Wobbling

[Maria12]

Thank you steph xx

[Steph J]

Hi Pineapples and Maria 

Iv been reading your threads . I really am sending you best wishes and hugs . Cant imagine what youre feeling I can only guess its a very scary place  . I was very fortunate that I have only needed surgery but Iv met lots of women who have also walked in your shoes and some still are ...its amazing how strong they are and there is /has been light at the end of the tunnel . Good luck girlies ..thinking of you xxx

[Maria12]

Hi pineapple , had a good normal day yesturday .regarding the picc line the nurse doing it was lovely and tbh it was nothing like i thought it would be lol i felt sick just reading the leaflets and im the biggest woose when it comes to needles ( low veins) .slight pin prick and feeling of something going up your vein but not in a bad way and literally only for few seconds all done in 20 mins and that included making sure i felt ok after , slight pain like a pin prick whilst moving arm in the evening but i just took paracetamol , hope this reassures you a little .i asked about breathlessness and lightheadedness she said it could be animia, dehydration or axiety , been told to up my water intake ..when does your chemo start ? X

[Pineapples]

Thank you Maria  <<hugs>>

I'm also dreading the start of all this. I have an important appointment tomorrow and next week 2. I'm usually very strong and feeling so odd that I don't this time. I feel very vulnerable. It's tough having to deal with others' views and opinions as well.

when the breathing and fainting feeling comes try to think of the contact you have on here and that we are thinking of you. Try to slow your breathing down gently. It will ease. I've had afew of these moments. felt like I was being swallowed up. had to say to myself slow down. breathe. 

How did having the line put it today go? Haven't got mine yet. Had call form bcn about it...made it very real. have moments when still cannot believe this is happening to me. I can totally understand struggling to get moving/out of bed. cannot wait to flop tonight and be. Had really difficult night last night so hope tonight easier.hope.

hope bcn and support at hosipital help. here too. tlc

[Maria12]

Thank you pineapples , im now starting to dread having to start it keep worrying about whst could go wrong .Hate the fact im feeling like this as im normally a very strong person who gets on with things .having my line put in today so going to talk to hospital as ive been feeling bit weird this week .feeling like i cant keep up with my breathing and yesturday i stuggled to get out of bed as i kept feeling like i was going to faint , not things ive really had before so god help me when i start chemo lol x

[Pineapples]

Hello Maria12
I just want to send you hugs and my very best thoughts.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I feel your fears re chemo and managing. I'm worry about how to get myself through the coming weeks and months...keep hearing the others on her say day or day by day...
Don't have a magic wand...if only...just sending you my best and letting you know I'm listening. Hugs

[Janet M]

Keep strong everybody X...i also find swearing, ( in your head preferably ), eating lots of chocolate and emailing complaining about something kind of helps ...

[Maria12]

Hi pineapple hope your feeling a little better , start my chemo next week .have a feeling im going to struggle with it .Not had any treatment yet apart from the scans , marker clips bloods ect .as its been everyweek of something irs all hitting me already .seem to be constantly tired .past 2 days my lymph nodes have ached which has made lifting my arm difficult , yesturday had marker clips in and probe to look at my ovarys , this morning i felt so dizzy i struggled to get out of bed .so god help me when i start chemo lol x

[Maria12]

Hi maldives , yeah i am finding my tolerance levels of people a bit low , but think thats cause this thing is constantly on my mind .I have a couple of friends who are great but lately have me feel suffocated , its sounds ungrateful , but im not , im just so independant usually and the constant fussing and telling me what i should do did get me down a couple of days last week .my youngest boy is 12 and he kept asking once chemo and surgery is done will it be gone , told him i dont plan on going anywhere and the consultants have said no different they seem quite postive that chemo will shrink it for surgery and removal of underarm lymphs .he also just been hit with this bug thats bern doing the rounds so think he is finding harder to deal with today as he feels so poorly .my eldest is 26 and lives in london and plan to see him on sunday , it maybe easier for him as he has not lived at home for 7 years due to uni . we only see each other every few months since his move to london x

[Pineapples]

Hello Maria12
Haven't been on here for few days or night. Doesn't mean I haven't though of you all. It's been really busy here. Not in a nice way. Hoping can settle tonight and sleep. You too. X

[Pineapples]

Thank you for your message Steph J. I've had a really busy and stressful for few days. Thank you for your comforting words. I shall look into maggies and yes think support from fellow ladies aka girls lol 😀 Probably the best. Others just don't understand and say cruel things.

