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it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

18 REPLIES 18
Peachez
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

I had a wonderful back and neck massage by a really lovely lady this morning. It really helped to loosen some knots.

As it happened we had a letter on the mat when we got home. A copy of the report my Surgeon has sent my GP. During the consultation we must’ve switched off , as it is in print that I have been upgraded from a grade 2 to 3.... but I am still hanging on to the fact that my scans were clear. I just wish they would get on with the treatment, this waiting around is sheer agony.

I have booked another massage for next week and will see what they can offer in the way of counselling too maybe. There was also an Art Therapy Group, now that sounds right up my street, but the lady that runs it is off sick just now, I hope she’s back soon!

Peachez
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Having had the incredible high of the clear scans, I am coming back to earth - waking up every morning knowing this horrid thing is still ticking away inside me as I probably still have cancerous nodes left inside. Hopefully I will get a date to start my Chemo by the end of this week. The sooner it's started the sooner it will be over and we can get the surgery and rads done. Does anyone really feel 'safe' after all this? How often do you check and does anyone pay for private scans or anything further down the line??

Have been looking at wigs yesterday, I think this will be the way for me, perhaps natty hats for relaxed days. I was told they can make you hot, but as I feel the cold usually that won't be a problem.. may even save on the heating over the winter!!

Off for a massage this morning, tomorrow I'm writing my Will !! P x

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hiya Peachez....just caught up and soooooo pleased for you after all that worry. You are going to be ok girl...just believe it!....and keep away from busses...

I had my first dose of FEC last week and will have 2 more of them and 3 TAX. Its not so bad and I'm looking forward to scaring the kids at school when bald! I had it in node too and we can do this together if you want to keep in contact

LIF xx

saffronseed
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi Brilliant news - I know it sounds an odd thing to say and be celebrating, but with the scans clear it is very good news, the rest is very treatable.

I too had to have another Scan, as the CT scan found 'larger' nodes on the other side - thats one of the problems with scans whilst they do give you good news they are very sensative and pick up anything 'unusual'. anyhow in my case it was just simply 'larger' lymph nodes and nothing sinister. I am sure yours will be the same.

Good luck with Chemo and Mx, anx - its a long road but now you know what you are up against you can take control and it will over before you know it! x

x

dawnhc
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi Peachez,

So pleased to read your news today. Now remember to look both ways when you cross the road!!!

Dawn
xx

Peachez
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Wow! Phew! the Bone and CT scans were clear. I'm bouncing about happy that I've only got it in the Breast and Nodes!! Weird or what...

They did find something else though, some other nodes below the diaphragm on the same side, that are enlarged. Unlikely to be related, they say, but I have to have a needle biopsy next week to check them out.

3 years ago I had made a fuss about an ache in that area I have had since 1997 and my GP to sent me for a CT , which showed they were slightly larger then normal, but they didn't follow it up!!! So at least it gave them a comparison for last week's CT, which showed that they are slightly larger still since then, so are very slow growing whatever it is; they are now going to try and find out what they are before I start my Chemo in 2/3 weeks time. Then Mx and ANC. Then Rads and Tablets....

hopalong
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi all I dip in and out occaisionaly, mostly to read.

I have just heard something on the radio which made me think and then nod in agreement. A man was being interviewed by Aled Jones and he closed by saying "You don't have the power to change events, but you do possess the power to change attitudes to events"

Sorry to but in on this thread but couldn't find the lovely one that was active a couple of weeks ago about quotes and inspiring thoughts and thought this one might be appropriate. I have been there and agree that a few months or years into everything your thoughts change so to everyone feeling vulnerable at the moment hang on in there and take care. PS I used the peer support 1-1 telephone service, Younger Womens Forum and local hospice day centre for someone to talk things through with and found the services of BCC invaluable. Caroline

saffronseed
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi I can only echo what everyone else has already said on here. It has been a set back for you and no wonder you are feeling like you do.

