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feeling lonely

31 REPLIES 31
Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobbie,

I'm really glad your copy of Emotional Support through Breast Cancer has arrived and that it helped you a lot. Like I said, I keep mine with me to dip into when I need to. So good to hear about your reconstruction and that you might be getting your counselling soon.

Lots of love,

Kazey xx

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hey everyone,
I received the book Kazey mentioned and it is really gd, so thank you Kazey , it has helped a lot 🙂
I start my new antidepressants tomorrow as I had to wean myself off the other ones first, and I'm waiting for a app with the councilor so hopefully that won't take to long to come , I will try anything to help me to start feeling better. Had some good news on Wednesday, my reconstruction will b within the next 6 months so I'm over the moon with that 😄 I'm having what they call the gold standard reconstruction 🙂 ..... Hope all is well with everyone 🙂

Love Bobbie xx
Helenbythesea
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Great styuff - you have to feel you are doing something in order to regain control.  Brilliant.

marion1978
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobsicle,

 

Sounds like you made some great progress since I last got on the internet.

I'm a year down the line and when I first went back to work I was still crying all the time. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to work without breaking down in tears. Its gradually faded and now its not even an issue. I still cry. Usually at silly stuff on the telly and heartwarming stories on facebook.

My work was great about my staged return and I found loads of support from my manager but not so much my colleagues, they and my friends are a bit scared of cancer to talk about it.

 

Hope you get on well with the counsellor.

 

Marion 

 

Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobbie,

I'm so glad that your doctor has said you should see someone. Counsellig really helped me, I'm glad you're going to get some. I'm no expert, but it takes a long time to come to terms with what's happened and it's not that long for you. All you've been through is bound to make you feel weepy. Maybe it would help you if you could try and take some of the pressure off yourself to feel alright when you've got so much to deal with. Maybe you're expecting too much of yourself at the moment. I know how hard it is because of all the expectations there are from other people that we should 'get back to normal'.  I find that if I don't worry so much about being upset and remind myself I'm allowed to be upset and there's nothing wrong with me for being uspet, that really helps. The book that you're waiting for has helped me to realise this.

Love,

Kazey xx

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Helenbythesea,...I've spoken to my doctor today and yes she has decided that I should see someone who can help me, she has also changed my antidepressants to see if they will pick me up, I suffered with depression before I had my cancer, so hopefully these will help me, I'm not bothered about taking tablets cos if they help me stop feeling the way I do then I will try anything ....ifs a awful feeling when all I want to do is cry all the time ... I suppose I have to start getting used to the new me 😞

Love Bobbie xx
Helenbythesea
Member

Re: feeling lonely

I wish I had me back too - I am still crying - my op was October.  I guess we wont ever be "normal me" again, we will be "new normal mes" and that is what we are discovering.  When I read those words New normal - it sounds exciting, but somehow it does not feel it - makes me sad and resentful, dont know about you.  So my Dr has suggested I do lots of things i enjoy to fill up the "me jug"

 

Also

 

I am now having loads of help via Macmillan - and it is helping me feel better.  Your Dr might suggest a psychologist too - do go they are good and get you to look at things from a tangent - to get it into perspective.  someone else suggested anti-depressants, but i said no as i want to come to terms with this and move on and i think pills might just smother all that - however if it continues that then that is a positive iidea too -

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Kazey , thank you for your kind words, it is a relief to find out what it actually was ....how long Kazey does it take to not cry and not feel like this ? I wish I had me back but it's never gonna happen

Love Bobbie xx
Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobbie,

Just read your reply to Marion. I guess it's a relief to have an explanation for some of what you've been suffering, just knowing what it is can help, can't it. Please don't feel silly about crying! It's totally natural to cry, you have plenty to cry about and you're not made of stone!! Though I know we're all made to feel silly by other people, it's them that are silly not to understand how you feel. Good news that you're not under pressure to go back to work. Keep telling yourself that you're allowed to cry and allowed not to feel ready to get back to work!

Love,

Kazey x

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi marion1978, thank you for your reply. 🙂 I've tried to make a app with doc , with no hope for a couple of weeks 😞 I found out yesterday that I have minieres disease, so having to do head exercises to help, which are hard to do when you feel dizzy and sick all the time, but at least I know wot it is , as I've had it on and off since last January .
I havnt phoned up the Bcc yet , I'm trying to figure out what to say and try and say it without breaking down crying , I feel really silly crying all the time 😞 ...
I spoke to my work and they are happy for me to start work again whenever I am ready, I'm only part-time so it's ok , so I'm not going to worry about it for a while...I've ordered the books that Kazey said were good, just waiting for them to come ......do you have many down days.? Are you still having treatment? My treatment finished in October last year, I'm on tamoxifen for the next 10 years...
Thank you for the virtual hug 🙂

Love Bobbie x
Helenbythesea
Member

Re: feeling lonely

I am going back in April this year (been off since October)  Had a formal return to work interview today and it went well because

1. I had found out my options - I am allowed a phased return that lasts 3 weeks

2. I went in with a plan -mornings week one etc

3. I wanted to be able to negotiate

4. someone from HR was there to keep it all legal

5. I had checked facts past my union and the County phased return policy

6.  Look at the info sheets on the Breast Cancer care site and on Macmillan about work returns and the options avaialbe

 

So basically i am saying, get all the facts you need and go in informally first for a chat and then go in for a formal meeting. please take someone with you too - I needed the HR lady.  At my informal chat i got upset and so knew that astill wasnt quite there - but coped well today and actually felt excitied!!!!

marion1978
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobsicle,

 

I found it difficult to approach health care staff and tell them I was struggling, I was determined to be a good patient! Thats why this forum is so important. 

