Ness 1 - hope you have a really great night. x
Had the "you don't look like there is anything wrong with you" on the school run today. Did not want to whip off my t-shirt to show my mx/flap reconstruction on the playground/or talk about not sleeping &state of mind......Not sure what everyone expects to see when you are in the middle of treatment?xxTina
You are so right. Up until a couple of weeks ago my eldest daughter hadn't seen my head at all, & even though I told her it was covered now she just couldn't look at it. But she came over with her wee boy, who will be 3 next month, & I was uncovered when he came in. His reaction was 'Oh granny you've had a haircut. That's pretty.'
Diwy, so glad you did go wigless - its a bit scary at first but they do get over it!
My nephew congratulated me at the weekend because I don't look like his dad anymore (he's bald, and we did look spookily alike at christmas). Nephew is 9, his 6 year old sister says I'm starting to look perfect again (inaccurate but sweet). I find the honesty of children so charming, and they have never said anything thoughtless or unkind - just completely honest. Its lovely!
Hi Everyone, some of these comments are funny and some are just downright insulting, especially the one about not taking any time off work for ten years (like you're doing it deliberately). Because I had a bit of good news last week when my liver functio improved, everbody seems to think 'That's it, she's better' - Someone said, 'Oh, I knew you'd beat it' - When I tried to explain for the hundreth time that No, I can't beat it, it's secondary, but I'll give it a run for it's money, she turned away because she didn't want to hear that and I was left talking to the back of her head. I think in future when anyone asks, I'll just say I'm fine and that'll be the end of it. - Still never mind, we all know what we're going through and we've all got each other for support, so have a great day everyone and pamper yourselves, we all deserve it. Lotsa love, Dianne. - ness 1, have a fab time at the Ball. x x x
I am going to a ball on Friday and today was showing my new dress to my sis-in-law she says 'you look fab, who'd of thought we all thought you were at deaths door 2 years ago' She always had a directness but surely this one takes the buscuit!
Divvy well done I admire your spirit and continued sense of humour. Its great if we can keep it in perspective and try to forgive people their thoughtless comments if theyre unintentional. I've not braved going wigless in public yet, having only about 1mm of growth, expect for the gym changing rooms today, but give me a couple of weeks and I will let the air get to my head. When I went for my radiotherapy today the Radiographer said "oooh you do suit red, I love red on blondes I had to smile and nearly whipped off the long blonde wig and waved my grey stubble at her (shorter than the piccy yet, that was taken just pre the final fallout in January ) 🙂 But she was being really kind and trying to make me feel good I'm sure, so hey-ho maybe tomorrow!!
keep smiling everyone, ...and keep posting the comments.
love Carol. x
Hi Alex & all
Well I've done it. Big, brave me ! The other ladies in the office were very nice about it. My boss said 'You've had your hair short before & you suited it.' I have tried to explain the difference between having a choice in the matter or not. Anyway I'm sure everyone will soon be used to it.Even the one person who asked if my wig was away being styled didn't upset me.
Later in the morning one of the ladies was bemoaning her aches & pains (legitimately, she's recently had a knee replaced), with the comment that hitting 50 is no fun at all. Well, I said, it beats the alternative.
Comment for Divvy1 - hope your shock tactics work!
Comment for marial about the colleague who was such a saint for not taking any time off work for ten years - you shouldn't feel the tiniest bit guilty! I know it is one of those things where you only think of a suitable reply when the moment has passed but I would have been inclined to knock it right back to her and say something like, "Well, who has been a very lucky bunny then?" SHE is the one who should feel guilty.
I'll supply the the soapy water and scrubbing brush and you can wash her mouth out LOL!
I never know whether I should lie & pretend to feel worse than I do or what. Some folk seem quite offended by the fact I'm still functioning. At the same time I don't think they really want to know about the constant pain, & the unimaginable sadness.
They think they're being so upbeat too when they say how fab your wig is.
Went back to work 3 weeks ago & today am going WITHOUT the wig!!
(At least I think I am, don't have to leave for 1 hour.)
So I may be back on this thread this afternoon, with a whole lot of new & original comments.
Heather, I loved the one about your sister & the brush. I don't have a sister but I have 2 daughters, & I can imagine that so well.
"Oh, but you look so WELL!!"
