Not having a good day today - started yesterday with insensitive comments from someone. They were really sorry afterwards and other people around me very sympathetic.
But, I really want my breast back - don’t mind it having the scar from WLE which was first op a long time ago, but I want my breast back. Eight months since mx - and I want my breast back with the nipple ok. It’ not been properly ok since before the WLE. WLE wasnt for paget’s, it was for dcis. Mx was for paget’s. I want my breast back folks. I don’t want a reconstruction EVER, and I certainly don’t want a nipple made. I want my breast back - it can have the WLE scar, but I want my original, non gammy nipple on my own breast. Why can kids stamp their feet and have a paddy, and it’s ok, cos they’re little. They dont get what they want though and I wont either.
I know *exactly* what you mean! There are days when I feel the same, especially after someone says something thoughtless and stupid.
Sending you a cyber hug!
Nymeria x
Hi Shelly I had a WLE and SNB in April and start Rads July 6th. I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel at the moment, although I’ve had my ‘wobbly’ moments too in the last couple of months. Some people can be very insensitive can’t they, but I just put that down to either ignorance or pure stupidity now.
I’m sending you lots of ((((Hugs)))) and promise you will get through this.
Eunice x
p.s. If you want to chat send me a pm.
Thankyou Nymeria and Eunice - I feel I am too much today, n everything seems overwhelming. Pictures keep coming into my mind how my nipple and aureola looked before the surgery. Am my own worst enemy today for sitting here like this. Am going to go and put on one of favourite dresses.
Thanks so much for replying!
hi all, i know how u all feel. my onc upset me 2day. had 2 b marked up 4 booster rads. i know i only had wle and feel grateful 4 that but when marking my boob was talkin away 2 the nurse and said “ooh easy 2 mark up, u can see the flat area and u can get two fingers into the area whwre the tumour was” felt like saying,“yes i no love,its my breast, i look at it every day” cowbag!! love to all alex xxx
Oh Alex, that’s absolutely awful - mine was slightly different to that, but perhaps what we both felt was that we couldn’t say anything at the time cos we felt vulnerable, hurt and angry.
I’ve felt very alone today, in spite of the support I got from those around me yesterday, but I don’t feel alone now having posted on here, and heard that (albeit sadly) there are others feeling just like me.
And Alex - it wasn’t ONLY a wle - I know just where you’re coming from in saying that you’re grateful it was wle - but it’s not about the size of the surgery, it’s about the impact on how we think of our bodies when we’ve had breast tissue removed and are left with a scar.
I was just as devastated when I had the WLE - afterwards I would look at bras in shops with a friend and have to come away after only a little while, cos the pretty bras reminded me that my breast looked different/not as nice as it had done.
Alex, going back to your hospital visit, do you think you could have a word with them next time you’re there, and say how you felt. Or perhaps even phone up today and speak to them? Or, could your bcn say something on yr behalf? If you’re anything like me, yesterday I couldn’t have confronted the person - someone else did so for me. Perhaps you don’t want to do anything about it, but if you did, there are these ways of doing so - you could even write it down and show them, or print off what you’ve written here, excluding your screen name from the print off.
Love to you Alex, n to everyone else too! xxx
Hi Shelley
I sympathise so much with you. People tell me I’m lucky because I had lumpectomy combined with mastopexy (a boob reduction & lift) and the result is pert and neat. But like you I want my old boobs back. They were big, soft, sagging, etc, but they were MINE and part of me for a long time.
Sarah x
Sarah, thankyou so much for your reply. You’ve given me a different perspective, because my remaining boob was my “least favourite” as it was slightly smaller - I’d have loved to have been a bit bigger boobed. But now, with you saying that about wanting your old breasts back because they were yours - well somehow, it’s made me like my remaining breast, whereas before I felt quite ambivalent about it.
I don’t know if I’ve explained properly to you here what I mean, but I do feel some comfort from your reply, and I’m sorry that you’d love to have your old boobs back, just like me.
I know I’ve repeated myself with the same phrases in that first post here - I really needed to let rip and say all that. I still feel quite sad, and keep crying, and then trying to motivate myself to at least get up of the settee or come off the computer and do something to take my mind off how I’m feeling today.
I really do feel quite low at the moment - I think that person’s negative comments to me yesterday have really set the ball rolling with what would have probably poured out of me at some future time anyway.
Tomorrow, I’m going to visit relatives - I couldn’t talk to them about this, so I hope I’m feeling better by then. Tomorrow’s another day as they say!
