Why do I feel like this

[delly]

That's sooo good to hear Sue. I'm really hoping that's it for you - no more of it - ever - as I do for anyone else, myself included.

xxxx

[Sue H-S]

Hi Leigh

thank you so much for your kind words. And am so glad that you found it of help. Like you, I wish I had known, when I finished my active treatment, what was likely to happen. So much struggle and beating myself up, as well as trying to get others to understand. It made it all so much worse, than it needed to be.

But, thankfully have come out the other end and am progressing well, as I hope you do.

Hugs

Sue x

[Leigh446]

Treeze! It might help to read sues post!

[Leigh446]

Hello lovelies!

sue thank you sooooooooooo much for posting that. The diagram is brilliant and should be handed out after treatment. It would save so much angst and confusion and worry. I was told I might feel a bit down about three weeks after treatment. I'm really cross with that - I scheduled in a coffee with the girls thinking that would get me through. Ha!

[delly]

Good Morning Sue,

That's helpful and interesting info, thanks for.

I have to laugh at myself. I initially mis-read the first word of final point, under the "red" section as - "S**T happens !!! I couldn't agree more !!!!!

Gave me the first laugh of the day, even if it was at myself.

Hope you are all doing okay and have a good day today.

Leigh, thank you for such a lovely email, it got me all teary, but you really are most welcome. My response is equally as appreciative.

Love to all of you

Doolallydingdong xxxxxx 

[Sue H-S]

Hi Leigh,

Thank you for asking! I have now finished the course - last one yesterday!

I would certainly recommend the Moving Forward course to anyone, who can attend it - especially in the time up to 12 months post finish of active treatment. Those, who are working - you are entitled to have the time off to attend the course - it is part of your recovery treatment.

It is so helpful to understand that our feelings and challenges are actually completely normal!

The content will be the same wherever the course is held - although the detail may vary depending on the individuals delivering the course.

We covered everything from our feelings,menopausal symptoms and what to do, diet, nutrition, wellbeing, recovery, relationships, etc., etc.

Out of it there are some links with information I'd like to share - and some of the information might be worth sharing with those around you and employers, too. 

https://www.verywell.com/breast-cancer-treatment-and-recovery-times-430667

which will outline that it takes and average of  1-3 months per chemo treatment to physically recover

http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/Peter%20Harvey%20-%20After%20the%20Treatment%20Finishes%20then%2...

A brilliant article, which outlines and helps to understand what happens to us post treatment

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23492346

which proves that low fat dairy has no effect on recurrance of breast cancer

And also this - sorry for the size, but so much easier to read

I do hope it is of help - whatever we feel, can do or cannot do yet - it is normal! 

We need to be kind to ourselves and not drive ourselves to be how others want us to be. We will recover and will be who we want to be - but there is no timetable that we have to be able to adhere to.

Huge hugs to all

Sue x

[Leigh446]

Sue! Any updates on your course? I would love to hear them! And I think so would others!

[Leigh446]

Thanks delly!

i have been trying to give treeze a virtual cuddle on another thread. it seems we all pop up all over the place!

just reading fluffier. V lovely, recommend to all who need to share some good girl time!

[delly]

Hi Leigh 446,

I've responded to your email and elsewhere on another thread, or it's been stored in the ether somewhere and hasn't quite reached you yet.

Hope you're doing okay, dear friend.

Delly xxxx

[delly]

Tweeze - I wasn't being KIND, I was trying to draw you out - to come and safely share, offload what you're going through, what's happening with and to you. It's not good, but we wanna hear and listen to it. When you feel more up to it, please do try it, it cannot and won't do you ANY harm. You'd probably find it's actually helpful.
Whenever you're ready lovey.
Dellywellydoodaah xxxx

[Leigh446]

Hello ladies! Hello Janey 2 to you!

soo nice to see you all. Hope your hols were good Delly, where did u go? Somewhere sunny I hope!

sue thanks for posting that, it really helps to have a vague idea. Am now 11 months. And it's true, a girl does start to feel more oomph. Not sure if what happened happened tho. Did we go through all that? Why am I still endlessly drudging thru endless housework. Seems a waste of nhs resources, they could have swapped me for a dishwasher!

treeze, do take it easy, massive hugs. You've been through an immense thing it's hard to realise how immense! Big hugs to all.i was so delighted to wander on here and see you all, especially after crap day with crap husband. Grumble! Xxx

[Treeze]

Thank you Delly, you're very kind.xx

[delly]

Treeze - Am gonna turn my attenetion on you, babe. Please also tell us, if you feel able to,what's happening with your Dad health wise? You didn't say. It's obviously not good, from your tone. Think you need to do some major off loading onto here. Know you're massively struggling. You've had far more to have to cope with than many of us here, with your kidney cancer as well. Crikey girl - god do you need some loving hugs and ears.

