meeting other sufferers. I met a woman by chance at work who shook my hand and said snap when I told her why I'd been off work. She said she's still screwed up 3 years after treatment as it"cabbages" your brain. It was such a relief speaking to her as she understood. It's the difference between tasting pecan pie and reading about what it tastes like. We've all tasted pecan pie for real.

[KateB]

I went to bed last night feeling both terrible and sort of relieved. Terrible because of how much this **bleep**ty disease affects our lives both during and after treatment, and relieved in a way when I hear that other people feel the same way. I haven't had counselling yet (appt is 20th Jan) and in some ways I'm dreading it as I too think I might spend the whole session crying. I'm hoping the counsellor will be used to that though! It will force me to talk about my feelings, fears etc to someone not close to me who won't judge me (I hope) on how cancer has affected me and my decisions. My problem has been that I didn't want to burden those close to me any more and didn't want to appear weak to others. We keep being told to stay strong but I certainly couldn't do that all the time. I put on a brave face and tell people I'm ok when inside I'm a wreck. I think we should be told it's ok to NOT cope at any point in this "journey", from right at the beginning to any point in our futures, and maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty when I have a bad day. Part of my problem I think is the guilt because I recovered quite well physically from the op and treatment, went back to work and tried to forget it had ever happened. This seemed to be working for a few months until I had the tamoxifen side effects causing 10 months of anxiety thinking I'd got cancer again. Even though the dr has said it was pre cancerous cells until I have the results following my hysterectomy I can't rest. The fear of it coming back will be with me forever which scares me. Hope the counselling will help me deal with that too. My heart goes out to you all and just want to give everyone comfort and hugs to make us feel better even if for only a short moment.

[takeadeepbreath]

Sorry I meant Tandy not tuna!

[takeadeepbreath]

Tuna you're not weak, cut yourself some slack. The lymphodoema nurse I saw this week says it takes at least a year to get over it mentally. It's traumatic and the psychological strain is hidden. I want to scream too, in fact I've had tamoxifen rages where I felt murderous. I feel angry that this happened to me, bloody furious in fact but who do I complain to,? There is no outlet.

You're going through hell so be kind to yourself. Losing your hair is a trauma in itself without the possibility of losing your life. The treatment leaves you worse off..I've got lymphodoema, chills, sweats and exhaustion but that's normal. I would love to wipe the smile off the face of my doctor by putting him through this sh@t. 

[Tandy 4]

Hi everyone, I started this post back in October. I'm agreeing with you all on bottling it all up, living two lives, in a parallel world. I still think I'm talking about someone else when people ask!? Put on a brave face/smile, tell people I'm taking it a step at a time, got to be done, by end of this year treatment done! Blah blah blah! But it's not true is it? The worry is there all the time!

People ('friends') in the start of all my crap were texting, sent cards flowers post OPS, now months on only a wonderful few have constantly been there for me. I'm not wanting the flowers etc all be it nice, I just want them to realise just because I've had the operations this **bleep**e is NOT over by a long way for me yet. That mountain top still feels so far away!?  Also have had added stress and upset of not being able to work (though looking the state I do it's probably for the best!) I'm trying not to even think about sick pay running out!!!? Another stress. 

My husband is great, but he doesn't know how many times I've silently sobbed myself to sleep or silently screamed and cried in the bath/shower. He's a military man so very strong emotionally, has the attitude of, find the problem, get a solution/plan of action and get on with it, assess and take next step. Which is good, keeping me strong..... But sometimes just sometimes I just want to scream! I know crying about things isn't going to help and makes stress higher........ Cried tonight when he face timed, asked what's up? Told him about my hair and he said its ok, it doesn't matter as long as you get that crap out of you, still loves me whether I'm bald or with wig. I know, but I'm losing my identity! My hair was my best feature and if it doesn't feel ok I don't feel ok! I admire the ladies who go bald/shave it off and walk round with bandanas...... THATS NOT FOR ME! I don't want to show the world I'm a cancer patient/victim!

Since this original post  many many tears have been shed (and are still) lots have  happened over the months (some of you may already know).......

My pathology results were not as is hoped for, no clear margin gained. Original scans etc showed a 27mm tumour, however this turned out to be 56! Also after sentinel lymph biopsy showed in lymoh too, on the plus side 1 out of possible 11 positive.

