Hie
Sending this out to cyberspace, have to get it out.
Finished rads today, thought I would be pleased and over the moon having finished 7 months of surgery, chemo and rads. Found myself lying on the table being zapped and couldn’t stop crying. Cried for a good 20 minutes couldn’t understand why. I had told myself in my head that i was happy that the treatment was coming to an end and that this means " iam getting back to normal", when I realised there is no “normal” anymore. When you are going through treatment, you have your various hospital appointment dates logged onto your calender and you sort of know whats going to happen, but now I feel so lost, I don’t know if i am ready to go back to work, financially it would be a good idea, but then I am not too sure ifts too soon, how do i know ??? I dont know if I can be at home all the time what wil I do with myself? I am sick of daytime tv, books magazines music, redecorating and just being still. Its like I don’t know me anymore, i don’t know what I am ready for and not ready for… AAAAAGHHHHHHHH its so confusing. Its all these feelings all these emotions, on one hand i feel I am lucky I have come through this and I keep feeling my life deserves to be better than what it was before this. I owe it to me not to go back to way I lived pre BC, it was all just rush, rush - you go to work, school run, pay bills same thing over and over. I just keep thinking It has to change, i can’t have gone through all of this just to be the same???
Maybe its me just being emotional but it has been such an anticlimax. My friends want us to go out and celebrate and I feel like such a boring so and so. They are more excited than i am that I have finished! Who knows maybe I will get some sort of enlightment along the way (I hope so soon).
Hi im about to finish my rads, and im planning to give myself some time to work out exactly how i feel, you have just finished a journey you didnt expect to take and you dont know where you have ended up, i feel like a completely different person to who i was before, and i cant just snap my fingers and go back to my old life, maybe you just need to take a few days out? does this make sense?
Anna
Dear Mouse
I’ll be starting radiotherapy on Monday, but went through some pretty unexpected emotions on planning day. Reading your posting I completely and utterly understand how you are feeling, and I am sure that there are many many others out there with similar emotions of looking into a void. You have been through so much, and now need a period of recovery and rediscovery of the you you are now, and what you want for your future. But these things take a long time, and this is surely now a time to be really gentle with yourself. Don’t be afraid of your emotions, I am sure they are very very normal. We must be so “psyched up” all the time for the next treatment we have to go through, or the next appointment, sometimes you just have to let it all go and have a very, very good cry. I hope they were lovely to you! There is a wonderful article on the feelings that often accompany the end of treatment and it is often quoted here, and I hope someone will post it up for you. Perhaps in a while you will feel like a celebration with your friends just to congratulate yourself on getting through this gruelling last few months, but for now just take each day gently and slowly and remember we are always here for you. Let us know how the next few weeks go for you. Love Sarah
Hi Mouse
It’s my last rads booster today. Like you I thought I would feel on top of the world. I think we need to give ourselves time to reflect on this whole journey also the fact that your treatment has finished and what happens next. I was going to crack open the champagne tonight but now I am not sure. It doesn’t help that my skin has all broken down and is very painful. Take it easy and cry if you feel like it. It’s no good bottling up all those emotions. You have done brilliantly getting to the end of this, it’s just a case of coming to terms with all that’s happened to you.
All the very best to you
Rarebird63
Hi everyone
Just wanted to mention that sometimes it can help to talk through how you are feeling, if anyone would like to do this please remember you can always call the BCC helpline as the staff are happy to offer a ‘listening ear’. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm and
Saturday, 9am - 2pm.
I hope this helps
Kind regards
Sam
BCC Facilitator
Hi Mouse,
After Rads finished I felt in limbo. You have months of treatments, surgery etc and feel that you are under the watchful eye of a medical team. After that apart from 3 monthly Onc visits you are on your own. After you have been under the BC cloud for many months its hard to try to get back to normality.
I took another 2 months sick after my rads finished before I started back to work on a phased return. I am starting to feel a bit more normal but I have lightened the load a bit. Like I dont take the kids to as many after school activites as before, I dont cook as much as i did and my Husband does more in the house.
I didnt start posting on here until post Rads because of how I felt, and when you know that it is common to feel like this and you can pour things out you feel better. You will have this BC shadow with you for a long time but the shadow does get smaller.
Best wishes to you
love Andrea x
My BCN referred me to the cousellor in the oncology department as I had a big low after finishing treatment. I thought I had coped very well with everything, and then threw back into life as I think I was scared of there being a vacuum after treatment. I tried to go back to work too quickly, and tried to be the same as I was before without really giving myself time to realise how this had changed me and what I wanted to do with my life. I finished treatment in Dec and am now back at work pretty much full time and am managing pretty well. The counselling really helped me to talk everything through and also helped me to balance the pretty extreme highs and lows I was having.
I know it’s a cliche, but truly try to take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself. Give yourself space and time. I was told that I was experiencing something like post traumatic stress, as you are so focused on getting through treatment etc then it’s only afterwards you realise how frightened, sad and stressed you’ve been. I found finishing a whole new challenge I hadn’t really been expecting. You’ve done so well to get through all this.
xx
Hi Mouse,
You will find this link all over this website:
cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf?openElement
It’s to an article called ‘After the Treatment Finishes - Then What?’
It describes just what you are feeling. Have a read of it, I am sure it will make you feel better about the way you feel
Hi mouse,
I finished rads at the end of nov, and although I still have 5 years (well 4 1/2 now) of Tamoxifen and 2 years of Zoladex ahead of me I do understand how you feel. In fact, I’m still not back at work yet, having been off since I was diagnosed in march last year!! It was my intention to return in jan, but I soon came to realise that I wasn’t ready mentally or physically. I decided not to be too hard on myself and put unnecessary pressure on me, so remained off work. Since then I’ve actually been diagnosed with heart failure and so the Herceptin I was having immediately got stopped. So, now its my heart thats stopping me from getting back to work at the mo. Right now I have no idea when I’ll be going back!
The thing is, like you say, nothings ‘normal’ anymore. We go through so much, emotionally and physically, then its like suddenly we have to put it all behind us and pick up where we left off, which is impossible. When you have treatment your life literally revolves around hospital visits, for scans/bloods/appts/treatment and so on. The calendar is full, culiminating for many indaily visits for rads, then suddenly that all stops. I definately felt in limo land when this happened. Quite uncertain as to my ‘next move’. Suddenly I felt out of my comfort zone, and I thought people wanted me to ‘just get over’ what had happened and get on with my life.
So, I’m afraid I have no answers for you to your question ‘what do I do now??’ cause to be honest I’m still thinking that myself! I did have counselling throughout chemo and have recenty started having it again, to try to make sense of it all. Perhaps you would benefit from this?
Sorry I can’t help you, but sending a ‘cyber hug’ (((((o))))),
Take care,
Kelly
-x-