Hi All
Can I say that just reading some of the comments in this forum has helped me out no end. How ever I am finding it hard to understand the whole cancer thing. After a really hard year my girlfriend was diognsed with breast cancer 4 weeks ago. Since then it has been appointments with doctors, surgens and nurses. Inbetween all of that I had a short break away in order to clear my head and hopfully come back stronger in mind to help my girfriend get through this.
When i got back my girlfriend had told me that the cancer had spread to her lymnods. Which in mind is some what serious but again I am not sure. She has had her first course of chemo on tuesday which was a massive wake up call for my girlfriend and me. She has been started on what has been nicked named The Red Devil which in its self scared the sh#t out of me let alone watching it get pumped into her arm.
But what i do not understand is how my Girlfriend is being so strong when i know deep down she is scared! i know it is her way of coping but all i want is for her to show me no one else that she is scared and worried. After that i know i would be much stronger as i feel like the weak one in the relationship.
I have no other dealings with cancer in my life, this is the first time. My girlfriends mother had it tiwce in both breasts so she has a good understanding of it.
i just feel that i am losing the plot alittle like i said we had already had a really bad year last year and this is not the start that we wanted for this one.
i also feel sacred about her getting sick, losing of her hair, operations and most of all the fact i may never had children with her. We had planned to have a child this year my girlfriend has 2 kids which i enjoy being with and love them but i would have loved to have held my own baby.
Does that make me selfish in how i feel or say? i hope it does not as i am really not a selfish person and normally put poeple before myself but i am finding it hard to cope.
I want to be strong for her and the little ones but i need to find a good place for my self and would love to hear or meet with other partners that have been in the same position as me andmany others so i can get a understanding that i am not the only one who has thoughts like these.
hi Ian,
Saw your post the other day and had hoped someone would have replied to you - unfortunatly the forums aren’t as good as they used to be so it may be ages before you get a reply.
So thought someone better respond here are my thoughts for what theyr worth!
Yes sorry you do sound a bit selfish and looking at how the whole BC thing will affect you rather than your partner but at least you are being honest and vocalising how you feel. This whole BC things is so unfair it will affect your relationship in the short term but hopefully you will both be strong and support one another through it. Your girlfriend will probably loose her hair, her stamina and her sex drive (sorry if this is a bit blunt) but most of these things will come back after the chemo is over. I am not sure about the ability to have a baby - some women do go on to sucesfully have children - so don’t loose hope.
It is Ok to admit how you feel - i am sure many partners out there have similar feelings, sometimes it is harder to be the person watching someone who is ill than to be the sick person - you feel so helpless, if you are the sick person you just have to get on with it (does that make sense?) Also as a parent there is a huge urge to survive and battle through for the kids - you have to be strong there is no option, she knows she has to keep going and put on a brave face but I am sure she is just as scared as you underneath.
I am sure you will find the strengh to support her - you will surprise yourself - coming on here is a good step and a good place to share how you feel usually there will be people along to support you.
One other thing - the chemical cocktail they call the 'red devil" really should be ‘the red avenging angel’ - it is this stuff that will kill all the stray cancer cells (if there are any - there may not be) It will save her life.
try and keep busy - do practical stuff to support her, you will get through this.
cheers
Caroline
Sorry you and your partner are having to go through this. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July last year and at the same time my partner was being investigated for prostrate cancer. I must admint I coped much better with my diagnosis thatn I did my partners, maybe because I felt more in control. FOr some reason it was easier to go through treatment than to be the supportive person my partner needed through his treatment.
It took us a fair while before we could talk about how we had been affected and both of us decided to get counselling which worked well. We talk often now about being well but not being back to how things were before as we will enver get that back again.
Hopefully you will both find the right time to talk
Hi Ian
Your post made me realise how tough it must be for people around me too. I don’t think it is selfish to think about the things that you are thinking about and well done for coming on the forum. I wish my other half (OH) would look for support sometimes! Anyway - what I wanted to say is that there is a weird thing about having a “life threatening” diagnosis. It is a wake up call for the important things in life and can be a kind of buzz for the person with the diagnosis. I hated to admit to this until I read an article by a journalist who had had the experience and described the process. As the diagnosed person you get attention (some of it unwelcome and unhelpful) but I honestly think that in my experience it is harder for the person supporting. At the moment it is all very new for you both. My best advice is that you have to get used to uncertainty. Nothing about this illness is ever easy or certain, and sometimes there are conflicting views on treatment and so on. In the meantime, please keep posting. There are other people on here who are supporting loved ones and I’m sure they will be along sometime soon. Please feel free to PM me if any of my comments ring true with you. If your OH feels like coming onto the forum when she is ready then all the better. It is a great form of support and I have made some great friends on here.
