I would like to ask everyones advice on my 14 yro daughter.
to explain a bit i have brought up me 6 kids on my own for last 10 years she is now the only one staying with me and a bit spoiled.
But since my diagnosis she is getting totally out of hand. I ve tried talking to her but she insists that she doesnt want to stay here while iam ill. That is because she has to do most things for herself just now. I feel iam constantly on at her to clean up after her go to school etc. This morning i tried again saying that I just want her to be able to look after herself if something should happen. She stormed out saying she didnt care and she was going to stay with my daughter in law. I dont know what to do any more. I know this is affecting her big time and ive made so many allowances for that and the fact that she is a teenager but iam at my wits end as what to do. even the macmillan nurses have tried explaining things to her but its as if she either doesnt want to know or doesnt care. HELP. I want my daughter back
Teenagers are horrible enough normally, but with when you are ill on top of everything, it is a nightmare. I have a 16 year old son who is going through a really funny stage (normal, probably). I know he’s worried about me, but doesnt like me talking about it. Says I go on too much about cancer. It must really hit them hard when they realise their mother is very ill and also because they are so selfish and dont want to have to grow up and do things for themselves. The fact she stormed off and said she doesnt care means to me, exactly the opposite. I have no pearls of wisdom to offer only that she will grow up one day and in the meantime, you are stuck with these babyish types of behaviour. My son doesnt seem to understand that he cant stay out all night and expect me to ferry him here there and everywhere like I used to. It may help to not mention that you are ill anymore, as she seems know that. I’ve stopped mentioning it at home, unless I am going to hospital etc. If she is a real pain, maybe letting her stay with your daughter in law is not a bad thing, if its with your blessing. You know she will be safe and you can have some time on your own. I do feel for you being on your own, but if you have older children, let them help out with her.
I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, but it does seem to me that from an adult’s perspective teenagers can be extraordinarily selfish (I have a 16 yr old son I am thinking of). They seem so grown up in so many ways, but we have to keep reminding ourselves that they are just overgrown children emotionally. There is more and more research coming out about the major changes in adolescent’s brains, and how things like organisation & responsibility are adversely affected whilst this is happening. I can only suggest you try to keep open the channels of communication during this difficult time, and try to ride out the storm. Not much help, but you are not alone with the difficult teenagers.
I have given here information about the RipRap website. It has been developed especially for 12-16 year olds who have a parent with cancer. In riprap, you can learn more about cancer and its treatment and through individual stories you can see how this might affect you and your family.
Yes they are a very mixed bag of extremes - very selfish when their peer group make claims on them but extraordinarily sensitive and capable of great kindness - like us all only more so!
My son is that age, he really doesn’t like anything to disrupt home life - perhaps I’ve make the way too smooth for him, he being my youngest. My daughter (16) is much more willing to pitch in at times but can be cruel at others. They’re learner adults so we have to make demands on them, otherwise they’ll never get there but they need us to take the pressure off sometimes so that they can come home and feel safe. I suppose the curse of bc is to threaten that feeling of safety. Smart kids know what it could mean and regularly anticipate devastating consequences - probably more than we do in some cases. Leave her on a long leash and she’ll be alright. I know it’s easy to say and hard to do but try to stop worrying about her and look after yourself.
I’d agree with Bernie and maybe a few days at the daughter in laws isn’t a bad idea either.
You know where she is. She’d have some time to herself to have a think about things and you wouldn’t need to look after her.
If she is a little spolit it may help her to appreciate the things you do if she has a few days away. The Question is will you be OK on your own, do you have anyone else nearby?
Hi all , missed last night life talk ! missed cause of teenages 12 girls who does seem to bothered has cancer 3 times ! Son 16 years old who s left home in hostel and moved on to income support which means he cant work ! was going 3 weeks ago to 6th form !!! they he talks about army (not that tpye). He is nervoues break down or taking the mick out nan and grandad … which i think is the case … it sounds alful… hey ho have been told to get over the operation to remove brain tumour … and go through radio therpy whole head for 10 days … which no doubt will make me tried … trying to forget about son at moment … but does seem to work mum keeps going on about him !! sleep seems to effect everything ! steriod does help and son does help ! i am waffle on on sometimes sorry … sophie xxx i think u will understand
Think your saying that kids just cant make up their minds what it is they want to do… I keep trying to remember how i was at her age.
Think this is where the problem lies My dad died of a brain tumour when I was 16 he’d known for a year and we didnt know till he actually died. This has haunted me ever since How dare he not give us thie opertunity to say goodbye to be there. I was a daddies girl and I know this was his way of protecting me but I always regret not having that time together keep thinking of all the times I could have had that I will never get back. So I guess I’ve always been upfront with my kids and cant understand why they still dont want to spend time with me I even explained about how I felt about dad and that I regret not having spent time with him. To no avail I just don’t want her to feel the way I did and still do. Does this make sense…
Its a teenagers job to annoy you. Obviously the fact that you have cancer is just your way of annoying them by needing to be ‘off’ for a few days and horror of horrors their favourite jean have not been lifted off the bedroom floor, washed dried and ironed and ready for them to go out on Friday night! I mean what’s a tumor compare to them having to wear something else.
I’m sure a few days away from home might do her some good - make her do her own packing tho and if she forgets summit no running round with it for her. Also have a word with your daughter-in-law and make sure she does not spoil your daughter whilst she is there.
It is hard on them - us adults have a hell of a job to get our heads round the situation and the fears so for a teenager it must be a lot worse. Often they refuse to discuss it - my son is nearly 19 and I know he talks to other ppl about my treatment but doesn’t talk much to me.
Hi anna marie Still waiting to go for thatCoffee
Sorry to say to all you mums with teenagers , they can still be a pain in the ass as adults. Ihave two sons one 38 and another 44 ok they do’nt live at home anymore but you never stop worrying about them. At least I have’nt got them round me all the time though. JOANNE your daughters scared of losing you and she sounds very angry it must be hell for kids who have to learn to deal with MUM who has been diagnosed with life threatening illness. She cannot cope with the thought of seeing you ill. Bless her as if puberty ai’nt enough on it’s own . I think 16year olds shut get the vote they know everything by then!!! LOL
Love bobbie
well just to let you know she has gone to my daughter in laws I somehow feel ive let het down but dont want her to be any more pressured than she is i’ll keep you posted
I agree that teenagers can be selfish. I have a 13 and 16 year old. The 13 year old lives with me and his step dad and the age at the moment is going through a funny stage!!! One minute he wants to help with everthing and the next answering back and being selfish. The 16 year old lives with is dad. When i speak to him on the phone the answers to my quetion are one worded…Yep…Nope…Grunt…Don’t know. We can only try are best.
The advise i got with dealing with teenagers and BC, is not to push to much on to them. I try to let them lead their lives as normal as possible and ask for a little help when i need to. It is normal for them to find it easier to talk to their piers or someone who is not connected to the family i.e Teachers. I have had a word with the school and if my son, who lives me is finding things hard they will contact me immediately. I do e-mail is form teacher now and again to make sure he is okay. Also my ex-husband is doing the same with our 16 year old. Teenagers are turning from childhood to adulthood and see things in more detail than a younger child.
My personal advise is let them have there own space and eventually they will come round. My youngest is now asking questions at home and i answer with a honest reply.