My Team decided as they were 'going back in', rather than do chemo first they'd do the extra margin and lymph node clearance at same time. So procedure number two on 12th November. Took me longer to bounce back from this and I've got some cording in my arm post surgery...... 😏

First told chemo would start January, then got call to say nope, it was starting the 18th December! I'm having 

3xFEC then 3xT......l trying the cold cap head cooling system as I can't bare the thought of losing all my hair!

Today I completed session number 2! Third of way through. Next one 29th Jan all being well. 

On my own for this time round hubby away working....... Feeling VERY emotional tonight, hair shedding strands everywhere, dreading the next hair wash.....

Im forever being told, stay positive, strong, you're doing so well, it'll soon be over....... NO IT WONT!!!? I'm forever crying silent tears thinking why me? What life will I have worrying it's come back?! I know that's not healthy and I'll drive myself nuts! I'm going to see about counselling at my local CLAN centre...... But to be honest I think it'll be just a session where I just cry constantly, feeling weak and a failure. Has anyone had counselling? Advice?

Feeling very cold and tired now, been a long stressful day...... Off to bed. Night all, sending you hugs xxx Tina 

[takeadeepbreath]

I am just the same. I go to work and people say how well I look and i feel a fraud. I'm not well, I think about how I can't take anymore. You're strong says my sister who has never had cancer. I feel like I am walking on a glass floor with a chasm beneath. I don't feel safe. I feel so distressed I cry when I get home. I feel condemned for something I didn't do, like Josef k. I feel afraid and alone amidst family and friends because nobody can understand unless they have sat in that hospital room and been told they have cancer. No one. How can I live the rest of my life like this? I've read the research, I know there are no guarantees and the rest of my life under this shadow seems like no life.

I also have large breasts with a high density and know this increases the risk of recurrence. I feel cursed. Thank God I had no idea when I was younger and assumed life would turn out fine.

[catokitty]

I certainly feel like two different people! I am one year since diagnosis and surgery and everyone thinks I am fine, back to normal, it is all in the past and no more worries.  Inside I feel anxious and obsess about getting the cancer back but none of the people closest to me want to talk about it at all so I have to keep it to myself.   I am trying to take up more me time activities to distract myself from constantly thinking about cancer.  I have thought about asking the GP for counselling but feel a bit of a fraud because I am not clinically depressed, I manage my life fine and my anxieties don't stop me from doing anything.  If only there was an easy solution!

[KateB]

Thanks pandorra1! Does anyone else feel that cancer has made them into 2 different people- the one with cancer and the one without (or the one who pretends everything is ok)?

I feel like I've been almost living 2 separate lives this last year and cancer has totally messed with my head.

I didn't realise this was happening till it reached crisis point in December by which time it was too late. Really wish I had been stronger and insisted on being referred for counselling but it's very hard to admit that you need help, well I find it hard even to family and friends. When you've been the one looking after others both at work and at home it's difficult to ask for help and I hate to put on people even though they probably wouldn't have seen it like that. So I carried on my 2 lives and am now trying to live with the consequences. My husband doesn't really understand how much the cancer has affected me but that's not his fault as I kept it all bottled up. Don't know where to go from here - anyone got any suggestions?

[pandorra1]

Hi Kate B, oh how I feel for you and understand. We all deall with this awful  invasion in different ways, what is the right way. I also bottled lots up, admired for my handling of my journey, had radiotherapy and told so far so good. Just had my follow up yearly mamo and see my surgeon on 22nd. Most people around me have forgotten what I had, so when I mentioned to my partner the other day that I have an opened mind to my results he was shocked. Why, because I have carried on throughout this journey,  keeping all the horrible thoughts inside me, and outside smiling, strong and I suppose positive.  It really is hard to be strong, but I don't want to sit in a corner and probably feel so weak. Don't care what any one says, we are tarnished, but we also are special, so that tarnish has gold somewhere.   So, talk, scream, shout, cry and care about you and your feelings, we are all here for one another.  Lol xxxxx

[KateB]

I realise this is a late reply but I'm new to this. I would just like to say to people who think they aren't coping but put on a brave face, don't, or you might end up like me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2014, had lumpectomy and radiotherapy. I asked to be referred for counselling after I had finished treatment but was made to feel I wasn't bad enough and didn't need it. After 3 months of taking tamoxifen I started with problems which after 10 months of scans, biopsies and consultations ended in a hysterectomy just before Christmas 2015. I haven't coped at all well with this fear of cancer for a second time but I'm not one for talking even though I have a brilliant husband and family to support me. I have put on a brave face and pretended everything is ok whilst the cancer has been getting to me to such an extent that I have made some bad decisions and put my marriage in jeopardy. I and my family are now suffering the consequences of my not talking. I have this week tried to organise counselling but still waiting for appointments.

