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What's wrong with people ?

9 REPLIES 9
ForumMember
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

Hi,

When i first was diagnosed my best friend became very very distant and whenever i saw her she cried. It made me so mad at the time because i thought that she was being selfish and was feeling sorry for herself rather than supporting me as she was one of the only people who new exactly how i was feeling because to everybody else my guard was up.

I realised after a week of having no contact that she was shocked and hurt by the diagnosis and she was finding it difficult to deal with. I spoke to her about it and then I had to understand also that even though the cancer was directly affecting me it also hit my nearest very hard too.
After talking it through, we sorted it and now if I feel I need to cry she is the strong one picking me up and making me laugh again, it does take time for people to get used to cancer but I have found that most do eventually and those that dont arnt really worth your time or worries.

I hope I havnt gone on too much and hope this helped.

Take care

xx

Anndi
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

Hi there

Why not send her a letter telling her how you feel and saying that you understand it is difficult for her to cope with but you could really do with her support. She is obviously finding it hard to discuss it with you but cares enough to write and let you know how she feels. I don't think she can cope with the fact that one day it could come back, it's probably best for her and you not to think like that. Look on the positive side it's been found and treated and may never come back. Tell her this she probably frightened of loosing you in the future and trying to protect herself from being hurt, it's not right but we all handle thing differently and have all made mistakes ourselves.

I have also lost a couple of friends that haven't been able to cope but they were never close like your niece, it would be such a shame for both of you not to try to sort it out.

Best of luck.

Ann

xxxx

moonshine
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

Dear Liz (?)

It is so hurtful when people you have had a good relationship with in the past, suddenly change towards you.

From my own experience, having lost my hubby 10 months ago and my own dx, I must of had the words 'If there's anything I can do' and 'I'll be there for you' said to me a thousand times. Most have been there for me and been brilliant, but for those that turned out not quite so supportive despite their promises and good intentions, I have given up trying to understand their reasoning behind it. It is hurtful, but it is hard for people to understand exactly how you feel unless they have experienced it themselves. I just hope they don't ever have to deal with any of the bigger issues in life themselves.

My brother has always been there for me, but since my dx I've hardly heard from him, and he only lives 5 mins up the road. I think it was just one step too far for him, and he probably feels totally useless and doesn't know how to help me. If only he could see that just being there is enough. A friend said to me the other day, 'I couldn't of dealt with all the things you have'. Well I can't deal with it either! people can't see that, it's not because I'm strong or I can cope, it's because I haven't had any bloody choice! it's the lot I've been handed, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I would love to of said to the Doc's, sorry but I can't deal with any of this so please change my hubby's diagnosis to athlete's foot, and I'll go for the throat infection, some creams and a few anti-biotics and we'll be as right as rain again! - if only. Sorry, but as you all know, we have to have a rant sometimes.

I really hope you can resolve things with your neice as it is upsetting you so much. Probably best to 'have a good talk and try and clear the air if possible' she probably does want to be there for you, but doesn't know how to handle the situation.

Probably catch up with you on channel 4 later Liz, ha, ha,

Lots of love
Traceyxxxx

bubbly
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

I do agree with all of the above but think people should relaise that it is not about them for a little while and be there for you, I too am very close to my neice and I have to say she is the only one who acted just as I expected, while everyone else were either better or worse. I did tell one friend I couldn't cope with it being about how it affected her this time, I know it sounds selfish but you have to think of yourself through this.

WestsideSue
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

I think it's very difficult to know what to say sometimes. I know I've inadvertently said/done the wrong thing in the past, and it's not until I now have cancer myself, I understand how thoughtless I really was. I didn't offer the support I ought to have done to my son's pal's mum, but I didn't know her well. However, for her to have the guts to tell me she had cancer deserved more of a response from me, and I feel bad about that. She has come through now and all is well for her.

The issue for me is getting support, not sympathy. I find sympathy draining. I want people to have a laugh with me, be there when I'm in pain to take my mind off it, and go to the pub with me when I feel up to it!

People really don't know what to do - and I think the best thing is to get together. Show her what you want. I did have to tell a "sympathiser" that I couldn't deal with her unless she lightened up (she was in tears when I lost my hair - but I wasn't!). Once your neice sees you are still YOU - she'll probably cope better with the situation. It's probably coz she loves you that she is finding this such a shock and so hard.

Be kind to yourself

Sue xx

annamarie
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

i had an aggresive form of BC and my parents couldnt bare me talking about re occurance or death and it became a problem, in the end i told them i would do everything in my powers to live till 90 if they promised they would still be around to celebrate, (they were both young when i popped into the world), and this did seem to break the ice, it sounds stupid, but ive realised even if you dont feel it people need you to be positive!!!!!!
Anna x x

Phoebe
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

I don't think she is being selfish so much as unable to face all the misinformation she has on cancer. I think a letter back asking her straight out what she finds so hard to understand would not be a bad move. I would also tell her that the support of close family is essential for your well-being, and that at present she is not being supportive.

If she fails to follow up, then leave it be and move on politely.

debbi
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

as selfish as it sounds,from experience ,I do think people only worry if its happening to them personally,put yourself in their shoes,what would you do?Probably carry on with your own life,but offer help if they need it,and being british we always say no, I will be ok,so people just carry on dont they,which is why I dont ask anyone for help,just get on with it,apart from my mum helping,honestly you would not think that I had had bc ,double mastectomy recon,treatment etc,etc,as no one else has acted differently towards me,they even still buy me cigs if I want them,but they have been curious why I have boobs still,have had tram flap,but because people pretend its not happening,they dont know whats happened to you,so when you feel like screaming to people when they bump into you in town,or supermarket,do you know I have had cancer?Unless it happens to them they wont even realise will they?

hope this made abit of sense

i have lost a best friend since dx which did hurt me,but my comman sense kicked in and just figured she could not deal with it.

rosebud454
Member

Re: What's wrong with people ?

Rosebud 454
Hi liz,
Sorry you are upset by your neice, but people act oddly sometimes and we dont know the reason why. I think because you are so close and she thinks such a lot about you, that she may be lost for words and doesn't want to upset you by saying something inappropriate. Give her time and I,m sure she will come round.
Take care,
Rosie x

ForumMember
Member

What's wrong with people ?

Hi
I have been very close to my niece who is 14 years younger than me but she has been quite distant with me for a few months. This upset me as I feel she has time for her friends here and abroad and also goes out in the evening a lot with friends. I have always been there for her in times past.

She sent me a text the other week before she went away for a few weeks holiday saying that sorry but she hadn't had time to ring me before she went as she was very busy. I didn't text back.

Yesterday I got a letter from her saying that she knows I am angry/upset with her and that because I said I thought the cancer could come back, which it could because it was a very aggressive cancer, she couldn't cope with it and had to protect herself from how I felt.

Lost for words and very upset that she can be so selfish after we have been so close.

Liz xx