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impact of our conditions on our OH's

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Just reading all your posts is heartbreaking but so familiar. I am sad moire for my husband and son than for myself. I hate what this is putting them through and I feel so guilty!  I actually hope my husband does find someone else after I'm gone -  even if I make it 10 years yet he will be too young to spend the rest of his life on his own - haven't been able to bring myself to tell him this yet though as he just wants us to be normal for as long as we can. I know he bottles things up but there never seems to be a good time.   Hugs to all of you xxxxx

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

My 14 year old son has muscular dystrophy. He knows I have cancer, but not the prognosis. He is very dependent as you can imagine and takes a lot of looking after. I just can't imagine my dh coping, no I know he will but it will be very difficult on his own. Oh there is no point dwelling on it, I hope I have a few more years to help them plan for the future.
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

It is Bev.. unbearable, heart breaking, cruel, and so so painful at times. xxxxx

 

 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Just read all of your posts ladies, its so hard knowing we'll  be leaving our beautiful cherished partners and children. Thats what i can't  cope with. How can you not feel sad ....desolate..thinking of it? Like all of you I'm  not ready to go yet... whenever that may be. I  want to stay forever for my children, how will they be at the end? Its unbearable xxxxx

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Quite right too!! Smiley Happy

 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Lol,Mowser,I've already told OH I'll haunt him if he remarries as I'm not having any other woman in my house ! Xxx
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Hahahaha,

 

I have already told my son and OH that if I am able to, I will definitely haunt them, but in a good way!!

 

Like unravelling the toilet paper when they are on the loo, or pulling back the bed covers if the OH finds another woman after me!! That'll teach her!! Smiley Happy  Smiley Wink

 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Morning Ladies

Helen you and your husband are very like me and mine. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his second girlfriend. We have been together for 40 years (I was still in nappies when we met) and married 37 years this year so leaving him on his own is the worse thing with all this c**p going on.I am not scared of dying I've got my head round that it's those that I leave behind that bother me.I do tell them I shall be back to haunt them if they don't behave though! I'll just be another of the spooks that inhabit the cottage we live in! No more negative thoughts now positive all the way. Vickyxx 

Helen just read on another thread how poorly you have been glad to hear you are feeling better.

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Ladies,I agree with you all. It must be very hard for our OH to cope with. I am much more fly off the handle at any little thing with mine much more than I ever was. I think a lot of it is fear that I know I'll be leaving him on his own. He was my first boy friend and I was his first girl friend and we have been together since I was 16. He tends to bury his head in the sand and say you'll be okay,people live for years with SBC .I keep telling him I've got TN and very aggressive cancer and not many treatments but I don't think he want to comprehend that bit. He does bottle things up and keeps his emotions well hidden.
I do think there is a total lake of support for us with SBC never mind support for our families.
Huge to all,Helen xxxxxx
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Morning ladies, i am very lucky my oh is wonderful and has got me through some the darkest days of my life, not just the cancer related ones.
I call him my hero :-) he is soo positive and supportive, but i do feel sad for him having to put up with this crap, this forum has been a lifeline for me because instead of venting my anger, worries and concerns on him i now do it on here to you lovely ladies who understand how i feel and it takes the pressure off him.
The tears i shed are for him and my Son and Daughter and the pain they will have when they see me "really poorly" and when i lose this battle.
take care ladies hugs J x x x
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Hi spudlab

 

Please do give our helpline team a ring and have a chat with them about how you are feeling, they're here to support you through this.  Calls are free, 0808 800 6000 lines open at 9am today through to 5pm (weekdays) and 10-2 Saturdays.

 

You might also find it helpful to join in with Secondary Live Chat which runs each Tuesday evening between 8.30pm and 9.30pm I will put you the link below.  If you want to join in Live Chat tonight and you haven't as yet registered, mark your email to moderator as 'urgent - secondary live chat' and we will do our best to register you today.

 

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-services/someone-talk/live-chat?utm_source=Homepage...