Please ladies, if anyone else has lovely words to say, like the ladies who have already posted, then I’d really appreciate it.
Shelley xx
Hi Shelly,
I had several bad days where i longed to have my boob back. One day in particular i cried the whole day.
Felt a total fool. So you are feeling just as you would expect. It will get better honestly.
I have had my appointment through this week to see the plastic surgeon soon, so that has cheered me up.
Just to say that i am thinking of you anyway.
All the best from Angie
Thankyou Angie - that’s me today, cry cry cry. Like now! It’s a relief when I know I’m not on my own. Keep thinking I have to motivate myself to do something today. Just not done so. Sorry you cried for a whole day as well, but thankyou very much for posting here to tell me so. I keep thinking I’m feeling better, then it comes on again. xx
PS So glad u have your appt through for plastic surgeon. I know they can do such wonderful reconstructions - it’s just not what I want for myself though. I hope you don’t have long to wait for the op, once you’ve discussed which type of reconstruction you want. Luv xx
Thanks Shelly thats really kind of you. I remember now i did ring the BCC helpline and they said it was very normal to feel this way. I do hope it gets better for you to very soon.
All the best from Angie.
I’ve phoned the bc line today - they said to me too that it’s normal to feel like this.
I’ll be glad when today is over xxx
Hi there,
i will be saying ‘goodbye’ to my right boobie on friday, its looks bad at the moment as i have wle scar but i still have my boob,
im so sorry you feel so lonely and sad, im sending you a bigggg hug and maybe tomorrow when you are out you may have a moment when you ‘forget’
take care bab
Donna
xxx
thanks shelley, good luck. thinking of u alex xxxx
I’m thinking of you too Alex, so please take care of yourself! xx
I’ve managed to forget for a few minutes Donna, and it’s lovely. I think I’m going to be able to do something tonight now, other than just sit and keep crying. It’s gud to be feeling better than I did. If I can keep like this, hopefully those images will keep at bay and I’ll continue to feel more like myself.
Donna, I’ll be thinking of you on Friday - the mx is daunting, but IS doable, n this post here is proof that however bad any of us may feel at any time, it IS possible for the blue skies to return. Mine are returning because of all you lovely people on here today - thankyou all of you, and many hugs to you all!! xx
Hi Shelley
I so know how you feel right now.
I had a left mastectomy in September 2009 and a RUBBISH recon afterwards, to the point where i have to have it all done again by someone else!
I too long for my breastm with NIPPLE, not this horrid ugly mound that i have sitting there, god i hate it with a passion.
I have had loads of down days, and just wish that the stupid lump had never reared its ugly head!
Sending you some cyber support…
xxx
Hi Shelley
I’m so pleased that you thought that my comments helped.
I think it just takes time to “take ownership” (awful corporate speak, but you know what I mean) of your “new” breasts. I look in the mirror at mine and think “yes they look great” but they’re not me - yet. I’m 11 months on from the initial BC surgery and 8 months from having the other side matched up and I’m still coming to terms with it.
Sarah x
I started today feeling so alone and that I didn’t know how I’d manage to get myself out of how I was feeling - and now I’m really feeling so much better. It’s lovely.
Naz, you are so right - IF ONLY none of us had developed our lumps, and that things could have stayed the same, and we’d still have our two breasts. I hope you get a date for your second reconstruction soon - I really feel for you having a mound which is horrible and which you don’t want. Please take care, and thank you for your caring comments xxxx
All your cyber support has worked ladies - I’m going to be able to go to bed and rest - and sleep - tonight, unlike last night.
Sarah, it’s horrible looking down at a different chest to what we’ve had - there’s just no date/time for when we’ve come to terms with the new us, is there! My bcn told me it would take me and my body between one to two years to recover, n so far, she’s been right. Take care Sarah xxx
Thank you so much to you ALL for your lovely comments and support today! xxxx
Hi Shelley,
So sorry you’re having such a tough day. I only had my mx 10 weeks ago and have just started chemo so I have yet to discover where my feelings will eventually fall once the dust has settled and the white knuckle ride eventually slows in a few months. I won’t be having reconstruction for at least 18 months yet, so I will probably have plenty of down days to come.
When the dark days do arrive, and I’m sure they will, I will be on here, looking for words of wisdom from all of the lovely ladies on here.
I hope that your ‘up’ days outweigh the ‘down’ days and hope that you take comfort from the fact that you are not alone. There is nothing I can say which may ease your pain today, I wish there was, but I hope that the clouds lift soon for you.
Sending you a cuddle this evening
Bev x