husband causing me more agro, again

[Guest user]

I know where you are,and you can't judge a relationship,as in the old saying,no one knows what goes on behind closed doors,I was that woman,gave great advice to others and when I divorced 4 years ago,2 years pre bc by the way, it could have made the national press as none of my family could have predicted it,but they have been fantastic since

[Guest user]

Sorry if I misunderstood you Mary, I have had doubts for the past 15 years!! though less in the last 2 months (wow! I hear you say!) and I know that if I wasn't in my relationship but was a friend of mine I would have slapped me around the head with a large wet kipper (probably with a hammer inside it) years ago, xxx

[Guest user]

I agree with you in that until you are totally sure you should stay,that is what I was saying,Your brackets alone say you have doubts.To me you are taking too much blame on your self.
But I have been where you are and you wil make the right decision for you,no matter what others say
xx

[Guest user]

Hi Mary,

I am glad that you are happy with your decision.

I wont know whats right in my marriage until the reckoning. My OH continues to be everything he perhaps was and i didn't notice or everything he could have been. Had I not married him then I probably wouldn't have stayed, despite us having a biological child together (which is important, though not a sole reason to stay). I married my OH before I became a christian and at a time when I really didn't consider what the vows I was making meant (I was 26) but the one thing that has kept me staying more than anything else is "I made promises" that I don't intend to break (though we both have broken a few of those vows) and until I can be really sure its over I stay. I know what you mean that one day enough is enough and given our rollercoaster relationship I am not ruling up waking up and knowing that today is the last day (I am that kind of person too for whom one day you just know) but I am here, he is here, our love is very strong right now and I have hope, longer term, more deep rooted hope, than before.

I may end up back here one day in the future or very soon bemoaning my marriage or having left (we have left each other once each in the 15 years) and have egg on my face but I am prepared to take that gamble.

Having said that, I cant see me ever getting married again, not committing so much of myself/my life/my soul to one person as I don't think I have the emotional stamina needed, but I am still fighting for this one.

We are all unique and the one thing I have learnt during my marriage is never to judge another relationship - you aren't in it.

Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, I know you are not attacking me or anyone else, your comments are valid and I believe right for you and some, just not for me right now.

xxx

[Guest user]

I divorced 4 years ago after 21 years,but could have 10 years earlier,again believing things would change.I also made all the excuses possible in hope,but there came a day when enough was enough.I do think we as women make the old excuse that"pardon the pun" i will keep him if I have a baby.Can I dare say that this is the same parody.Truth will out, and we always return to our true selves.I would say no matter how it hurts move on!!

[Guest user]

Hi Irene,

I posted on the other thread re you and your OH.

What can I say? If someone had told me the things we would go through as a married couple or do to each other I would have run away screaming. Communication (or lack of it) or sometimes worse, misunderstanding of communication has always been our problem. When things have been bad and communication terrible for a long time (usually because one of us is bottling something up) I find that I can't hear anything he says without thinking he's having a go, uncaring etc and I think he feels the same too - always thinks the worst of me. He cant hear my words or feelings for his pre-conception of what I am thinking or saying and vice versa.

When all the s**t is taken away and its just me and him then we always get on great - I know some people who would dread being on a desert island with their OH for fear of nothing to say or do but thats not the case, its how we respond to stuff life throws at us, be it his job, my job, the kids (he is step dad to 2 of them but been there since they were 15 months and 5),that causes us the most grief. We always hurt each other.

Sometimes I think there is too much hurt with one thing piling on after the next for us to ever have enough time in between to forgive.

I still remain optimistic that we will be stronger because of this BC, strange when so many things have nearly pulled us apart, but the threat of the death of one of you brings things into perspective - I just hope it remains because once I have got through the treatment I want to LIVE not exist.

I will be careful, I promise, same to you Irene, take care of yourself. If you ever want to chat then I'd happily share emails or PMs or chats on here, xxxxx

[Guest user]

Thankyou ang31a.