You mentioned about feeling alienated from many of your friends - Do you have ANYone close by that you can chat to and have some physical contact from/with?? Share a glass or two of vino with and a bit of serious talk and also more light hearted cheeky, giggly banter with, flower??

If not - come join us on the "Progesterone, other hormones and fluffy (as in stuck on fluff, not lightness!). We'd be delighted to see you, and hopefully it'll cheer you up a bit, cos I'm sensing how gawd awful low you are.

Give it a go, see you there.

Loadsa love 

DoolallyDelly xxxxxxx

[delly]

Hi, I'm back after being on hol for 10 days.

Leigh - so glad you took my suggestion for the workplace thread to do some "brainstorming".

See you all in a bit when I've caught up xxxxxx

[Treeze]

Leigh..loved your post! You are absolutely right as usual.What with all this now with my dad..and I don't begrudge a thing..things sometimes seem insurmountable.have casually looked online at jobs but know that I'm not fit to do cleaning jobs and hard physical work yet.my afternoon special needs job I started back at one day this week and she's very good but I do feel that now treatment is over she'll be kind of waiting for me to become "normal" again pretty fast and I darent say too much about tiredness as she might start thinking I won't be any use to work again..have to be careful as though a friend she is still my employer and I think the empathy and understanding I got during chemo might wear thin!

[Sue H-S]

Hi ladies,

just a quick hello and report back on my first Moving Forward course day.

It is lovley to meet other ladies in person - one really gets the feeling of normality.

The most important thing I have taken from today is the understanding that most of us will hit the slope of depression and mental unwellness AFTER our active treatment is over. I shall try and get hold of the graph to share it. So what we feel is absolutely normal! 

I also explored average recovery times (physical) and came across this

QUOTE - Recovery times from chemotherapy vary with each person. Remember that chemo is a systemic treatment that will affect your entire body. You should plan on one to three months of recovery time per each standard dose of chemotherapy once your treatments are over. - END QUOTE

So that means - with 6 x chemo treatment it will take between 6-18 months to physically recover! All on average, of course. And for some of us radiotherapy comes on top of that...

This is the link - it is not from the UK, but it does make interesting reading, 

https://www.verywell.com/breast-cancer-treatment-and-recovery-times-430667

Hope you find the info helpful

Hugs

Sue x

[Janey2]

Hey Leigh! A quick good morning bring from me down here to you up there! X

[Leigh446]

Hi delly! am taking your advice and hopping over to work thread. Thank you for the idea!

[Leigh446]

Janet 2, charys, Helena, delly, ...and everyone else, you are all so lovely. It's good to know that we are all at different stages and can help each other out. Sorry for the long post earlier. I should be writing in a diary I think!

hope Macclesfield and Birmingham is lovely! Am awake near Edinburgh, so weird that we can write across country! I'll stop writing now..finally!  I hope you all have a good dayX

[Leigh446]

Hello ladies! Back again, after quite a jolly day, the nights are pretty rubbish aren't they?

am devouring every word of advice in a desperate effort to quell mounting terror.Ten months after treatment ended for goodness sake, so Treeze, my goodness! You are only just finished and are asking a MASSIVE amount of yourself. I just saw a different post where you are struggling to act and take directions..pleeeese don't worry, I can tell you from experience- as will everyone else here, that we all seem to fall into the, treatments finished I must be better by now trap.

It's only when that time has passed you realise how ill you still were, - and then you think, goodness treatment finished ages ago I must be better by now, and then you realise how ill you were before and you think goodness treatment was a while ago I must be.....and on and on!

and all the while ( I think this is common), we feel guilty because we are still feeling pants and we shouldn't be, scared because of all the weird emotions that we don't understand why we should be feeling, like this and then you question why you feel guilty and conclude that you are rubbish and ( or that's what I do!( am trying not to!) it all spirals down like draining bath water. If it's any consolation it is really reassuring to hear that you can't communicate- as well as being really forgetful, I have blanks where I have no idea what the other person just said. Maggies said that it takes AT LEAST however long you had treatment for to recover. I wasted that getting better time beating myself up for not getting better faster, doh! Honestly we should be like the victorians and have a year in Switzerland to recover from a cold.

i think half the getting better is realising that you actually need to!

