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is it all bad news??

13 REPLIES 13

Re: is it all bad news??

Hi Dee

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It sounds slightly similar to me. I t am 40 and was diagnosed last July with what they thought was grade 1 IDC. Had wle and snb - to find they did not get clear margins on the DCIS and that the IDC was infact grade 3 - recommended further wle and if that did not work mastectomy. I opted for mastectomy with immediate LD reconsrtuction - when my results came back I had 12/29 nodes affected and they found another 1mm grade 3 IDC not seen on scans.
I then had chemo and rads and am now on tamoxifen. (finished rads may 9th).
It is extremely scary- especially with the lymph node involvement - but we are offered the most upto date care. Stats are stats - and some people will fall oneside and some the other - I intend to be around for long time yet as my kids are only 6 and 4.
All the treatment is doable - even the chemo - I can honestly say I had more good days then bad, and actually got more fed up when on the rads. The daily trips drove me to distraction. (I had a 2 hour round trip - without waiting for treatment!).
I have decided to enjoy life to the full and make the most of each day - as to be honest none of us know what is round the corner. For me this has been a huge wake up call.
My friends, colleagues and this site have been fantastic and without them all I do not know what I woould of done - so use this site.

Please take care and a huge cyber hug

Love

Anne x

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Re: is it all bad news??

Dee

I know how you are feeling you don't know where to turn or how to feel or what to think..

but you will get there, you will find your own path to follow and how you deal with this...

thinking off you

sal x

Re: is it all bad news??

Dee - You keep holding tight to that husband of yours, so glad you have a good man at your side to deal with the practicalities of appointments etc. We all need someone to prop us up and propel us about (let alone to love us!). Once you get home from the bone scan hope you can have a peaceful evening, even spoil yourself a bit, and that you get a better night tonight. Sometimes you think the tears will never stop, but they do. Keep writing here Dee, we are all here for you. (Hope your OH has some good support as well, although he is being wonderfully practical and your rock, he must be worried sick about you, and somewhere along the line he'll need to let it all out as well). Love and the biggest of hugs. Sarah xx

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Re: is it all bad news??

Hello everyone.

Well I've got to start by saying saying a massive thank you to all of you who took time out to post a reply to my moaning and sorry-for-myself state. All of you have said something that has helped me a little. I went to bed and didn't get much sleep but held on tight to hubby all night and somehow got through to the morning.
I have already been to the hospital and had the injection, got to go back at 2.30 for the bone scan 😞
I still feel in a daze, near collapse to be honest but somehow I'm still just about functioning. They also told me my CT scan is booked for this Friday. I don't know where I'd be without O.H who drags me around to where I'm meant to go.
Anyway, I'm crying again so better go for a while.
Thank you all again for spending time on me
Luv n hugs to you all
Dee
xxx

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Re: is it all bad news??

Hi Dee
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, it is terrible. If you feel suicidal please do talk to the Samaritans, they are very understanding and do not need to know about BC.

At first it is all too much to take in and you have been through such a lot in such a short time. I myself have felt like I was not able to cope on many occasions, but somehow, with support, you do and you will have days when you feel better.

I know it is all too frightening and too sudden and too much to handle, but there are many women on these forums who have had a poor prognosis many years ago and who are still contributing to the forums today.

You must give yourself the space to come to terms with this terrible thing that has happened to you, it is like a bereavement which overwhelms you and especially in your case with having already had two ops and now facing another.

Always be aware that there is a lot of support on these forums. I would go so far as to say that these forums have saved my sanity and without them I do not know where I would be.

There is another website of forums for women with BC, just Google bcpals, I have found this site very helpful as well and your posts can only be read by other members, who must have or had BC, so you can express yourself freely without any concern that someone you know will read your thoughts or feelings.

I hope you feel better soon, you will be in my thoughts and please keep posting so we know how you are feeling and getting on.

thinking of you
best wishes
Dawne

Re: is it all bad news??

