Just 6 more times ,I think it gets harder not easier as the days go on.I feel very sorry for my boob it has been battered and radiated beyond recognition.
My collarbone looks like I've got a hickie from an alien being (and it hurts. My despondency is off the scale.
Ladies, at this point I don't even care if I die, as long as I don't have to set foot in a hospital for the rest of my life 😕 When I am done, I'll get so drunk that I'll sleep three days afterwards.
Wow, I can't wait. Even if i am only assisting in spirit and through the interwebz, even if I have yet another week of rads lite after Friday, it's for me as well the end of an era, in a sense, and a truly cathartic gesture.
You are not alone in feeling like that, just said the same thing on the radiotherapy thread , I was talking to a couple of ladies who are having rads at Preston with me and coming to the end if treatment one said , so what are we supposed to do when all this has finished just go away and try and not get it again somehow???Exactly !!!!
Yep ,it's getting barbecued in the garden whilst I drink nice bottle of bubbly ,not totally confident about its flammability may need to use some white spirit!!!!Would have preferred a nice steak but hey ....
Today I had only 2 points irradiated instead of the usual 4. From now on it's gonna be a lite version, i've been told, so this is it. Starting the letrazole on the 23rd, and then it's the rest of my life and remaining alive and healthy it's all up to me. Yes, I am scared, for the moment being.
Jill, you're 110% right. On Friday, I can be online at any time. Evening I may go to the movies but I can accommodate any time (last show is at 23 and anyway I'll be tired and I'll end up going on Sat, I am sure), I am sure. Just tell me the time you prefer and I'll make myself available.do you have a garden? Will you be doing it in the barbecue?
I'm amazed you are actually still getting yourself there ,14 and I have totally had enough.It is not a happy place,full of sadness and desperation,illness and fear.Difficult to sit there every day for weeks and not get affected whatever your attitude , you wouldn't be human if you didn't .What time should I torch my bra Friday ?I need some company !!!What are you gonna do??
I think having the boob on fire reminds me of that awful time four months ago. Plus, there's one so many visits to the hospital you can make without negative emotions seeping in, and after 23 rads sessions, wishing to be perky and bouncy is probably asking too much.
You have gonads ,interesting !!! I think it is the reality of nearing the end of treatment , when you are being treated that is the focus, when you are nearing the end you start thinking about what happens next and the fact that this is always going to be there in the background for all of us and how we live with that without it spoiling our lives.You are not losing the plot I think it is totally normal to feel this way.Cast out into the non cancer world to fend for ourselves!!
In these days the goat is back with a vengeance. It's not anymore "ok, we are doing something against the cancer", it's "almost done. And now? What will happen to me?". I am surprised myself. Googling survival rates seemed so passé only one week ago. Am I going mad? Are my cast-iron gonads finally reaching breaking point?
They have new stock in the souvenir shop ,little badly knitted stuffed toys.....feeling like there should be some kind of 6 gun salute and fireworks display when I finish on Friday but realising that this thing is going to fizzle out like a firework on a wet bonfire night instead..
Lol Jill, the right thing would be to drive to the airport, buy a dior fragrance and bring it as the only baggage on a flight to Tahiti. But, as Real Women (®) as we are, we will do what to have to do and somehow still win. xx
Have a good ,calm evening Mael. Love the perfume depts in big stores and the airport ,so decadent.Ooh, I think I may go for a little drive tomorrow ... where should I go ....
I think the worst mistake we can do is asking or waiting for some kind of permission to live. It's such a fallacy. Anyway, went to a John Lewis, had a gander, didn't buy anything but that atmosphere of bourgeois calm and plenty hasn't failed to perk me up. Time to move on for dinner.
Need to recalibrate our brains to the new. " normal" I guess .My dog has just head butted me under the chin and nearly put my teeth through my tongue that's taken my mind off it !!!!Do you want me to send him round????
I think you're spot on Jill. I am tempted to bang myself on the head like you would do in the hope of fixing a radio, asking my brain to snap out of it. Indeed, it's the knowledge that this chapter, taxing but reassuring exactly because so taxing, will be over soon and soon it will be a matter to learn how to live "normally" again, whilst my tenets of normalcy have taken the battering of a lifetime.
It rears it's ugly head unexpectedly sometimes unexpectedly , maybe you are just getting depleted emotionally and physically and it's more likely to grab you then.Its buried deep in the part of your brain that doesn't respond to rational thinking .Maybe you are starting like me to look into the abyss of what happens next???
It's so odd, I am getting again mild / moderate pangs from the goat. It hadn't showed up for a whole month, and nothing has happened to summon it, and still there it is, this sense of doom and irreality.
Imma go for a walk to see if I can come back to my senses. Maybe it's just a chemical thing, I have eaten too much, slept too little, dunno. Ouf, how annoying.
Jill, am all yours, so to speak! Just say when and I'll keep you virtual company through messages or, if I am home, I can even burn something to keep you company, like, my dinner for example. It's an ending for me too as the following week I have to do only the boost, which apparently is a walk in the park compared to the whole hog.
Whatever you choose to do, even the craziest, most decadent, luxuriating thing you can think of, you truly and wholly deserve it.
Mael ,Sheena I could do with some cyber company when setting light to my rads bra on Friday evening with a large glass of Proseeco in hand,I going BBQ it!!!!Only people on here will understand!!!
That's the way girl, orange juice, salad, let's spill it all, as a gesture of anarchist affirmation. Order and composure are values only for those who haven't seen what we have seen.
Jill, it's curious how we are all different: I don't mind in the least. I imagine the cancerous cells dying an horrible death at the hands of alien tasers. Plus, it means that the session is almost over...
I get sweaty palms going back after having a break from it for a couple of days .We were saying this morning that the moment when they all leave the room and you are alone with the radiation is so bleak.
