Hi all
I have finished treatment and come off tam but am now waiting to have my ovaries removed and have more recon.
I have found my macmillan centre very supportive with complimentary therapies which are very good for relaxation. I have been going for counselling too and was told I had depression. A week ago when I was there it was all too much I started crying and could not stop I was clinging to the nurse, they phoned my GP who would not come and then psycho oncol who also would not come, so the macmillan nurse had to take me to A and E for a psych assessment which took 3 hours. I was very late home and had to come up with a reason so told hubby was at hospital with a friend. By sunday I was so distressed I sat him down and told him what had happened and how bad I felt, that I wanted to die! He threw a wobbler for a few days but is ok now. I have been to my gp for antidepressants and the counsellor has agreed to keep seeing me rather than send me to psycho oncol. Did not want to go there as it has taken me 4 months to be able to talk about how bad I feel. I feel a bit calmer now as counsellor is going to work with me on the fears and the anorexia and my hubby knowing means it is a lot less stressful. Have also quit work. Have just been wishing that the cancer had killed me so that I did not feel like this now. I want to be the person I use to be all full of confidence not the scared little mouse I am now.
the macmillan centre were great and I dont know how I would have got through the day without them.
Louise
Hello happycat,
Oh dear you poor thing, you sound at your wits end but you did right to post here. I am not very qualified to help in terms of experience because I am fairly near the beginning of this godawful disease, but just wanted to send hugs and thoughts to you.
I am sure someone who has travelled your route will be along shortly to give better advice, but I would make sure that you keep in touch with your Macmillan people and try calling the helpline here if you are feeling desperate again.
You sound like you have done many of the hard yards and are in the final stretch. You WILL come out the other side, but use all the resources of this wonderful site to help you achieve that,
Sending all possible positive thoughts.
Wandyx
Hiya Louise,
Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad, it’s not great is it? I have had depression before now and it’s not the greatest place on the planet to be, BUT You have done the right thing by talking about it. The ant-depressants do work but you need to give them a chance. Depending on what you have been prescribed, they may take a little time to “kick in” but AGAIN you have done the right thing by seeing a counsellor.
You will get through this as you are a strong person, you have already had your BC treatment and got through it, WELL DONE YOU!
The main thing is that life changing events like this do make you a much stronger person and you have your hubby, all your friends and us motley crew on here to help you get through.
Sending you positive vibes
Lots of love and hugs
Helen xx
Hi Louise, That sounds so horrible for you! To go through so much and feel so bad now. I have not reached that stage of treatment or suffered depression myself but I know other people who have any it is such a nasty way to feel. Hopefully the antidepressants will kick in soon and you will feel much better. They do take a few weeks to kick in so you may not feel immediately better but once they do they will help you to get through this blip - and it is just another nasty trick of bc but you will come through this too just as you have come through so many other things.
My Occuptational Health did warn me that I might need counselling when this is all over. They said that people get into a survival mode with loads of adrenaline when they feel they are fighting bc but afterwards the shock of everything you have been through may catch up with you and make you feel worse for a little while.
You are doing exactly the right things and well done for telling your OH because he will be able to help you now that he knows, as well as the other support you are getting.
If we can all help, or you want to vent and tell people who can support you without having their own emotional response to your illness, we are here xx
Hi Louise - huge hugs, girl, that must have been so scary for you. After all you have been through, depression is utterly understandable - it sounds like you’ve been holding on, and being ‘brave’ for an awfully long time, and you just desperately needed to melt down. No shame in that - but I know how awful it feels.
Like Helen says, the anti-d’s will work, and will get you to a better place in your own head, but they do take time - so don’t give up on them. I’m so glad you can continue to have counselling, as talking it all through, and being able to express how you feel, is so very important.
I had post natal depression badly after my eldest was born - and I can still remember how much I wished I could close my eyes and not wake up, so I didn’t have to deal with how I was feeling. That was seventeen years ago, and I promise you - those feelings DO pass.
We are all here to talk to when you need us, just hang on in there honey - you have done so amazingly well, and you will get through this too.
