On August 21st it will be a year since I heard the words “you have breast cancer” and I feel so confused and tearful. Since diagnosis I have had a lumpectomy (grade 3, 18mm), Chemo (3xFEC and 3xTAX) and 20 rads. I am now on Tamoxifen for the usual five years.
When treatment finished in May I felt really low and the events of the previous nine months hit me like a lorry. However, I thought I was doing okay - managing to convince everyone else I was okay anyway. But now this ‘anniversary’ is getting closer I can’t seem to stop thinking about what I have been through and worrying about what the future holds for me.
I am 29 and have two little boys and I worry so much. I am constantly checking myself for lumps and changes and can’t seem to shake off this dark cloud hanging over my head. Should I feel like this? I am a year on and have done the worst bit so why can’t I view this as a positive thing - I made it to a year - rather than dreading it. I feel like people think I should just move on and stop dwelling on the past. I am also suffering from quite bad flashbacks. I keep remembering the physical pain of chemo that I thought I had done so well to forget.
I also have my first 3-month check on 9th September. I am having a Mammogram and am a bit concerned whether I will be able to get the results on the same day or not. I’m not sure I can take any more waiting for results! Does anyone have any experience of this?
Sorry for ranting on but I try to paint on my smile at home because I feel my family and friends have suffered enough through this. I’m just so so nervous.
Hi Tigerjo,
It is only natural what you are feeling, I bet if you asked everyone who has experienced this dreaded cancer that you automatically think about it on a regular basis. Appearing to be normal on the outside but not on the inside. I hope you have family and friends to back you up and be there when you need them for moral support. It is interesting that you have three month checks as I was diagnosed in January had WLE in Feb, radiotherapy, I have only had one check up with the surgeon (his colleague, as he wasn’t there!) and I have seen the oncologist to sort out tamoxifen (which I don’t feel very well on at all!) I have an appointment coming up in Sept with the surgeon (if he can make it!) but it’s the waiting which I can sympathise with you about, you have to wait for everything unless you go private. My WLE went from one side to the other of my left breast, taking the nipple and surrounding tissue away, so there is going to be plenty of scar tissue, how do they know there will be nothing there with just a mammorgram!?!? So sorry also to rant, but I feel it also, keep your chin up, ask for help from your friends and family and I am sure they will be of a help to you. It must be difficult with really young children, I’m a young 45 with a son of 20. I hope everything goes well for you and let us know. (Sorry to have kept on and on and on!) this forum is great, the only place where everyone understands how you feel.
Take care,
Ladela
I had a mammogram last Thursday after my check-up with Surgeon. I was dreading it as its the first one since i had my surgery almost two years ago. I had a mri scan last year instead of a mammo because i was still in alot of pain and couldn’t bear anyone touching that side never mine squashing it in a mammo machine!!
Anyway, it was painful enough to bring tears to my eyes but at least its done. When i asked how long i had to wait to get the results, i was told it would be about two weeks. Apparently the films have to be read by a specially trained radiographer which is why it takes time. “Try not to worry” i was told. Yeah right!!!
I am now in limbo until i get the letter, which i know will take me ages to pluck up the courage to read. (My cancer was picked up on a routine mammogram and as soon as i read the letter asking me to go back i just knew that it wasn’t going to be good news.)
Like you say, people think that that you should be dancing about once treatment is over but i think the fear never really goes away. Let your friends and family know how you are really feeling. Hope you check up on 9th goes well. Let us know how you go.
I know exactly how you are feeling, its coming up for a year for me as well. when I first found my lump, I had a mammo and ultrasound - but guess what it they didnt detect cancer, they told me it was a very common cyst, to go away and come back in 6 weeks, just to make sure it had gone away on its own - well it didnt go away, because it was cancer, type 3,
I had a wle, then 6 x fec, and 18 rads, i am not on any medication as am triple negative, which in itself worries me, because I feel so vunerable. Like you I have coped really well, and everyone keeps saying how brilliant I look (I didnt loose my hair (I wore the cold cap), friends say nobody would know what I have been through, but sometimes I just wish people would stop and ask how I am feeling, instead of assuming because I look good, that i feel great. Oh I am sorry for ranting too, but its reassuring to know that others feel the same way.
Lets all be positive together.
I have also had mammo’s, bone scan, mri’s & CT’s in the last 18 months. The waiting for results never seems to get any easier.
Now 6 months since second mastectomy and rads. Constantly checking for new lumps or any new changes in skin/scars. Am I being paranoid. How do they check for recurrence after bilateral surgery??
I thought you may find Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service helpful, our Peer Support telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding.
For more information about this and our other support services available to you, please telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm), or email:
The first anniversary was awful for me. I was so anxious about having the mammogram I was making myself ill. I had loads of comments about how well I was doing but they didn’t help because of what I was feeling inside. I had to wait a few days for my results but I was seen privately and my bc nurse pushed things through. The waiting is bad though - speak to your nurse or consultants secretary to let them know how you are feeling and see if they can pull any strings.
I had some counselling about 6 months after dx and it helped me to realise the emotional trauma of a cancer diagnosis as well as the mutilating surgery and gruelling treatment, takes a long time to heal. I kept revisiting things I’d been though and spent hours just sitting thinking & crying. I’m sure it all helped with my recovery in the long term though. It was my way of dealing with things. Everyone is different and there is no right way or timescale for your recovery.
It’s now 3 & 1/2 years since my dx. Each anniversary gets a little bit easier. I’ve learnt to be a bit more honest when people ask how I am. It depends who’s asking but I’m more likely to say if I need help or someone to talk to. This website is a godsend too. I use it more to offer help to others now, but posted lots earlier on.
