feeling so lonely.

[judyw47]

Hi Nicky sorry to read you are feeling like this. On my primary BC journey I joined my local support group and activities like yoga and aquacise through Macmillan. You will eventually make some lovely new friends to share your journey laughter and tears with. What area of the country do you live? Sending you warm positive thoughts Nicky x

[Rose47]

sorry, not sure why the emotional content comment came on !! 

[Rose47]

Spoiler

Hi Clarence,

I am so sorry to read that you are having such a bad time.  However, your are not alone and if you post on the Bone Mets thread there are lots of ladies with all kinds of mets that will be there to offer support, kindness and lots of knowledge.

Its a hard hard journey we are on and whilst I have it under control most of the time sometimes it just hits me and I feel overwhelmed by it all as I am sure everyone coping with this day to day does.

Try to find a nice thing to focus on doing each day,  start off small and gradually build up to maybe a trip away or a night out.  Most importantly though keep posting on here so that you don't think you are in this on your own.

(( )) hugs Maria

[Clarence]

All of a sudden I'm finding I can't cope with my diagnosis of sBC. I am being treated for major depression which I had before this happened. Any tips on coping?

[funnyface]

Niki, Wondering how you are feeling? Have you found any grieving support groups or breast cancer support. I remember when I was diagnosed with my primary breast cancer I felt OK and didn't feel I need support. Then when it came back in my lungs I felt entirely different. Friends and family don't get it!! They don't understand how lonely you can feel. It is not easy living this life! Part of my losing weight, beginning exercises and making a change every week was to help me concentrate on other things and keep my act together. My  latest change is trying to find some little inexpensive things to do. I like nature and enjoy getting outside.Do you have any hobbies or activities you enjoy? Please tell us more about you! Hugs! Hang in there! FF

[funnyface]

Hi Nicki, I just decided to take a look at this coffee lounge thread. Like Carolyn I post on the secondaries section. Your post about your mum and dementia brought you to my attention. I helped with my Aunt who had dementia. I also work at our local senior center and am in charge of a dementia program. Our senior center is a day program where seniors come to enjoy our programs or hang with their friends. Then we have the dementia program for early stage dementia we also take people in the program that need some extra help to enjoy the senior center. My job is to monitor their safety and guide them to have fun, since So many lose the ability to iniate socialization. It has always amazed me how people do not have any patience for dementia victims. Most of the other seniors have no patience for them. Complain how they repeat themselves, don't remember things, etc. They think their faking. My friends mother had dementia and her daughter in law thought she was faking it. She didn't understand that sometimes they are totally gone and other times they will have a lucid moment. This woman took peoples cameras. Lol no she wasn't stealing them, no she didn't have a thing for them, and no she didn't know she took them! They found 10 cameras in her bedroom. In drawers, closets and under her bed. Her daughter in law said look at all these cameras she stole. She said When they took her places and people woukd be looking for their cameras they would ask if she had it. Of course she would answer no. Her DIM said she is a liar and a thief and his them all. Well she didn't steal them she thought when she went places that it was her sons camera. She wasn't lying when she Saud she didn't have it, she truly forgot by that point that she had it. When she got home she was just stuffing it somewhere bc she didn't know where it came from and what to do with it. Even some professionals don't understand this and the limitations the people have. My cousin was a nurse and her husband a family Dr. They decided to take aunt out of the nursing home and take her home for 2 weeks. They bought her a goldfish and tank and tried to teach her how to care for it. They claimed she understood. They bought her anew TV and disposed of her old one. Well after 2 weeks they took her back to the nursing home with the new TV and gold fish. Well She killed the fish the first day bc she dumped in all the food, put the whole bottle of chlorine removing drops in the tank, and dipped out the water to water plants. Threw a glass in a nurses face bc she said I don't live here why are you keeping me prisoner. After being gone for 2 weeks she didn't remember the place. She though t someone stole her little TV and didn't know where the big TV came from or how to work it. She ended up in the psyche ward at the hospital til they got her squared away. So if professionals, family and other seniors can't understand what dementia people are going thru you can imagine others can't. Your friends might just not of understood.