[Maldives]

Hi again just read through the posts. Should have done that first. Your son sounds lovely how old is he? How did you get on telling your older son? You sound like you have a very close relationship with your son. Hes a brave little boy and will keep you strong and fighting. I have three daughters and two grandaughters 11& 8. They ask a lot of frank questions and i get letters too from them. i have always been honest with them but at thier level of understanding. Like - will the cancer go nanny, will you get better. I just say no it wont go but the doctors give me special medicine to keep me well. - Sending you a big hug and another one. Xx

[Maldives]

Hi maria
Do you find you are much less tollorant of people as time goes on. Like you im getting to be very direct. If your friend is not speaking to you over that shes no friend. You can do without them. No one xan understand unless they are going through or have veen through this. Thats why its good to have acess to you lovely ladies xxx

[Maria12]

Thank you janet and steph for your kind words xx

[Janet M]

Thank you Steph ..yes i got through today ..lovely friends have been phoning and im finding im having to comfort them which is not only very touching its actually helping me too to give myself a shake ! Its this in limbo out of control feeling isnt it ? ..i hate the not really knowing whats all ahead and just want and need to get on with it . Tuesday will be the day for all that so" a treat " has to be on the agenda !..NOW is the time ladies to deny yoursevles nothing !! sending a hug X

[Janet M]

Thinking of you Maria , i know, thats the hardest part telling the people you love, especially children . He will take his lead from you so you will stay strong for his sake . I found the first time my family worried more by me not being calmly honest with them and trying to spare them the worry . This time i have told them everything from the start and how i intend to get through it . Keep positive , its a long journey we are on and we will all help to get through it . Sending you a hug X

[Steph J]

Hi Maria 

Im sure your open and approach will help you both enormously .. he sounds a lovely boy . Hope all goes well with your other son . Take care ..big hugs xxx

[Maria12]

Ladybowler, i am he is an amazing young boy ,i asked his opinion about wigs , as im personally not worried about having one , but told him i just want him to feel ok as possible his reply " i don't mind , hair or no hair your still my mum and hair comes back " cue the waterworks xx

[ladybowler]

Maria

What a wonderful relationship you have with your son, you must be so proud of him xxxx

[Maria12]

Thank you so much steph , hug has definitely been received 😃 he is such a kind hearted , well behaved kid and im so proud of him ..think he asked me about 8 times after all the treatment will it be gone , all i could say was i had no intention of going any where and the consultants seemed positive ..i have such a good relationship with him , to start with he seemed to be just questions , then about 10 mins after we stopped chatting he came down stairs and broke down .today ive had lots of cuddles but he seems ok .think the chemo and little things may knock him more now .next weekend i have to go to london to tell my 26 year old but he has been through cancer himself, so hoping he will handle better ..xx

[Steph J]

Hi Maria 

Im reading through the posts and yours really touched me . I felt I just wanted to reach out and give you the biggest hug n squeeze that I could . It must be heart wrenching for you as a mum to have to go through that experience with your son . I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you . I have no words to offer ... but I have heard you . Steph xxxx

[ladybowler]

Ladies

Wobbly days allow us to get out all the emotion that we have been building up over a period of time, no matter how long it is we need to be able to acknowledge those days and get through them.  You know you are in a safe place here to let out what you do not want to in front of your friends and family, no matter how understanding they are you still see the fear in them and that does get to you.

I think we would all agree that no matter where you are in this journey, we all have those days when it can be why me? what if? , but we get so much love and support on here during those times it allows us to release that and help to pick us up and put us back on our feet again.

The reactions that we get from people vary dramatically and it can be hard to deal with people who appear to be "brushing" off what you have just told them as nothing at all.  We need to give them time to digest what we have just told them, quite often we have had longer to come to terms with it than they have.  If they come round to it and are able to provide support no matter how much or little, then fab if they dont then you just need to let them go but do not feel guilty about it, this is about you not them you can not own their issues.