I know it's meant as a compliment, but.
Firstly, you ain't seen inside of my shirt, that's not so pretty.
Second, the days i feel like cr*p you don't get to see me
Lastly, if being off sick of my job makes me look so much better, so that having cancer, major surgery and rads beats working for the ***, what does that say about my job then? Oh dear, oh dear.
I've got a couple. One happy one sad.
Quick as a flash one of my sisters said to me when I told her about my diagnosis "If you have to have chemo can I have your brush?" this made me laugh so much it goes back to when we were kids and she always stole mine and anyone else brush she could get her hands on as she is always brushing her hair.
The second one was a few days ago I am up to chemo 5 tomorrow and I was getting frustrated with my OH trying to open something and went to take it off him to do it for him and he said "Hang on keep your hair on" and then a look of horror came on his face as the tears rolled down mine.
Walking the dog thursday morning, one of the regulars asked me how I was getting on, had I finished my treatment, at the time I had 5 more rads to do, so I replied I wasn't too bad and was very lucky as a lot of ladies are a lot worse off than me......to which a lady who I had never met but was walking with us replied, "yes dead"....not exactly who I was thinking off
Had to go to the dental hospital the day before my chemo re-starting because of a tooth infection. The dentist poke around but couldn't clean all the infection out because I was screaming too much. In the end, she sent me home with some antibiotics and told me that I probably have to make the decision whether to save my tooth or myself!!!! What a decision to make!! Thanks for that!!!!
I was with a group of work mates and had to announce to them that I would be off work for a month or two for health reasons and I was sorry, as I was off work this time last year too (I took time off to look after my husband who died, and then to look after myself). One of then said," well I have not had a day's sick off work for 10 years and no one thanks me for that". Oh the guilt I felt at that moment
Just got back froma family wedding. I was talking to a nephew yesterday who is a pharmacologist. He was asking me about my treatment and I was sharing my adventures on Tamoxifen and Femara when my sister in law chimed in with 'Well I'm not on any medication and I don't intend to be. I've always looked after myself'
Good job we can pick our friends. You have to laugh or you'd cry.
Love to you all. Onwards and upwards.
ps have just realized I still have my December wedding pic on here with real hair which doesnt really represent the current me, so am changing it now to one just before I lost the last few millimetres. I have VERY SLIGHT hair growth again now, prob about 0.5 mm so ever onwards. love to everyone and keep smiling 🙂 x
oh dear Kat bet that really pushed your buttons!! I really dont think people mean to be unkind, he probably didnt notice you had a health problem unless he knows you personally. We went out the other night on the motorbike so obviously I go bald under the crash helmet and popped into the pub for a drink so of course removed helmet and donned a baseball cap which covers nothing much. A chap at the bar said to me "I noticed you here the other day and thought that hairstyle was a hell of a fashion statement"!! 🙂
Just been to Morrisons and was in the queue to put the lottery on. When the young lad served me he said "And how are you today?" to which I replied "not bad". (I actually look like c*&p and my bandana does wonders for my confidence - not!!! Anyway he then went on to say "well you have to be don't you, because when you think there are people who have illnesses and are a lot worse off than us".....ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just looked at him and took my ticket and left.
I have just had the best laugh in years, some of these comments are hilarious. I don't suppose anyone means to offend (or maybe they do!) I loved Electric Landlady and her 'Sign your life away' comment! Both feet... also Diw1 and the 'batting for the other side' - guaranteed to make you feel really good about yourself (Not) I've had a couple myself recently. I've had six weekly treatments of taxotere (liver and spine secondaries) and so far I've lost only a few eyelashes. My hair is still hanging in there (literally) and at the weekend someone said to me that I might as well have it all shaved off because it's in such bad condition anyway - thanks for that. The other was that someone told me I'm starting to look porky - I've put 2lbs on and I'm a size 10! I'm going to read this every day, it's really put a smile on my face even with my crappy hair, peeling fingernails and reduced eyelashes. Lotsa love, Dianne x x x
Sally can I be next in the queue after AlexG. She is the selfish one sounds like attention seeking to me. You rant away as much as you like, and perhaps you need to enlist your OH's ear about the magnitude of what you have been and are going through. Pulled a muscle in her chest my eye.LOL Jackie
I've learned that keeping schumm and putting up with it doesn't do any good.
