I just wanted to see if there was anyone else out there in the same boat as me, who could share experience
I am recently divorced (not what i wanted) and still reeling and struggling to come to terms with that, i have been diagnosed with breast cancer - lump removed in last few weeeks and chemo due to start shortly
i had not yet come to terms with living alone with the kids after my husband left when i was dianosed. I am living with all the normal stuff that comes with the territory of teenagers plus they are muddled up from the split and now the cancer.
I feel so alone in my house with them anyway and am so scared of going through the chemo while i am living alone with them-i am frightened of needing help/feeling sick etc.with kids who as teenagers, don’t naturally put others first.
I’ve tried the “sitting down talking to them” approach to explain i may need help but it just ends in screaming match - and no, i don’t have any family members who can support me practically - i have lots of friends who have been brilliant with me but noone is willing to “overstep” the line to talk to the kids and my ex is more destructive than supportive, chosing to entertain and befriend the kids rather than parent them leaving me firmly cast in the role of “bad cop” on the discipline front.
i am also an only child with elderly parents to support
The kids going to stay with him “to help me get through it” is not really an option - complete paradox - i might realx more if the house was calm but i could not cope with the loneliness of them not being there.
Has anyone else been or is going through this situation???
Hi Little Angel,
My situation is not quite the same, but I can share my experience and be a listening ear until someone else comes along. I was diagnosed with bc in March, 10 months after my husband died. One son lives away from home and the other lives with me has Down’s syndrome. I found it very helpful to keep his routine going for him, which made me have a routine too, cooking meals and going out shopping and other things I didn’t realy feel like doing. Little by little he understood I was not myself and settled down, and helped in his own way. As I became more relaxed about things so did he. we live one day at a time.
I am so sorry your man was not strong enough to stay by you and I wish you well.
You will find support on this site, and here are few cyber hugs to help you on your way.
Maria.
In addition to the valuable support you have here please do feel free to call our helpliners for a listening ear and information about our other support services you may find helpful. I am posting a link to our booklet ‘Talking to your children about breast cancer’, this is aimed at older children so it may help, there is also the address of a website in the back which is for teenagers to share experiences about having a parent with cancer:
My oh my, little angel, I’m so sorry to hear this… But, yes there is always a BUT, you will get through this, with or without the help of your teenagers…
I have two son’s who live at home with me aged 22 and 24, and one would think they would understand, don’t get me wrong they are brilliant, financially as I’ve not been able to work, but understand NO… I don’t think we can expect them too neither…
You have made the right move in posting on this forum, i’m sure in time you will find all the friends and support you need…
Be easy on yourself take one step at a time, day by day,
Hi
I too am a single parent with 2 teenagers. I found they reacted in quite different ways, 1 was totally overprotective and the other was angry about the cancer and directed this towards me to begin with. I found both very hard to deal with as well as trying to come to terms with my own diagnosis and like you have no family living nearby or an ex who the girls would go to stay with. Have you spoken with your bcn or chemo unit. Mine offered to talk to both girls and suggested I bring the one who was angry into the unit with me, as part of her anger might be due to fear. I did contact school (without asking them) to explain that they in effect are taking on the role of carers’. Are they of an age for you to do this as school’s sometimes have support services who can help them or perhaps a there is a local macmillan youth support group.
I explained that I would have a 3 week cycle of week one treatment week, when they would need to do things if they wanted clean clothes, meals etc. week 2 tired week when things would take me longer so if they wanted things in a hurry it was help out and hopefully one normal week to catch up and restock fridge/freezer ready for treatment week. I also got the ironing basket and explained that I would be unable to iron in future but if there was anything of theirs that they felt had to be ironed then while I was still able to use an iron I was willing to show them how! They have since decided that if they fold things up neatly or hang them up after washing/drying they don’t need ironing… wish I had done this years ago. Teenagers might be preoccupied with themselves but I’m sure that if hungry or with nothing clean to wear thay will soon realise that it’s up to them to do something about it.
