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What now?

11 REPLIES 11
misha
Member

Re: What now?

Hi Marie,

Sorry to hear what has happened to you. It is especially sad that some of your last weeks with your husband had to be taken up with bc.

Anyway, glad you got through the first day back at work. As you say, it's just about getting through one day at a time.for now.

Best Wishes
Misha

marieb
Member

Re: What now?

Hi everyone went back to work this morning,it was hard.The faces are familiar ,the chat etc.,but i feel so different the time dragged and yet i was glad to be back isnt it confusing? I was glad to get back home. Ive cut the grass (it was always Micks job) but i like doing it. Its like saying to him "look dont worry i can manage" Anyway im going to give work another go tomorrow and the day after and again on Monday etc. keeping busy is the only way to get through.
Thanks for your support
Take care
Mariex

lyndu
Member

Re: What now?

Marie,
I hope all went well with your visit back to work this morning. It must be so hard to have lost your husband, your friend, your companion, just after you get to the end of treatment and see light at the end of the tunnel. I do understand how it's sometimes easier to talk to strangers, and even sometimes easier to bear their sympathy.

If you can get counselling from a local branch of Cruse, I'd recommend it once you feel up to it - which may well not be for a while, you may still be too much in shock. Keep it in mind if you need someone to talk to - it sounds unkind, but often even the most loving families want to stop talking about the person who has died long before you have finished all that you want to say about them. It's a little bit like bc - you're expected to "move on" long before you're at all ready.

Look after yourself, and keep us posted with how you're doing

Lyn

marieb
Member

Re: What now?

Good Morning Everyone thankyou to Anne Call2108 and Liz for your kind words it is hard to share your feelings with strangers but we have all had one thing in common and the women who log onto the forums are compassionate and caring.I think the reason I wanted to tell my story is that I can somehow remain annonymous! does that make sense?: Its different sharing your feelings on the forums to sharing them with family and friends. Wish me luck i;m going into work this morning just for a little chat before starting back part-time tomorrow.I'm so nervous my daughter and granddaughter are coming with me.I'm hoping they will all be talking to the baby and it takes the pressure off me

Take Care
Mariex

lizziecee
Member

Re: What now?

Hi Marie,

My sincere condolences on your sudden traumatic loss. Glad you came "back to us" for support - I have been amazed at how incredibly caring and supportive the "strangers" on this site are - there is always someone willing to listen and share.

My only real close friend locally (having repatriated from Spain a few years ago, not knowing anyone in Cornwall) tragically lost her husband of 39 yrs marriage (he was 63), on the last night of their holiday in Tenerife 4 yrs ago. He just collapsed with a heart attack. I can still vividly remember her frantic phone call to me a few minutes after he died. Fortunately, her elder son flew out from England that day to help with the legal necessities and arrange for his body to be brought home.

She has downsized to a smaller home, a barn conversion with no large garden to take care of, and joined the local golf club where she has made many new friends. She has also been on some "Solos" holidays in an effort to meet new people and is currently seeing a guy around her own age, whom she met on an internet dating site, although she won't let us meet him...yet!
My husband and I are amazed at how well she has coped and is embracing life. We try and include her when we have dinner parties for our visitors and she is coming on holiday with us and 8 other friends, to Spain in 2 weeks, to celebrate my hubby's 80th birthday.

One thing has struck me about being an attractive, fairly young widow - her new female friends at her golf club, although they go out for lunch with her, never invite her to a meal at their homes, which is so sad. An elderly, very wise female friend said to me when her husband died a few years ago: "Liz, I never turn down any social invitation, because if I make an excuse, people will stop asking me."

Mick's sudden death is still very recent, and it will take time for you to grieve and get into a different lifestyle. Sounds as if you are slowly getting there by going back to work and I am sure your baby granddaughter will bring a lot of joy back into your life. When you feel like it, you may wish to think about joining "Cruse" - an organisation for the bereaved. As with bc, it is hard sometimes for others not in the same position, to fully understand how traumatic events can lead to feelings of isolation.

You have started on the right track already by reaching out and sharing your feelings.
Please come back whenever you feel up to it, to share your life with those of us who care.

Take care,
Liz.

cally2108
Member

Re: What now?

Hi Marie
I was so sorry to read your post and all you have been through . I think what we have all been through makes you empathise a lot more when people suffer a loss. My sisters husband died when she was 48 also with grown up children and together for 27 yrs that was 3 years ago . She found a part time job after closing their business they had together and is rebuilding her life and really embracing it . As you say you know that he would have wanted you to carry on and be strong as my brother in law said to my sister before he died .
The job gives my sister focus as well as a social life and its been the best thing she has done for her confidence too.
Life is hard isnt it but is also a gift and you have great great memories of your husband . I do admire my sis for her courage and I know you will get the strength too.
I hope I have said the right things and really wish you the very best in what you decide to do.

AnneG
Member

Re: What now?

I was so sorry to read your post. It must have been a dreadful shock after all that you have been through. In time, I expect that you will be able to treasure your memories and your husband sounds to have been wonderfully supportive to you through your treatment.

Counselling does sound like a good idea and try not to overdo it at work.

I just want to send you every sympathy and my very best wishes.

Anne

marieb
Member

Re: What now?

Thanks im not very good at this x

Ann_BCC_
Member

Re: What now?

Hi all

I am going to move this thread as it is in the archive section. I will move it to the current 'after treatment is finished'

Take care

Ann

marieb
Member

Re: What now?

Thanks for replying I have got a good family and friends and my granddaughter does get me through. I try and keep busy but im very tired. I think the thing that keeps me going is I know i wouldnt have got through the treatment without Mick so he would heve been mad if i didnt carry on.
Thanks
take care
Mariex

Kindensurprise
Member

Re: What now?

You must be still in shock, and need some time to get used to the fact that your husband is no longer with you. Maybe some bereavement counselling? Looking after your grandchild will also occupy you, but you will need to find a way of coping with the empty house.

This happened to a friend almost 2 years ago, whilst they were in the middle of buying a house, she went on to move and has cut herself off from 'his' friends to make her life without him. You will find your way of coping.

Good luck

marieb
Member

What now?

Hi ladies i've not visited the forums for a while but feel i need to talk. I finished rads on 19th March 2008 and went back to work on 27th May although it was tiring I was enjoying getting back to "normal". Then the bombshell hit. My husband of 32 years went to work 20th June and suffered a fatal heart attack he was 53! I am 50 my life is so empty without him,the kids have left home, we have a granddaughter who is 1.I dont know if this makes sense but the bc has took a back seat i no longer think about it. I'm hoping to return back to work on Wednesday! wish me luck its going to be hard but i know i need to do it to keep occupied I would value any advise you could give me