Sophie xxxx
Dearest Louise
Firstly well done for finishing the treatment and coming out the other side that is your first achievement. Secondly congratulations for finding the strength to tell your husband that is your second achievement. Finally, well done for realising you need help and for allowing the GP and Counsellor to help you get yourself back on track, another vital achievement.
Depression is another silent disease that people cannot see just like the Big C and therefore it is easy for others not to realise the pain and suffering you are going through. Talking is the best cure, and it will not be long before the Counsellor helps you face your fears and I mean all your fears and give you the strength and ability to move on and become the person you want to be. Don’t fight your feelings learn how to confront them and work through them and with the help of the anti-depressants you will be the person you used to be.
Please try to push aside any feels of wishing your life was at an end, you are valued, loved and needed by many and you are precious. Be positive, lift your head up and smile.
I am here for you anytime you need a shoulder.
Hugs
Tracy x
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happycat, what they all said.
I’ve done the depression thing and it’s a VERY scary place to be. It also carries a taboo for many people which makes it all the more difficult to talk about and deal with, as the “sense of failure” that so often accompanies depression can so easily be brought to the fore with the slightest of strange looks from others who have NO IDEA what you’ve been through.
Massive but very gentle hugs in your direction, I hope you feel much less alone in all of this because there are so many of us on these forums who share with different parts of your horrible experiences and we all understand as only those with the shared experience can understand.
It may sound strange to you now, but WELL DONE for getting started on dealing with it. That’s a huge positive step even though it was so frightening at the time, and I hope you can feel that there is a way forwards and a way out of the dark pit. We are all rooting for you.
If you can, be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect too much particularly on bad days. Congratulate yourself for the little things you DO achieve rather than beating yourself up for the unrealistic things you don’t. Sometimes, just getting out of bed at some stage of the day is an achievement so if you’re having that kind of day, then give yourself a mental pat on the back for getting out of bed. (And don’t worry whether you have even got dressed or not, sometimes that can be just one step too far.) We’re all rooting for you, and we’re here to give support if we can.
Hugs
CM
x
I have and do suffer with clinical depression. I ended up in meltdown and got myself admitted because I didn’t know how to live…
Sounds like you know what I’m talking about.
As someone else said it is another silent illness but unlike cancer it doesn’t come with the associated support! I’ve had cancer and have no more problems in that area after my first annual check up a few weeks ago.However, my depression and exhaustion is still with me and it can make you feel so empty. I’m more used to it because I’ve had it for over 25 years but I still can’t bear the isolation of not being sure who I can trust or not.
If any of this has echoes with you my advice is to keep on talking to us here. We can hear you and empathize so much. We won’t judge and we’ll probably never meet so the hidden connections we share are true.
Keep confiding in us and someone will admit they’ve felt so similar… We may all have differing circumstances but to connect with someone is a lifeline at times.
Don’t bottle it up inbetween seeing your counsellor. Write it down here! However, if that feels too scary to wait for a response do phone the Samaritans. They will listen and not judge you.
Not everyone has a confidante to share with whether they live in a family or not.
Keep sharing and let us know how you are.
As someone earlier said just getting out of bed is an enormous step some days, other days it will be easier and some days you really can’t face life outside the coccoon. All of it is acceptable!
I wish you all the best for tomorrow and hope it is slightly easier than today. My heart goes out to all the other posters who have been so open here. Your openness is so wonderful to read and helps those of us with depression feel less alone.
Tight hugs to everyone struggling tonight.
It will pass but the isolation is utter HELL.
Welsh girl xx
thanks everyone it really helps me feel less alone. I feel like a frightened little girl who needs someone to keep them safe. I have to keep myself safe by being at home in my “safe little bubble” then it does not feel so bad I do familiar things with a set routine and hate anything to happen that changes it. I feel so tired all the time and keep crying I just want to feel well again
love Louise
Louise, there’s a frightened little girl inside each and every one of us. You are not alone, we all know that little girl well. And your “safe little bubble” is not a bad place to be, I’m glad you do have somewhere you feel safe, it’s such a relief.