Well it is very wet here today in Birmingham after what looked like a promising start so I am going to sit and watch the bowls final on TV this after, then get everything ready for back to work tomorrow, oh joy.

Sending you all loads of hugs and remember we are always there for you

Helena xx

[Steph J]

Hi Maldives

Just read your post .. all I can say to you is try not to take it personal . I found people didnt know how to respond or what to say . I was surprised by a lot of people myself ..but gradually I discovered it was mainly down to their own inability to deal with it . And some people were uncomfortable with my attitude too . 

So although I didnt have bad experiences with professionals as Pineapple has .. I found it easier to come on here and talk aswell as speaking to girlies up here at home who had BC too rather than friends who had no experience of such things . 

This is the place to vent .. and you are listened to . There will always be someone reading and sending you hope and positivity through cyper space even if you dont know it xxx

[Steph J]

Hi Janet M 

Sorry to hear that you find yourself back in the c club .. I imagine  having it once before makes it no less scary if anything perhaps more .

Sending you lots of  hugs and hope you get through today ... dont know where you live but it certainly isnt sunny here up north ha ... 

Best wishes xxxx

[Maria12]

Hi janet , think we are entitled to wobbles , im normally quite a strong person and ive prob cried more in past 2 weeks since diagnose than about 4 years .it just seems to creep up on me .my worst was yesturday when i told my 12yr old son , in tears before even opening my mouth and i had it all planned id be tuff and hold it together . Just thinking about the look on his face makes me cry x wouldnt wish this on anyone x

[Maria12]

Maldives , i agree regarding what to say to some peoples remakes .though it sounds harsh it weedles out who is really there for you . I said to a friend the other day who basically seemed quite patronising " god forbid if you ever go through something like this, then tell me how you bloody feel " .not going to lie i felt awful after as it not in my nature to be horrible , this person has not spoke to me since .guess it showed really .im slowly realising the people who are there though thick or thin for me and who are willing to listen to my fears xx

[Janet M]

Today is my first " wobbly ", one i suspect of many that will come when i least expect it in the months ahead. I was diagnosed 3 days ago and although the results were expected ( having had endometrial cancer before some years ago ), i had forgotton how bad the" wobbly " days can be .. so im sitting here reading the threads of all you wonderful brave ladies and i can feel your strengh reaching me . I will let myself indulge in 10 minutes of a damn good cry , then shower , put a face on and get out and walk my lovely rescue dog in the sunshine . " This too will pass " dear friends and we will turn the corner to once again see the sun . Keep strong and seize the day X

[Maldives]

Hi pinapples
I hope you are asleep and not reading this 02.33am. As you can see im awake.
My heart goes out to you. Friends and family can be very cruel and they dont realise it. Its not worth fighting with them as you may need thier suĺoport later down the line. The next on that says that to you say"really. How do you think you would feel if your told you have cancer. I need your support right now not your flipant remarks. Ha did i say dont fall out (lol). It might make them stop and think. Good luck one day at a time xx

[Steph J]

Hi Pineapples 

so sad to read your posts about communication with medics ..and lack of compassion from BCN  . Thats a real shame . I have come across such comments before and glad to say it seems a minority . However that does not help you at all . When I was first diagnosed I was introduced to a BCN and she was okish .. but I ended up speaking to another one who turned out to be my allocated point of contact ..it ended up I was referred to another hospital and saw another nurse . Two out of  the three were fab to talk to ...so hopefully they may be another nurse at your hospital who you will feel supported by .. The other option is phoning the nurse line on this site as I did a couple of times in the beginning . The nurses I spoke to were lovely . Not sure about you but in the beginning I had so many questions ...and I found being able to ring this site really useful . 

Once I got my head around things I found I didnt rely as much on the nurses and got my comfort and answers from the girls on here ..I was fortunate enough to be introduced to two ladies ( prefer to say girls ha ) in my area who had gone through their surgery and treatment already and were more than happy to meet me and basically just chat . Both of them positive but had very different ways of explaining things ...one lady focused on her feelings and how to deal with the journey and the other was more about the surgery and how she managed her recovery and life now . 

