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can't stand this

29 REPLIES 29
takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

thank you Dizzy dee. I need to know that how I feel is normal and that I'm not alone. This forum is such a help - you're the only ones who understand and I'm encouraged by your experience. take care  xxx

lexilou3
Member

Re: can't stand this

Mad4cavs...yesterday just over one year on i found myself doing a silly dad style dancing jig in the kitchen. I have had other good times, this was not the first,,,, but this was spontaneous wiggling. I have no style.

I really understand your comments re positivity... one of my best friends has survived disfiguring head and neck cancer, and has radiotherapy scars and kept using the phrase PMA,,, which i know he meant well, but in my mad moments i didnt appreciate. Because i know he was doing his best i bit my tongue and found this site for the expression of fears and understanding from.others.

Thinking of you x x
DizzyDee
Community Champion

Re: can't stand this

So agree with you Takeadeepbreath. But listen girl you are no fake. Everyone tells us how brave etc and to stay posistive. And think we can all agree that makes us a bit angry as when ur going through this you want to scream 'You have no idea what this is like'? In my experience people mean well they just don't know what to say. Remember you are not a fake its perfectly normal to feel angry, sad and frightened. I have had moments of utter darkness but i got through it and so will you. Really feeling for you xxx
takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Isn t it annoying the way people say you re coping, you re strong, you are so brave. It makes me angry because I feel a fake. I m weak and on the edge but how would they 

feel if they had cancer ? they wouldn't be putting quite such a spin on it if it were them. I look at them sitting there on the sofa all cancer free lucky them. 

 

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Yes I know. People have no idea what I m really feeling. They say I m positive and strong but I m weak and afraid. Like you I wear a mask. All the best xx
DizzyDee
Community Champion

Re: can't stand this

Good news ladies all Bone Scans and CTs clear😊 been given all clear from Royal Marsden. Like Kim about to start Rads in June.

I'm just not the same frightened woman i was way back in Jan when first diagnosed. I'm more stronger and more alive than i've ever been. I have the ability now to cut any crap out of my life and really do have an inner glow now that I know cannot be extinguished.

At last I can smile. I mean really smile as only us BC ladies can. I have been elected to be a young womens spokesperson for BC at the Royal Marsden organising groups meet ups etc. If any of u ladies live near London let me know.

Keep smiling girls we've all got alot more living to do xxxxx
Jobey68
Member

Re: can't stand this

I used to say the next person who tells me to keep positive I was going to punch!!! You get sick of hearing it, in the beginning you are so gripped by fear and disbelief that you can't even think straight let alone be positive! You have to work through your emotions and try and make some sense of it first, you do get your fighting spirit back but it takes time and I found as each process happened the better I felt and once I knew all the facts you can start to calm down and be more rational but in the beginning no its impossible to put on a brave face,I just wanted to scream!! There is light at the end of the tunnel though and I've got 3 weeks of rads starting on Tues then I plan to draw a line under it and consider myself done and get on with living 😊 big hugs to you xx
mad4cavs
Member

Re: can't stand this

Feeling sad today and weary ,hard to keep smiling and so positive as everyone keeps telling me, I am sorry for moaning again just helps to say what I really feel instead of the mask I wear . Looking forward to being able to smile again and meaning it .         Take care and good luck x

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

thank you, it's good to know it's not just me. Congrats on finishing your treatment xxx
satine
Member

Re: can't stand this

Dear Takeadeepbreath

 

I completely sympathise with you, but please know that it is completely natural to feel like that, and it's something we all experience.  I have only just finished all my treatment (hooray), but I have never known fear like the fear I had when first diagnosed.  Like you, and others on this thread, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost loads of weight with the stress, and was completely terrified.  It's the fear of the unknown, the fear of what lies ahead, and the fear of being diagnosed with cancer.  I do completely echo what dizzydee said, in that the light that shines out of us all when treatment is over is worth its weight in gold.  Hang in there and stay strong, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are first diagnosed, but it is there, and you will reach it.  You will come out the other side a much stronger woman with so much more appreciation for life.  Lots of love to you xx

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Dizzy dee
you're very brave to face this as well as living alone.hope your test results are what you are hoping for. xxxx
DizzyDee
Community Champion

Re: can't stand this

Dear takeadeepbreath,

Really feel for you. Know how you feel at work you just want to scream help me!!! It does and will improve you will have an inner glow and confidence after BC that noone will be able to shatter. I get results today for whole body bone scan and CT. Really thinking of you and u dont have to face this alone xxxx
takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

this waiting is torture, a constant background strain. hope you get your results soon.
takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Had the MRI scan and now waiting for the results - more tension, more what if? Like you this is a terribly isolating experience. I'm at work now but nobody here has got cancer, nobody here is thinking the dark stuff I am, nobody here is screaming inside. People say I'm coping well but they have no idea. Only you do.
Benji1
Member

Re: can't stand this

Hi mad4cavs, went Monday for pre surgery checks, am booked this Monday for the guide wire, and surgery Tuesday 19th had mri last Saturday with no results as yet, really understand how you feeling.
DizzyDee
Community Champion

