This is my first time ever talking on- line. I don’t even know if I’m in the right category but I really need to understand how I should be feeling. My husband has not looked at my mastectomy scar. Also we have not made love in 16 weeks , the day before my surgery. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about it and all he said was that it was scary for him. I need some advice I want to be understanding but I cant help but think if he cant face this its probably time for divorce. someone please help me to understand his thinking. I’m so upset and I have never felt so alone in my life.
Honey dont panic you are still very vulnerable and he isnt helping but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you.He doesnt have to look at the scar to know it is there.making love could be a prob because he is afraid of hurting you.He is also hurting FOR you.How about a few gentle cuddles lots of talking and no mention of divorce.Hang on to each other this will pass and all will be well.16wks really isnt long you must both be in shock.lol horace
Have just read your post. I am sure that both you and your husband’s emotions are all over the place just now. As Horace says it is probably fear of hurting you and also hurting for you.
If it is any help, there are two booklets on the Breast Cancer Care website which you can order or print off in PDF. You can also read them on screen.
In it Together – for partners of people with breast cancer.
Sexuality, Intimacy and Breast Cancer is the other one.
I hope this is some help to you and please give both yourself and your husband time to come to terms with and understand what you are both going through. It is a long and emotional journey.
Lots of love
Thistle
Hi kavasqu
I have given here the links to the two publications which Thistle mentions, I do hope you find them useful:
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/inittogether_web_0.pdf
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/bcc_sexuality_0.pdf
Kind regards
Katie
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Hi Kavasqu
I can appreciate how you feel, as my partner of now 11 years could not look at my scar for over a year. He has also during this time made quite hurtful remarks, called me a freak amongst other things, but when I have challenged him, said it was meant as a joke. I have very close family and friends, one friend in particular who has made me feel beautfiul again, without any intimate relationship, yet Iknow if we were to pursue this he,unlike my partner would not see me as ugly when addressed. Having c. made me a much stronger person, and I feel even if we part Iwill never be alone because ofmy friends and family.
Sue
I found it very difficult to look at my wife’s scar at first. I am sure tht if I had to I would have coped, but it was dressed by a neighbour and my wife coped well with the situation.
I am not normally very good with wounds in any case, for example I recently burnt my thumb quite badly and did my best not to look at the damage until after the skin grafts had partly healed.
I first looked at my wife’s scar properly when she had her stiches out. She had asked me to accompany her, as I did every visit, but this was the first “surgical proceedure” I had witnessed. (It was carried out by a nurse who had an uncanny likeness to Mimi la Bonk from 'Ello - 'Ello.)
I was also afraid to touch the scar once it had healed. Please remember that we men have little real concept of breasts, how tender they are normally or after some trauma, how sensitive they are to stimulation, what any stimulation really feels like and whether it is welcome for itself or part of an overall stimulation experience.
Also my wife was a little reluctant to bare that area as much as previously.
Though I loved her as much as I ever did I was aware that it was a huge change to the way she saw herself, and so I waited for clues to the behaviour she expected of me.
My wife had a mastectomy and uses a prosthsis, and has done for 15 years. If you have had reconstruction then my comments may need to be interpreted in that light.
Have you asked your husband to talk to a partner volunteer, who may be able to help.
All the best
Steve
Wow Steve - what a very compassionate guy you are. I am sure we would all welcome further caring insights into bc from the male point of view. How does it go? Men are from Venus, women from Mars? Not sure I got that right.
Kavascu - I know how you are feeling - our sexual relationship stopped some 16 years when I had Leishmaniasis,(Spanish sandfly disease in animals) caught from an elderly cocker spaniel someone had abandoned outside our villa in Spain where we lived then. I had a horrid, green, smelly discharge, even after a shower, and it put my husband off sex for ever. We have never really been able to talk about the problem, even after all these years. But, we are still together, have lots of cuddles and express in words our love to each other every day. He was brilliant during the 11 months of bc treatment, so please give your relationship time - it is a huge shock to both of you to get a dx of cancer. I do think women are much better at voicing their emotions, men are still in the dark ages usually, in that area; the “hunter gatherer” syndrome.
Just give the situation a little time for you both to adjust.
Take care,
Liz.