I’d appreciate some thought on this - I’m really undecided about the right course of action.
I have secondaries in lungs and liver as well as recurrence in the breast. I’m doing really well at present - but I know that at some point it will go downhill.
My children know the state of affairs (they are grown up) and are coping as well as can be expected but I really cannot decide how much to tell my parents. They are in their 80s and fully compos mentis, though my father is physically frail after throat and stomach cancer (he seems to have recovered from both). They know I have a recurrence of cancer, doubtless they suspect the worst - but should I spell it out? I’m really undecided about this. Is it better to cause them the pain of knowing I am probably going to die before them now , or give them the pain of feeling I was not honest with them after I die? I suppose I could wait until things start to go downhill before telling them - but as a mother I know that I would want to know everything if one of my children were ill.
Such a dilemma - any thoughts or comment really welcome
Barbara
Hi Barbara
Its a tough call…I will just say that you know your parents well,how they have been coping with your illness or not…Your father,as a previous sufferer will know how it feels to be a patient or the one with an illness.Perhaps, you dont need to spell it out to him.It all depends on how and what their mentality is and has been in the past…if you think they cant handle it and they are too fragile and you are ok not talking about it with them,then you dont have to discuss all details.an edited /short version or synopsis would suffice.Its how you feel and how you cope with this that is vital…thats primary.Judge the situation and how your parents are coping with your current recurrence before you give them the full blown account but always prepare yourself.I myself would like to organize things if worst come to worst…that makes me feel normal and satisfied.
Its your call…assess and decide.Good luck on your decision.
Veeluz
I personally would not say anything to them until things got to a stage when they needed to know. The shock of telling them, particularly your father who is frail might do them damage mentally and physically. You (hopefully) could go on for years, and I hope this is what will happen, and they could die ignorantly unaware of the awful situation you find yourself in.
Ofcourse if things start to go downhill, you could and should tell them. You are not actually keeping anything from them anyway as you said they are aware you have had a recurrence and also you are doing well at the moment. But I don’t think they would feel you had deceived them as they would hardly question you if you said things had got bad, as to how long/quickly this had happened, as sadly we all know cancer can be very unpredictable and can change path very rapidly. I hope that helps a little.
I hope you continue to keep well.
Love Jules xxx
Yes hard. Only you know your parents. Age, their own illnesses and fraility are perhaps not the key issues here, but what kind of people they are, how they deal with openness in general.
My parents were both dead before I got cancer. They, and particularly my mother, were bury themselves in euphemism and avoid anything nasty kind of people so I’d have probably been circumspect with them. But I didn’t get on with my mother. By contrast I was very close to my elederly auntie and open with her about my prognosis last year. Sadly she died of cancer herself earlier this year, age 92,
I know loads of younger people who can’t handle death news. I have friends my own age who simply don’t believe me when I tell them my cancer is incurable. I think the issues about being honest are complex.
best wishes whatever you decide.
Jane
Yes, this is a hard one. As Jane said, only you know how your parents handle bad news generally. Are they stoic, are they copers, do they tend to avoid bad news? Your dad is obviously aware what CA can do and the prognosis etc., having suffered himself. I told my mum about my prognosis, but then she had BC herself, and although she is well, is able to cope with bad news. She would have been very sad if I had kept things from her.
Ultimately the choice is yours, very best of luck with whatever decision you come to.
Birgit
Dear Barbara,
I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. My heart goes out to you as this is indeed a very difficult decision to make. From my own experience - my husband was given 6 months maximum at diagnosis, which infact turned into 3 years (it can happen). At the time his 80 year old Mum was in hospital with heart problems. We decided not to tell her the full extent of his prognosis at that time. As time went on and treatment was no longer an option, I think she had drawn her own conclusions anyway and handled it surprisingly well when we told her. This is such an individual and personal decision and only you can access how much you think your parents can handle. I wish you the very best and hope you continue to do well.