Ostrich, what can I say? I absolutely know why you have forgiven him and still stay. My OH has never hit me, but I have hit him in my moments of hysteria (twice). Never more than a shove mind. My problems are usually mental, I would say at times this has been mental cruilty not too different from getting a smack in my mind, as it can eat away at you and this may have contributed to the stress/illness scenario.

My OH and I are going to give it another go. We had a heart to heart last week and though horrendous at the time, we both managed to get things off our chest. It seems I have become very hard since BC, and I have. We are both making an effort to communicate, though this has always been more a problem of his.

I did manage to tell him that on a bad day, the spectre of death hangs over me, and him being an arse on that day just adds fuel to the fire and I hate him at those times. The thing is, I have had loads of support to help me get over this and he has had none. That is his choice mind. And he wasn't easy to live with before BC either, but BC has made me so much less tolerant of his silly moods. I now intend to 'make' him tell me why he is a mood and not just ignore it (the easy option) then the problem escalates. He has agreed he will respond when I speak to him at all times (he ignores his mum as well as me) so it's a family trait, it staggers me how disrespectful this is but we had very different upbringing. I came from a very happy demonstrative home with talk and cuddles always, him and his siblings dragged themselves up. But she is still his mum and I am still his wife and we both deserve respect.

He definately has self esteem issues too (again childhood). He would definately benefit from some counselling but he is unlikely to have any.

I wish you the very best of luck. I am not going to say you are mad for staying, but I will say, please be very careful, will you promise me that? Have you two ever considered counselling?

Take care

Love Irene

[Guest user]

Ostrich so sorry to hear of your dilemma. Weigh up the pros and cons and just do the right thing for you. You deserve that. This bloody disease is more than enough to handle without having other problems weighing you down. Lots of love Ostrich good luck for your future. Angela xx

Irene - hope you are as well as you can be and feeling positive. I am thinking about you. Angela xx

[Guest user]

wish you so much love and luck go for it girl

[Guest user]

Thanks Maureen for not calling me crazy for staying.

My hubby is so like that. He can be nice (not usually as nice as he has been since my dx) and then a total sh*t (I wont even go there with the sh**y things he has done) so that I detest him. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin and that couldn't be truer of my relationship with him. No-one can make me as angry and sad and hurt and hate filled and yet when he's nice I love him so much, our life together, look forward to getting old with him etc. That's probably why I've spent the last 15 years alternating between wanting to leave and wanting to stay. Think the BC will be a heightened/compressed version of our relationship todate so goodness knows what we'll be if we make it through!

Why is life never simple?

xx

[GrannyScouse]

Oh, ostrich, you poor lady! What a dilemma for you. Your husband sounds lovely, except for the part when he was nagging you about the airing cupboard and then followed you upstairs and hit you!! He sounds to have been very supportive all along. I'm not a counsellor so won't even try to counsel you, but I just want to say that he should not have nagged you and he certainly should not have hit you. Absolutely no excuse for that. He'll know that you have very little stamina and perhaps he should be reminded of that, as well as being reminded how grateful you are for everything he's done, and is doing, for you. Is grateful the right word? I don't think it is but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Good luck to you, and good luck to us all.
Maureen xx

[Guest user]

Hi Irene,

Its a shame your OH wont consider counselling, particularly as he said that there are two of you suffering because of BC so it shows he has stuff going on but if he wont deal with it then you can hardly deal with it for him when you have your own stuff to deal with. This isn't easy for me to say considering I am still trying to see me and him as doing well and I know anyone reading this will say I'm mad for staying but here goes.

Me and my OH had a huge row last Saturday after he had one of his "I want to bang my chest about the state of the airing cupboard/spare bedroom etc and you will go and tidy it out and I'll nag you until you do" (like I care ever let alone right now about the airing cupboard). I refused to join in his tidy up game and he continued to nag until I lost it, picked up a chair in the conservatory and flung it out of the way in order to flounce off and tidying the f**king airing cupboard just to shut him up. He was sat on the other side of the table and felt that I had thrown the chair at him (though I would have made sure I hit him with it if I had) and came storming up the stairs after me and hit me on my bad side arm and shoulder blade!