Re: can't stand this

Hope it all goes well for you. Xxx there is life after BC. First bit is the worst it does get better xxx Was so relieved after my op and not so bad after that xxx
DizzyDee
Community Champion

Re: can't stand this

First time on the forum diagnosed with lobular invasive Jan 15. Had to share with you that this crap does get better. Like you i fell apart when diagnosed no sleep walking around like i was in a bad dream. It was the pits. Was prescribed anti depressants and they really helped. Had my op in March and now just about to start rads. Been given all clear just prevention now. Due to start tamoxifen. The beginning is the worst bit being diagnosed and waiting for surgery. You feel so alone. I live alone so that was hard. But after op it gets better. Now as i face life post BC i am stronger and enjoy life more. When us ladies of BC finally smile after our treatment or surgery is over we light up the world. And you with light up the world with your smile soon xx

Sending you all a hug as only us BC ladies can xxx
mad4cavs
Member

Re: can't stand this

went to the hospital today for pre surgery check ecg bloods etc i am  having surgery 21st i have to go in on the 20th to have a guide wire inserted ,everything is going ahead but i still cannot believe this is about me, still in a bad dream , how are you x

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

yes it's all a bad dream. It's hard to wake up and think "I have cancer". I'm still a way off acceptance and I'm not in the mood for "battling" anything.
mad4cavs
Member

Re: can't stand this

I will I'm back at the hospital today to start this roller coaster ride part of me wants to stay in bed under my duvet good luck x

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Barbara
Let me know how you get on. I hope its good news.

mad4cavs
Member

Re: can't stand this

Hi I am the same the waiting is th worse. I also found a group on Facebook uk breast cancer support they are very helpful too. And there nearly always somebody there what ever time you post take care and good luck Barbara

takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

thanks Ruby, you need all the support you can get at a time like this.
Ruby1
Member

Re: can't stand this

Hi again, Gill,
REally pleased to hear you're been speaking to Breast Cancer Care helpline, as they're really helpful and sympathetic and also an ear to listen. I've certainly called them a few times and found them fantastic. Also if any time is good to take anti-depressants, now is that time so it's good you've got that sorted. Big Hugs xxx

Kess
Member

Re: can't stand this

Gill

Really glad to hear you are getting some support. It is hard at the start, and it sounds like you are trying to cope with a lot of things on top of your dx. Do take support from friends and family where offered. Let things go that don't need doing or get some help if you can afford it (like cleaning). Hope you start to feel more postitive soon.
takeadeepbreath
Member

Re: can't stand this

Ruby
thank you for your advice - it's good to know I'm not alone and it's common to feel these emotions. I called the Breast Cancer helpline who helped and I'm joining a Cancer care group. I'm also on anti-depressants to see me through.
Gill xx
lexilou3
Member

Re: can't stand this

Hi tadb

Can empathise so much .... my gp issued me with atarax to help me sleep,,, an antihistamine as he knew i wanted / needed to keep working as the breadwinner in my household.

Sending big gentle hugs,

LL xx

Ruby1
Member

Re: can't stand this

Dear takeadeepbreath

Firstly, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, which is difficult enough to deal with, but with what you're also carrying on your shoulders in addition, really sucks.  I completely get the, can't eat and sleep and racing heart etc, I'm sure most of us can relate to that.  The waiting and wondering if just awful.  I did go to my GP and got myself a prescription for a very low dose of Amitryptylene, which really helped.  When you manage to get enough sleep, you feel you can cope better.  

 

Also sounds like you need to get some counselling just to off load about everything you're having to deal with. Sounds like a visit to your GP to get this support is definitely required, along with something to help you sleep.  I hope your daughter and your husband are also getting some help, although, right now, you're main worry should be yourself.  There are various organisations that can help you and provide you with free support.  There is the Breast Cancer Haven, which provides all sorts of services, to start with plus you should find a support group locally in your area which will help.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs and hope all goes well next week.

Ruby xx

Sam_BCC
Member

Re: can't stand this

Hi takeadeepbreath

 

Firstly, welcome to the forums, I am sorry to read of your recent diagnosis and the tough time you are having at the moment, the first few days and weeks are always difficult when coming to terms with things and getting to grips with your treatment plans, etc.

 

May I suggest that whilst you are waiting for replies from the other user you give the BCC helpline a call on 0808 800 6000.  Here you can share your feelings, worries and thoughts with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The nmber to call is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open weekdays 9-5pm Saturday a0 to 2pm.

 

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

takeadeepbreath
Member

can't stand this

Diagnosed with lobular invasive 12mm, waiting for MRI next week. 

I can't stand this waiting for test results, for treatment. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I am going out of my mind and my heart is racing - and I know how bad stress is for BC. It probably caused mine in the first place.

My husband has had a nervous breakdown and can't cope- he was already clinicaly depressed - so I have to support him too as well as my 2 girls. One of them has bulimia and self harms. I'm the breadwinner so if I go under we all do.

What is the point of carrying on?