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To scream or to cry

22 REPLIES 22
Community Champion

Re: To scream or to cry

Hi Leigh I don't think anyone who hasn't been through this can understand how it impacts on you .I gave up trying to explain to O/H and friends and now I just talk to people who have been though it !Dont give yourself a hard time for not being right yet.I am 18 months on and I think I am only really getting anywhere near "normal" now.R u on Tamoxifen /Letrozole as that can impact on your energy levels and mood .
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

I'm so glad to hear you are 7 months all clear and still wobbling. I am 8 months and in all that time I don't think I've understood how I'll I've been. I've been feeling guilty for not getting well quickly since day 1. And am cross because in a way I've not had the luxury of getting better, feel like I've just soldiered on . And am exhausted. Totally.Did a mindfulness course which I really recommend too. But I still panic and am anxious it's horrible isn't it? I think it's great if your partner listens, mine just panics and gets depressed so I feel I have to put a cheery face on. When does this end? Am I ok to be still freaked out at 8 months? What do I do now? Feel lost without a map. And so depressed and tired...no energy to write a proper post, sorry for going on! Hugs to all going through it.

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

There is usually counsellors available to help you at the place where you are having your chemo. My GP gave me a contact for help at my local hospital. However I have found that doing sessions of Mindfulness meditation for relaxation has helped a lot. This is available on you tube. At times I still struggle and I'm 7 months all clear. What I have been doing for the last 2 weeks to cheer me up is looking for xmas things. If you can't manage to go out if you're tired, make a cup of tea and browse the internet. Take care x

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Lisa it took my body months to calm down after treatment finished, I had been full of anxiety and fear for so long that I couldn't just switch it off, I had constant palpitations and days when I couldn't stand to be alone because my brain would go into over drive, you are still in the throws of treatment and of course your going to feel like this, you do get back to a sense of normality but things are never quite the same, how can they be! I found endlessly talking things through really helped me , luckily my husband was happy to listen,I couldn't just pretend it hadn't happened and never mention it again , counselling sounds like a good idea and they are great here at the forum if you call the helpline Xx Jo 

Community Champion

Re: To scream or to cry

My GP said you can't underestimate the impact of being faced with your own mortality has on you psychologically .
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Thank you ladies for posting!   I seem to be crying at the smallest  things.  I am short tempered with my partner and he says me - you never used to like this Woman Sad I wonder why??

 

As people of mentioned, just because facially  you look good, does not mean you are not screaming insideWoman Mad

 

I am trying to be normal before all this happened, but my life and body will never be the same again and I miss it badly.Woman Sad

 

I am only 3 sessions in of my 6 chemo sessions with 15 rounds of radiation in the New Year.

 

I am waiting for someone to contact me re counselling as it appears that I am not coping with the whole process, It will be interesting if anyone contacts me.Woman Sad 

 

Community Champion

Re: To scream or to cry

If you look at the main site and search for events near you it will tell you when the next moving forward course near you is .
Community Champion

Re: To scream or to cry

Hi Cath, once all the drama is over people think it's done and dusted and we should just be getting on with our lives but it is a lot easier said than done .Once treatment is over I think it really hits you that you have had a potentially life threatening illness and it takes time to get over this .Dont give yourself a hard time for struggling .There are "moving forward courses" that BCC run that may help if there is one near you ,think there details are posted in this section of the site when they have new courses set up.
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Your post puts in words precisely how I'm feeling. Anger comes up towards those I should respect. Trying to increase exercise but feel quite isolated. People rallied round when I told them I had DCIS but now I'm through the treatment it's as If I've disappointed them by recovering.
Community Champion

Re: To scream or to cry

Hi all, 

I've mentioned this in other threads, if any of you are interested there is an app 'Yoga Studio' 

I it use almost every day, it has a range of classes for all abilities, including relaxation meditation. It is well explained & has good reviews.

x

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

I totally agree about the 'friends'. So many people say 'you look really well' and think you're back to normal, they just don't understand. My best friend blanked me the whole time, no contact at all since my diagnosis this time last year. I haven't got the plague. However, I have some new friends who have helped more than I could have imagined. And I have my yoga dvd now, ready to get going.

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Hello all! Yoga.... O my word , what an absolute sanity saver yoga can be ! My teacher has taught me some exercises to combat the fight or flight reflex, you know when you feel so tightly strung and anxious and emotionally exhausted? They may even be on the Internet I guess. And yes, mindfulness too. And to be honest ignoring the well meaning friends who think that now I'm "over" cancer I should feel the need to jump out out of aeroplanes with a bit of fabric tied to my back and work through my bucket list.... Oh dear, I've started ranting ...again...
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Thank you riversidedawn. It was really comforting hearing what you had to say. I have already considered yoga and have ordered a dvd which comes recommended. I will definately try the things that you found helpful from the internet. I am coping reasonably well with the new tablets atm, the symptoms I experience I'm told will gradually ease. The depression is also being caused by being on my own, so hopefully things will improve as I find relaxing things to fill the bad times, like in the evening. I have just been given the ok to play sport again, but very carefully, this is like music to my ears.

 

I am pleased your life is getting better now and you have been a good help to me.x

 

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Hi ladies, I'm two years post dx (sept 14). Had mx, implant recon (5 ops due to complications), 6 months of chemo and rads. Started on tamoxifen which made my flushed and depression much worse. Moved on to zoladex and anastrazole which still didn't agree with me. I stopped all meds in July.

