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What should I tell him?

6 REPLIES 6
debs
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

Its so difficult isnt it! My dad is nearly 80, on his own as my mum died of stomach cancer nearly 4 yrs ago but also had breast cancer.I knew my dad would take my news badly i am an only one but i told him i had a lump and it would be ok! Lots of reassurance, i told him bits as it happened that i was having chemo, then rads. he has found it all very hard and didnt like hearing that i didnt feel good after chemo.
He gradually told his friends and they have been supportive but he still gets very tearful when telling me that they are asking after me.
Whatever age we are we are still their little girls and they dont want to see us hurting! But they need to know!
Love debs xxx

Dahlia
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

My Dad was nearly 85 when he died and had I been dx when he was around I would NOT have told him especially as my Mother was butchered and died from brain mets. I think my Dad would have worried and worried and never been away from his local church!!!

I know we don't want to be dishonest with our parents of all people but sometimes what they don't know does not harm them.

I made the mistake of telling my aged aunt and she was always calling me and worrying. After treatment though she really believed I was cured and never mentioned it again because for her the C word is unutterable and something you don't really talk about when you're 89. Hey ho ...

Do what is best for YOU, not other people.

biggles
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

Hi - i think at the end of the day you will know in your heart whether you should tell him or not as only you know the type of relationship you have. My mother is 72, living on her own etc and is more like my best friend than my mother, so i had to tell her, even though she watched her husband of 71 (my dad) die of pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. The support she has given me has been invaluable, it was tough on her at the very beginning but we have made each other strong. Good luck in whatever you decide xx

english_rose
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

Hi Missm,

So sorry that you find yourself in this position. I too had this problem, my Dad is 81, lives on his own and is fit and healthy. The problem is that everyone he has known who has suffered with cancer has died. His Mother, his wife, a nephew and a friend. so you see he has a pretty negative view about the whole thing.
I felt that I had to tell him, it would have been impossable to keep it from him.

I began by showing him how well I was. I reasured him that I was very lucky that things are much different today even in comparrison to 5 years ago. How many advances have been made, and how much money is being poured into resurch. I told him that it had been picked up at a very early stage even before I had any symptoms.
He hasn't said as much, but I am sure that he is very pleased I have told him, we seem to have grown even closer.

I wish you good luck with everything.

Love Rose X

scottishlass
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

Dear Missm, Well I made a phonecall just now to my (almost) 85 year old Dad and posed the question to him!!!!.....He said you should tell your Dad. My Dad said he would rather know the truth than think I was keeping something from him. My Dad lives on his own and copes well, making his own meals and even making jam and chutney.....and he still is bright mentally. I tell him what is happening when I go to hospital.
My Mum, who is now 84, is in a nursing home. When I was diagnosed 2o years ago she took it very badly but eventually got over the shock. She is physically and mentally unwell now, she knows who I am and asks after my girls. But she has poor short term memory and forgets a lot but she does know that I have BC and that I go to hospital frequently. But I only tell her the "basics" now. I sometimes cannot go in to visit her as I have been on chemo and she accepts when my Dad tells her that I cannot visit that day but he has spoken to me on the phone.
So Missm, I think it depends on how well you Dad is. If he is mentally well he is bound to notice that you have lost your hair. I think "honesty" is better but you can always just tell him the basics and tell him about women like me who have been diagnosed for 20 years and are doing well. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask, and I will consult my Dad again! Good luck with your decision making. Let us know what you eventually decide. Love Val XX

Philidel
Member

Re: What should I tell him?

Difficult one. My mother (74) is in a care home suffering from cerebral vascular dementia. She's been there for nearly 2 years now as she wasn't quite safe living on her own. always knows who I am and always asks how I am and about the children etc (just to give you an ide of the stage she's at). I made the decision at my dx that she was absolutely not to know. My family all know but I've asked everyone not to tell her, and I haven't told any of the staff at the home in case someone should let something slip.
In my case, the only outcome in telling my mother would be to upset her. She wouldn't be able to do anything practical to help, and I have other sources of emotional support. It was a very easy decision to make, but I sympathise with your dilemna. How well-informed is he about cancer treatments generally? Maybe you should take as a guide, how much he asks you about what is happening.
Good luck with that & also your treatment
Phili x

missm
Member

What should I tell him?

Hi everyone
I need some help with what I should tell my 87 year father. I given him the minimum amount of information about me having BC as he lives on his own and I don't want to worry him to much.I am shortly to have chemo and he will notice my hair loss. Any idea what I should tell him?
XM