You don't go into details and I totally respect that, if all you need from us is a sounding board or a shoulder thats what we are good at. My family and friends get that glazed look and I totally understand that you feel you've exhusted their ears.

Like Jo the moderator said speak to them on the phone, I've had great experience of using the BCC services and they're more professional than us, no offense ladies!

Oh and virtual hugs, we are good at that, so big hugs. I hope you get some resolution. 

Can you please let us know how you are getting on?

 

Marion

Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobbie,

I don't often say I'm lucky that I'm 65, but this is one of those times! I haven't had to face the trauma and complexity of going back to work. But I do send you the best vibes that I can to help you. How soon do you go back? Let me know how you get on.

Love,

Kazey x

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Thank you for your reply Kazey,
I have ordered that book mentioned, should come next week, I'm hoping that the book will help me like it has helped you....I'm getting myself worked up over going back to work 😞 I don't think I'm ready yet, I've been off since last May, I'm panicking over it, ..do you work? Have you gone back ?

Love Bobbie x
Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobsicle,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I'm sure the support from other women will have made you realise that you are not the only one, not that that makes it easy to cope with breast cancer.I'm glad you're going to get some support, someone to talk to. In the meantime, you might like to look at the book i recommended a bit ago on this strand. I always turn to books when I need something and this is one that I carry with me to look at to reassure me that I'm not mad, my feelings are normal and I'm not the only one. I know I've already written about it, but it has really made a difference for me. It's called Emotional Support through breast cancer, the alternative handbook. It's by a psychologist who's had breast cancer herself, so she knows her stuff, called Cordelia Galgut. If you're someone who likes to read, have a look on Amazon and see what you think.

Love,

Kazey x

 

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Thank you Helenbythesea, I will try and get a appointment tomorrow for some help...my head is all over the place 😞
Helenbythesea
Member

Re: feeling lonely

See if your GP can refer you to a clinical psychologist  - who deals with cancer patients; or macmillan.  if the GP can't perhaps your Breast Cancer nurse can - ,mine did and it has been great.  The Macmillan community nurse has contacted me fortnightly - including visiting me twice.  so it has been a reall opportunity to touch base with the emotional stuff that my family/friends/work are fed up of - or dont understand

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Thank you Jo , I think I will probably ring tomorrow, my head is all over the place xx
Jo_BCC
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Bobsicle,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling low at the moment and am sure your fellow forum users will be along soon to offer their support.  Could I suggest that when our helpline opens tomorrow morning at 9am you give them a call, the staff are here to support you both emotionally and practically through this.  Calls are free 0808 800 6000.

 

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

Bobsicle
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hello all
I don't know what to right but I so need someone to talk to about my feelings, who's knows what I'm going through, I have a supporting family but I feel as thou they are sick of hearing how I feel all the time ....I thought by going on anti depressants that I would b feeling better , but honestly I don't feel any different ... Can someone give me hope that all these feelings are normal ??
Helenbythesea
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Jennie,

The response you have got from others is just what I have had from work - and it has made me so angry!  Like you I was lucky enough not to need further treatments.  But the operation is massive and the grief, anger etc that is spoken about is all to do with that isn't it?  Then the pain swelling and weakness that results from the op has been incredible - my Breast Cancer nurse said it is almost better to need further treatments so your body has more time to revoer from a physical op!  I know what she means physically, but i am sure mentally and emotionally you styil have to acknowldge it all in the end,.

 

Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Marion,

I'm glad you got the book and i hope you find it as helpful as I have. I'd be interested to know what you think.

Kazey x

marion1978
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi,

 

I've bought the book you suggested and its arrived yesterday!

I'm going to the younger womans forum in March run by BCC and I'm really looking forward to it. Can't wait to meet like minded ladies and share experiences. 

Have to say I didn't have a good experience of Maggies its about 30 miles away from where I live. Went in twice and left my details for someone to call me back about the groups I was interested in, not to hear anything back... There's nothing local for me and I've found these forums much more useful.

I'm considering the counselling and I'd be interested as to where you were able to access this, although its because of the cancer, it seems to be confidence and intamacy that are now my biggest issues.