So I guess Im trying to say dont let your experience with some not so good professionals dampen your mood .. you will find another way and people who you will have faith in .

Not sure if you have a Maggies Centre  located in your hospital anywhere but they are a national organisation . I was put on to them by a Beautician who told me to put myself down for the pamper session , and I did and it was lovely . I also met other women there too .. so you can widen your support network yourself . You may not be ready for things like that just yet but there are other people if you look . Youre definately not on your own . Big hugs and squeezes xxx

[Maria12]

Thank you pineapples .i just keep think how long 8 months away is .never had so many thoughts in my head .worry so much about will it spread inbetwen appointments and is it getting bigger .think 4.4 cm is scary enough x

[Pineapples]

Thank you for your speedy reply Susan...

I'm glad you had that support. I feel that my contact and communication from medics to me is not, so far, very sensitive or supportive. It's not helping me to feel at ease with the situation.

Will see how the next contact goes with them and her and see if I can see one of the other nurses if this proves a difficult relationship. it would be so nice to have some positive contact.

xo

[Pineapples]

Hello Maria12,

Thank youf ro your message and support. It really does mean a lot to me and yes I do get how it takes over and is just siting in wait in the back of our minds.

Trying to have a slower evening so that I'm more relaxed before bed. Hope the emotions will relax a bit too. Was so tense last night and into today. I get the 'wish I could go back to the me before I found out'. I'm glad I know now not later but it's really rocked me. I  hope I will get stronger like some of the other ladies on here. In time...

Thinking of you and hoping that you to have a better day tomorrow and can have a few calmer soother moments. xo

[ladybowler]

Pineapples

I would expect you can expect a much more enphatetic answer than that!!  My nurse arranged to see me and talk through my feelings, ok she did say that they were normal, but she really got me which helped immenselyug xx

Sending you a hug xx

[Pineapples]

Thank you Helly and Jo C. Really good of you to post and give your support thank you. Thank you for saying it will get better and easier. It helps to hear that -- puts things into context...that I will get used to the bc diagnosis and will get stronger dealing with all that it entails.

Thank you hugs

[Pineapples]

Hello Susan,

Thank you for your comfort last night. It helped.  I watched a film for a bit and got so tired I had to close my eyes. Hope you slept too?

I'm waiting for complete results. I have some but have a couple more tests to do - MRI.

On that note I had a call from my BCN after I left a message for her to ring me. Is it normal for them to be quite clipped when one mention's their feelings? She brushed me off and said of course you are feeling up and down. that's normal. end of story. What can I expect from contact with BCN?

xo

[Pineapples]

Hello Steph,

Thank you so much for your message. Thank you for saying my thoughts are being listened to. That meant a lot. It really is a comforting place. Thank you for helping to put me at ease. hugs

[Maria12]

Hi pineapples ,hope today is better for you .Ive found this bloody thing has taken over my life since diagnose , it sits in the back of your mind even when your trying to have a day not thinking about it .I have some people i have told say the same to me its ok , its fine you just got to get on with it be positive .Day before my bone scan results my shoulders and back was hurting for 2 days so i was in panic mode , i practically jumped down the throat of one of my male friends cause he seemed very patronising like it was no big deal , found myself saying something i shouldnt of said and tbh its very out of character for me .i dont think people realise the constant nagging fear that having this gives you .it has changed me in past two weeks some days i cant see past it and i wish it wasn't constantly in my head and i could go back to being me before i found out x

[newtothis86]

Pineapples dear,

You shouldn't feel alone - please give me a call if you want - I'd be more than happy to chat X

Please let me know how you get on, I'm thinking of you and sending you big HUGS xxx

[helly18]

Hi pineapples, it can feel pretty grim at this part of your "journey"  and the fear is overwhelming at times.  Just to say that I was were you are at this point last year and it does get "easier" to manage, I had surgery,  chemo and rads and have now returned to work  and it all feels a bit surreal now. I still have wobbly times but it feels a different kind of wobbly which probably doesn't make sense but it will at a later date!!! Sending a gentle hug your way xxxx

[Jo C]

Hi Pineapples,

Just wanted to pop on and say hello.  We are all here for you and have felt just the same.  I had so many wobbly days (and that's putting in mildly...I was a wreck) and never thought that I would get any normality back.  It does come back though and you will get there.  It's the uncertainty and the waiting that is the worst. 

