Giving you a big hug because you’ve obviously been through an awful time with your mother if her passing fills you with such joy. Very sad to hear & I hope you find peace with your life now
Norberte - I know what a lovely person you are so I can only imagine how your mother must have been for you to talk about her like this.
I hope this gives you some closure and you can move forward from this with peace.
take care, Elinda x
Norberte,
I’m so sorry your mother caused you such pain during her life. I had very mixed feelings about mine and her prolonged decline and slow death were catastrophic events for our large family, setting us at each other’s throats when we had always been fond of each other before.
I don’t know what poisons some people and makes them so difficult to be with but it is desperately sad for them that they can’t be happy in their own skins.
Be kind to yourself for a while. You’ll be surprised by how much of a shock this will be to you - I call it mourning for what you never got.
Take care,
Kathleen
Hi Norberte, I am so delighted for you that you are free of such a negative person in the background of your life, even tho we can’t be free of the memories. As I was trying to post this to you my computer froze twice…anyway had she not been dead I would have offered to send the lesbian police out…no one should have to put up with such crap.
And to all the great mothers out there - well done you, you are doing a great job.
Take it easy N,
N
Ah, you finally found out for sure. Just you dance metaphorically, the journey’s not worth it. Pick a spot in your back garden, a small jig, a small smile, then go and have a lie-down on the sofa. That’s about as much energy on acknowledging her passing as you need to expend.
Norberte - you are not alone - every time the care home ring (where my mother lives out her days) I pray its with the news she has finally shed this mortal coil and I can finally finish off getting my head in order. I get so far but every time she comes along and intervenes - not physically but in my head - once she’s no longer around then I can really finish this off.
She even contributes to making my bc worse than it would have been - as children we were fed horror stories of how she nursed her mother post mastectomy, and the pain only dulled by drink etc etc - all 4 of us had Breast Cancer as our Bogeyman - and what happens? She avoids it but passes it (so far) on to 3 out of the 4 of us!
can’t tell you how much relief I felt as I too have a mother who I won’t miss. My daughter always says “won’t you regret it when she dies” and I always say “I will always regret the life and relationship we could have had but never did and how she made hers and everyone elses life a misery” I am always made to feel bad because people expect you to love your mother but they didn’t have mine and now thanks to you I feel normal. I love the “politically incorrect” and hope life will be good to you
This thread brings home, how lucky a lot of us are to have a loving and caring mother. I am truly sorry Norberte that you were not able to experience this.
I would also like to say that at times like this I do appreciate how fortunate I was in my own mother. She died 9 years ago and I miss her dearly. However, people with my experience of a good mother cannot envisage the damage another human being (especially a mother)can do to their own child through their own hands and tongue.
Dpblob, you have said it all in one brief post. How very well put.
I have the same sort of relationship with my ex-sister, who has done me immesurable damage over the years, right from when I was a child. I can honestly say she’s the only person I truly HATE (it’s a word I don’t use about people generally) and I look forward to being able to spit on her grave. I have to admit, on diagnosis one of my first thoughts was disappointment that I might die before she does so I couldn’t!
Jayne, like you I still miss my mum who died nearly 30 years ago, and I feel very sad for those of you who have not had the benefit of a loving mother, even though I only had her while I was a child.
Hugs to those who don’t have, or haven’t had, the mum they deserve.
Hi Norberte I too completely understand where you are coming from - although my own mum was fantastic and I miss her loving patience every day, my husband had a very troubled relationship with his mother who absolutely hated me, and he had a similar reaction when she died. Not every mother is a saint. Love to you as however you feel this will be a difficult time xxxx
I was fortunate to have a lovely mum but she passed when I was fourteen. However my MiL is exceptionally nasty to all six of her children. Four of which have distanced themselves physically from her. My lovely generous OH suffered greatly at her hands and it wasn’t until we had been married quite a few years and had our son that he began to come to terms with her behaviour and realise that it wasn’t his fault. Her sister at the ripe old age of 90 is a delight and we often joke about her being my MiL instead. When she opens her mouth it is to praise her two children who make sure she is ok, unlike the wicked witch of the north(London) who demands obeisance.
Mums are so important and I hope my son will be able to look on his childhood as secure and loving, although I can be difficult at times I know.
I had a very difficult mother - when she died my last word to her (in the funeral parlour) was “sorry” - because I knew that I had never been the child that she wanted and I found her very cold to me and so difficult to love. She was a very bitter woman who liked to criticise me and belittle me.
My father died when I was young and I missed a normal family life in every way. I am so envious of all those folk who have a loving mother and a loving family to grow up with.
I have since realised that she was a very troubled individual, a very flawed person, and that maybe it was HER and not ME that had the problems and was always wrong. It has been a very hard journey but my life is immeasurably easier without her.
I have to be honest I have a fantastic mum and mother in law and I know my wife would say the same, but I remember one Christmas party a cousin of mine was talking about his mum who died of BC (my mum’s sister in law)and his words were I go as often as I can to her grave (that nice thinks I) then he adds so as I can make sure the bitch is still in there,wherupon his two brother and sister all nodded and said best thing the bitch did was die.
To say I was shocked is an understatement but they then told us about their lives with her and again I was completely shocked I knew nothing of the physical and mental abuse they suffered my mum in her understated way did say she wasn’t the best.
Your mother wasn’t my mother in law was she? What an evil witch my mil was. She also told people that my niece was working on the streets when she was over from Malta studying in London and staying with family. I could go on for ever about the wicked things she said. I refused to have anything to do with her for the last 2 years of her life, neither did I go to her funeral.
It was such a relief when she died. My poor sis in law suffered too. Unfortunately what ever it was that afflicted her seems to have been passed on to quite a few family members. Thank goodness I’m out of it now having made the decision to leave and live on my own.
You can gradually put it behind you now and live and enjoy your life.
HI Norberte, good to get such an upbeat update…good to say upyours to the people you don’t need to meet anymore…
can’t think of anymore ups…
anyone?
big hugs, Nicola
lovely choicey, as ever…I seem to be back here frequently at the mo - partly as I am meant to be writing a big report for work and its easier to jump on here, and partly cos I’m waiting for my 2nd year mammo results so its on my mind…good to be in touch with you both again tho,
onwards and upwards indeed
all the best Nicola
thanks to all those with lovely mums who try & understand what it’s like not to have one
& commiserations to all those with vile ones who aren’t dead yet but please be assured your own life is repairable, they don’t have the power to make any of the damage permanent (apart from some of the physical stuff of course!)
done & dusted now, for me
much appreciated thread, thank you - i was in 2 minds about posting, but should have known i could trust the bcc’ers to understand these things