Dee,
I am so sorry to hear that you have taken another hit when you least needed it. It might help you to hold on to the fact that they have worked out a plan of action for you and they are not leaving you waiting about. The surgery will take all the cancer they found out, but the mastectomy is something in addition which I think you must take some time to come to terms with. You have had a lot dropped on you in one go and it is the shock of it all as well. I hope this will soon lessen so you can come back fighting and we will soon hear you more able to cope a bit better. Any extra tests are a scare to all of us ( I get in a terrible panic about results) because we get suspicious that they know something we don't but a lot of them are to rule out things, routine for the oncologist or so they can make better decisions. Everyone under my onc gets sent for bone and cat scans, yours might be the same. We are all here for you and will remain so.
Hugs
Lily x

Re: is it all bad news??

Dearest Dee

Not sure if you are still up now, or perhaps you are trying to get some sleep. Please be very, very gentle with yourself and if what you need to do just now is cry and cry and howl then just let it all out. You have been through the very worst of times - to have already had two surgeries, and now to have to go back for a mastectomy is just horrible for you. No wonder that you feel that your life is running out of control and that you just can't take any more. But please don't feel that you are "cracking up" or "not coping" or anything else, what you are doing is reacting completely normally to a totally traumatic ghastly situation. If you can Dee, just take everything a tiny bit at a time, sometimes that can mean just managing to get through the next hour, and then the next comes and the next, and somehow you will get through this, I promise. Hopefully you have some friends of family around you and your husband who can be there for you, they don't have to understand about breast cancer, just support and love you while you are feeling at your lowest. Please do see your breast cancer nurse, and just say to her, I just want to come and cry - that is totally OK, and beyond the tears, there is the treatment and you will be able to go through it.

Dee, guess what I am trying to say is that you are totally traumatised at the moment, just trying to come to terms with what has just happened and what you have been through, and then something else to face, it must feel as though you can't catch up and you can't catch your breath. But you will Dee, you will get through this horrible, horrible time. We are all here for you, so are BCC, and the doctors and nurses who are looking after you, and your friends and family. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this, but there will be brighter days ahead. Take a tiny, weeny step at a time - with love and hugs and please keep writing. Sarah xx

Re: is it all bad news??

Hi Dee

So sorry you feel so bad, I felt exactly the same and had similar thoughts but honestly it does on days get easier to deal with and some days live seems good and normal it just takes time and try to deal with each bit as it comes rather than look at the bigger picture, as you have scans coming up I hope you get some good news.
Lisa
x

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Re: is it all bad news??

I know what you mean about the "look"

I've had a modified radical M and 6 out of 15 nodes are pos so I get the whole package starting tommorrow
Don't know if this is helpful but I've (sofar) escaped from the overwhelming panic, nightmare you won't wake up from mode (it is so awful)
by just focusing on fighting my fear,,,nothing else...medics take care of that bit,that may sound crazy but I had to get my head in order to survive.fighting the fear involved... you know the I don't have to not be scared just looking/acting not scared will do for a start.
I don't go into the whys, what if's etc etc just today will do,one day at a time
I listen to stories and plays on my mp3 player when my mind wants to go negative
It's the only thing it seems that I have a control over (haha)
I so want to see my kids (5 &7) grow up but that isn't in my control, I can only try and face everything as cheerfully as possible as that then if it gets me at least they'll have some good memories
A very black sense of humour helps here as does the fact that if you appear even a little positive, it rebounds back to you and has a knock on effect
Don't know if that helps...everyone is different, just choose life
lots of hugs

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Re: is it all bad news??

Dee, I understand how hopeless it all seems just now - I've had the mastectomy and positive lymph nodes removed am early on in the chemo programme and radiotherapy will follow. When first diagnosed my immediate reaction was oh no, they're not messing around with me, nature can take its course, the end can't justify the means. I'm 51, kids 16, 19 and 21, and separated, though my ex is still my best friend. My op was on our 20th anniversary, not how I'd ever envisaged spending it.