 

Take care

Jo, Moderator

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

I don't have a nurse. I have emailed the one I saw immediately post diagnosis in October 2013 but no one has been near or been in touch.
I love my husband dearly and sometimes think it would be best if I gave up and then he could get on without me
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Morning ladies i'm also sending hugs to all of you out there who are strugglingat the moment. Stillhere you  and your other half work the same way as me and mine and it works for us to. I don't know if any of you get any support from your local hospice but my local one has been very good. I was referred by the chemo unit but initially thought whoa that all sounds a bit final but I had a lovely specialist nurse visit me at home and he answered any questions I asked. I constantly get invites to go to the hospice for support groups for me and my other half also for pamper days, craft days, all sorts. At the moment we don't feel the need to go to a support group but by the sounds of it some of the OHs might find it a help to talk to someone outside the family. It is so difficult for the men in our lives especially if like mine they don't like talking about such things. Thinking of you all xxx 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Thankyou Stillhere. A great mantra
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

To everyone on this thread, ((((Massive Hugs))))). My OH is incredible as he is the most positive person on the planet and makes me feel that I'll go on forever. I just go along with it because he makes me feel good about myself, which is great. Stephen Hawkins said " where there is life, there is hope" which is my mantra now. I don't allow myself to think about the future, only the next 2 months til my next appointment. Yes, we are burying our heads in the sand but it works for us!! Xxxx
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Oh cw17, I am so sorry. It does put a terrible strain on everything doesn't it.

 

At one point during our argument yesterday he said, I cant take much more of this, I am this close, so I screamed, well just leave me to die alone then. When he asks what wrong-sometimes I too spit out what do you think is wrong, Im tired,  I am in pain, Im tired, I have cancer.

 

It's all soooo boring, even to me, so God knows how he can put up with it. Don't get me wrong, I am doing great by all accounts, but it is the constant COPING we have to do. I am sick of COPING with this. It's exhausting. And the majority of my family and friends just don't see any of the hard stuff, because we protect them, and present our best possible selves all the time, try to stay upbeat and leave the c--p for when we are on our own, or just with the OH. 

 

Its awful. I can't go back to being who I was, to my old life (I used to be the life and soul, so much fun, always upbeat, happy, optimistic) but I have changed-this awful disease is changing me, in ways I don't particularly like.

 

And then inside, is the vulnerable ball of the old true me, who is dying inside with emotional pain at the thought of leaving my autistic daughter to cope in the world without me. As you say, I am not crying for me, I am crying for her. I havent told her anything yet because I cant cope with her knowing, and seeing the pure terror on her face at the thought of her mum leaving her-I am a single parent-her dad sees very very little of her and she has no relationship with him to speak of.  

 

Its one day at a time for sure. But I do get so much support from this forum, and from all of you. Its comforting to know others get how hard this is, even though I wish you, like me, didnt have to deal with it at all.

 

Lots of love and hugs,

 

Mowser xxxx 

 

 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Just want to echo evrything thats been said on this thread.Mowser, i so relate to everything you said. We have also got to 'breaking point'...a few days ago my husband said we should split up. The next day he asked if i was alright and i exploded..'i have incurable cancer so no i'm not alright'. he looked shocked and said 'have you had a letter'. Seems that when i was finally diagnosed in July with SBC he didnt listen to the bit about being incurable (or chose not to). Like one lady said (sorry cant see your name as i type and my chemo brain remembers nothing)  the tears i cry are for him and my daughter..it breaks my heart everytime i think of her having to deal with this, which is constantly.

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Hi all

 

After reading this new thread, which I think will get a lot of response, I have put for you below the link to BCC's publication 'In it together' it's aimed a partners to help them through as well as yourselves.  I hope you all find it helpful.

 

 http://www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/diagnosed-breast-cancer/it-together-partners-people...

 

Here's also the link to the area of this website where this topic is also discussed:

 

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-information/impact-breast-cancer/relationships-fami...