Take care of yourself first and take advantage of any offers of help you feel comfortable with,
Sending a huge cyber hug your way
Ali.
x
thank you there are people out there like me who have been there, seen it done it and got the t shirt - i’ll read all your comments in detail tomorrow and follow up on what i can but for the time being thanks to you all and my very best wishes to you in your own situations
Hi Little Angel,
sorry to hear you plight, you certainly have lots going on at the moment. My teenagers have flown the nest (well my son is now 21 but daughter 18 and a mum with second on the way!!). Daughter lived with me with baby and b/f (now hubby) when I was diagnosed and it was quite difficult at times but we did manage to muddle through.
Unfortunately teenagers will be teenagers and apear so inconsiderate at times but deep down they are just trying to work things out.
Anyway can’t offer more advice but I can offer support…anytime
hugs Suze x
Although I dont have kids, my divorce can through on the day I was diagnosed. Not my choice either, as he’d gone off with another woman. However, I found it reasonably easy to go through the chemo. Tho I have a lodger, I was essentially alone. I made sure I was stocked up with food and drink and just took to my bed. I’m forrtunate though to have parents who would run around after me, if needed!
I’m not in your situation at all but having had teenage stepkids I have a lot of sympathy for your situation.
I did see you mentioned have elderly parents that you supported as an only child. It may be helpful to work out how they will get support when you may not be able to give it whilst you’re having chemo.
For example, if it’s low grade support do they have friends or neighbours that could step in and be made aware of the time you’re having chemo? If they need more then how about social services help for a short period?
i feel so alone in this house full of teenage noise and mess and had a whole evening of grief last night because i asked my 16 year old to help me (not totally) empty the dishwasher!!
i got told by her “Can’t you just put the things away yourself as you fetch them out” - i explained that i couldn’t /shouldn’t overeach because of the scar under my arm.
Rseult…she went out for the evening just saying “i am going out” and saying don’t bring the cancer in to this…(i wasn’t)
where did she go to??? probably to her dads for sympathy. He has not supported me in any was with her discipline for 18 months, he is not living with the three of them- he entertains and befriends them and describes the arguing as cat fights.
My daughter is walking all over me and when she is around , i feel bullied and am so scared i won’t get this chemotherapy in a house like this, and no she can’t go and live with him cos he will stop every penny he gives me n i can’t face moving house at the moment…he already reduced maintenance the month i was diagnosed when my eldest left school.
My daughter returned at 10pm --not saying a word…to bed to sleep in her pigsty that i can shut the door on - no point asking her to tidy that - i can handle that, it is her mess.
i don’t think i am unreasonable to ask her to help in the rest of the house am i?? its not as if it was a “job/chore” (i have tried that but i’m accused of “petty rules” - their dad would not entertain anything like chore/reward so they just do things on their terms which is ok until you need a bit of help like i do now) .she is also the one who will never do anything unless i can tell her specifially what the other two will be contributing - i can’t always do this if it is just a simple momentary request for help as the dishwasher was last night.
all i did last might was ask for a bit of help, explained why (i shouldn’t have to give a reason for asking her to help empty the dishwasher anyway should i ? ) and got accused of blackmailing her with the cancer. I showed her my scar under arm and said it hurt, i never once mentioned cancer.
i realised i have become afriad to ask this one of my daughters to help because i am afraid of the reaction/emotional response and because i am afraid of losing her to but i am not sure how to handle this - she will continue to live in the house cos she won’t move out - despite the attraction of her dads, living here is more convenient for her so how do i get through this wit what is to come?? she is making my life hell in the house
support/shared experoiences that you have come through welcome please
i’m so sorry that you’re going through all this. You are not being the slightest bit unreasonable and quite frankly why shouldn’t you bring the cancer into this!! Yes she is probably scared and yes she will probably regret being this way with you later in life but it doesn’t help you right now.