Next and I will try to make this shorter. I've spent almost the last year trying to lose weight, get stronger and just have more control over myself. I decided that each week I would make one change in me and do it every day for a week and then try to continue it. If I didn't do it correctly I had to repeat it the next week without adding something else. I was also feeling lonely and felt I wasn't getting out and about enough. I knew I had to take the responsibility for changes to help my health and my happiness. This wasn't easy, but one step at a time made it nit So overwhelming. I did little things like this week you will cut portions, next no soda before noon, call up an old friend, make a date with an old friend, get out of the chair every hour, drink more water, start exercising doing 10 repetitions, after 2 months add more til you reach 25, leave a surprise on a gas pump at a convenience store (a note to have a good day and $2 to buy a coffee or other beverage), etc. I have lost 55lbs., I am able to walk for longer periods, I am happier and notice people are calling me to go out, I am able to do 40 sit-ups every night and couldn't do even one when I started, last night I decided to do 50! I haven't done  that since high school! I'm  62! High school was 55 years ago! I thought the idea of changing one thing a week might help you out one foot in front of the other! 

Sorry, I have rambled so much! Btw I definitely live to far to go out for coffee! I live across the pond in the USA. I live in Pennsylvania about an hour west of Philadelphia! Good luck be good to you! FF

[Ms Merton]

Hello again lovely Nicki - just to say I am thinking of you and hoping you are having an ok day.  As you see lots of ladies here feel for you and want to send you our love.  Also many of us have been through the bald with one breast stage or similar.  Fortunately my hair is now growing back but before cancer I had long blonde hair and now I have short curly brown/grey hair which isn't quite the same look!  I know how hard the hair loss is, but trust me it will come back soon and hopefully then you will start to feel better about yourself.  Also I am currently sporting one natural E cup breast and one reconstructed C cup breast (no nipple yet)  - hope they can be made to match better eventually but will take a further 12-18 months to get the finished set.  Lots of us are happy to share our experience of reconstruction if that interests you - I would strongly recommend it if you can bear more surgery in due course.  If you feel able to say what area you live in, there may be ladies near you who could pop by or being treated at the same hospital who could meet you for a coffee when you are there. Do take care.  Susan xx 

[Over70]

Hello again

So pleased that you have had such positive feed back from this lovely forum.

I am off for a short break today where wifi is intermittent , but I will try and see how you get on with that scan.

Those lymph nodes are a right nuisance. I don't remember any problems mentioned before they whipped them out. The talk  after on lymphoedema was more frightening than the mastectomy!

Take care

 Big hug

Joan

[Kala]

Hi Nicki 🤗You are amazing. You deserve more than a medal after looking after your dear mum and getting through the mastectomy and treatment given. You are aloud to grieve your mum for as long as you want because although they say it gets easier it is never ever forgotten so those days when you feel c--- its aloud and it's okay xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you have been through an awful testing time in your life but guess what ? You have got through your operation and you are making the choice to ask for a little help. I think you are super brave. I am only beginning my journey with chemo first, one session down and five to go 👍. 

I wish I knew where you lived as I would say come stay at mine for a little break because you deserve zillions of friends and let me tell you there are lots of folk out there that will give you friendship and once you start meeting people there will be no looking back for you. 

This site is the most lovely place to be when your feeling down, happy , frustrated etc etc.

Im so pleased your going to be referred for councilling because then you can speak in confidence and let all your feelings out , it will help you so much. 

Last week I got a clot and I have spent lots of time in and out of hospital where the doctors and nurses were just amazing . When I was there I met two lovely ladies and I even swapped phone numbers as she was going through the same treatment as me. I was so happy to have the company. 

Take care xxxx 

[ladybowler]

Nicki

Hey hello mate :).  Well I was shattered this morning it was a tough game, 3 hours long,but we did it.  Trhough to the semi finals now so fingers crossed.

Is it possible that you have a seroma, they can be very uncomfortable, I had one under my arm from the lymph node surgery, which were all clear following surgery, mine did go down after several weeks, when I checked it with my bcn she confirmed that was what it was and said if I can tolerate it and not have it drained that would be a good thing to do.   Mine felt like I had a golf ball under my arm.