It’s coming up to my year as well. I was given the diagnosis on 28th August last year, two weeks after the removal of a breast lump which after biopsy six months previous to that was supposedly OK. It was two weeks after the operation to remove it that they called me back to clinic to tell me they were sorry but on removal of the lump it was tested and they found cancer. I was in such shock as I was just having the lump removed as a matter of course. I had to have a WLE and then 20 sessions of radiotherapy and will be on Tamoxifen for 5 years. Saw the Oncologist last week who said everything is OK but am now waiting for a mammogram appointment in October and I am becoming very apprehensive.
I can fully understand how you are feeling as I am sure anybody who has been through what we have can also empathise with you. It just keeps flashing through your mind. People are always saying to me how well I look but I feel I can’t get too excited about that because there is always that doubt that it could come back.
kimberleyjane - I am triple neg too and it has just been my one year anniversary and it has been like living through it all over again. I had cold cap and my hair went extremely thin, but I didnt lose it completely and now it is just all different lengths. I am sick and tired of people addressing me to my breasts (I had WLE) and telling me how well I look - and how marvellously I have coped! Like I had a choice!
This disease is so distressing I feel I have changed as a person - I don’t seem to have any patience when people are irritating me! I don’t smile and remain polite when I receive bad service in shops/restaurants… well let me face it, anywhere really! I have discarded (that’s a harsh word!) friends and family that just were no help or support through the past year - what is the point on making an effort with them?
I long for a day when I don’t look at my daughters and stop myself from crying. When I stop confirming in my head what song’s I want at my funeral, When I picture my husband married to another person (who of course in my imagination is in her 20’s, blonde, beautiful and above all flaming healthy!). I was 42 when I was diagnosed, had just returned from a lovely holiday in Greece, was feeling VERY well and then found the lump.
Hey Ho - onwards and upwards, I am so grateful that I found this board, it has lifted me from the darkest of moods on more than one occasion.
I have to admit I am an absolute bag of nerves lately. I was diagnosed on 1st June 2007, since had 5 x FEC, 2 x Taxotere, left mastectomy and lymph node removal and 15 rads. Now on Tamoxifen. I have never been so fearful/tearful as I am now, not even when they told me I had cancer. I have a lesion on my lung which was monitored throughout chemo and did not respond so it’s most likely to be a scar which is not uncommon apparently.
However my last scan showed more lesions on my lung, which when I am being sensible tell myself these are because of a violent cough I had after rads, or from the rads itself. But in my not so sensible times, I imagine it’s my cancer spreading and I make myself so tense my chest hurts! Which just makes it worse.
My next scan is early September and I have been living for the time to pass so I can have it, be told everything is OK and try to move on…
I really feel for you, it’s such a difficult time waiting and worrying and hoping that this awful thing won’t return. It’s very hard to explain the feelings to friends and family, they just want to hear “yes, I’m “better” now” but as much as I say it, I can’t mean it until my next scan results are in and hopefully good news so I can put my mind at rest.
Hi Tigerjo
I have a similar story to you . I was diagnosed last Aug 17th . I had my mammogram brought forward to beginning of August as I couldnt wait until after the summer and I also requested an ultrasound. The sonographer was great and talked me through it as I guess with ultrasound the results are there to be explained there and then not afterwards . She gave me the all clear straight away so that when I walked into the surgeons office a week later I already knew and didnt have to suffer the terrible waiting game.
However when the letter arrived at home i was still nervous opening it just in case she had made a mistake.
I have had bad times and still do since treatment has finished but am having counselling and it has helped just to see things in a different way and not get caught up in the ‘what if’ type scenarios that I was getting so scared about.
love cally x
Hi To all Like you I wonder will I ever be the same. The anxiety somedays is unsurmountable about everything not just Bc. I had Wle I/7 lymph nodes involved 6 Epi , 2 Cmf , Pancreatitis , 5 weeks rads finished on 24th July (awful Burns)
Had op last Nov due Mamm in Oct… that will be a year since diagnoses.es
Have my sons wedding on 13th Sept having panic attacks galore and I am so scared I wo’nt get through it. I just seem to swap one fear for another. Will I ever be the same again… Always been a coward where dying is concerned …moreso know. The thought of living like this is also as frightening.
HELP!!!
Love from Bobbie
I an also triple neg and coming up to 2 years since dx.I too am terrified as I see 2-3 years as the danger zone for trip neg.Still so far so good.On we go.Good Luck to you all.Vx
I have my second mammo next week - 2 years!! - and I am as scared as hell. Not too frightened of the mammo, tho that will be painful cos of oedema, but of the wait for results. Really dont feel that I can go through it all again.
How about this for dejavu? On return from my holiday last year I was re-called as a result of routine mammo. As a result Lumpectomy, lymph node removal and rads. 5 years Tamoxifen.
Went for my year later Mammo before my hols in June this year and on my return had been re-called for the OTHER breast. I think I felt worse this time than the 1st time, and kept thinking " Oh no not another round" Waited 2 weeks for ultrasound and the lovely lady Doctor who did this told me there and then that it was just normal breast tissue. I could have kissed her! Last week I had confirmation of this from the hospital. Of course I am so relieved but I know we cannot be too complacent.
However I don’t think about it a lot now. . Burying my head in the sand? Maybe but that’s me I guess, we all cope in different ways don’t we.
So lots of luck and hugs to us all whether we be ‘worriers’ or ‘buriers’ ( is that a word?)
I was diagnosed June 07 - partial mastect. 4 epirubicin, 4 capecitabine and 15 rads. I went for my first mammogram after this in July last year and was terrified.
My original diagnosis was from an ultrasound where the doctor immediately said it was cancer! I had to go back in the afternoon for a biopsy. Again with the mammogram in July I saw the consultant straight afterwards and was given the results - fortunately all clear so far. I don’t understand why you are being made to wait for your results?