I'm not advocating stopping meds, it's just what I had to do for my sanity and quality of life - and that of my family.

This year I have also had counselling, attended Macmillan Hope course (a bit like group therapy working through all the issues to help you move on), found a hospice with a drop in day offering advice, reiki and chats with other women in the same situation. I also do yoga and get out walking every day.

This last 6 months I have made huge progress, don't know if it's time is the healer, or a combination of the above but there really is hope in the future. I've even started a new job after 2 years out of work.

During rads I discovered Yoga Nidra which is like guided meditation/mindfulness/ visualisation. You can download free from the internet. I loaded onto my phone and plugged myself in whenever I needed to calm and relax. Listen to a few as there are different styles - visualisation / deep breathing / guided whole body relaxation,

Sorry to waffle on! Hope some of this is useful to you. There is light at the end of the dark dark tunnel but you have to work a bit to get to it. Xx
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

While Frankish and Hollie I've read your message with interest , I'm 5 months post chemo rads mas, and think I feel worse now. Am also on leztrozole , which was changed to a different brand after 3 months, still got aches and pains , not quite as bad. Got the headaches and feel miserable fed up and yuk most of the time , I to,live on my own , so I think that is quite hard . Some days I just think I'm never going to well again X now I'm moaning and ranting ha ha xx I'm also quite breathless, not all the time though sort of comes and goes. I was told it's all to to do with rads , so I feel that quite scary , will that ever get better I wonder , love and hugs to all xx 

 

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

I am currently having Herceptin till Jan and Exemestane hormone tablets. Couldn't manage Letrozole, made me very ill. Am at home on my own due to kids at Uni. Have a part time job which does help to take my mind off things, but having bouts of depression, I feel fed up that cancer got to me, not managing to look at my body due to mastectomy and finding it difficult to keep positive at times when I'm alone in an empty house.I am tired and ache all the time. Am interested in Mindfullness, it maybe something that can help. Would love to find out about it if anyone can help please. I use music to relax and going to start and swim soon. Money is an issue so anything I can do without too much expense is great.

 

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

I really thought I would not be affected with the stress worry etc when radiotherapy ended although the nurse did warn me of this but oh my it really has hit me like a tonne of bricks. The anxiety/worry are my big ones. Take care guys and all the lovely folk on here have said it dos settle. xxxx Mary
Member

Re: To scream or to cry

So nice to hear we are all going through a process and not going mad. I'm finding it very difficult managing mood swings and trying to stay positive for family when am exhausted and sore six months after treatment. Mac Milan put me in touch with a mindfulness course which does seem to help. Basically lots of deeep breathing to kid your body that you are calm and so stop it making adrenaline. When your mind wanders bring it back to concentrating on breathing. May well be more to it than that, but that seems to be basically it. A few deep breaths while the kettle boil works wonders! Mind you I still have days when I can't move for crying. This is horrible. When does it end!

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Thanks everyone for your support. It's just so frustrating isn't it. It's a nice day here & I want to go out but I don't want to go out as I just feel tired & miserable. I've heard mindfulness is helpful I shall look to see if there's anything in my area. I feel I've wasted this year getting through the treatment & now I'm wasting it sat at home moping. But I will take all your advice on board. Thank you again xx

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Dear Anita

 

It really is part of the process.  I was diagnosed in 2012 so much further down the line.  I am still taking Letrazole and left with a lot of ongoing effects from Chemo.  However like you i am aware that people will only be tolerant for so long and actually i found after shouting at people or being intolerant i then used to ruminate on it and that was upsetting to me.....

 

I currently practice Mindfulness, not an instant cure but helpful and also had Counselling.  None of this cures the awful mood swings, hot flushes or headaches but does make me more aware of situations in which i am going to respond in a way i will regret and enables me to take myself out of the situation, think differently and not get so upset.

 

I have also taken to emailing or writing.  We moved house recently and BT,  Talk Talk and our Local Authority (Council Tax) have been a nightmare.  I was so upset following a number of phone calls where i cried, shouted and still got no result. I have since written to all of these and this is much less stressful.

 

Crying, shouting and feeling stressed is not good for my health.......

 

Please talk with GP, MacMillian, Maggies or Cancer Support Centre to look for support away from your family and with professionals who understand..... and as the other ladies have said come on here, shout on here... the ladies here understand completely.....

 

Take Care  Butterfly x

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Dear Anita

 

Please don't feel awful, moan away to us on here if you need to, we can take it. Sometimes you just need to 'let it all out' rather than bottling everything up. If it is any consolation I remember being exactly the same when I was undergoing treatment. People try their best to help but I think that they can only fully empathise if they have been through it themselves, they don't realise just how tough it can be so sorry but they'll just have to cut you a bit of slack at this time, so there. I am sure that lots of people do care about you. Don't be so hard on yourself, just concentrate on what you need and getting better.

Member

Re: To scream or to cry

Sorry to hear you are suffering from mood swings.  Please don't beat yourself up about it. You have been through a very stressful time & it could well be the hormone therapy if you are on that too.  Just apologise to people after & explain it's the medication.  Hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

Member

To scream or to cry

I feel awful moaning when I know people on here are really suffering but getting so fed up of my hormones. One day I'm happy as Larry getting on with my life, the next I'm screaming & shouting at my husband or I'm in floods of tears feeling no one cares & life isn't fair. If it carries on I'll either have no marriage or no friends as I think everyone is getting fed up of me. The slightest stupidest thing can set me off. Thanks for letting me have a moan. X