Good to hear that you are having a nap, At least you are resting and your body will be working at healing itself.  You are not selfish at all my dear

Helena xxx

[Nicki roberts]

Ahhh well done Helen for the win with the ladies and making it through. Congrats! Sounds like so much fun. How you feeling? I've found a bump in my right arm pit. It's like a swollen ball but may be something to do with my lymph nodes being taken out and all around that area hasn't healed properly yet. I've let my nurse know and they want me in to do an ultra scan Monday. It's a good thing as they can have a look to check at where the pain is too. I got the all clear fron my lymph nodes and everywhere else so it can't be nothing. Anyway I'm going for a nap as feeling so tired today. Not sleeping at all. Thanks Helen sorry I feel like I'm being selfish. Sorry if I am.

Lots of love and hugs nicola xxxxxxx

[ladybowler]

Nicki

Hey mate, sorry I have only just got home from a bowls competition so first chance I have had to check in with you.  You are sounding more positive which is really good.  Lots of very useful ideas you are having and the mcmillan centre seems to be spot on for you.

As the others have said try not to be too hard on yourself, you really are only in the early weeks of recovery from your chemo and surgery, everything is starting to settle down which hurts like no business but you will get there.  How about if you are feeling guilty about resting that you plan some time in your day where you say to yourself, this is my relax time, perhaps start off with a 15 minute slot and then build from there so that you can get used to resting without feeling guilty, resting is a big part of our recovery process.  I often find even now, and I did not have as much treatment as you, that I will get to a point in the day where my shoulders go heavy and the  next minute I am asleep for about 10/15 minutes, wake up and I am able to carry on for the rest of the evening, but I know and have got used to doing this so I have learned to accept this as part of my recovery process.

I am going to sign off for the evening my dear as I am shattered.  I want to share with you that we won tonight so we are through to the semi finals of the competition for the first time as a team, so proud of the other ladies as they played amazingly.

Will be in touch tomorrow.

Night night  Helena xxx

[ann-m]

Thanks so much for asking, Nicky. I'm absolutely fine & have felt back to normal for a while now. I did not need chemo, so my recovery has been quite straightforward. I had my first year all clear in March.
I'm also on tamoxifen & have been fine on it, but for others, side effects can be more troublesome, so its good you have spoken to your onc about it. The helpline on the top of this page will also advise on this. Some ladies here have found that mild anti-depressant treatment can help with side effects, see the venlafaxine thread in hormone treatment.
take care
ann x

[Nicki roberts]

Thank you Ann..your have been so understanding and I thank you for that. It feels like people don't even give you a break with cancer these days..its just a horrible place to be in. I gone a bit low again tonight..its like waves...its so so lonely...its tom just need a hug and someone to say everything will be ok. Well I have got that here. Will try those threads out. I've been that hormone drug tamoxifen not sure if I spelt that right? Anyway I have had some awful body aches last couple of days...as I said I have arthritis so I'm not sure if this is going to make it worst..they took a bone scan to check my bones and it did come back I had server arthritis. That's why I'm not sure why my oncologist put me on this one? I'll come over and ask about. Thanks Ann..how are you?? Are you ok?? Read hope all is going well in your corner. Xxxx

[Carolyn52]

Hello Nicky 

Glad that my humble posting helped a bit. If you go to the main menu you will find a thread called going through treatment ...there is several chemo threads there to help you with side effects of the treatment u r going through at the moment ...day at a time ...baby steps .

Once u settle in with the forum and get to know the other ladies ..you might just find a buddy to meet up with you but sadly it won't be me as I don't live anywhere near you in bethnal green !!!!

I don't post here very often but hang around the secondary bc threads mostly but I will dip in here to keep up with your posts etc.

Anyway ...try to stay close to your daughter and granddaughter ...you will find her a tower of strength and you will be surprised just how much it will help.

Xxx

[ann-m]

Hi Nicky,

So glad you're feeling a bit better & you have some plans about courses, great idea!

