Telling people

[Chaze]

I am impressed by how much knowledge you all have about your condition. I had to look up what some of the terms meant. I know it is my fault I became an ostrich and stuck my head in the sand. I had my first mammogram in December, my only thought being, great an afternoon of work do some Xmss shopping. Week later letter asking me back as scan "unclear. Still no alarm bells ringing, I must have moved during scan and it was blurred. Total disbelief to be told they had found "something" Biopsy followed (scary) results 2 days later. Was told I had calcium deposits and would need them removed and 5 weeks of radiotherapy. Was told that I did not have cancer but to have the op just to be safe. I had my operation in a day surgery and told to come back in 10 days. My scar was bigger than I had expected and my left boob was left with a dent where the tissue had been removed. After 10 days I went back I thought to get my dressing changed only to be told quite bluntly that all the pre-cancerous cells could not be removed without disfiguring my boob further so I was told I needed a mastectomy! Like you I didn't want to tell anyone except my husband,daughters and family. My poor Mother still can't understand why a MX with no cancer! My work are quite understanding but I heard one girl mutter "off work for 8 weeks and she doesn't even have cancer" I do feel a bit of a phoney when I read some of your stories. I used to dread the phone ringing in case it was someone asking how I was. Course I am going to say I am fine thanks, no one wants to listen to a moaning Minnie . I have had people say how much better they feel after speaking to me as I am so positive. Huh they should see me some mornings when I do 't even want to get out of my bed. I find myself staring longingly at my lovely bras and bikinis I had bought for my summer hols. They don't fit anymore, Will go back to my work in 2 weeks and go back to being the joker and smiling when told how lucky I am to have caught the cancer so early. Grr Grr

[poemsgalore]

I told my family, obviously, and my close friends. Also told my immediate neighbours. When I lost my hair I put a photo on facebook and let everyone else know that way. I had no pity, just admiration for what I was going through on top of all my other ailments (RA, Sjogren's Syndrome, Bronchiectasis with Pseudomonas colonies). Everyone was upbeat and supportive. Good luck for whatever treatment you need to have.

poemsgalore xx

[keeks]

Thanks Blue23.

I have just posted the link on my facebook page. After three months I assume all my friends know but it's a tip for those who don't. 

I still remember going out shopping with my mother 20 years ago when she had leukemia and seeing people cross the road or going into shops in front of us just because they didn't want to speak to her brcause they didn't know what to say.

I also have caught people glancing at my chest when I tell them as if they will be able to tell which one.

I don't feel lucky, or fortunate but I appreciate the sentiment when people say it.  I have been on the other side with friends having cancer and like you I hope I didn't say the wrong thing.  

Take care

Keeks

[Blue23]

Hi Keeks,

That's exactly what I don't want, head tilting and asking how I am ! Your comment made me laugh about wanting to punch them in the face ! But really, what else can people say I know it's difficult for them. My next door neighbour went silent only because she just didn't now what to say as i told her I didn't want pity. I told her not ot worry as it is difficult to know what to say but feel I am consoling others and would prefer not to be. People only want to be kind and I hve supported a few of my friends with BC over the last few years and really hope I have never said the wrong thing. i was always positive; my mum is  19 years post BC  and i always reminded them of that and it is also keeping me going when I have more negative thoughts .

There was a funny article in the Daily Mail about just this that my mum brought over, it's quite funny reading, here's the link 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2606430/My-friend-died-things-NOT-say-cancer-sufferer-JOAN...

xx

[keeks]

Hi Blue23

if you don't want to tell people then that is your decision to make. It's nice that the friends you have told have asked your permission first before they told anyone else.

I thought I would be very open with everyone but I'm not. I told those closest to me and said they could tell people they felt they could get support from. I mention it when appropriate in conversation but I don't want to be 'cancer' I want to be me.

I don't want every conversation to be about cancer or treatment. I want to be included in everyday life. 

However when someone puts their head to the side and asks how I am I want to punch them. And when someone goes on about their minor ailments I feel like screaming at them. People have said the stupidest things to me trying to be helpful but that's better than avoiding me so I try to be patient. 

It all gets a little wearing.  Why do I have to waste my energy dealing with the feelings of others but that's how it goes.  

you do what feels right for you. It is so upsetting trying to keep your own feelings under control just to be polite.. 

take care

Keeks

[princessbear]

Hmmm its a difficult one isn't it. I have thought about this quite a lot because I found telling people much harder than I thought it was going to be. I could see the impact and shock my news had on my family and close friends and when I was trying to deal with it all myself it was very upsetting. I am usually the joker and the one always making people laugh in my friendship group so it was very hard to say...by the way, I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer. The word cancer affects everybody.