it really is rebuilding yourself from the ground up, or that's what it feels like. I can't cope with the smallest things at the moment, so when hubby came home convinced he's being bullied at work and is struggling to keep going and getting depressed, I really can't cope even tho I know there's a lot more serious stuff out there. It is just like we've all fallen into this alternative world where everything looks the same, but it's bitter and grey and hopeless. Wow I am in a cheery mood!

im trying to contain overwhelm by sticking to a routine and concentrating on my drawings. I love drawing, and actually, if I don't do that I stand in the middle of the room and panic. 

i will hop over to the work thread as suggested sue, though so far no one seems to know what to do with me. I asked macmillans work but it's more in work stuff. I have a degree and used to be an art director ( hours of meetings to design that  mailings stuff that landed on your doorstep and everyone chucked immediately, ho ho!). But I have lost all my confidence, technology has moved on, and it's the sort of business where you can't show weakness. Drawing is , actually I'm discovering as I write this, really important to me! Oh my goodness, enlightenment. I shall have to get brave enough to try and push that side of things. Especially as I can't seem to find shop work. ( what's wrong with ME! Employers!)

wow, I seem to be writing a novel!this was NOT what I wanted to write! I'm very close to deleting all this, cos it seems a bit, okay, very, me me me. but..and another revelation, I trust you ladies to take it as it is.

Anyone else awake and anxious?!

[Charys]

Hey Leigh,

So glad you are back and posting, and that you found some comfort from our words. Sorry about the wee 'interruption to service' in the odd 'shennanigans'...forget all about it, its nothing and its passed now.

We are definitely around at 'odd hours'  , as you can tell lots of people have problems sleeping after diagnosis, and some are on active treatment and medications that give some insomnia at times (and those who are having the hot flushes!). Sooooo, post on here whatever time of day or night, and although we can't promise to be awake, as we HOPE to sleep people will come on and read as soon as they are able. x

[ladybowler]

Dellydarling

Good morning to you too.  Well it is a bit overcast here in Birmingham but it is looking as if it might brighten up, fingers crossed 🙂

Am off back to work tomorrow after a week off so 6.45am is going to come very early for me tomorrow, but really looking forward to it, I know I am strange!! Hopefully I will find out if my contract is going to be extended again in the next couple of weeks as it is up on 31 March 😞

Hope you are having a relaxing day too, how are you getting on with your tablets?

Helena xxxxx

[delly]

Morning ALL again,

A lovely sunny one here in Macclesfield, Cheshire. Hope it's the same with you, wherever you are in the country.

Leigh - further to our emails, as I mentioned, it may be well worth your while starting a "thread" in the "Workplace and Employment" section of this Forum. Addressing the nature of your current unemployment issues, along with your particular expertise, qualifications, and past types of employment history. This Forum is also a great place for some "brainstorming" of having a copious different brains and thousands of business women to ponder on your position and hopefully come up with some helpful and feasible suggestions. Well worth a try lovey. You never know, one of 'em may be able to employ your herself.

I had numerous chats with Naz, a couple of years ago, and we both found it helpful, having another persons brain working on possibilities.

Hope everyone has a relaxing and recharging Sunday.

Loadsa Love 

DoolallyDelly xxxxxxx

[Janey2]

Morning Leigh, so glad you've posted again and that our messages were helpful. You're so right about the forum, so stick with us! Wishing you a better day today xx

[Leigh446]

Goodness ladies!

i am unbelievably touched at all the posts. How wanted does that make me feel! I need to go back and read things again and digest them.

Please let me say that tonight, just knowing you are all out there - and up at weird hours! and sharing and that reassurance that we are not alone is oh so incredibly helpful and soothing. Thank you soooo much. It's weird, but even though I know the theory- eat well, be kind etc- sometimes a lady needs a gentle reminder from her ( new! And delightful) friends.

delly, thank you so much for your offer of a chat. I've read quite a few of your posts and feel honoured to be included in your kindness and enthusiasm. The offer seems to have sparked something - I've no idea what has gone on- but please everyone, I'm far too shy and retiring to actually talk to anyone for real! That's why it's so nice to be able to type anonymously. And tho I'd love to bore you all rigid about my pictures, I have a sneaky feeling that this isn't quite the place. 

Im going to snuggle down now and read these wonderfully thoughtful - and eloquent (! Aww, you gals, What a nice boost to the ego) posts properly. I just wanted you all to know how wonderful it is to feel part of something. Today was utter crap, but you've got me out of a hole and onto a ledge - or , and I love this one, I can now see light at the end of the tunnel....just hope it's not an oncoming train! Ho ho.

