I spent quite a lot of time feeling I was a bit of a fraud, cos I looked fine, felt fine, so this BC stuff whas probably not so real as I would like it to be. But BC is BC and whatever level we have its still scary stuff, so don't feel that you are overreacting. I've had a coupe of what have become locally famous 'meltdowns' despite thinking its all manageable, treatable, etc. Its just part of the process, and there's no pattern to when these meltdowns will happen. It all depends on a lot of things, and the support you get or not from your relevant OH will contribute. But I have found it to be a big mistake to expect perfection from your OH at this point, they are going through lots of stuff too, for the first time just like us, and its hard for them too. So I've lightened up on my bloke, who is really lovely in the big scheme of things, just doesn't do mindreading!!
Stay easy with yourself.
I was very lucky in that my husband was able to attend all of my appointments with me, he was also able to take me to radiotherapy every day. What I found helpful was to have all the questions I needed to ask typed up on a sheet of A4. It just made me feel more in control of my situation and helped me convey certain worries a bit better. The consultants I saw were happy for me to do this and at the end of my treatment said it made things easier as I was getting to the point of what I wanted to say.
Sorry to hear about you finding the clinic visits trying.
I find clinic visits difficult - mainly because I don't cry. But I do sometimes find it very difficult to say what I want, or perhaps ask for another opinion. I'm sure we all find it the same. So often I come out of appointments with very mixed up feelings, which take some days to settle down. I think the flipside of not crying is feeling angry inside. I had a major falling out with a elderly male GP I'd had for years after a very tactless remark, and after that I started to try to find a way of organising things so that I felt better and supported, not criticised and put down. I have a new GP for a start.
I have gone to most appointments on my own. My OH has a funny way with doctors, as he is one of these people who needs to come over as ultra nice and friendly, despite the fact that its not about him. This makes clinic appointments stressful, because he doesn't take into account how I'm feeling, just himself. I have to say that smiling and joking with the dr is not much help to me, and in fact has been counterproductive. I think its nerves makes him do it. He was a wonder during radiotherapy, as the totally taciturn therapist nattered on at him, like they were old buddies. It was the only time he ever went! Says a lot really about hospital staff.
I do get teary - but its often silly things - I was in the changing rooms in M&S with a hideous dress in 2 sizes larger than normal. Cried and cried.
Take care and try not to worry about the staff in the clinic, just yourself, and if the feelings come out as tears, that's fine. K x
Particularly at the beginning when I was trying to get my head round the whole thing I was fine until someone was nice to me, and then I'd fall to pieces. I blubbed my heart out in the high street when I bumped into my GP on Christmas Eve and she gave me a hug (bless her!) and I told her off for being nice!
I think it is a good thing if you are able to cry and let your feelings out - I have never been able to do this regarding my illness and treatment. Instead I just used to get angry, which didn't really help anyone.
Ditto here! I've cried whenever I've gone to the clinic. I think a combination of it suddenly feeling more real and clinical (at home it's so surreal as I don't feel ill etc) and also people being really nice to me! As soon as someone touches my arm and tells me I'm brave, my lip starts quivering and the tears start flowing almost to say "no, I'm not"!
But we are all brave. And will continue to be so.
Cry whenever the bl**dy h*ll you want to!! I'm going to.
dont ever feel pathetic or weak ,i have got to the point of agitation just going to gp for perscription have gone really hospital phobic(maybe a real word for that)i think it is a normal release you are not alone x
I thought I had sent a reply this morning but it doesn't seem to have appeared.
During treatment I also cried every time I went to see my bcn. She seemed to ask the right questions to start me off. I think it may be because I felt safe talking to her, and knew that it was better to cry with her than with my family or friends. I am sure she worried about me as she made me go and see her between every chemo session. It is only the last couple of times I have been there that I haven't cried.
Hi happyshopper, there is diffinitely nothing to feel ashamed off. Tears are a brilliant release of stress and tension and indicate our true feelings. I was diagnosed nearly two years ago and through just talking to a friend about the day I was told it was BC I suddenly started to cry out of the blue without any warning or indication it was going to happen. These feelings are inside us and often buried quite deeply, lets face it, it is most peoples nightmare to be told they have BC and we always have that horrible feeling it could come back. So never worry about your tears they are a safety valve.