Like angel though I have found the messages of support from people to be a big help, just texts to say im thinking of you have given me a lift when I was feeling low. Now I am recovering from surgery I have been able to tell a couple more friends. I was able to work with only a couple of close friends at the office knowing, but its quite a small office and my absence was going to cause lots of questions so it was agreed once I was off everyone would be told. However it was apparently done very well with no specific details given. This now means that when I go back I won't be bombarded with questions and comments like did you have a good holiday!! Hopefully as everyone has been told it should reduce gossip.

I don't think you can really stop those you have told from telling people that they are close too because that may be how they cope with the news. My husband had to tell a few people at work because of needing time off and his family obviously but other than gaht he hasn't talked to anyone a bit it but that is how he copes with things. Everynr is different and there is no right or wrong. We all have to deal with this how we feel best. Even though my close friends know I still haven't talked really frankly about how I am feeling, this it why this forum is such a lifeline at the moment. Take carexxxx

[angel77]

hi blue23.. at first i only told my kids and close family . then my husband told hes friends and i kept getting messages saying `thinking of you ` and you can do this `etc and that has now made me soo much stronger and the fact i know people are right behind me through this awful path im taking . i think i have done the worse bit now having the op ,im now waiting for the 7th of may for results and treatment . we are all different and we all deal with this situation different but that dosnt mean your wrong and im right it means we are doing what we feel is best ,and if you decide to tell people then thats your choice , the main reason i havnt told loads of people is because i dont like pity ,im a strong person and want to do things my way as its my journey .. as long as you have your close family with you then you will come out the other side a stronger person regardless of who you told xx

[Jaye]

Hi Blue

Hope you have a good nights sleep, I remember after my op it was about 10 days before I managed to get comfy to be able to sleep - it was lovely when I managed to turn onto the bad side as was fed up of sleeping on one side lol.  

I don't sleep very well at all since I was diagnosed, too much going on in my head so no use going to bed early.  

Jaye x

[Blue23]

Thanks for your replies, obviously I'm not the only one still awake ! Have just taken 2 painkillers as finidng it difficult to sleep as still uncomfortable under my arm and having quite negative thoughts going through my head. so hoepfully will be able to sleep soon. This website is amazing for support and it's so good to not feel alone. 

xx

[gabys1st]

You are still normal, at least I hope that I am - breast cancer does not, I hope, not make me any different - not at this stage anyway.  If operating on need to know basis works for you ( and does for me) then go for it. You are the important person in all this.

Bestest.

[Jaye]

Hi Blue

I feel just the same as you do so if it's a strange reaction then I am strange too lol.

I was diagnosed 4th Feb and had a WLE and sentinel node biopsy on 4th March, am now waiting to start radiotherapy - I have my planning meeting for radiotherapy next Monday.

I only told a very close circle of friends and family - as you say, I didn't want to be gossiped about and didn't see the need to broadcast it as I wanted to continue to be as normal as possible.

But my husband told a lot of people and at first I went into hiding as he kept saying, so and so sent their best wishes and I did feel like I was being gossiped about but nothing I can do about it.  Only yesterday I came back from shopping to find a get well card and plant in my porch lol.  so had to phone and say that I hadn't told many people and sorry for not letting her know.

Oh well, I suppose it's me wanting to be a private person but I know people mean well.

Best wishes

Jaye xx

[Blue23]

I am nearly 1 week post op WLE and SNB . Diagnosed just a few weeks ago IDC prob grade 2; HR + 

I don't want people really to know because I don't want sympathy or pity from people and at the moment can still pretend to be 'normal'. I have obviously told  family  and work , and I have a few close friends who have had  breast cancer who are fantastically supportive but of the few other friends i have told they are asking me if they can tell people and I am starting to feel like I am a piece of gosssip. I know they only want to be kind and to care for me but I know  once the news gets round that i will be probably inundated with good wishes/ flowers/ sympathy and possibly people saying the wrong thing that could upset me and at the moment I don;t think i can deal with this. Does anyone else feel like this or am I slightly abnormal. I am even thinking if i don't need chemo then people actually dont really have a need to know at all . I thought  I would feel different after my operation but am still just wanting to keep things quiet 

xx