Please don't be so hard on yourself, it's just your caring & sensitive nature. Goodness, it's not long since your treatment, so it does take a while to recover for anyboby, let alone the stresses you've had as well.

As well as some of the other threads, there is a lovely group of ladies chatting on 'Progesterone, other hormones & fluffy cakes' in the hormone treatment board in 'going through treatment.' Carolyn, Helena & myself hang out there, so will keep an eye out for you if you want to join in. Do look at the other threads as well.

ann x

[Nicki roberts]

Hey Caroline...what a beautiful supportive hopeful message..It brought tears to my eyes. I would love to meet up with women like me for the support and even just a little social get out! I will join in on some of the other threads as well. I spoke to someone at macmillan today and they have promised me they are going to push for some counselling for me. If I feel that bad I could also go to A&E to a on point psychiatrist. Hoping it doesn't come to that. I did feel better today for finally building up the courage to come on here last night and share where I'm at and how bad I feel. I am also going to join a mindfulness course at a Buddhist centre in Bethnal Green. So I'm looking forward to that. I've also seen some courses I would like to do in September god willing I'm stronger. Funny enough it's learning hypnosis for anxiety and then become a fully qualified hypnotists. Although I don't feel well and don't feel strong at all. I keep getting really breathless I know this is not anxiety. I've had this since the chemotherapy. My body still feels so fragile. I've just started taking my dog back out for walks up the Thames. Although I get back home and I'm absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day. I have to see a rheumatologist next week as it's looking like I'm suffering with chronic fatigue/frobramalgia. So I have other stuff going on as well as C treatment. I started feeling the fatigue when I was my mum's carer. I'm so gutted as it Really restricts you. Your mind says you can do this and that..when you do this stuff your body says no. I just think my body is exhausted and I have been told after having to lift my mum push her in her wheel chair for those years I now need to rest a bit. I just get itchie as I feel I should be doing something so I'm never really relaxing...its like I've got to relearn how to relax and not feel guilty...I never stopped with mum. Also I have my daughter and my beautiful granddaughter whos 16 months. She's a new mum and obviously you need your mum with your first baby. However I feel like I've let her down as this **bleep** disease has put a pressure on her and she shouldn't have to go through that. Where she's young as well she doesn't seem to take in what's happened to me..don't know if it's denial or she's young and thinks mum is invincible. Haha. Probably a bit of both. So sorry To go on not had anyone to talk too. So its all coming out here...I really hope your well Carolyn?? How's everything going for you. Sound like you have met some truly amazing women. What a lovely way not to feel alone with this. I'm still so scared. Even though I got the all clear. I still feel terrified now. Lots of love and thank you so much for your thoughtful message. If anyone has a thread to suggest would really welcome it thank lady's you have all been amazing and I feel a bit better xxxxxxx

[Carolyn52]

Hello Nicky
Thought I would just pop in and say hello really ..you have had so many lovely replies and support there is not much more I can say.
This forum is a good support network with real people that understand what you are going through. Hopefully you will find a lot more threads that you can join in with too. There's something for every treatment ..chemo, rads etc and once you get to know the ladies ...there might be someone here living nearby that you can meet for a coffee.
I have met some lovely ladies here ..we have lunch and coffee/ cake and really enjoy a good natter and moan about our worries.
Well that's about all I can offer at the moment.
Carolyn

[Nicki roberts]

Oh wow Joan you sound like a proper soilder! You've inspired me as well. Your so positive and what after you've also been through I feel embarrassed that I'm so weak compared to you. I never been strong and I've always been sensitive. So the intense stress over the last five years has completely floored me...I hate the way I look...I'm single and after mum passed away I was thinking it would be a nice time to may be meet someone. This C put an end to that. I use to get a bit of attention. I was a size 8 long dark hair and looked ok for my age. Now I've seemed to have ballooned out?? My stomach is so swollen. I have wirey grey skin head and one boob. I can't wear a bra to even it out as I'm still in so much pain from the op...its been two months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better?? It's only 8 weeks so may be it's still early?? So I don't feel I stand a chance of meeting anyone any time soon. I haven't had a boyfriend for 7 years and I miss that as well.
Oh well I must start some where. Therapy will be the first step. Thank you Joan for being here for me. Your amazing inspiration. Pls stay in touch love nicki xxxx