Keep coming on here and venting whenever you need to.  There will always be someone along to talk to you. Be kind to yourself.  What you are feeling is very normal but will pass. You will have good days again but for now, cherish the good moments and accept the bad ones.

Big hugs,

Jo xx

[Silverlady]

Good morning Pineapples,

How are you today?

I hope you eventually got some sleep last night.

What is the next step in your journey along this long and twisty road? Are you waiting for results or scans?

Susan

[Steph J]

Hi Pineapples 

Iv just read your post and hope that you are having a better day .Fear is a horrible emotion to experience and tough when theres no one to hold and cuddle you , unfortunately this journey has its ups and downs but you can and will get through . Ride the bad days , embrace the good ones is all you can do . Dont be hard on yourself and keep coming on here ..its a comforting place . Your thoughts are being listened to and lots of hugs and best wishes are being sent to you . Steph xx

[Silverlady]

You are most welcome.

I have had many wobbles on here & have received support & kindness when I needed it.

You come on here and rant and rave and we will catch you as you fall.

I hope you have a good sleep.

I have some kryptonite tough pants you can borrow if you need them.

Susan ❤️

[Pineapples]

Thank you Susan for posting and putting it exactly how I feel. The fear is so tangible it's unbelievable. Thank you for saying you wish you could take it away for me. Thank you for your kindness.

Yes I can see how that is a very good and helpful way of dealing with the real world. Not to fight other people's responses to this and to accept - gradually I'm afraid- that they do think it's a cure and gone. One friend said at least it's been caught early and the treatment is pretty routine and straightforward. I hadn't given any info to this person other than I have bc. I think I'm best to follow your lead. Keep the positive gonna beat it of course etc to them and be more true to me and my feelings on here. I certainly have so far.

Thank you for saying it does get better. Thank you for the hope.

Trying to settle and calm. Thank you

[Pineapples]

Thank you so much for what you have said. I'm so glad I've been of help to you. That does make me feel better. I think all the odd remarks back from friends have taken their toll and its got to me. Thank you for hugs. Shall try to sleep so can manage tomorrow better. Thank you for posting and being there tlc

[Silverlady]

Big hugs Pineapples,

This is a horrible time and a lot of people are only aware of the fluffy pink ribbon BC, not the reality, they don't understand the terrifying fear you are experiencing.  In their minds you are being cured and everything is o.k.

What you are feeling is very normal and I have experienced the same heart stopping, breathless fear and like you I came on here.  I always discuss the real stuff on here, but in the real world, I'm all positive & I'm going to beat it attitude.

I promise you, it does get better.

I wish I could take the fear from you. 

Susan xx

[jjleeds]

You helped me hold ot together a few times over the last few days and now its your turn to wobble x Like you said to me feel free to vent and dont be sorry x Thats what we are all here for x Sending hugs and thanks too for the support you have given. Hope you sleep and dont beat yourself up x we are all human

[Pineapples]

Hello all,

Really sorry this is going to come out all blubbery. I had a better day then a couple of things happened with others around me and wham I'm back to a wibbling wreck. Im so not like this. I've had medical problems in the past but this hits me right between the eyes etc.

Feel very alone - please don't take that the wrong way, I'm so grateful and thankful for your support- it's what's about to come that's the problem. Dr didn't think my lump was anything. Almost passed me by and it's come back not so good. Trying to take things slow and breathe but having a flap. Really upset. Really worried about getting myself through coming months.

Shaking and trying not to think about it but it's so overwhelming. When I talk with friends they just say 'ok' and move on. I want to scream it's not 'ok' how is it at all ok. They say they are worrying and don't know what to say. I'm asking for us to talk about it but they say nothing. Then move on again and change subject. Everything feels very surreal. Sorry if I sound like a crazy woman and should pull myself together. I just can't seem to when the wobbles happen.

Cannot say any more...getting too upset and far gone for this time of night. It's tough being on your own and .. sorry I know it must be difficult if you've got loved ones there...I'm sorry. Don't know what I'm thinking or feeling.

Going to make a cuppa...should help... hope to get some sleep....