 

XxX

Kazey
Member

Re: feeling lonely

I feel so sorry for all the women who have written on this thread and know just what you mean. People so often just assume you will 'get back to normal',as if 'normal' hadn't changed for ever! It's easy to feel lonely when people don't understand. I've found reading good as a way to feel less mad. .One book i found that was really useful is a shortish one that makes all those problems we have seem normal. I've mentioned it on other threads and women have said they found it useful. It's called Emotional support through breast cancer. It's by a psychologist whos had breast cancer herself, Cordelia Galgut. It's an easy read and tells you lots of things that make you feel less of a loner. It's not very big and i keep it with me to dip into when i feel bad. It's also got good stuff for families, friends, etc. Anyway, worth a look on Amazon!

Kazey xx

Jenji
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Marion

I had mastectomy September 2013 and fortunately no other treatment.  I felt I was doing well although no-one seems to mention it any more but I am also  seeing a counsellor which is helping a lot.  But this week I had planned a trip to where I used to live when I was diagnosed, to do something I really wanted to do, and my anxiety has climbed up through the roof with palpitations and panicky feelings.  I was going on my own all full of old determination but today I realized I just could not do it and cancelled...I spoke to someone onthe BCC helpline and they were so helpful.

I have given myself permission not to feel a wimp and just to be kinder to myself about trying to prove I am OK but my confidence is going to take a little longer to grow again.  

I think I will look into The Haven and Maggie's.

Look after yourself

Jenjix

marion1978
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Froggy,

 

I feel exactly the same. Dx in May 2012, spent 11 months off work and socialising occasionally, I've found it devistating to my social life. Loads of friends have moved on with their lives and I just feel stuck in a giant rut. 

I want to talk about the diagnosis and my treatment but I've encountered what I suppose is fear from friends, they just don't want to know.

 

People have been very stand offish and it makes me avoid situations. 

 

I've gone back to work full time, done a very difficult course and gained a promotion. In work I've pushed myself to be seen as moved on but I just can't do that in my personal life. I think it will need to be a gradual re-introduction to socialising and only accepting invites that I know I'll be able to go along with. In the past I've said yes to everything and often pulled out last minute, because of anxiety or tiredness. I think a big step forward for me has been admitting that I can't do everything, that I've got limitations now. I think I'm more tearful about this than I ever was about my dx!

 

Look forward to hearing how its going for you!

 

Marion 

XxX

Kirstie
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Froggy

I understand exactly how you feel I too avoid lots of things I used to do before. I was diagnosed in July 2012 finished my treatment in March 2013. Im still not back to work, and some days I too wonder if I need anti depessants although like you dont want to go there! I try to force myself to do something everyday but it is lonely like you say.

I find myself wishing I was as I was before all this. I did quite enjoy life but realize looking back took a lot for granted. But I am trying not to look back, even though my future is looking a bit uncertain. I worry about loads of things I didnt before. I have thought of going to a support group, but just wish I could have some of my old confidence back. 

vercors
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Froggy and Pam,
Cancer diagnosis is life changing and all of us do have our wobbles.
We try to pretend everything is OK or we don't feel to like to talking to people around us because they just can't relate to our issues.

Without having to start a course of antidepressant, you can get great help by seeing a councellor. Have you got a maggie centre near you, alternatively you could discuss other options with your GP.
Take care.

poemsgalore
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi froggy,

 

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I only have one suggestion, and it might not be possible for you. This link is to the Maggies online http://www.maggiescentres.org/

Maggies is a cancer charity, and you can find out if there is one near you. They have all kinds of activities and is specially for cancer patients. If you can get to one, you will know that everyone you meet there has been through a cancer journey and will understand your feelings. You will find support and advice too.

 

Wishing you well

poemsgalore xx

Pammyx
Member

Re: feeling lonely

I feel the same diagnosed Jan 2013. I find it very difficult to speak to people whether this will improve in time I am not sure. I sometimes think it is due to other peoples attitude they are either overly sympathetic or treat you purely as the person with cancer however this may be due to my own sensitivity. I have joined support groups not sure if it always helps in the outside world. I suppose the only thing to do is battle on I was very cheered the other day when I found myself getting angry with someone I felt a bit more like my old self. Love Pam
Lucy_BCC
Member

Re: feeling lonely

Hi froggy
I am sorry to read that you are feeling lonely, have you read the BCC 'Moving forward' information pages?, you will find lots of support ideas here which you may find helpful. Please also feel free to call our helpliners for practical and emotional support on 0808 800 6000, lines are open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2

Here's a link to the information I mentioned:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward?utm_source=Homepage&%3Butm_medium=help_you&%3Butm_...

Take care
Lucy BCC



froggy
Member

feeling lonely

Was not quite sure which category to start this thread in ; hope some of you out there may be able to help.

Diagnosed with BC in 2011, 3 normal mammograms down the line but I find it really hard to socialise ever since this has happened to me . I have lost confidence in life and in myself and when I am with people , I think to myself : well , you can't understand what it's like and I think that whether the people know about my history or not . I also feel some anger I suppose because they haven't been through it and I think why me ? And then I feel guilty for thinking things like that . The net result is I feel lonely and I do avoid social occasions as much as I can . I was wondering whether anybody else is feeling like this and if anybody has got any tips , words of advice or whatever ? Do I  need to take antidepressants ( something I don't really want to do ) Hope someone can help.