But we are lucky, truly lucky to be living somewhere we have options. I suppose my family turned me around - their bewilderment that I could even think of declining the treatment that could save my life, could buy me more time. They're not little children, of course, and I can't begin to imagine how the dx feels to someone with a young family, but I slowly realised their pain and fear was something I had to address. With help from my very patient surgeons, I was still terrified, and very hostile, but made the decision to take everything science had to offer me. I'm scarred, fatter, off work... alive.

Since my dx a very dear colleague, younger than I am, has had a brain tumour, and he has been given 9 months to live. I can expect to get better, and only hope that I won't have secondaries to contend with, at least not for a long time. Please, dear Dee, talk and cry and talk, the Samaritans will listen, don't think they have to wear the BC badge as the qualification to understand your awful distress.

Because you ARE worth it.

Lyn xxxxx

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Re: is it all bad news??

Hello Dawn,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's much appreciated that you made the effort for me. To be honest I don't think crying at anyone is going to make me feel better. I feel that everytime I try to pick myself up, something to do with this BC knocks me back down again. I'm emotionally exhausted. I just don't know where or how I'm meant to find the strength to keep going through this. Everything aches from either being operated on or crying! If this is still in the 'early days' stage, god knows what kind of fruite-case I'll end up being...........although insanity seems somewhat appealing compared to where I am.
Take care & thanks again Dawn
Dee
xxx

Jo, Thank you for the suggestion but as I'm feeling depressed 'out of hours' the helpline is not available now and I don't want to talk to the Samaritans, the person at the end of the phone most probably wont have BC themselves so wont understand how I'm feeling.

Re: is it all bad news??

Hi Dee,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment with what you are having to deal with. I can only reiterate what Dawn says please do give the BCC helpline a call, the staff here will be only too willing to listen and help you. The helpline is open in the morning at 9.00 a.m. the number: 0808 800 6000.

If you feel you really need to talk to someone tonight then you can always phone the Samaritans. The Samaritans provides confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress. They are there for you if you're worried about something, feel upset or confused, or you just want to talk to someone, telephone 0845 790 9090 http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

Take care,

Jo, Facilitator

Re: is it all bad news??

Dee I understand so well what you are saying and for you to have all this happening so fast is very hard to cope with. When I was first diagnosed I remember saying to my husband I wanted the bedroom all redecorated cos if that was where I was spending the rest of my days I wanted it to look good!! That was 18 years ago and I never got to spend a whole day in bed all that time. My prognosis wasnt particularly good - and I never wanted to know it in detail. In these early days these thoughts are quite understandable but you will get your head round it and things will get easier with time. You do need to be gentle and patient with yourself. Why not give the BC nurse or the helpline here a call - if all you want to do is cry down they phone I am sure they will listen - but until you try it you never know. Perhaps even come back and tell us if it helped you.

love
Dawn
xxx

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is it all bad news??

I went back to the hospital today for my results on the 2nd WLE and SNB+C. Not good news. They found more cancer cells and now want to do a mastectomy. I had 7 of the 18 nodes involved. The consultant game me a look, 'the look'. I'm being sent for a bone scan tomorrow and they're trying to organise a CT scan a.s.a.p. They're hoping to organise surgery for next week.

I feel like I'm falling and out of control. I just keep thinking 'I'm going to die, I'm going to die'. I can't look at my husband without crying, especially as it's our wedding anni tomorrow.
I had started to feel a little, and I mean a little , more optimistic when I finally got out of hospital last week as surgeons seems positive all would be well but now this has thrown me.

When the consultant first started coming out with everything it was the same hot, sick feeling that came over me when I was first DX on 28th April.
How do you deal with all this? I'm not getting used to it, I not feeling more positive and I'm not feeling in any kind of fighting spirit.
I've been offered to try ringing BC nurse or something similar but for what? To just cry down the phone at them? Nothing is going to change this awful nightmare.

Please can anyone help me....is it always going to be bad news? I know everyone on here is suffering and I don't expect any magic words, I'm just another poor female going through this sh1t. Is suicide the only way out of this hell?