I remember when I was first diagnosed I feared the very worst. I too had node involvement they found 7 nodes with cancer at SNB and my tumour was 9cm! after full clearance I they found another 2 nodes with cancer out of a total of 24.

when you get your treatement plan you feel more in control of things - and that alone makes you feel much better and much stronger. I have had to have surgery twice - WLE and then MX, Chemo and just finished RADs and I am now on hormone theropy.

Breast Cancer is very treatable - my Onc has gone for a 'cure' and is keen to tell me that - I have had (and still do) have my ups and downs and like everyone else I would have preferred not to have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer but I do still feel its far better than being hit by a bus.

wishing you all the best xx

horace
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

I promise you will feel better once you have your treatment properly under way.It is these initial stages when you feel taken over by terror but it will pass.I was so frightened when I learned that my bc was triple negative and I would need chemo etc but I am 4 years down the line and so far NED.Do accept all the support available to you and tell your daughter she can be your best phone buddy-someone you can ring if you need to talk-that should make her feel better and useful but without jeopardising her degree.
Be good to yourself and come on here whenever you want to share.
Love Valxx

Peachez
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Thanks all. Still in the dark place. Can't seem to stop shaking and am constantly cold. When I eat I feel sick.

Eldest daughter is now threatening to leave her 3rd year in Uni to come home- must keep her on track, off to Brighton today to see if we can reassure her and calm her down.

I hope it starts to get better soon. This is hell.

P x

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi Peachez,

Just keep away from that bus.

This is a shocking time for you and all you can do is take it one day at a time.

I had stage 3 grade 3 and HER2+++. 14/28 nodes affected. That was 2 years ago. Finished Herceptin in July and all scans were clear. So you see it can be very bad and end up okay. There are thousands of us on here that have gone through hell and back and have lived to tell the tale. No reason why you should not be the same.

As I said, one day at a time is the only way to cope.

We are here to help. Just ask.

Here comes a cyber hug,

E

pollysue
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Each of the users of this forum will remember exactly how you are feeling at this point....shock, denial, fearing the worst etc. I had no symptoms whatsoever and after my first age related mammogram was diagnosed with DCIS in April 2008, had a mastectomy with an immediate reconstruction but to my utter horror the pathology came back with positive lymnph nodes...further clearance of nodes also showed evidence of spread. Have travelled the chemo road and rads with Herceptin only finishing last Xmas eve because of heart problems caused by the herceptin. I am currently NED as are a lot of users of the forum who are/were grade three with lymph node involvement.I have started lipofill transfer to 'plump' out my reconstruction and have had a new nipple. You are only starting out on your journey and believe me things will look better as time passes..be strong.

Lyn

Lyn

dawnhc
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hello Peachez,

First of all I dont think you are cheating to ask for something to help you sleep. That is sensible in my book!!! You need help and you have been wise enough to ask for it.

Then you said "everything seems to point to clear lymph nodes being the key to long term survival". Well, yes I think with clear nodes you have generally speaking a better chance of long term survival but if it has spread to the nodes there are many of us still ok after many years of dx. I am now 20 years on from that first diagnosis. I won't pretend it has all been easy, but I have gained strength each time as I find I have been able to cope. These early days are some of the worst you will have. But usually once treatment gets underway and you feel something is being done to control the disease some of that fear disappears. So hang on in there - with the love & support of your OH you will get through.

Dawn
xx

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Don't put yourself down, you are not letting anyone down, you did not ask for this to happen none of us did.

I am 13months post diagnosis, I have had a mastectomy, 2 nodes infected, 6 chemo, 25 rads and I am currently on herceptin. I am now back at full time work.

I agree with the other posts,at the beginning it seems like the end of the world and you can't see how you will cope, but cope you will. I too have met some wonderful people on my journey most of them I did not know before. People I barely knew have been wonderfully supportive, my OH,children and family have been fantastic. I have found some wonderful friends.

