I kicked my violent, abusive, coercive husband of 23 years out 7 years ago. The relief when he had gone, and I could get things done instead of being continually obstructed, has been immense. I got BC this year, and went through the treatment alone, not too bad at all I know how lucky I am. Youngest has just sailed through his GCSEs, in spite of finding out about the BC in the middle, and I could not be more relieved that I never had to deal with all the neurotic nonsense ex imposed on us as well. He as always worse and more abusive if I was weakened in any way.
Yes, it was lonely trekking off to hospital alone, and I was very private about it with friends and other family too, but I am through the worst now and ready to get up and go, work and generally sort my life out. You will be fine on your own, life is for living, not dealing with a man who is taking out his own feelings of uselessness on you. Mine got into enormous debt and then sat and let me pay the interest via the mortgage for nine years. Coercive control that turns out to be! If only I had known! Good luck ladies.
Unconditional love is just a fantasy designed to keep us in our place. Love is an action not a word or a feeling. If you don't experience love in the form of action, it isn't there.
Well only you can decide that. I put up with it for a quiet life, but after I was really well again, I thought, is this really what I want. 12 years, seemed a long time to chuck down the drain. I was the one with all the energy, where it was lucky if he worked a few hours a day before napping. Maybe that was depression too, who knows, more like thd rink i think.
I was acutally planning our wedding for next year, everything booked, venue, disco, singer, food honeymoon etc etc. But all the while planning it, thoughts in the back of my head made me unsure if I was doing the right thing. And if this was how I wanted to live my life. Well I decided it was not......It is a very hard thing to do. But you could look at it as a new challenge. God knows you know how that feels. Thats how I treat things now, a new challenge, I am doing things I never did before, like painting fences fgs lol. But you know what, I can d a lot more than I thought and I am happy.
You will find there is a load of support for you out there. Family friends etc. all willing to help and support you. Do what you think is right for you. Dont be put off by all the change, selling homes, finding new ones, etc, the do etc. IT IS EXCITING - a new chapter in your life and you are in control of it - NOONE ELSE X
Thanks for your reply ,my husband won't leave so we would have to put the house up for sale ,financially I should be ok as I pay most of the bills now ,he is self employed so doesn't always have work .I find him very hard to talk to as he goes quiet and won't really give me any feedback ,I think should I just stay where I am and carry on with my life ,he never moans if I go out without him or go it alone ,abit scary as I would have to buy myself a flat and I work 12hr shifts and I have an elderly dog who I love more than him ,we don't argue and it feels more like we are housemates not husband & wife ! I was happy to put up with it before but now feel I'm wasting time, and to complicate things more my 26 yr old daughter has moved back in ( not his daughter) after her 10yr relationship ended ,she has said it's not right how he is with me and thinks he has depression,he will never do anything about it if he did , one minute I'm merrily getting on with life then BC comes along and bang my whole outlook changes ,I'm wondering if I'm just causing myself more trouble !!!!
oh this is really a hard one. I was DX feb 2015, had left Mx, chemo, radio, on letrozole. Had scar revision and uplift/reduction on good boob this march 2017. All ok. Implant side still a bit of a mess, but hey, leaving it as is.
Anyway, I felt the same as you. OH was fine during my treatment. But I changed I think. Like yourself I want to be doing things, enjoying my life. He was moaning all the time, about jobs jobs (we run a small b and b), never wanted to do anything, and whenever we did, he ruined it by drinking too much cider and being obnoxious and emabarassing. Instead of getting on with things, he just moaned all the time. GUests loved him and he was great with them, as soon as back with me, moan moan moan.
Well 5 weeks ago, I told him to stop moaning.......he said right you want me to go do you, and I actually said YES. Asked him to clear out sheds of loads of rubbish b4 he went, he had collected over the years. Spent hours in sheds clearing but got nowhere, as he was really drinking cider and smoking dope. Moaned all day, worked for 2-3 hours a day and that was it. Told him if he done 8 hours a day, like a normal person, all the jobs would be done fgs. He threw everything away, including all his clothes, including unworn ones. EVerything. I just kept quiet ordered skips and let him get on with it.
Well he has gone back up north, and has actually thanked me for giving him the biggest kick up the backside he has ever had. He realises what he was like, and how he was behaving. He loves me, I think I still love him. I certainly dont want anyone else and neither does he. SO, he has given up the drinking permanently, he says. Hasnt touched a drop for 5 weeks....... He hopes to move back this way. But he has to do it on his own. He is working now, and saving money so he can move back
He wants to be back with me, I told him that is possible, but I will not live with him. He has to prove over years, not weeks or months, that he has changed and the drinking has stopped. I have said we will go out on dates, stay over at eachothers, and have holidays together. But I am happy living on my own at the moment. It is creally hard running the business on my own. But I get a pension next year, so I wont have to work as hard, can take time off etc to enjoy life. This should have been shared by us, but now we will just have to see.
The way I see it is, I cant lose. If it works between us it works and if it doesnt, well I havent lost anything cos I have kicked him out anyway and living on my own.
Be strong, and do what feels right for you. My OH wouldnt listen before he went. I tried to explain, many a time but he just would not listen. It took me kicking him our for him to realise and even think about change. While we accept it, they will not change anything. We have talked much much more since hes been gone. Its just such a sham we didnt do that before, again he wouldnt.
Good luck x
Hi everyone, my 1st post !! I had a mx and reconstruction 3rd July and waiting for results of oncotype test ,I'm very frustrated with my husband as he seems to have no get up and go and since I've been diagnosed I want to do more with my life and not continue how it was before, he has been fairly good at looking after me not that I needed much help really , he has never really been one for getting out and about much , he prefers to stay at home and drink cider & watch TV !! I'm finding this extremely boring and go out with friends & my daughter a lot but since this has happened I'm now questioning whether I should leave him , he won't change as I have had this out with him before and he is still the same , I do love him but dread the future with him ,my daughter said I should leave him as he has no respect for me and she just wants me to be happy but when I think about leaving him I feel quilty ,I've been with him for 18years and not once in that time has he ever suggested doing anything, it's always been me arranging things !! I really feel I owe to myself to enjoy my life more but can't see me doing that with him , I'm not sure whether I should wait to see if my feelings change ,has anyone else wanted to change their life like this or is it just me ? I really could do with some advice ladies,thanks.