There, I've said it and writing it down I feel just as angry as I did last week that he could do that to me let alone when I am just recovering from major surgery (just under 2 weeks at the time since my mx and recon) and I feel ashamed and embarressed that I am still with him but I am. Why? The "excuse" I have come up with this time is that this is the first blow out/up/argument/vent either one of us has had with each other since my dx and this bleeding disease is hard on him and my kids too and therefore I can forgive him but only this once.

The reason I say this, and I haven't read all your posts on the subject of your OH so I may be talking rubbish so feel free to tell me to butt out, this does affect other people than us. That being said if my OH was sticking his head in the sand, ignoring me and pretending that I was fine and everything was ok then I would probably kill him and feel totally alone and hate him for making me feel that way. At least my OH has talked (to me, to our 10 year old, our other older kids no longer at home, my mum (who is v worried having lost her OH to bowel cancer recently)), been there at every appointment, mopped up my sick and emptied my drains, bought me posh lunches, cooked tea at the end of a long working day when I am just too tired having walked around the corner as my only outing for the day.

Maybe you too can find a way to have a relationship of some sort or maybe the hurt will always be between you now.

Sorry, rambling and probably making no sense and with no relevance to your life/relationship/history. Will shut up now and await tut tuts for staying with abusive OH of my own.

[Guest user]

Hi Ostrich

Glad to hear things are still good for you two. After I wrote the last thread and had a sleepless night, I told him I was not going to return on a tue as could do without the hassle, on way out OH begged me not to go! Talk about shocked! Still no apology as he just can't see he is more at fault than me.

I have admitted my failings over the years and tried to make things work but he doesn't seem to think his behaivour has anything to do with it! I did have to admit that my expectations have changed (I am far less tolerant of his bad behaviour) and he said I hadn't accepted that there are 2 of us suffering because of this illness. I know this, but frankly, I don't think that the way to support your ill wife is to verbally bash her, do you?!

We have agreed to meet on neutral ground next week and see if we can work things through. I suggested counselling but he wont even consider it. So I am back at my flat, still no regrets, and still think we are unlikely to get fully back together, but hope we can be friends as he is a very good man, when he wants to be.

[Guest user]

Irene, just wanted to send you big hugs, I am so glad you are still looking forward and no regrets! I hope the money side of things sorts itself out, I know its been the reason many a time I have stayed as I just couldn't work out how I could afford to continue working/childcare/rent etc. Go girl! (PS my OH is continuing to be wonderful (except the beginnings of murmurrings about how I could satisfy him sexually even though I dont feel sexy 2 weeks post op and he could satisfy himself!) - I guess its because he deems we are having a major crisis (chemo on the cards) so may have to drag out being "ill" for the rest of my life so that he continues to be wonderful)! Take care of you, x

[Guest user]

Well it's Tue again so back for an overnight stay at my house. Just had yet another row and as always, it went too far on his side with him calling me mad, wild, emotional, stubborn, manipulating I could go on, it was soooo negative. (I was very calm by the way so where these comments come from I do not know!)

Never again. I wont be stopping over again, I'll just drive back to my flat. I definately did the right thing, he is not dragging me down anymore.

Jenny42, I know what you mean about the money, I'm skint and that annoys me as for years I have paid more into the house but since BC have returned part-time. Looking for extra work to help pay for my new life, he isn't making any effort to increase our income, as he says it was my decision to leaveI Not surprised at that comment,

Irene

[ForumMember]

Wish I had your courage Irene. Kept my husband at arms length throughout cos he's the kind of person everyone would feel sorry for.

Went for chemo with sister & rads on my own. He doesn't love me but says he cares!!! I need more than that.

Our Son, OH's reaction & money the main concerns.

[Guest user]

Thanks girls. Yes got moved and yes was exhausted and not stopped since, visiting kids etc. Back at my house for the night. Needed to pick up more stuff, mail etc, and I work tue, wed nr here so it saves time and petrol.

OH quite civilised and we got on ok. Nothing has changed in my mind though, I know It was the right thing to do, and will be back in my pad tomorrow.