MASSIVE hugs to you all.

[Charys]

That's great Delly. ☺ onwards and upwards.....to the work in hand. ....world domination....wa ha ha ha

[delly]

Thanks Sweet Charys,

But just to assure you, I wasn't straying away from Leighs and Treeze's content and was only calmly making it known to Sue, my reason for wishing to chat further with Leigh was with reference to her talk of her artwork and not to counsel. 

Anyway, let's move and keep away from previous mentioned misunderstandings, and as you so rightly said Chrys, keep to the subject in hand.

Loadsa love to EVERYbody from moi,

Dellywellydoodaah xxxxxxxxx

[ladybowler]

Charys

You are amazing and absolutely not bossy at all, I really could not have said it better myself.

I have gained so much help, hope, support and inspiration on this forum since I joined back in November at a time when, as I have said before, I would never even have dreamt of doing something like that, and thank god I did because I would never have met you all.

You all know my personal background, which a lot of "real" people do not, that is because I am so comfortable with you all on here, I have had my down moments but they never last long because I just have to come on here and I am back up there again.

I am actually a bit scared for when I go back to work on my normal pattern as it will mean that I will be away from you all for longer periods of time each day, but I know I will get over that, I can not see myself ever not being part of this wonderful forum.

Helena xxxx

[Charys]

Ooo Janey is here too, lovely

Ladies, its tough, even those of us who are months and years further down the line from you have our 'glitches'. Often the physical treatment is the 'easy' bit and the emotional and psychological struggles are the harder part of the 'C' journey. We will be here to listen, and try to share our experiences. Leigh, I'm glad you stopped silently reading and have posted. I am due my first check-up in March too and can relate to your feelings. Just knowing we aren't alone in our thoughts can lift some of the weight. x

[Charys]

Morning everyone, morning Leigh, Sue, Delly , Helena, Treeze and others I have missed,

Okkaaayyyy before everything goes 'tits up' here (deliberate choice of wording), might I be as bold as to try to chuck some olive oil on potentially troubled waters. I am a Libran, and although I don't even believe in astrology?!, I like to see persepectives from both/all sides. (Not sure why I said I'm a libran if I don't even believe in astrology lol)

I should imagine that Sue is concerned with Leigh's need for professional help, at a vulnerable time, hence her trying to get her to phone the BC helpline and contact those who are unconnected so closely emotionally with bc. I'm sure she didn't realise that you had some artistic interests to discuss Delly. I suspect there is a misunderstanding there, and I would hope Sue can see that you didn't have intentions to be anything other than helpful and supportive but wants Leigh to go down the right avenues.

Delly, you know you have been a bit erratic recently, and we your 'fluffies' accept fully your apology and support you in your battle with your mental health problems, but as you've admitted yourself sometimes things get out of hand. This thread, could now be one of those times, and whilst it is clear there are tensions exisiting on both sides, can we try and focus instead on the lady (and others) who are feeling vulnerable, emotional and low, without bringing other issues into the discussion. Gosh, this is making me sound so bossy......soz about that....but.... 

We are all working towards the same aim here, supporting those who need it. We all have different styles, personalities and our own baggage (Sue has her own personals struggles and has only just finished her treatment and waiting for results, Delly you have a HUGE amount going on in your personal life which is so difficult) so its understandable that sometimes things get a little fraught. I'm actually surprised it doesn't happen more often to be honest, with everything we are all dealing with. However, hey, lets please hold onto the fact that we have more in common than not in common (sounds like a Theresa May press conference now). What we are good at on this forum, is tolerance and understanding, and even though there are feelings of 'hurt' we somehow need to get through that. Lets hold onto that. x

[delly]

Sue,

I actually had other reasons from Leigh's other post also and in my interest in her "Artistic" abilities to chat with her as I have contacts in such field.

Please can we not continue the previous damage that I have already openly admitted to having created and caused, and sincerely humbly and grovellingly apologised for on the "Fluffies" thread. Don't expect your forgiveness, but would truely appreciate your openess of understanding of this somewhat weird disorder, that I'm having to get to grips with and is creating alien behaviour to myself.Fully understand you "kicking" back. 

xxxx

[Sue H-S]

Hi Helena,

thank you for your compliment! It really is appreciated.

So hoping that it helps not only Leigh, but also others reading this thread. 

I pray that Leigh will call the BCC help line, should she need to talk, rather than calling forum members privately.