I am going to the lake district on Saturday for a week to spend some time with my daughter and 18 month old grandson who live in Ulverston. It is my 1st time away since diagnosis and I am so looking forward it. My other daughter is expecting her baby in February (before I finish Herceptin) another thing I am looking forward to. It has made me realise that I can enjoy life and look forward, something I found hard to do at the beginning. Be kind to yourself, you will have the strength to cope and you will one day find yourself looking at the good side of life.
Marian xx

Peachez
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Dearest Ladies, I am still crying buckets - off and on, but with your help hope to feel more positive soon. I am so very frightened at the moment, of it having spread. I have friends who have had this and have survived, but none of them have had it this bad, everything seems to point to clear lymph nodes being the key to long term survival.

I have been in touch with my GP who has let me have something to help me sleep, sorry if you think this is cheating!I am so so sorry to be such a whimp. I am usually stronger than this.

I keep thinking how much I have let everyone down, especially my loving OH, who saw his Mum lose the fight against bowel cancer 15 years ago, it seems so cruel.

Thank you for your lovely messages. P x

jacqui37
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi
Sorry to hear your of your situation. I remember how I felt when I got similar news to you. But I just have 2 more sessions of radiotherapy left and will be finished my active treatment (just follow ups and Tamoxifen after that) and I wanted to reassure you that as crappy as it is, you do get through it and the year will go faster than you expect and you will have some good experiences along the way.
I had WLE and ANC in Jan, 6 sessions of chemo, full mastectomy and reconstruction in July and (because they found a second tumour) 15 rads. It has all taken 10 months since my biopsy on 21st December.
Along the way I have met some lovely people, discovered that I really am a strong person, determined what is important to me, been moved by the wonderful support I received from colleagues and friends and grown closer to my husband.
I am not a different person because I have breast cancer. It is a tough year ahead for you, but you will get through it.
Best wishes,
Jacqui

Guest user
Not applicable

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

There's always hope !!!! Your going through hell at the moment as many off us have done, my motto is keep walking !!! Even hell ends...

I went through similar last December,2 operations, done the chemo, then the rads, burnt like hell on this.... Guess what now back into chemo, Herceptin and Tamoxifen and still don't know if i might end up with a MX but in the end you have to believe it's worth it, as many ladies with aspiring stories on hear have told..

Just take one day at a time, it's amazing how fast it goes, I cannot believe I'm a year into treatment !

Be kind to yourself, treat yourself and let others treat you !

Good luck, Love Teresa xxx

My DX is grade 3 22 nodes removed, 16 infected HR Positive

frazzledfifty
Member

Re: it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Hi Peachez

I don't often login these days but when i read your post I had to reply.

First of all i understand a little of how you must be feeling and yes there is hope.

My story was a little different but basically I was told from the outset I needed a mast but probably no other treatment so went in for the surgery with a planned immediate TRAM recon. Came to in recovery to find no recon done as cancer was worse than thought with 1 positive node found and a nodule of cancer in the skin. I had therefore had full axillary clearance and would now need chemo and probably rads. To say i was devastated doesn't cover it and I went through a really bad time. Final results were luckily only 2 nodes affected and the anterior margin was not clear as tumour close to chest wall. Anyway I had my chemo and rads and eventually a recon and after Tamoxifen for 2+ yrs and Arimidex for another 2+ I was discharged earlier this month and it is now 6yrs since dx.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and I wish you all the best with your results and subsequent treatment. I am sure you will find someone here who will be going through this at the same time and that will be invaluable support.

Wishing you all the best

Peachez
Member

it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

Had WLE and SNB on 5th Oct for a 3cm IDC (grade 2)on right side.
Got initial results today, 20th; we had hoped for better. None of the margins were clear from the 6cm+ they took, and all 4 of the lymph nodes taken were infected.
I have to have CT and bone scans tomorrow, the results of which we get on Monday 25th Oct when we see the Oncologist. At the very least I am to have a full mastectomy and full node clearance, and some form of Chemotherapy + rads . “Oh b*gg*r” isn’t quite enough anymore...it would be easier to be hit by a bus...

I am feeling very down about all this. Is there anyone out there been through, or going through this, is there any hope ??? Px