I did that for 27 years and if there's one good thing to come out of my BC it's the courage to stand up for myself and say what I think, not in a nasty way just stating my case.
Yesterday was such a day when I had my say and last night, for the first time, my step-daughter phoned and said she agreed with what I had said...... result.
Don't put up with it Scally it'll only fester and make you unhappy.
Hugs to you
Wow Scally! You don't need to deal with such a spoilt brat. You rock the boat as much as you like. Sounds like she could benefit from a good slap - can I be first in the queue?
Not quite sure if this is relevant but the night I came home after my mx, my partner was away and so his 21 year old daughter and lodger had there to do's. Cups of tea dinner etc.... When the daughter came home from work, she sat on the end of the bed crying that she had pulled a muscle in her chest and was having trouble breathing, theres me feeling like shite with drains coming out of me. Well to cut a long story short she was signed off for a week with the same pain killers as me and just laid on the sofa so I had to make her food and drinks. My other half really thought she was poorly but there wasnt anything wrong with her. Its a shame that since that day she has made snide comments and the newest since ive been on chemo is im selfish. I dont want to rock the boat at home so I keep my mouth firmly shut. But i am upset and cant believe how nasty she has become and at 21 too. There had my rant and feel a bit better for it.
Went to my daughters on Friday, & actually got a lift there with the hairdresser who does both our hair at home (but mine not so much recently). Anyway my daughter was having highlights for the first time for ages, & on the way my hairdresser told me she hadn't been able to have them while I was losing/had lost my hair, as she felt so bad, she'd barely been able to have a trim. She hadn't told me any of this herself.
Last week, on the way out to radiotherapy, my next door neighbour was going past, when he knew where I was going he said, "well it's not to bad nowadays is it, at least your still walking", he is a good generation in front of me lol
oh thats a classic too my love. Funnily enough I am just as we speak having a messenger chat with my 20 year old daughter who is bemoaning the fact that she had her hair cut today and the hairdresser has taken too much off - its only shoulder length now 🙂 I WISH!!! She hasnt cottoned on yet to the fact that she is talking to her badger bald mother who would kill for just a couple of strands!!
take care. C x
This is amazing. I Laughed,cried & cringed as well.It true some people think we are idiots!! The other day while out at the local shop,somebody who know's me was amazed & Shocked my crime I was out
A L O N E ,nobody was with me.
The other day when I told my daughters it was time for my hair to go, my 17yr old one said "that's good mum then you won't be malting all over !!!.
Thanks for all the laughts.
Ladies I have only just come across this thread and having spent so much time in tears (sad ones) I have been laughing out loud at some of the cringe making, crass comments you report.Vallee I actually got an e-mail from my female GP last Dec saying 'I must be so pleased that I had gone for my routine mammogram!' Well no actually my life was just settling down after a divorce and getting a new job! Then to compound matters her receptionist queried why I should be allowed to have a swine flu jab ( recommended by Onc before chemo started) as I wasn't on their priority list when told she started laughing!Cathy 59 Oh how I wish I was as quick witted in replying as you were about the social life and the other comments about getting your moneys worth out of the NHS.And if just one more person says to me 'It will grow back you know'I might be on the Forum from a prison cell. 'the batting for the other side' comment was also laugh out loud too. Have told so few people that I do not really get too many crass comments to report and the ones I had are from people who really should know better. Thanks for putting a smile on my face in the nicest possible way as I would not gloat at these comments being made. Just thanks for sharing good and not so good times LOL to all Jackie
Cathy that was Brilliant I am laughing my socks off and about to be thrown out of the library!! I am missing my NHS colleagues so much that i am sending them your post to laugh at too, it's so good to get the view from the other side. They keep asking how I am getting on, yours just says it all so well! Thankyou!
I've been reading this thread and having a good giggle but until this weekend couldn't think of anything as funny or insensitive as these to contribute. I was at a house warming at the weekend for an old friend where I was chatting to someone I have known for a long time but not particularly well. She has had a hard time with a divorce, single motherhood and nervous breakdown since I last saw her several years ago. We were discussing how her attitude to life had changed when she turned to me and said that 'at lesat I knew I was going to die so could make the most of my time'. I really didn't know what to say and I think she realised what she had said. At least she didn't prefix it with 'you are lucky'.