We have a damp problem at the house and tonight I noticed even more mildew since I left, not even a week ago. Really wanted to ask him what we should do about it but was stood in the kitchen running it through my mind, working out the best way to broach the subject. Then I thought, get a grip, this is one reason why you left, all this thinking ahead to avoid rows!!

Chose not to mention it but keeping an eye on MY property, he is not going to let it deteriorate while I'm not there!

bye for now

Irene

[Guest user]

Hope you're new home is great Irene. You deserve a bit of better luck now.

Hope the move hasn't exhausted you too much (they usually do in my experience).

Chink (sound of glasses being toasted to your good health and happiness)

Angie

[chebsy13]

Good on you Irene - life is not a dress rehearsal - I really do admire you for actually making the move - so often it is easier to back down when you think of all the physical restraints and thinking - ah well let sleeping dogs lie - enjoy your new life choice and keep posting as to how it goes!

Lots of love and good vibes x

[GrannyScouse]

Well done, Irene, for finding the strength to leave. I wish you every good thing you want, need and desire. Looking forward to meeting you at the Liverpool meet in October. Is it too early to raise a glass to you, let's see, nearly 10 to 6. Yes, far too early. I'll wait 'til 6 🙂

Maureen xx

[mazaroo]

Good luck Irene l text u soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Guest user]

Hi all

Cars packed, I'm dropping off my first car load, then second load tomorrow and moving in.

May not be back on here for a few days, but wanted to thankyou all for your kind comments.

Love Irene

[Guest user]

Hi Irene
Good Luck - I know you said you might worry about him - but he is an adult and you need to think about yourself and putting yourself first - you are a good kind person - thats probably why its taken you so long to leave. It took me 13 years but it was the best thing I ever did and despite all the upset i have no regrets. If the main person in your life can't put you first with everything that you are going through then they don't deserve to be in your life. Be there for the people that are there for you.
Take Care - thinking of you
regards
Helen

[JoJo11]

Hi Irene,

Just want to wish you good luck and hope you are happy in your new home. Its exiting and sounds just right for you.

Lots of hugs

Jojoxxx

[Marge]

Irene I am excited for you too, I know you will be aprehensive about the future, but just because OH treats you badly it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. When I was dx my OH was away abroad visitinr relatives, he new bfore he went about my investigations, I had my op , my friends took me to hossie and visited, my sons all came home, for the initial few days, and OH evetually turned up 5 weeks later 😞
It was hard, but I got over it, and you will too.
Lottsa luck
Marge
xx

[Guest user]

irene you are a strong woman - be positive - things can only get better now. all the very best to you and your new future - this is the right thing to do for your own peace of mind - am thinking about you. ang x

[Guest user]

I'm glad life is looking better for you at the moment. Good luck with the move.

Marilyn x

[eileen765]

Thinking of you Irene, moving out may help you to see more clearly and then you can decide what you really want for the future love Eileen

[ForumMember]

Just want to wish you the very best of luck with your new future.

From someone who did it I can tell you it wont be easy but if its what you really want it will be worth it. I regret that the marriage failed and that i hurt some people but I have never regretted getting out and getting happy.

AJxxx

[Guest user]

Irene
I am really exited for you...and wish you the very best.

It is the start of a whole new lease on life....I hope it helps your health too.

many hugs
Emily
xxx

[Guest user]

Wendy you sound soooo lovely! and thanks to to cavabien for your concerns.

I feel quite safe telling OH. I can have the flat anytime from now so can just leave, but need to sort quite a few things out first and in work tue, wed for 2 full on days. I may wait until thurs to tell him then just go.

I am slightly concerned for him. Yes I know, I'm soft, but he is a very deep thinker and suffers depression at times. I hope he can cope. If nothing else it will make him realise just how much he depends on me.

They will have wireless at my new place soon and so can use my work laptop and keep intouch. I am now beginning to feel quite excited about my future, that can't be a bad thing.

Love Irene

[ForumMember]

Irene
Well done girl!!!!! I hope all goes well for you, in the immediate future, and long term. You will have given other folk in this situation some encouragement.......there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

to the future - yours!

al

[Guest user]

Dear Irene

I am just thinking: When you tell your husband, is it possible to have a friend there with you? Will you give him the adress of your new place?
If you have a car, is it packed so you are ready to go?