So my message to anyone out there is please please please don't bottle things up and pretend you are coping. Learn from my mistake and talk to someone before it's too late.

[feistyflora]

That was a really lovely answer Delly, written in your own inimitable style. You're right, you do make lots of new and often surprising friendships due to having breast cancer and I've never had so many hugs in my life. You saucy mare, have you been at the Gin & Tonics again? I'm certainly not 'festering' (ha ha ) on the contrary I am so darn grateful for the treatment I received (even though it made me feel lousy at the time) that I can't help singing Christmas carols when I'm skipping down the street. I'm not the only bonkers one who does that you know  

[delly]

Tina - little flower. OOOOOO - you're getting yourself into such a state. All your talk of grandkids when you haven't yet got any, you're running faaar too ahead of yourself. Festy's right - one DAY at a time and as with me, "baby steps". STOP thinking you're DIEING. I think you are SCARED STIFF of chemo - 'cos it's an UNKNOWN as yet. I can totally understand that. Get yourself onto the chemo-cutie's thread and get as much info, feedback as you can - it might help. Peggycat's nearly finished hers now and JenJen's in early stages. But there's loads of gorgeous, helpful women on there. I looked into it myself just to educate myself what the likes of them and you soon are/will be going through.

Did you read what I said about my recent new friend Ena, and her thick 1 1/2" short hair. Plus, did you read what I said about my Mums permanently thinned hair prob - NOT cancer, hormonal and probably longterm use of perms and dyes. Mine's the same, massively receded at the temples and thin on top. You're gonna have to be very patient.. I think you'll feel better once you start chemo and then are better then able to gear yourself to deal with what it's all about and what to expect.

Are you on antidepressants Tina ?? Have you got a MacMillan Centre or any such support centre near to you that offers counselling and support ?? Pleeease will you check into it. Ask your BCN's if there's any such thing on offer.

AND, as Feisty ('ello my darlin' !) says, it's a bloomin awful time of year to have to be setting out on the unknown chemo journey, family time espesh. Maybe, if you can focus on thinking "Oh well, it's just a few months of feeling GROTT, I'll just have to write it off as investing in MANY MORE lovely Xmases to come" !! ?? Sweetheart, I truely wish I could be there and hold your hand through all of it, and tell you that I know you're gonna be ok. I AM there with you in spirit, in your pocket. I feel you'll be much better once you've got a few treatments under your belt and importantly, mixing and sharing company of other fellow cuties.  As a positive - it's an opportunity to meet and make new friendships that are forged out of hardship and difficulties.

Love and hugs to you and everyone else. Lovely to see/hear you again Feisty. Good words of advice and comfort there girl

Dellywearswellies ! xxx

[feistyflora]

Hi Tandy

Your post takes me back because I was depressed, scared, bald and slap bang in the middle of chemo just before Christmas when everyone else was happy and celebrating. I don't know how I managed to struggle through Christmas Day, in fact I nearly dropped the turkey tin due to the peripheral neuropathy in my fingers! People used to tell me to stay positive and I used to think "I know you mean well but you don't really understand what I'm going through". I too shed many lonely tears in the darkness as I listened to my husband peacefully sleeping beside me. Going through treatment was really tough but it was worth it because two years later, my scan showed no sign of cancer and I feel as fit as a fiddle nowadays. Be gentle with yourself, only do what you want to do or feel up to and try to just take things one day at a time.

[Tandy 4]

Thank you......  Month on and I'm still having tears. Again last night, silent sobs on my own, in the dark while rest of house slept. Hubby doesn't like to see me cry, keeps saying I've got to stay positive, stop dwelling on negative and overthinking things...... Fight!..... I'm trying. But then putting up the Xmas tree, thinking, **bleep**, this time next week I'll be facing my first chemo, I want to be here for years to come putting all these old ornaments on my old tree with my grandkids..... Of which I've not got yet...... 😖  Got to stop this thinking the worse!!!! Had hair appointment today.... Cried, again, thinking, this'll be my last for a while......  Meant to have gone out for dinner with work colleagues tonight, couldn't face it. Another day out planned Saturday, but I've already decided I'm not going. For financial reasons and frame of mind. 

Have had two glasses of red so hopefully sleep better tonight...... 