[Nicki roberts]

Hi anne thanks so much for reaching out and for your lovely message. .I Hooe your ok and well? . another day and trying to be more positive however in alot of pain as well...I've just spoke macmillan and they are going to try and rush the counselling through. I feel so alone right now. May be I deserve this. I am not sure of anything anymore. It's been such an intense five years that I feel I've really had enough. Really looking at what I shared with all you lovely ladies is only the half of it. Anyway I'll have to save it for therapy. I nearly called the samaritans last night as I couldn't sleep and I've only had 3 hours so feel so drained. I'm not eating properly either. I forgot the last time someone cooked for me. Or I went out for dinner etc. Although to be honest I can't handle public places. I can't stand the stares and I also get over whelmed quickly and just want to get home. When I do get home I'm absolutely exhausted and then it takes me at least three days to recover. I don't drink alcohol. I do still smoke as I have awful anxiety. I need to stop and the more I tell myself that the more anxious I get as I know I should have well given up by now.
I know I'll get there yet I feel it's a massive mountain in front of me. I don't know where to start. I suppose counselling would be the first step. I really hope it helps with these horrible feelings I have .... just feel like I'm existing at the moment. Thanks to all of you for being here for me. I can't tell you how much it means xxx

[Over70]

Nicky

I am now much happier. Treatment now just hormone therapy until I'm 81!

l am nearly 30 years older than you, but we still experience the same problems .

I have been lucky. Lots to look forward to and determined not to keep looking back

You have made the best move contacting Macmillan. They were my lifeline when my sister was dying , and they can help you.

Good Luck

Strange when I hadn't been on the forum for ages. Glad I picked up on your post last night.

I could sense a thread of hope. Long may that continue

Joan

[Nicki roberts]

Over 70. Ahhh I'm so so sorry for your loses. I did also mean to say two months after month my best friend died of a blood clot suddenly. That was also a shock beyond belief. I am willing to join as many groups as poss. I have ask macmillan and they have reffered me to counselling jsut waiting to hear now. I so relate to you when you said getting breast cancer as a reward for caring the way you did. That's exactly how I feel. I do believe the stress of everything didn't help with my own health. However I wouldn't change it for the world. I miss my mum terribly. I really don't want to contact people who have treated me the way they have. I did nothing wrong apart from asking them about there behaviours. Like I said to lady bowler I need to start a fresh. I need like minded people and I need to get positive in my life. I can't thank you enough for reaching out...just to know someone who has been through similar and understand means alot. I don't have a partner and I have cut alot of people out my life. When I was caring for my.mum with dementia I knew I couldn't ever be the same with these people again. I'm too heart broken the way they treated my mum. She never deserved that. As I said tonight it hit me..I'm in so much disbelief that this is all happens that I'm getting like these flashes of it all and it's so so painful and hard to cope with it alone. I have two friends that are there. They are both really busy. Ones a nurse. The other a mum with two autistic kids. So we all have a lot on our plates. They both can't believe what I've been through. Thanks you so much I miss my mum so much. I'm so sorry about you mum sister and mother in law. It sounds like you have been incredible person and I can't believe you managed all of that. I hope your being taken care of. I know men can't cope. However its still nice to have that other person there day and night...I wish I had someone like a partner in my corner. Your husband must be so proud of you and so grateful for what you did. I don't know about you but the cancer stuff I feel hasn't even hit me properly and I'm still back there with mum and digesting all that. Also mourning her. To be in mourning and cancer is so strange. How do we find that strength?? It's hard enough losing your mum let alone this on top! Are you having counselling? I need to speak to my nurse they do know. They feel I have PTSD from mum and the whole situation. Anyway sending you a massive hug and thank you so much again xxxx

[ladybowler]

Nicki

I am just glad that I have been able to be of some help albeit that it is only a little bit.  I can only imagine how hard it was to write it, but you are brave and you know you are in a safe comfortable place here surrounded by people who get you and understand which has enabled you to reach out.  That goes a long way to your asking for the help that you know you need to get.