Tracey
Dear Barbara,
This must be an awful thing to have to consider. I have had a similar choice to tell my dad the full consequences of my dx.
ALthough he knows that I have cancer and that it has spread I do not think that he truelly appreciates the extent of my condition. I have decided that he (and my stepmum) will get to know as when my health deteriorates and what it means for me. If you are currently keeping well(besides having cancer) then unless you feel the need to be totally frank with them - only you know if they could handle that - then I would let them know that your condition is progressive and that may change rapidly but you will keep them updated to any changes.
Love Kate xx
(We met in May in London)
Dear Manon,
I think your sentece:
“but as a mother I know that I would want to know everything if one of my children were ill”
says so much, but only you know your parents and how well they would be able to cope with the information.
Its a tough call - remember in your parent’s eyes you are and always will be their little girl (no matter how old you get). Best wishes, Jacqui xx
Hi Barbara,
As others have said - it’s a really tough call. I’d just reiterate the question about how they coped with your Dad’s cancer - were they the sort of people who needed all the facts, however bad, in order to allay their worst fears, or did they prefer to keep things vague?
There is a danger that you avoid telling them until they ask, and they avoid asking you in case they upset you!
Is there some way you could allow them to lead the way, and respond to their questions? Do they ask many questions about your illness? Is there a sibling who they may have asked questions of, who you could talk to to guage where they are at in their thinking?
All the very best with this,
love Jacquie
Hi Barbara
I have about 1 minute to make this posting so it will sound very rushed - but might they know already ? I did not have to spell out what secondaries meant to my parents…still trying to cope with this.
love
cathy
My mother is 93, and I have kept her in the picture from the beginning. She would much rather know than be in the dark. Since she thought I had lung cancer, she was mightily relieved to be told it was metastatic breast cancer. Her support has been invaluable throughout my treatments.
Thanks all of you for your very thoughtful and helpful comments. It was in my mind as I’m taking my Mum to the theatre for her birthday and whenever we have a girly outing I wonder how much she knows or guesses. I haven’t spoken of secondaries, just of the cancer coming back. I think you are probably right though Cathy - I expect she has a good idea of the true state of affairs but I suppose she has got used to living day by day with my father’s cancer and is happy just to check up on me from time to time to see if I’m looking well. Her generation found it hard even to say the word cancer aloud. Even now they tend to talk around my father’s cancer in euphimisms.
I think I’ll continue to play it by ear. My father is quite frail and I don’t want to add to his concerns. I suspect he may only have a few years left - in which case why spoil them. He may never have to know the full picture. As for my mother - well with a bit of luck we’ll have a couple of good years together before we have to face up to the inevitable. Fortunately I have 3 sisters, all younger than me and all fit and well so she has plenty of support.
BTW - total change of tack - I’m taking her to see Brief Encounter at the Haymarket. If you want a really lovely tearful girly night out I would thoroughly recommend it. I went with my daughters last month and liked it so much I’m taking my Mum! There is still fun to be had!!!
Hi Kate - thanks for your input. Pretty much hit the nail on the head. That was a nice day in London - think it was the last time the sun shone! Hope you are keeping well.
love to all
Barbara
Mmm! I wish my dad didn’t know, every time I go to see him I have the same old thing about God’s will and how miracles do happen (as an atheist I don’t find this a comfort!) not to mention all the tales about people who have had cancer (any cancer and probably primaries) and lived for years and years. All this I get when he isn’t telling me how all his friends are all dead and he is the ‘only one left’ (am I supposed to sympathise about him getting to a great age?) and he still has my mum!
I have tried to explain my situation but I guess he just doesn’t want to hear, and that is his privilege, but it gets wearing. At least we can talk about it - on his terms. I love him really!
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do
Blondie
I know what you mean about people who insist on telling you that there is a miracle cure around the corner. It just means that they can’t face the truth - whereas we have to! I think it’s just one of those things you have to live with
x
Barbara