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What to say and what not to say!!!

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Hi, I read this thread and can only say I do empathise. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and touch wood had a few scares but OK.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, people were saying things they think will make it feel better...but it was really often to make them feel better. Some of the cliches such as 'you are strong, you look well, no-one dies of b cancer do they?' Unbelievable! I tell people even now, theres nothing you can say to make it feel better so please don't try, just sit with me and chat generally. I also found the 'how are you?' question was often too big a question to ask me, and too exhausting too.

I recall a phrase 'Don't try to lead i may not follow, don't walk behind me I may not lead, just walk with me and be my friend' (or something like that).

Love to you all girls ( and guys ) xx

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Too true Cassie

I think I scare some people though with my honesty and they give me cake to shut me up 🤣🤣 x
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Yep I've had most of the comments above. I think cancer is almost a taboo subject that people don't want to talk about. I've always talked openly and honestly about it since diagnosed. If someone asks me how I am I have no trouble telling them I'm feeling pretty **bleep** or maybe slightly less **bleep** than yesterday. Some people almost panic and just spout the first comments that pop into their head. For me someone just genuinely asking how I'm feeling today or asking if there's anything they can do to help is enough. Well I prefer they come and visit and bring cake obviously

Cassie x
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Morning Rosie enjoy your day xx
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

I am smiling so much at your posts. I've had all this lot, from well meaning (but slightly stupid) people. Bottom line - no one can really know what it feels like to go through this journey until they've done it themselves.

Happy Sundays to all.

I'm off out for cake. Nothing changes there then!

xxxx
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Over 70 that must have been annoying but well done on completing treatment x
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

My very sweet BCN ended every sentence with” How are you feeling about that” After a while it was hard not to scream b——— marvellous of course, just look at my face you’ ll see the joy. 

Treatment is now finished and I suppose l could now say. “Feeling much better thank you “

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

My face smiles

My brain screams shut up idiot

Good job I can keep it shut ...... for now 🤣🤣🤣
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Ive had all of these too! The new one is 'You are nearly there!' Erm, no I'm not. Still got one last cycle and 16 Herceptins, then a month later an op to take away lymph nodes, then 15 rads after I've recovered and then 10 years hormone tablets!!!

And the other ' You are doing so well'!!!
How do tou know? You've not seen me!
You dont see me when I'm crying my eyes out and trying to deal with all the treatment and emotions!

Anyway, there will be more to come but I guess we get more tolerable as we go along.x
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Yes I have had ‘best type of cancer’

Have also had if anyone can beat it you can .... what’s the other option

Fed up of people whinging ‘oh this headache is killing me ‘ no it’s not don’t be so dramatic

Of course you will feel unwell they are pumping you fill of poison ..... Er no I prefer the word medicine

Why are you not coming out how much more sleep can you need ?

So does the injections hurt ?

Oh my gosh I sound like a moaning Mildred maybe we should write a book lol x



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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

The people I have told so far really just don't know what to say but I did struggle a bit yesterday when one of my family started to tell me 1 in 3 get some form and about everyone he could think of that had some kind of cancer and recovered (it was just a little too soon for me even though I know he was trying to help).- I just couldn't get out of the room quick enough. 

 

I was only diagnosed yesterday so I expect I'll have to face lots of the comments you've all had and I'll certainly watch out for the "best type of cancer" comment

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

I realise it is very hard for people around us to know what to say but here are a few I've had said to me that probably are best unsaid!

the best cancer to have ! Er no the best cancer is none!

you're a tough old bird! - not sure where to start with this one! I thought I was a youthful 56 year old! 

After your hair falls out and you stop being sick everything will be ok!- this was said by a retired nurse who should know better! 

Good girl- see above. I am 56 years old!

i've only been diagnosed a few weeks so sure there will be more bloomers to come!

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

I am going for a low maintenance Christmas. It’s just me and my dad, so rather than creating turkey and 52 veg from scratch, I will be ordering stuff from the M&S food to order catalogue. Dad will still love it!

🎄🎄🎄

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Thanks for sharing this feisty flora.xxxx

Al least I have the excuse of not having to buy loads of gifts ovet Christmas.😁



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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Just after I was diagnosed some idiot said dismissively "it's only a lump"!!!! My sympathy to all you ladies having to undergo treatment at this time of year. Looking back I remember that it hit me particularly hard at Christmas. I was feeling wretched due to the chemo and had lost all my hair but there I was sitting in my woolly hat watching everyone else celebrating, looking happy and glamorous. One day three young girls came into the cafe I was in and they all had long, swishy, glossy hair - I just blubbed. I shed quite a few tears at that time but the good news is that the treatment was worth it, the hair did grow back and now approaching the 5 year mark I feel fighting fit again.

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Brutal and routine are not what we want to hear! Good for your friend Rosie.xx
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

I think a lot of people simply don’t know what to say. I tell people I am more than happy to talk about it and that they should just ask. Some do, some don’t. But you certainly find out who your friends are. A chum at work has insisted on coming over to my house on Friday to hoover, because I am still finding hoovering difficult after my ovary removal op. What a star she is. 

xxx

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

It is stramge how people have disappeared and yet some who you would never have thought are aroumd for you.xx
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Most people I know just ignore it, not addressing it at all. I think that maybe worse! Very few will ask me how I am? I think they're scared of what I might say.....

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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

One of my friends told me that my treatment plan sounded brutal. I had no idea how to respond to that. I know she didn't mean to upset me but I was quite upset by it.

Xxx
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Re: What to say and what not to say!!!

Oh I've had the "it's the best cancer to have" comment. And someone else told me my treatment plan sounded very routine ..... no, I don't think so!!! (I think it was well meant, but just not thought through).

xxxx
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What to say and what not to say!!!

Right ladies, lately I have some idiots making some most stupid inconsiderate remarks to me during treatment! I understand it is hard for all and we are more sensitive but there are things you just dont say so I'm starting a thread to ask you ladies what stupid remarks you have had and how you handled them😘

Last week I had a stupid woman ask me 'Has treatment stunted your growth?' I was beyong shocked! I can laugh and joke but thats a bit below rhe belt! Then she continued to say its nice to meet someone smaller than me' When I gave her the look and replied 'Can you say sonething nice please?' she tried to turn things round by saying 'Being small has its advantages!' Too late, how dare you use my chemo treatment to put me down and up yourself!!! I think she got the message!

How many times have you been told 'Well, you are strong so you will get through it??? Erm, I can't not be strong when it's happened! What do you expect to do, sit in a corner hoping its not real??? You dont see me when I'm in tears or on a meltdown!!

And this one 'It's one of the better Cs to have'!!! Well thank you, I appreciate that I have the best one! Why not just say treatment is so advanced nowadays and lots can be done for me?

And the volunteer at the centre who twice asked about me taking my hat off!! There is a reason love! This is a cancer care centre innit??? Well, I didnt complain about her but I told the nurse and they have all been spoken to and no one will be made to feel as anxuous as I did hopefully in future!

I did have a kind of funny one though. A guy I know (slightly tipsy) who knows my situation came in and looked shocked and shouted 'Omg, you look so well!!!' I was in a playful mood and I know him so I replied 'Erm, how am I meant to look?' He went speechless but I let him off as hes a nice guy! He later then told me his sister is going through through similar stuff but doesnt look good! I told him wigs and make up make a lot of difference!! He hasnt spiken to his sister for years after falling put but rhis has got them together.

Please share your experiences! X