Being in such a vulnerable position is absolutely awful and very distressing. We so easily reach out to anyone offering us help.

And sometimes - it may be much better and more helpful to contact professional people.

Hugs

Sue x

[ladybowler]

Sue

Wow, what an amazing post, there is so much stuff that I can relate to now but also lots I am taking on board as I move on now following the end of my active treatment.  YSometimes we can not see the wood for the trees and it just takes someone looking in at us to be able help.  You are an inspiration to us all, thank you so much for this.

Loads of hugs

Helena xxx

[Sue H-S]

Hi Leigh,

I very much understand how you feel. I have been in that place and to a degree - still am.

I had my first mammogram after treatment  a couple of weeks ago and am still waiting for the results. So in many ways you are only a couple of months behind me.

Having done a reasonable amount of research re fatigue, chemo brain, etc. in my quest to find out why I was still feeling so tired and was struggling - I now know - that this can happen and is actually quite normal for some of us. Much seems to have to do with our specific chemotherapy and treatment, which may be the reason, why others seem to get there a little quicker.

It appears that there may be a number of things, which when they can come together - may cause so much distress. They certainly did and do with me.

You may wish to read up on this via this link...

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/chemo-brain

It seems to be a little bit of a vicious circle - the more we push ourselves to perform better and be better - as good as we were before all began - the more we become tired and fatigued - the more we become anxious that it will never get better - the more we worry - the more we become depressed.

It is hard to break that cycle. However we can try. It really is about tiny baby steps as only those will show us that we are really getting better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps try to think of something that you were not able to do a month ago - and whether you can do it now. Like walking up some steps and you were out of breath then - and are not out of breath anymore now. These are little things - but they are little achievements and point to us getting better - slowly. Going out for a walk at least once a day - just to get out and about - can help to improve things over time.

Physically we need to recover, too! - Oxygen feeds our muscles, body and brain - It takes 4 months for a red blood cell to be born in our bone marrow and reach maturity to be able to take on oxygen to help our muscles, body and brain to work better. For some of us the physical recovery may easily take 12 months.

You do not say, whether you are on hormone therapy. It could well be a contributing factor - if you are.

I am on Letrazole. When for one month I was given a different brand of this treatment - I became extremely depressed and anxious. After requesting to go back to my original brand - those side effects dissappeared again.

Another suggestion would also be to visit your nearest Macmillan centre. They may be able to help with some free counselling. Taking part in A Moving Forward course, which is run by the BCC may also be of help, as it may show you that you really are not alone in your struggle back to 'normality'.

Lack of finances and working....When I lost my job a couple of years ago, I was healthy - it took me 9 months and over 250 appliations to find another position, despite being healthy, well qualified with and a highly successful track record. Age may often not be on our side - it should not be like that, but unfortunately it is. Having lost my job again, because of all of this - the struggle you have is very familiar to me.

You talk about selling pictures.....it would be nice to find out more about that! Despite what your husband may say - there may be ways to turn your specific skill into at least some money....What do you have a degree in?

Your Macmillan centre may be of help. They can give advice on which benefits are accessible for you. A 'fit note' or occupational health assessment, may also be of help for you to access benefits, you may otherwise not be able to access. My 'fit note' states that I cannot work more than a certain amount of hours, not at certain times of the day and not able to work in environment, which require specific skills - such as multi tasking, pressure, etc. The general term seems to be mild cognitive dysorder due to cancer treatment. The specific hours/time of day take into consideration when I am better, rather than being badly fatigued.

Please do not give up. Try and cut down on the wine, as it is not helpful from a recurrance point of view, try and eat more healthily. Blaming yourself and blaming your body for having let you down and having put you into this position - 'punishing' it - is a very understandable thing to do. 

The Moving Forward course and the free counselling services offered by Macmillan may be of much benefit to address these issues.

Please seek the help, that especially Macmillan can give you - they were a life saver for me. 

My thoughts are with you and I hope you post more details with respect to the pictures and your degree...who knows...some of us might have some ideas, which might help. However, addressing your emotional challenges might be he first step to get you back to where you wish to be.

Heartfelt hugs

Sue x

[delly]

Good Morning my Darling Janey,

YOU can cross my thread ANYtime my little Magnolia, but can't we have something better than just one of your "ears"?!! I was just about to make my way over to the "Fluffies", see what trouble I can stir up!

Treeze, I must apologise, I was not ignoring you, Leigh had posted on TWO threads at the same time. I was just trying to catch her before she went off line to blast hers and everyone elses ears, but I missed her.