 

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

 

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

It's a terrible position for all our family but especially OHs as they have to live with us through our highs and lows. I'm upset now just reading the posts as it makes me so sad about all they go through too without knowing how to help us. My husband is definitely my rock and it is him and my daughter that I shed tears for, not me.
LD x
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

It's difficult isn't it? I feel so guilty sometimes as my family have been living with this for 12 years now. They assure me that they want me here for much longer and I should never feel guilty but I feel very sad about it.
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Spudlab, the very best of luck with your reconstruction-and it will be lovely for you to see your old man again, and get a lot of hugs and cuddles...

 

Mowser xx

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

It is incredibly difficult for everyone around us. I think it is easier for us because it is actually happening to us.
My husband works 4500 miles away and I definitely feel like I can't moan to him as he can't do anything about it. He is really irritated that I got breast cancer and that lots of things have changed and that the treatment has caused other problems. I found out that my hearing has dropped even more over the last 3 months to the point that I had a mould taken for an in ear hearing aid yesterday.
I went to a couple of counselling sessions as I felt I wanted someone to be able to shout/rant at sometimes. It wasn't helpful for me at all.
My husband gets cross that I am too up beat about things but then doesn't really like it if I moan.
He is coming home soon for a few weeks to support me through my reconstruction surgery. I am looking forward to seeing him again
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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Yes thats all we can do Desi-2, but it is hard.

 

My ex husband could not cope with my primary diagnosis 14 years ago, and it pretty much put the final nail in the coffin as far as our marriage was concerned-I felt so alone.

 

At least i have a good one now, despite the challenges-and it true our OH's do find it difficult to really understand what we are going through and the depth of the emotions we have to deal with.

 

I just sent mine a text to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him!

 

Mowser xx

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Re: impact of our conditions on our OH's

Hi Mowser from talking to other ladies and my own experience this awful situation we're in affects even the strongest and long term relationships. Some other halfs step up and are our our rocks others unfortunately cannot cope. It sounds like yours is a good one but maybe things have just reached a piont where some emotions blew. I personally have had some awfull periods with my oh and I know I'm not the only one. He's been a lot more supportive recently and hopefully his will continue, I said to him yesterday it feels sometimes like I have forgotten to smile...it can't be easy for them but by the same token sometimes they can't seem to put themselves in our shoes to understand the emotions we have to deal with. No easy answer I guess we just carry on the best we can xxxx
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impact of our conditions on our OH's

I wonder if this has been discussed before in a previous thread, but this is a whole new topic all on its own.

 

I am finding that my diagnosis is really beginning to impact my relationship with my lovely man. He is so, so patient with me, and I try really hard not to moan too much about how fed up I am, about being in pain, feeling like **bleep**, feeling sick, being constipated, feeling tired, it goes on and on. I can't imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of this if you live with it 24/7. He does so much for me, never complains and is a complete rock, but I think it is bound to affect you after a while. I have gone off physical intimacy, not because I have stopped loving him, but because I just don't have the energy, am often in pain and not in the right head space-this must make him feel sad and rejected. That makes me sad too. Smiley Sad

 

Tension definitely builds up, things are left unsaid, he doesnt feel he has anyone he can really talk to about how he feels, so he 'bottles it' as he says. Yesterday, it culminated in a small tiff coming away from the car showroom (we had been looking at a new car for my Motability Award), to a full blown massive screaming match in the car.

 

He was threatening to jump out at one point as the car was moving, and we both said things to each other that we both immediately regretted. In the end, I threatened to drive the car off the road I was so angry, that I stopped the car in the middle of the road and told him to get out and walk. Horrible,  horrible, horrible. He is as angry as I am about what is happening to me, he says he wants the 'old me' back (so do I). We just feel trapped in what feels like a bad never ending dream, albeit one we are trying to deal with as best we can..

 

We made up as soon as I got home and we both cried and apologised, but it left me feeling really sad and down. How are you all coping with the relationship side of things? 

 

Mowser xxx