You WILL feel better, and you probably won’t realise the improvements as you start to get better as the treatments you will be having have a gradual effect that you might not notice them yourself until you’ve managed to get out of the deep dark hole and you look back at how much you’ve improved.
CM
x
Thank CM my GP says the anti-d’s will take 5 to 6 weeks to work. still going to counselling which helps but is hard. This week we start working on my food fears, as I have anorexia. I had it as a teenager and it returned with the cancer DX, crap isn’t it? am worried this is going to be very hard as will have to eat some food there to bring on the fear and feelings so they can be delt with and that is a very scary thought. SORRY to go on but I am just so scared and frightened at the moment
love Louise
You’re not “going on”, you’re sharing. That’s different.
When I had anti-d’s the effect was very gradual. I didn’t wake up one morning 6 weeks after starting feeling like bursting into song but did notice after a while that I wasn’t wearing the blank expression on my face that I’d been hiding behind for months before. A friend of mine just quietly said “hmm, you’re coming back to us again” as he walked past me in the work canteen, which was a lovely thing to do as it didn’t need me to have a conversation with him. I looked at myself and realised that it was indeed true, I was re-emerging. I probably wouldn’t have noticed for another couple of weeks if he hadn’t said anything, it was that gradual, but it was also good to have the quiet support of others.
Counselling can be really hard work, so be prepared to adjust the counselling schedule if you find it’s going too fast for you. When I had a short course of CBT many years ago I found that every week was too often, as I was doing a lot of thinking in between sessions and needed a good fortnight for the work we’d done in the sessions to “bed down” before I was ready for the next session. And of course there’s also your treatment to factor in, so don’t try to take on more than you can cope with. Counselling’s a lot harder work than just popping a pill, it requires real effort from you. (I’m not trying to be flippant here, by the way, the pills are also really good tools to help you recover.)
Please try to be kind to yourself through all of this, if you can. You’re doing a great job in tackling it but it IS a lot to handle so take it gently, baby steps and all that. And know that we’re with you to support you virtually.
CM
x
Dear louise, you have by writing this post shown what a strong lady you are. Taking the first step and admitting to yourself and your family that you are depressed is a huge deal. Be gentle with yourself not critical. And the happy pills as I call mine will start to work very gradually.
Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts,
Take care love Ruth xx
Hi All
thank for all your support it is a great to help to know you are all there fo me to talk to
love and hugs
Louise
Hi it is a lovely day here warm and sunny yet I feel so fed up, can’t do this anymore. was awake most of the night thinking, my brain will not shut off, don’t want to feel this bad I hate it don’t want to live like this. Have lost quite a lot of weight again and hubby is starting to notice, told him I haven’t but don’t think he believes me. Something in my head tells me not to eat and that it would be better if I lost more weight.
love Louise
Dear Louise
I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low, please call our helpline where you can talk your feelings through with someone in confidence, it may help to share it
The number is 0808 800 6000, lines are open 9-5 in the week and 9-2 Sat
Take care
Lucy
thanks Lucy I will
hi Louise
Really sorry you are feeling so low - my experience is that the post-traumatic stress reactions come after the intial treatment and there was some research about this in the papers a few months ago. Moving from survival mode to facing the next stage in life is not easy - just glad you are reaching out and getting support where you can. I remember spending a whole counselling session in tears too - previously I’d been bouyant in sessions and then it “just hit me” when the worst of the hospital treatments were over and I had time to think about lifie, impact of diagnosis, family tensions etc.
Thinking of you - do keep in touch as you walk this walk with us.
Fran
xxx
Hi
had 1st counselling session looking at food it ment trying a few different things to see how I reacted. It was hard and I was shaking but could say out loud what was going on in my head. A malteser made me cry and I could not eat it. Silly isn’t it?
Next session is on tuesday and I have to take somethings for us to eat at different difficulity levels. This is very hard. Hubby is fed up of it and has nagged me about food for 2 days now saying I look and feel thinner, keep saying I’m not but of cause he does not believe me and he is right have lost nearly a stone now he says I am a bag of bones.
Louise