YOU, my friend have hit another nail on the head - "caught up in cancer".  It has a huge impact on every aspect of your life, not just your physical and mental state, which directly impacts your work life and abilities, but even your friendships!!  Has a habit of sorting the wheat "friends" from the chaff "friends" and that cna in itself make you feel somewhat isolated. Another reason to keep coming on here and posting, or elsewhere on others threads.

I do so wish both of you well and hope the income factors are sorted for you soon.

I wish everyone else reading and posting well also.

Dellypoos xxxx

[Janey2]

Delly we crossed threads! X

[Janey2]

Leigh and Treeze I wanted to say hi again and to add my ear - morning Delly!.
Treeze you are so close to the end of active treatment and must be exhausted. I was a bit of a mess as it all ended - still struggling now I've started back at work if I'm honest. However, I was lucky to have some income to allow me to come back slowly and I've needed that time. Is there any opportunity for you to get ESA, just in the short term and to give you the space you need? Our local Macmillan or Citizens Advice will help with benefits and work.
Leigh - you're having a tough time too. You did write so eloquently and I'm wondering if you can say everything you've put there to your GP? Your anxiety is absolutely understandable and you've so much going on. I think you may have written before about some of the struggles you have. Can you access counselling through either your GP or BC nurse. However, I wouldn't want you to think it's your fault or you need to fix anything. There is no room for shoulds, oughts or musts but a whole lot of room for compassion, which you need a whole bucket of. If you can access something, then there may also be the opportunity for your husband to speak with someone or for someone to speak with him about how things are for you. It's difficult for partners. I think there may be stuff out there on line?
Drama and painting should bring joy (like the garden for me!), so I hope you both are able to focus on those first.
Sorry for waffle but couldn't pass by xx

[delly]

Leigh, darlin'

You've "been away from this Forum" exactly at the time you needed to USE IT MOST!! Please don't EVER feel your bemoaning and poor me-ing. We've all been through awful, rough times too and probably still will. 

I've been through some utter s**t times, including feeling suicidal, because I couldn't see any future for myself either, and I'm on my ownio. This Forum has literally saved my life at times. YEH. And all due to some of the wonderful lovelies on here !! (Thanks again girls, you all know who you are).

Do you know what I think?  All this "mindfulness is all really good stuff, But . . . sometimes it's good to just totally switch off.  

Such as watch something that's just brainless and cheerful, that doesn't involve loadsa violence and gore, that isn't at ALL heavily serious or sad. I have a collection of "Feel Good" dvds. If I watch tv, I tend to only watch comedic programmes these days. I seldom watch the news, which may be considered as burying my head in the sand. I don't care, well . . I do really as some of it is relevant and I never know what's going on. Tend to rely on other people to tell me if something major's going on. I didn't know Theresa May had been elected Primeminister till two weeks after!! Same with that clown of a man, Trump !!

I Living in a detached house, also have lots of ownio parties, LOUD music,singing at the top of my voice, thinking I can sing. I definitely think I can dance. Singing's good for the mind, it's been proved. Not so good for other people's "minds" if you can't sing in tune and they're present to it!! But they'll just have to lump it because it HAS to be all about YOU for the time being, whilst you're struggling and basically still recovering. The dancing, however, is a really enjoyable way for me to "workout". I exhaust myself, but at the same time get all the endorphins - seratonin going.

The problem is, even though you may be physically recovered, there's still a great deal of INVISIBLE mental recovery for you yet. And some of it, quite frankly, you may not ever fully recover from. Unfortunately this god awful disease tends to leave a seed, that however much you push it back to the recesses of your head or brain, things will pop up along the way such as your yearly Mammo check, or in everyday life. Such as coming across another BC woman and chatting about, exchanging your experiences. All of a sudden you'll find yourself in tears with what resurfaces from out of those recesses.

Put some boppy music on and come and do some silly Delly dancing with ME, sit and watch daft Tom and Jerry cartoons, Despicable me, Shrek, Mamma Mia or a good rom-com The Holiday, Pretty oman, Love actually, Notting Hill. Doesn't matter how many times you've seen them. TV recommendations - The Big Bang Theory, Frasier, Terms of Engagement, You've been Framed, Vicky Wood, French and Saunders, Abfab, Vicar of Dibley, old episodes of The Good Life, Morcombe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Les Dawson's out of tune piano playing!! gets me every time! Animal/wildlife programmes. All Delly's Therapy to be taken as often as you need or like.