If you are not moving out tonight, will you tell him right away or wait until the flat is actually yours to stay in?

You probably gather that I am worried about your husbands reaction when you tell him. As I don't know you or your husband at all, I might be dead wrong and I apologise from the bottom of my heart if I offend you in any by way writing this.

I just know, having seen quite a few marriages break up, that some spouses can be quite unpredictable when they feel that they have lost control and I urge you to consider the best way for you to inform your husband about your decision.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Please try to find a way to tell us how you are getting on.

Thinking about you.

cava xxxx

[Guest user]

Irene,
good on you .Its enough having to cope with BC butto have to put up with all that sh.t too is dreadful. I admire you love for having the strength to move on with your life.I am not in your situation but who knows could be at some time. OH is coping at the moment but is finding it difficult. Ihope this is a new start for you and i wish you all the best in your future darling .Be happy and healthy . Big hugs wendyxxxx

[Guest user]

It isn't a case of strong. Everything came together at the right time. I had viewed the flat months ago but the person who had it ended up staying longer. I phoned on the off chance and he had just left! Spooky. I really like the owner, she's been through similar herself and is a really good person.

I have lots of good friends and family, but the flat is in a large house where I am welcome on a communial basis too if I want to watch tv, chat or eat with the others. It's a bit like a half way house and just what I need because I won't be totally alone.

Just need to tell OH. He's been at work all day and at our dauhters for the night so you all know before him.

[mazaroo]

Irene cant believe you have done it !!!!! well done you ...if only others could be as strong !!!
Maz

[Guest user]

Dear Irene.

Sorry to hear that you are going to such a rough time. Hopefully things will be better when you move into your flat and I hope it will be a haven for you.

Good luck.

Love, cava

[Guest user]

Good luck Irene.

Ruth

[Marge]

Irene I am so pleased you have found a flat, the peace of mind will be great for you, it may be a struggle girl, but I am sure you wont regret it. I wish you all the best and will say a prayer for you. I will look out for post's to see how you are getting along.

Good health and good luck

(((HUGS)))

Marge
xx

[aroma]

hi irene ,just wanted to send you hugs and glad you have found yourself aplace to stay, living in a war zone is never good for your health .my own ex was really awful to me when i was diognosed and decided that he hadnt banked on marrying someone who may die!! (it was his 3rd marraige )and a late 2nd one for me .so i got myself and my daughter a flat to stay in and ive never looked back .he decided when all the treatment was finished that he wanted to help me ,you can imagine what my reply was to that !!!(cant put it on here )!!! although things havnt been easy ,we are still here and enjoying our life without the hastle of arguements etc .wish you good luck in your future ,ps the library give free internet access to all ,maybe an option till you get up and started . much love lynn xx

[Guest user]

Thanks Dot, I'm sure you're right! Did have a look at the money savers site and will look again later. Not sure how much internet access I will have in my new place as money will be very tight to begin with, but hope to be able to come on here occasionally, it's been such a good help.

[dotchas]

Good news Irene!

This is the start of your new life!

Its scary but you got through BC and can do this too.We are here for you and hope to hear your progress in your new life.

Do take a peek at moneysavingexpert for money saving tips etc,

Hugs
Dot
xx

[Guest user]

Just got off the phone, have a flat, I'm moving out. What a massive relief, just the money to worry about now, need to sell our house asap.

Thanks for listening, I couldn't burden family with this one until it was sorted.

Irene

[dotchas]

Irene,

Please don't blame yourself for the lack of a sex life,as you say how could anyone want to be intimate with someone who treats them badly.That puts the blame at his door not yours!
If its financial worries that are the biggest hurdle to leaving/splitting up ,try looking at the moneysavingexpert forums ,they are full on information about finances and benefits etc.
You need to put yourself first,you deserve better!
Hugs,
Dot
xxx

[Guest user]

Thanks you for your responses. Emily Jane, I've been trading off as you put it for nearly 2 years and it seems it's always me that has to change. He carries on the same, and I have to 'plan' how to approach him about absolutly anything. The exception to this is when his brother visits, he is usually happy then but that is not very often as they don't live local. And this has added to my assumption that I can't make him happy anyway so why is he still here.