Many years ago I was in a situation where I did not know where to turn, I knew I needed to do something about the relationship I was in bit I really did not know what to do, in the end I rang Samaritans and spoke to this lovely gentleman who spent a long time, perhaps an hour or more just listening to me, I found it a real help just to talk to someone who could be objective as he did not know me.  I made the right decision and i have never looked back.

When I was diagnosed with bc, there was a point where I felt rather overwhelmed by it, my wonderful boss arranged for me to have some counselling which I found sooo good and really helped me.  Perhaps you could speak with your breast cancer nurse, I know mine mentioned that there was a counselling service available at the breast clinic if I needed it.

You will heal from all this and you will learn to let go, the fact that you have recognised this and what you want to do is such a huge step to make and well done you for doing it.

I am going to have to sign off now as I need to be up at 6.30pm tomorrow, but I will check in again tomorrow night to see how you are.

Helena xxxx

[ann-m]

Hi Nicky,

So sorry to hear how you're feeling, it is tough enough going through cancer treatment anyway, let alone what you went through with your mum & family as well. Sadly, family & friends sometimes are not helpful, but that's not your fault, rather it's more about them. It certainly sounds like it's just all rather caught up with you a bit, but you are not alone.

Glad to see you have been in touch with Macmillan, there may also be volunteer support available if you feel that might be helpful, your treatment team may also be able to advise on this.

Also, there is the helpline above to talk things through if you need to.

Do come & chat here whenever you want to & take care.

sending hugs

ann x

[Nicki roberts]

Lady bowler thanks so much for the reply. I really find it hard to reach out that's always been a thing I always try and just get on. But lately I find that I am need of some connection with people that understand. As I feel the people around haven't even wanted to try. I just wpuld like to find a nice group a support group. I also feel I need some therapy of some sort. I have been in touch with macmillan. However this evening it's all hit me really hard. I jsut needed to reach out. It was so hard writing all that. I know how it all seems however I really am feeling no matter what when someone gets cancer surely people leave stuff to one side to be there. Then I remember how they treated my mum so why should I be any different.

I need to start my life again..I need to let all this go. I want to heal from all of it. I welcome any support right now. It feels like I need to smash my pride and ask. As I said this isn't easy..also to go through all this awful famiky stuff as well its been a really hard time. Thank you for being here tonight and reaching out. Xxx

[Over70]

Let's try to help.

l know how hard it is to get on with breast cancer and I have a family. My mother  and sister died within 11months of each other. My mother died from old age and my sister struggled with cancer for four yrears. I also was the main carer for my mother in law and she died 3 weeks before my sister. I had travelled many miles over some years trying to care for them, so it seemed like a cruel reward when breast cancer was diagnosed.. No mum or  sister - missed them more than ever.

lt was my friends who got me through it all , family are too traumatised, Mum isn't supposed to be ill and husbands can't cope. 

So where can you find support, particularly female. 

Is there a WI or something similar you could join. They are friendly with meetings and clubs to join. I hadn't been a member long but they were so supportive.. Any breast cancer or Macmillan groups near you?

You say you are bald with one breast, well you are not alone there , but you are only 7 weeks post op so don't expect too much.

It may be that you  could try and make contact with some former friends. Explain how you felt, see if bridges could be built . If just one of them contacted you back it's a start. Perhaps you will have more insight into their rejection of you.

I probably have been no use, but I wish you well . You must still be under the care of a medical team or GP. Time to be honest with them, they might be able to help as well.

This forum is a friendly place .I am sure someone else will come up with ideas , better than mine.

[ladybowler]

Nicki

I have just read your post and wanted to just let you know that we are all here for you on this forum.  I really do not know what else to say that will be of help, but I wonder if it might help you to call the helpline number where you will be able to speak to someone who might be able to give you help and support.

You have come through so much and done so well with everything that you have been through and no one can ever take that away from you.

Just sending you a lovely hug and hope that you can find the help and support you need.  Dont stop coming on here and talking to us, that is what this forum is all about.