Pleeease stop giving yourself a hard time in thinking you should be "right" by now. You're body and mind have been through a massive majorly traumatic experience. Don't ever underestimate that and be GENTLE with and on yourself.You also needs lots of long hugs with people - TOUCH is such a HEALING thing. Start demanding some flower. I'm gonna send both you and Treeze one of my extra, extra especially  l  o  n  g, tight and warm ones right now !!!! (((((Delly/Leigh/Treeze)))))))   Ooooooooooo, yerrr nice. 

(I was wanting to talk/chat with you about your job situ etc.)

Mucho luvo to everybody

DoolallyDelly xxxxxxxxxx 

[delly]

Morning girlies,
We should start up an early birds thread. I used to run a "Night Birds" one (note the "pun" Birds as in cockney for girls!!) but I think I became the only one keeping weird hours.
Leigh I've pm'd you with my phone no's. Pick up the phone and have a direct chat with me. Suspect you've gone of to blast every one awake - that'd be naughty !! xxx

[Treeze]

Leigh..hi..felt I can relate to what you say so much and wanted to say hi.I will also have to look for work soon.I live alone and should be working..that's what I feel.I'm just coming up to 3 months post op and only finish rads on Monday.I also had kidney cancer as well as breast so my body is nothing like the body I had, I feel.I've been paid all this time for my support afternoon work which I great but need extra income from a morning job.I was cleaning..I like it and it was stress free unlike other work but physically I wonder how I would ever do it again.I have nightmares about looking for work and hating it, people not liking me etc.My and my friends lives are based on our love of acting and I've just taken on a role as I worry it's use it or lose it.Now realise how different and alienated I feel from even my closest friends and actors.concentration and ability to learn and focus makes me realise how caught up in cancer I've become.Hard for other things to be of any consequence.now my elderly dad is poorly and I'm lying awake worrying about him.you write very eloquently.I wish you a better day today.x

[delly]

Good Morning Leigh,

What as couple of early biirds we are, mine's that I've not actually been to bed. 

I haven't read your posts yet, but just wanted to let you know I'm here and on it, so to speak, so give me 5 minutes lovey, cos I read s l o w l y and I'll be back in a mo.

xxxx

[Leigh446]

Sue thanks for that.

i just tried to reply and lost the whole wildly depressed message which was probably just as well.

ive been off this forum trying to stop wallowing and get on, and of course I'm now in a right state

, so it's very very good to cling on to your message. Until a helpline opens. Why is this so darn hard and exhausting? When's. It going to stop? Not funny any more. 

Right! Cup of tea and Stiff Upper! Or can I just cry for an hour till the kids and hubby wake up and I have them to cope with for an entire weekend. Not actually sure I can cope. But we do, we always have to and we do. Sorry. Putting kettle on , find book to read . Go me!

[Leigh446]

Sue,

thank you for that post.

ive not been on this forum for a while, thinking that maybe I was wallowing, and it's time I got over this. My first year mamm. Is in March after all. Already a year! And yet yes, still puzzled at what happened and how I 'should' be feeling. I do everything you mention - be hard on myself cos I'm taking too long to get better, exhausted from anxiety, should be eating veggie and doing yoga, and I'm not. I think I've wasted a year trying to be better for everyone and beating myself to do so, like a tired old donkey!

at the moment for some reason, my anxiety is beyond the scale. We have money worries- I just don't seem to have able to find work, and obviously I'm doing something wrong. My husband says, ' but you have a degree! You should get a proper job' but  no one seems to want me and shop work seems to come with the delights of childcare costing more than I'd earn. The eternal wail of a mother trying to get back to work! I'd like to sell my pictures and again, hubby says they won't earn proper money and stop messing about. So now I'm huddled and anxious like a rabbit in the headlights.

everyone else seems to make good decisions and have things to look forward to and opportunities. I really can't see any future that isn't bleak and miserable.

its all just too much and I don't know how to cope now. I'm so tired. Can't sleep, and am turning to wine..which really doesn't help. More guilt and beating up of self!

guess I should call the helpline on Monday! But in the meantime I'm reading your post, and others on this forum, searching for reassurance that it's normal! Though I'd sure like it to stop now, not funny any more.

thanks, sorry for the rant. Think I might be getting depressed! Help!

[Sue H-S]

Hi Leigh446

Thanks for saying 'Hi' and so glad to know you are finding our postings, when we share our challenges, of help.

We all may have different problems, but our diagosis and treatments form a common bond of understanding.

We often put ourselves under so much pressure to be, who we were, before our diagnosis and treatment.