Thinking of you both.
Tara xx
Oh and probably worth you contacting one or two of the guys on the thread “how do i help her”. They sound really helpful and going through or have gone through similar stuff.
Tara xx
Hi Ian. Sorry I don’t drop in as often as I used to.
The red devil - that will be Epirubicin. I remember it well from my wife’s treatment.
I do not think wanting your own child makes you selfish, but cancer does change plans somewhat.
If your GF had a rough time with side effects, make sure they are mentioned at the next appointment. This forst stage the major side effect is nausea. My wife was started on the cheaper drugs that did not to a lot for her. We mentioned it and got the better drugs from then on. I don’t begrudge the docs trying the cheaper drug first - it is a lot cheaper!
As for being strong - she does not really have much choice. She can face it and fight, or feel sorry for herself and wilt. You don’t have much choice either - us partners have to just deal with it too.
We are a lot further on. My wife finished treatment a little over a year ago. Her hair is nor back, and curly. She has a few scars, but she is doing well. I have grown to love the scars because they mean I get to keep her.
I assume there will have been other scans like a CT or MRI - node involvement in itself is not necessarily anything to get worried about. It is just part of the info the team use to decide upon treatment.
When she is on her chemo she will have good days and bad. Some of the fatigue will build up over the sessions. If you do not know how to already, learn to use the washing machine. Don’y make a sog and dance about how good you are being, just make sure there’s np build up of washing. Make sure the children are up, dressed, breakfasted and to school.
You will also have some surprised about friends. Some will be conspicuous by absence others who you may not have thought about as particulalrly close will really step up to the mark.
Here’s to a good recovery,
Paul.
Hi Ian,
I hope the passage of time has improved things for you and your GF. I suspect that much will have happened since you posted. I thought I’d offer a contribution for other who might read this about what it feels like to be the partner of someone with BC.
My wife was diagnosed with BC in early Nov 2011, had a mastectomy with reconstruction in Jan, Nodes removed in Feb, Chemo April, RT Aug, Hormone therapy Sept. We’ve got 2 young children.
I can identify with your comments and I don’t think you are being selfish at all with your feelings. I’ve found BC terrifying. What will happen to my wife, what will happen to my family? In the early days, I was consumed with the fear of her dying. But after comming to terms with the shock of the diagnosis and various setbacks along the way, I found that rolling the sleeves up and getting on with it helped support a positive state of mind. Providing practical support such as taking on more housework, child care, etc as well as emotional support, through listening, not advising, being there, attending appointments, reassuring, etc takes a lot of effort on top of a full time job but it made a big difference to my wife and helped me to feel less useless, focus on the here and now and not dwell on the future. My wife has been strong and focused throughout this ordeal and has seldom felt sorry for herself. Her strength has helped me cope too.
WHat’s interesting though is that as the treatment comes to an end (RT ends this week), the focus on the here and now is coming to an end too. I thought I’d be overjoyed once she had finished her treatment but unexpectedly I’m feeling sad and exhausted. I hope that will pass and I’m able to stop asking myself whether the treatment has worked.
I remember wondering whether I was being self indulgent in having those fears - surely the priority is your wife and how she is feeling. The priority is of course your wife but I concluded that if you love someone, it’s inevitable that you’ll worry for her future. I also remember being very self critical that it seemed that she was being braver than me and was more resilliant but at the same time being glad that she had that strength.
There have been good things to come out of this experience so far. One is that you reappraise your life, your values your priorities. Things that may have motivated or stressed you in the past change for the better. But the biggest impact for us was that the bond between us strengthened. We had a good relationship before BC but as is normal when you’ve known someone for 20 years, the intensity of loving emotions reduces over time. After the diagnosis, the intensity of love for my wife came back like an explosion. It felt like I was a teenager again experiencing the intensity of emotion when we first fell in love.
I can fully relate to LargerBloke’s comments above, “I have grown to love the scars because they mean I get to keep her.”
Ian, I hope things have got easier for all since you posted and I hope that any other halfs reading this can use it to make sense of how they are feeling.
Cheers.