I'm far too polite to respond with what came into my head!
Thanks - that's so funny, especially the bit about seeing how flat your boobs will go.
These have made me laugh out loud. My absolute favourite is this from Lazydaisy1:
" you mustn't be frightened Nanny - you go in this long tunnel and when you come out the other end you'll look just like Kylie Minogue" .
I must keep that fixed firmly in my head and I'm sure it'll come true......
There is hope ladies. I'm told that there is a new version of the snazzy gown being rolled out across the country. Now we can look super stylish on those special occasions. It fastens up the side and has velcro to make it easier for those of us lucky enough to have numb fingers. No more fumbling with ties that won't tie. Happy days!
Cathy 59, your post was the funniest thing I read for such a long time, I laughed all the way through, & considering how easy it is to cry these days that's certainly something.
Oh Cathy you have given me such a laugh this morning I'd never looked at the NHS as something that had given me a social life before. I too have to have one of those special outings next week one that I have put off since my BC diagnosis last September.
When I booked my smear appointment last week I was told by the doctors receptionist (and we all know how lovely they can be!) that I shouldn't have left it so long before making my appointment,I don't think she saw the funny side of it when I said that as I had been dealing with BC for seven months I couldn't face having both ends looked at at the same time!
Good job we have kept our sense of humour through all this isn't it girls!
ok a classic here just to lighten the mood as this one was TOTALLY unintentional, from a really lovely sensitive man. It was our good pal Geoff who popped round the other day. We are all bikers and he was admiring my husbands BMW GS on which we tour abroad and we were extolling its virtues and especially the load that can be carried in its panniers. Geoff and Dave are both bald as coots, and me even more so at the moment. Geoff looked at me and said "so lots of room for you to pack your hairdryer then". Cue look of abject horror from him and explosive laughter from us. Not sure which was funnier, his comment or the look of horror on his face - he's such a love. 🙂
Sorry to laugh about the getting your money's worth gag and especially the comment about getting you out of the house. Yes, you can say, cancer has really helped my social life improve. Just think, I have had bed and breakfast in a lovely hospital ward, all for free and then a nice trip to the theatre. I made lots of nice new friends including surgeons, anaethetists and numerous nurses whom I would never had the chance to meet if I hadnt had cancer. Then as a real treat, I got lots and lots of exciting visits to the radiotherapy department. There, I got to dress up in beautiful, flattering gowns and parade in front of a full waiting room with it gaping open which was just side splittingly funny for all concerned! Then, the best bit - I got to lie down for few minutes in a nice dark room listening to cheesy music and stretching muscles that I had never had before. You would never get that at some spa day. Even better, twice a year, I get to go back to the hospital and have my breasts squeezed hard between two bits of plastic. Its so entertaining seeing how flat your boobs can go. And then you get to wait for your results which is just so amusing guessing what might be - it certainly keeps you on your toes and then finally as a very special outing, I get to have a big, cold bit of metal shoved up my you know what and my cervix scraped with a bit of wood so it makes my eyes water. Yes, I do believe that certainly have had my money's worth out of the NHS and for sure, it has got me out of the house.
1) I've gone back to work now, wearing the wig, & so many people have told me it's fabulous & 'you'd never know'. Well, if that's true, how do they know ?
2) My daughter's partner's staying a few days doing some work in the area. Last evening, I had my head uncovered (had forgotten about it to tell the truth, as I'm usually alone), I have an all-over covering of hair now but very short. Out of the blue he said there's nothing wrong with my hair, people would just think I 'bat for the other side'.
If anyone else tells me 'I'm lucky' I will not be responsible for my actions. (My lump was found through a routine mammogram, I couldn't feel it) I do know myself though how very difficult it is to find the right thing to say and I recall when my husband got his lung cancer diagnosis,that I felt I had been struck dumb because everything I could think of to say sounded so crass. Another hurtful thing was when so called friends would cross the road to avoid us. When I got my diagnosis I only told 2 or 3 close friends and no one else because I didn't want sympathy and I didn't want people to treat me any differently. Even now people at work don't know what I have had done. I find I can deal with it better without people looking at me pityingly or saying something stupid.