I agree with chocciemuffin might be better to take someone other than OH if he belittles your feelings re BC.
I know how you feel, had a mini meltdown yesterday, waiting to be discharged from hospital after my risk reducing mx on other side. Luckily I have a very supportive BNC nurse who just listened and then gave me a big hug. Anyway decided that she will refer me to the phychologist for counselling. This is something I would never had considered pre BC as I wasn't one who asked for help. However, one thing BC has taught me is to accept offers of help and sometimes even ask for help. This has been an enlightening experience both in positive and negative ways.
I think however we deal with our emotions at these appointments is ok, whether it is tears, stoic silence or humour and I've done all three. I know our OH and onc's prefer the later 2 but for me it's what ever gets me through.
Thinking of you,
Happyshopper, do you have someone else you can take with you to appointments? From what you've described it's not particularly helpful or supportive having your OH there, so perhaps a good friend would make you feel less stressed? There's no point him being there if he's just going to make you feel worse, so probably best to leave him at home and tell him what happened later on.
wow, thank you all for your lovely, kind comments.
What it is - I had to go to the breast clinic yesterday to get results of an ultrasound scan which I had done on my neck after finding a lump there a few weeks ago. thankfully, the consultant said that the scan showed a lymph node, but that it didn't look suspicious. Cue first lot of tears. He then went on to say that would do a CT scan of my neck in about 4 months time as a precaution. Cue second lot of tears and now passed box of tissues.
In fact, I only have to set foot in the place to start welling up.
My husband was with me but is not very supportive- sits and looks as me as if to say "oh no, not crying again". Thing is, I was diagnosed 7 years ago and really think I should be able to keep it together- I know he does.
Then the next lot of tears come as he confirms that I now need to stop Arimidex(this was stopped by the registrar in the previous clinic 2 weeks ago(when he examined my neck) I feel like my security blanket has just been ripped away from me and not given anything in it's place. Even more tears when I explained that the registrar had told me then how "well I'd done to get to 7 years". well, to my mind if I've done well to get this far, that was because of the arimidex, and now you are taking it away from me! (now floodgates open). Consultant said that it was a positive thing that registrar had said and i had taken it negatively - my hubbie agreed with consultant. In fact, when we got outside he said that I should stop getting so negative all the time.
I'm sorry to go on , especially as so many on here have so many more worries and things to deal with. Gosh, feel better already for writing it down. I'm sorry for being so pathetic - it's just that I have 2 beautiful children who I so desperately want to see all grown up....
What they ^ said.
There is no rule that says everyone has to be a paragon of bravery and the clinic is where many of us got bad news. It's scary there.
And please don't think you can't post that kind of thing on here - if not here, where else can you offload with people who REALLY understand?
Happyshopper, never ever feel that you are pathetic or a baby, its a bloody hard thing to deal with, and you have a right to be scared and upset. Dont be hard on yourself.
big hugs xxxxx
Oh HS poor you It really is OK to feel rubbish and a completely crying wreck and no not a crying cry baby,when going to breast clinic. That is where it all went pear shaped for us all wasn't it? Sweetie hope you can come to terms with what is going on for you.Keep well J xx
It is not being pathetic or a cry baby! This is very scary stuff to deal with and we all react differently to each step - I had my first total snivelling wreck moment when I went to just enquire about wigs having taken everything else apparently calmly! Don't feel silly sharing and posting about something like this - you are not alone and we do understand.
Do you have someone to go to appointments with you? Sometimes this can help, especially if you are in the very early stages of testing and waiting for full diagnosis as it can be so hard to take it all in alone.
sorry, i deleted the post because I felt silly and selfish posting it. Just about me being a snivelling, tearful wreck at the breast clinic today (and everytime I go to breast clinic) because i am a pathetic cry baby and should be better
HS what exactly do you mean ? J xx
Can you explain, hs?