I think you need to sit down with them all again and say exactly what you need from them while you are going to have treatment. I would say to them that the alternative is that they go to live with their Dad if he’s willing or do they have a good friend that they could stay with perhaps. I would say that not having treatment which you don’t want to have to face either is that your life would be endangered. It’s tough for all of you. Is there anyone outside the family that could talk to them? I think Macmillan do some information for teenagers.
I understand that you don’t want to move house right now so perhaps it would be worth talking to your ex and ask him about having the kids while you go through chemo.
You have to put yourself first through this no matter what. The children will cope so will your ex and you are trying to save your life with treatment.
take care and a big hug to you, Elinda
neither of the girls willing to access support (only stuff i’ve found is counselling via school and cancer support group locally aimed at adults) - they describe possible support as “mumbo jumbo” and psycho babble!!
i have been a burden to friends now for 18 months since ex left and feel like i have drained everyone of support even before cancer arrived.
as explained no relatives to talk to kids and friends will not overstep the mark to talk to them - one friend did ask my daughter to refrain from talking to mom in nasty way, months ago and the result was an email from my ex telling me to stop my friends from talking to his kids in that way
It’s difficult to know what to suggest. You may be fine on chemo but you do need a plan B if you’re really unwell or weak. What happened when you had surgery?
I’m not sure if not going to their Dad’s is because he won’t have them, they won’t go or financial reasons. It may well be worth ringing Macmillan. They can give you detailed advice on finances and what the options would be if you can’t cope in terms of care for your kids etc.
As I said you may be fine so I don’t want to scare you about the chemo but as they say it’s best to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
As for friends, perhaps you’ve relied on them a lot during the divorce but this is a whole different ball game. I have found that people are very keen to help, particularly in practical terms such as doing shopping etc and I welcomed it with open arms.
On a practical note, it may be worth thinking about getting a cleaner for the full time period you’re having chemo. It is an expense although it will take some pressure off.
Elinda
Hi Litle Angel,
Your teen is out of order, but I found laying down the law doesn’t work very often with my teens. If she has times of the day/week when she is easier, then discussing feelings helps , perhaps if you had a talk object and whoever has it,gets listened to without interuptions. My 2 are grown up now but one of mine behaved like this when I got M.E.It emerged eventually that he was also being bullied at school and it was the last straw. He would never accept counselling via school either although now he says he wishes he had. It is really tough being on your own when teenagers are being difficult. What I did was join a local support group for me and a fellow sufferer came round and brought round her teen (luckily a very pretty girl!) and this helped them both. We now have a really good relationship so try to remember this stage will not last forever. Otherwise, I have put a couple of links here. If you e-mailed these links to them, might they look? Online is anonymous and is safer for a teen who does not want to ‘lose face’ by asking for help with their fear. Or could you leave booklets somewhere. it is surprising what teens do when you are out! Take care of yourself. xx
my friends were brilliant when i had surgery and i am learning slowly to accept help - i guess we all want to do it all ourseleves - i am also beginning even more slowly to realise that a lot of my angst comes from “other peoples reactions” to my teenage kids and their apparent lack of help.
amongst those around me here, there seems to be two distinct reactions to the kids lack of practical help.
some people just give help without saying “aren’t the kids doing it?”
but some people say to me, “the kids are old enough, they should be doing it for you shouldn’t they? - you should make them do it” this means i feel bad about accepting help from outsiders and and makes me feel worse about my kids too who are, it seems just being normal (selfish?) teenagers.
The “making them do it” battle is one i could do without just at the present moment.
I think this is the same as when you have a 2 year old having a temper tantrum in tesco’s. For every person standing there tutting, there are at least 10 thinking, been there, done it, have full sympathy and glad mine are now past this stage. It’s a standing joke in our household that if my girls had been the born the other way round, the eldest would have been an only one!
Your’s too will get past this stage little angel and in the meantime join us on here to share tears and laughter with those who understand,
Have a good sunday and if not remember tomorrow is Monday and they are back to school!
Ali.
xx