[Shamilack3]

Hi Xwaiting on results is horrible and nobody but you knows all the emotions and thoughts you have going on in your head X

It's ok to cry and to let other see you cry X

Good luck moving forward X big hug

[delly]

Hello my Dear friend,

Your results were last Thurs. I can't remember from your other postings elsewhere what the outcome was so I'll go check back. I've found it now so am updated and you're still waiting on a final chat on Wed.

Yeh I agree, think your son thought you'd got enough to deal with so didn't want to add to it. But the Xmas arrangement question brought it to the fore.

You and me darlin, are overthinkers and dwellers. I think a lot it with me is having too much time and not enough distraction - your situ and circs are totally different . There's a saying that "Action is the enemy of thought", which in other words is saying - if you tend to be brooding or dwelling - get up, off or out and do something/anything to help take your mind off. Easier said than done when you're feeling c**p and put into practice.     It's a massive change to you just not working, let alone all the BC side. I've never been the same since I had to stop work and desperately need to get back to something, for the distraction, structure it gives and the social interaction with people./colleagues, so there's all that side for you too.

I wonder if your BCN can organise some counselling for you ?? might be worth asking. Or asking your GP. If you're not feeling up to much physically, try putting some upbeat feel good music on and have a mad bop or good sing at the top of your voice - just go loonie, who cares what. Or put a feelgood dvd or comedy programme on. Whilst your laid up, get a stock of jigsaw puzzles (charity shops sell them cheap and you can just take them back again after to be resold) , these new adult colouring books, puzzles or something else to do with your hands cos if your hands are occupied so is your mind. Or spend all day n night on here like me !! Will go check what your results were and speak to you soon.

Lotsa love

Doolally xxx

[Tandy 4]

I just want to curl up and cry....... He's downstairs thinking I'm getting ready to go shopping.... I haven't made the bathroom yet. My son bless him, I think he'd just found out she was seeing someone else, they're still living in same flat and as I'd been asking about Xmas he wanted to let me know. I don't know what I'm crying for most..... Him, me or fact I've broken down..... Every ache I get I'm thinking the worse! My head is banging. 

Thank you for replying, and for caring xxxx Tina 

[Tandy 4]

I just want to curl up and cry....... He's downstairs thinking I'm getting ready to go shopping.... I haven't made the bathroom yet. My son bless him, I think he'd just found out she was seeing someone else, they're still living in same flat and as I'd been asking about Xmas he wanted to let me know. I don't know what I'm crying for most..... Him, me or fact I've broken down..... Every ache I get I'm thinking the worse! My head is banging. 

[Caffy]

Oh Tina, virtual hugs coming your way. It's your results tomorrow that will have made you so tense - your hubby too I'm sure. I'm not making excuses for him but I think we do forget sometimes how hard it is for our other halves. Mine keeps getting close to tears and I tell him he has to hold it together or I'll break down too. Maybe a good joint cry would do us good but I'm not sure I've got the energy to recover at the moment. I don't have children so I can't offer any advice re your son, but I guess he may have been holding back telling yiu because if everything else going in, but his timing wasn't too great telling younthis weekend. Dig deep girl, you've held it together this far and youCAN do it. None of thought we could cope with this horrible thing but somehow we do. Sending you lots of love and more hugs. Will be thinking of yiu tomorrow, make sure you update us all ASAP. Chris xxx

[Tandy 4]

So, I went to the meal. Was very nervous and shaky, so unlike me! Got through the 'how are you's? And you're looking well!" ......... Meal was ok and it was lovely having a few laughs with the girls............

But I woke up yesterday morning feeling terrible! Couldn't explain it, felt like I had a big dark cloud following me. Tired, lethargic, headache (wasn't a hangover as I only had one drink!) didn't want to do anything and I didn't! Sat most of day watching telly, drinking tea and thinking, over thinking! Have been putting it down to hormones as I started a painful period early hours Friday morning. The day was long and I was very agitated. My hubby was busy doing DIY in bathroom, kept asking if I was ok? Yeah, just tired I told him.