We face comments, such as - your treatment is over, so all is back to normal - why can you not be the way you were - you should be able to do...by now...Comments, which come from people, who have no idea of what a cancer diagnosis can do to you or what effect treatment has on us, not only physically, but also mentally.

We have to fight for our rights, understanding and help, when we are at our lowest and really do not have the strength to do so.

And - we feel pressured, inadequate, not good enough.We dislike ourselves for not being able to live up to others expectations of us, we get frustrated with ourselves for not 'getting better' quick enough.

We can become depressed, because we do not know how to be the way people expect us to be - simply because we do not have the strength and energy. We fear recurrence and have lost trust in our instincts regards our body and our health. We have lost confidence to travel or be away from our home for longer periods of time - because we fear that fatigue makes it hard to get back to our safe place.

And that is apart from what we feel about ourselves, how we look, not liking to look in the mirror let alone learning how to love ourselves and our bodies again. There is no set time scale by which we could hope to put some of these challenges behind us, which makes it even harder for us.

I realise, I am  generalising - however feel that many can identify in one way or another with above.

What can we do?

Use this forum and write about how we feel, to find out we are not 'odd' and that it is quite normal to feel as we do.

Forgive ourselves for not being 'perfect' and learn to give ourselves time to heal the invisible, hoeer long it may take.

Find counselling services via our breast care nurse or a Macmillan centre. 

Baby steps - tiny little baby steps on a road, which for some of us is a long one.

                           

Hugs

Sue xx

[Leigh446]

Just reading threads for reassurance and it's lovely the love and support that comes across here. Even though I haven't joined in the chat, it feels like you are all there and stops me feeling quite so alone and confused. Thank you for sharing! And good luck to Pete! 

[delly]

Hi AJT

Hope your Fridays meeting went well. What a good idea to meet up with others who are sharing the same type of cancer. That must help a lot.

Don't forget what Sue said about the Citizens Advice Bureau. I know that she and quite a number of others have found their help and advice invaluable.

Hope to hear from you soon

Much Love

delly xxx

[AJT]

• Hi Delly and Sue, It's really nice to talk to you both again and so kind of you to offer advice, support and smiles from Delly too! I never fail to leave this forum with a smile on my face courtesy of you Delly! You 2 ladies are a special breed! I think all of us touched by this flaming awful cancer have a bond we share and gives us an understanding of others troubles and problems too.Sue, thanks for the advice about MacMillan etc. In Wales there is a cancer charity called Tenovus. We have been in touch with them and they are helping with practical, advice and support . Younare so right about the DWP! Kick you when you are down and treat you as if you are something on the sole of their shoe. So degrading. We are still waiting to hear from them, 10days later. Thats all we seem to do lately Iis wait. Having had cancer 4 times, waiting for another op and seeing your wife going through cancer is no big deal to them. Well, when this is all sorted I will definitely be out to name and shame them! I hope you are taking care not to over do it Sue. Tiredness really does drag you down. You ladies amaze me that you go through so much and yet still have time to support others like me. Well ladies, I am going to try and sleep now. We are off to Addenbrookes in Cambridge to see the Oncologist who specializes in Pete's type of cancer. We meet up with the others in the same boat, just 5 this time. Also the oncologist etc , sit and have a meal in an informal setting and then an hour long appointment in the hospital on Friday. A long way to go but so helpful to Pete and reassuring for him and me as well. Take care ladies and look after yourselvex. Thankyou so much for caring, I really appreciate it. Speak soon love Alison xx

[delly]

I understand what you are saying. I think you're chastising yourself Sue, because of and for, you not feeling yet up to "par" and able, as you did before your BC experience. But don't let any of it make you feel "guilty" - you really don't have any cause or reason to, given what you have been through, which is a MAJORLY, physically and mentally traumatic experience. What is it that saying that soooo many tell us - "Be kind/gentle to yourself"?!!  And Sue, it's what YOU would also say to anyone else! 

That goes for the rest of you/us. 

Love to all

Delly xxx

[Sue H-S]

Hiya Delly,

Thanks - I have just needed some time out. Been doing some part time stuff for friends of mine over the weekend. Fatigue really is my enemy. I can just about work 1/2 day and that is it.

We shall see how it all goes - my little 'baby' is slowly growing, although I simply do not have the mental energy to really put all of me behind it yet. I makes me feel guilty, that I cannot. But all in all - babysteps, lol.

Hope you are keeping well.

Hugs

Sue xx

[delly]

Hi Sue-flower - Glad you posted. I was wondering how you were? Are you ok as in well? and are things progressing any on the job finding front??

Delly xxx