I think our lack of a reasonable sex life doesn't help and that is purely down to me I know that. But I have absolutely no sex drive and severe menopausal symptons, dryness etc, plus no boob so hate how I look.

I just feel he should be more understanding about this as I really can't help it. I didn't plan to get BC, loose my looks and have no sex drive. Plus, even if none of these things had happened, I would not fancy him now anyway as he is so horrible most of the time, how can anyone fancy a person like him?

Our house is tiny, we don't even have a spare room as such as it is used as an office with a pull down bed and all the furniture needs moving around to pull that out. So living in the same house but independently wont work. (His Mum and Dad did that for years and when I saw are marriage going the same way as theirs I always said I would NEVER do that). Mind you, what choice have I got?

It makes me so sad to think that it is only him that makes me feel like this. I even thought I had beaten BC, as recently my 'head' has been good and physically better, but he makes me need to have a drink or two, and I had more or less given up alcohol, now I am turning to it again to ease the stress.

Sorry I am rambling now. Need to make some calls and get this sorted.

[ForumMember]

Hi Irene - I know exactly how you feel. I left my OH 14 months prior to diagnosis and then he said he wanted to look after me. Which he did but going back to the old ways. Trouble with the kids and I just wonder what the hell am I doing here when you hear people say in our situation live for day. But how can you. I loved being on my own but there is no way I could do it financially. I run up a lot of debts when I was on my own and still have them. I am taking each day as it comes but wouldn't leave again. I think we would have to sell up and move on.

I wish I could live like I would wish but not allowed. Bit depressed tonight - a lot of aggro these last few weeks and feel is there any use in carrying on xxx

[Guest user]

Irene -
I'm so sorry to learn that things are not going well for you and OH. At this point, there is so much to consider. Health insurance, rent, food, car insurance, cars, all the day-to-day things that we do without thinking. How would you survive all that? It might be best for your psychologically to move out since it is so hurtful to you {{{{{{{Irene}}}}}}}}} but it might do to think through exactly how you would cope otherwise. It could be a tradeoff. It is not the best solution, but can you stay in separate parts of the house? Do you think you could work it like Marge in leading a separate lifestyle, apart from his, until you are financially ready to move out?

I know from your posts that this has been developing, yet, don't hurt yourself and jump from one situation to another.

Many hugs and prayers too
Emily
xxx

[Marge]

Irene, I am so sorry to read of your situation, we have both been on this website a long time, and I have followed lots of your posts. could you perhaps get in touch with Macmillan and see if they may be able to offer you some financial help if you decide to moev out. I can understand how stressful it would be for you, start looking at your options. I had lots of OH problems on diagnosis, and I cant forgive him for what he did at the time, but I have learned to live a seperate lifestyle and enjoy myself .
Thinking of you, and praying you find a solution son

Hugs
Marge
xx

[Guest user]

I am feeling so low at present and I know the cause, and I know the solution but I just can't make the final leap.

I NEED to live alone. I need to be away from my OH who is behaving so badly towards me, our relationship is damaging, and I am so affraid that the stress from this will make my BC return.

He is just so selfish and a nightmare to live with. He drinks heavy, has mood swings and is barely here. When he is he is often asleep.

I have to think before I speak, considering exactly how I phrase even matter of fact comments, he is so touchy, it's like treading on glass.

That's no way to live is it? But the alternative is pretty scary too. Not the living alone, but the financial problems at least initially until we sold our house and split the proceeds. One of us would have to rent, and we have no spare cash.

I don't know what anyone on here can do or suggest, but needed to off load a bit as have this big knot in my stomach and know I wont' sleep tonight.

I told him, not for the first time, that I wanted him to leave. He said he won't, see, selfish. He obviously can't stand me, he hasn't touched me for weeks (imagine how that helps my self esteem). We live nr my work and it makes sense for him to move nearer his but he wont even consider it.

I am very close to going myself but just can't afford it.

Irene