Then I had a txt from my son early evening saying his relationship with his partner was finished. So upset for my boy and worried about him. They live together and he says she's already with another guy........ Apparently they'd been split for while (I had a feeling for months something wasn't right with them but he kept it from me!). The emotions were hard to keep in check. My husband, being the calm sensible one said, no point you getting angry..... Blah blah...... Again I sat thinking, beating myself up about what sort of parent have I been for him not to talk to me? Open with my kids but feel they aren't with me..... Said this to hubby, he told me was my fault, I pushed it (always talk to me) when they were younger. I shut down, stayed quiet and couldn't speak for fear of screaming.... Hour passed and he asked if I was ok? Said no, I was pissed off! Burst into tears and said couldn't believe what he'd said!? He said he didn't mean/ say it that way........ Then he got up sat in another chair saying I always over analyse things. Telly on, we sat in silence (my silent tears rolling down my face) then my daughter face timed, saw my face asked what's wrong? Id already txt her earlier about her brother. I cried again and passed the i pad to dad. Heard him say I was feeling sensitive today. Went to bed, he lay there earplugs in watching something on i pad, I lay with arm over face silently crying again. 

Was up a couple times during night for loo and wide awake at 5:40, head banging still feeling so sad. Laid awake till he woke at 6:50 nothing said. He got up at 7:30 asked if I wanted tea? Brought me cup asked if needed anything? Went downstairs, I'm still in bed crying....... He's my rock, has been for the past 31 years....... He's been home 24/7 with me for past 3 weeks since surgery. I've held this together for months and feel like the flood gates have opened! I'm so worried about my results tomorrow, I can't stop crying!! 

[Tandy 4]

😚 Thank you Christina, I will do xxxx 

[Christina0]

It's maybe the distraction you need hun. 

If you feel you're going to be weepy while you are there, just make your excuses and say you have to leave.  I'm sure everyone will understand.  We all cope differently, it's a hellish road we go down - people make allowances.

And besides...............a girl should never miss a chance to go sparkle! So, go get on your party gear and make up, and go enjoy your meal, you still have to eat right?  Get some sustenance to keep you going 😄 Enjoy

Spoiler

Spoiler

P.s. Let me know tomorrow how you enjoyed your meal xxxx

[Tandy 4]

Thank you Christina.

I'm In two minds whether to go to a colleagues leaving meal tonight ( was all arranged months ago before I went off sick) hubby says to go, see girls and enjoy for few hours. But it's thought of me trying to be myself, usually  jovial and having a laugh. Just don't want to blub in middle of restaurant!..... Though I kept itvtogethervthe past few months in work whilst going through tests etc! It was close colleagues who got more upset! But in work felt like a different world, got on with things. Oh I'll be ok, man up!:) I can do this! Hopefully the colleague will take the light off me, and quite rightly so, it's her night!..... She's usully makes sure it's all about her anyway! 😂👍🏼 She just better not let me down tonight!! 😜 

Will let you know how I manage! Xxxx 

[Christina0]

awwwww, hun I think everyone on here has had a private weep while smiling at the world when we have to.

It'ss very early days for you, and it is very frightening, but I'm sure you will have a clear path of where you want to be soon.

Dont hold in your emotions, better out than in.  Anyone would sympathise with you hun.

Sending you a BIG reassuring hug! ((((((((((((( )))))))))))))

take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Tandy 4]

Thank you xxx 

[strawberryblond]

oh honey - it is really early days for you and still so very very raw.  You are still trying to get your head around your diagnosis and treatment.  It is OK to cry - there will be more days like this but also, more importantly, there will be great days too

strawbs

[Nimbus]

Oh girl, we've all been there. 

Sometimes, after you've been holding it all together for a long time, it is ok to flop. It can be a relief to cry. It can be a good thing that other people get to see that all is is not perfectly wonderful in your world. Let it flow, have a rest, and you will feel better.

Tomorrow will be another day. 

J

[Tandy 4]

Hi........ Post surgery 2 weeks, as some reading this will know. Have been feeling ok emotionally since my op until today!?  WT? Today I am tearful, sobbing at times. My husband has just nipped out for white and has asked if I'm ok? Told him just feeling bit tired....... Trying to stay upbeat in front of him is hard. I'm not in pain, tender and sore, but not pain. Still Waiting for pathology results, and one minute I'm 'yeah got this crap out of me! Gonna be fine!' To thinking 'God, what if it's not gone? What next? Worrying in case I will end up losing my breast after all, feeling sick about the possibility of therapy or chemo' ............. I've had no call from BC nurse since op. I spoke to GP for sick note and she said to see her mid November. Have had great support from you guys on here..... Which is why I'm typing this whilst tears roll down my face.

Feel I should be doing or taking something to help with treatment, in limbo. Basically today I'm losing it! Xxx Tina