Helena xxx

[Nicki roberts]

Hi all I don't come on here much. I have crippling depression and feeling so low at the moment. I have literally no support. Not a family member or friend. I have been having terrible mood swings and I feel so frustrated in how I feel. I have alot of selfish people around me. However I am not backwards in coming forward I seem to say it how it is and don't have a filter. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not wrong and I am being treated badly. However I am reacting badly to it. This seems to give them the ultimate excuse to dispell what they have done and focus on my outlash of a response.

I am 45. I lost my mum to FTD dementia. This dementia is rare and tthe most challenging. It occurs in people in there middle ages. My mum started showing signs at 55/56. She died age 62. I was her main carer for four years. To say it was difficult was an understatement. I live in a flat on the second floor with no lift. It's an victorian building and the stairs are very tiny, very ickledy pickledy. The actual width is a size 3 step. Seriously I have to go down them side wides. My mum was 5"7 size 16. She lost her mobility due to parkinsonism on top of the dementia. My mum also suffered with a constant infection which affected her behaviour. The shock of seeing someone you love change the way she did literally shocked my system. I felt I went into a denial. It was a survival mechanism. Mum wpuld lash out and was very demanding..she never slept and hit me if she wanted something and I didn't do it straight away. I was my mum's life when she was well. She was my rock. She was a 24 hour mum. I relied heavly on her. Now the roles had reversed. I was mum and she was like my child. Her symptoms could be horrible. I felt so heart broken as she was the most loving soft hearted beautiful lady. She never swore. She never judged anyone. She never gossiped. She was someone people respected. Now she was swearing throwing things etc. My family were awful. They took her symptoms personally..not only was I trying to get my head around this and looking after mum I was also studying mum's disease and trying to get it into people's head she was sick and didn't mean what she was doing. I also went into shock as they knew mum they knew this wasn't her. Why didn't they have patients or tolerance or understanding. She was there sister auntie cousin mum partner. Why am I having to do this. The stress was mounting up on me. I was constantly exhausted. There was no rest with mum. Some days I wanted to scream. And all the time not one person was there for me. My closest child hood friends also seem to think that it how could I be going through all that. Becuase on the very rare occasions they visited they only saw mum for an hour. They would sit there and say "oh she's ok" sometimes it made me feel like I was a liar and I was making it up how bad things where. It came to a point that I noticed a month had gone by and not one of them had called texted to see how we where. It complete frustration I sent a text telling them a few home truths. To me you can't dress the truth up or how you feel. So they took that as thr perfect opportunity to use it as completely not to bother with me and mum. From that day not any of them have spoken to me. I also said I wanted nothing more to do with them.

However mum passed away last August. Then in December I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a size of a tennis ball in my right breast. Stage two ductal breast cancer IDC. Still not one of them contacted me. A neighbour contacted my brother when I had my first course of chemotherapy as I was so sick. Home alone. I had not one of them come and visit. He did but I could feel they had all ganged up on me like a pack of hyiegners. Pls don't think I'm mad. I promise you I had that strong women's intuition. I felt it of him. He had betrayed me like you wouldn't believe.

I had a mastectomy 7 weeks ago. Still at home alone. I feel a bit suicidal. I don't get how cruel they are all being. I will never forgive them. I don't want them in.my life but they are also all I know. I need to find some groups for women with cancer. I cry for mum every day. I miss her so so so much my heart is broken. I'm bald with one breast and look awful. I feel in so much pain in my right armpit arm and chest wall. I have IBS frobramalgia arthritis scriosist. I'm sorry to go on. But I'm in my flat day in day out as I feel so poorly. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so low..I just want my mum and for all this to go away...I have been through all this alone. I can't believe how they have treated me ... I was always there for them. I was always the one fixing people. My best friend when she spilt with her partner. I decorated her whole flat. I sat up with her every night. I looked after her daughter etc. She met someone else just when my mum fell Ill and off she went. Am I expecting to much? I feel so ashamed having to wrote this. I feel so desperate and lonely...scared and heart broken. I was hard work I own that. I was just under so much pressure the last five years. I don't know how much I can take thanks for reading this. Sorry to be so negative. I have no one to talk to anymore.