This thread has cracked me up, and made me gasp in horror at some of the appalling things people come out with.
Since my dx I've had all the usual so brave, coping so well, stay positive, don't know what I'd do if it was me, but you look so well, soon be back to normal, you're lucky it's only early stage/small/in one breast etc etc comments.
I haven't been offended as everyone has only been trying to say something appropriate when they know there is really nothing to be said. Only one comment really offended me, from a manager at work, whose aunt had chemo and apparently "it just makes you feel a bit fluey for a day or two so you'll be fine". Great! I'll just stock up on the Lemsip and be back at work next week then shall I.
Personally I like to make a joke out of it where possible. The OH and I are getting married in May and like to say that at least we've got the "in sickness and in health" bit covered.
On a definite "what not to say" note: many years ago I worked for a council and one day was going through a housing benefit claim with a young man who was being treated for testicular cancer. We got to the end of the form and I needed him to sign it. Opening my mouth as wide as possible to be sure to get my whole foot in, I said without thinking "that's it, sign there, just sign your life away" I felt terrible, but he was extremely good about it and just laughed saying he'd had far worse comments.
I was made redundant last year and am still desperately looking for a new job, and have been known to comment about how boring it is when you are home alone all day ... a few weeks back I had an appointment at the breast clinic for 6 month check-up on the Tuesday and Thursday the joys of a smear test, someone came out with the comment the double barrelled 'well you are certainly getting your money's worth out of the NHS, and at least it gets you out of the house' .... personally I can think of a few things to look forward to but mammo and smear in the same week did not excite me to the point of jumping on the sofa!
I am often told that I've certainly had my moneys worth out of the NHS...........hmmmmmmm okay!!!!
Had to phone HR between 5th & 6th chemos & she asked
'Oh do you have a collection of snazzy scarfs now?'
How to convince people it was cancer, not a fashion statement?
Popped into work on Fri for the first time after dx. Everybody was very nice apart from one.
me: Hi, sorry to interrupt. I'm just popping in to say hi.
he: OK (and then looked at me strangely)
me: I've been off sick since July last year.
he: Oh, is that right? I didn't notice you've not been around. (carrying on with his work without looking at me)
me: I guess you're very busy at the moment so I'll leave you to it.
he: Yes, I'm not on my lunch break.
Oh, man. I think that's just so rude!!!! I dare say I don't want to work with him again.
My 2yr old asked if the wind had blown my hair off!!! Then she patted my bald head and said "nice".
Hmmm...I wonder if that concentrating business really works!
...I'm gonna concentrate really hard on getting rid of the cancer in my Lymph Nodes...will let you all know if it works! ;o)
I love this thread..some of the things people say is just unbelievable!
My kids have really kept me going...and given me a giggle with some of the things they've said to me...
when I came home after my mx back in August I was sitting on the couch in my PJ's & my 5 year old son climbed up on my knee, looked at my chest & said 'Mummy? If the Doctor wasn't going to give you two boobs why didn't he move that one into the middle so your pyjamas would sit better?' ....now why didn't I think of that?? PMSL! If it was only that simple...and of course one boob in the middle of your chest wouldn't look at all strange!
And I was getting dressed one morning & my then 2 year old daughter asked where my 'nother boobie' was. I explained that there was a bad lump in it & the Doctor had to take it away to make Mummy better. She looked at me for a bit & asked 'Did he put it in the bin Mummy?' To make things simpler for her I agreed & she then said 'Did he put it in the bin because it was out of date?'...I wasn't quite sure how to answer that one! LOL
The wee soul then started to pat me on the shoulder & said 'never mind Mummy, when your cut's (CUT!! I had a mx with full anc clearance!)better the Doctor will stick a new Boobie on'!! ...no huge op required in her world..just some superglue or sticky back plastic!! LOL
Very true Dotchas. It is unreal what people can say and not blink an eye. Maybe we've all been doing the wrong thing all along, like you say if we concentrate hard enough maybe the hair will grow quicker hmmmmmmm 🙂
Debonair,you have to wonder why people think that because you have had cancer that its OK to comment on your weight and hair! Sometimes comments are made with the best of intentions like "hairloss is only temporary" but others are just totally thoughtless and very hurtfull.
You could have answered with "actually I am concentrating on living at the moment"