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lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

24 REPLIES 24
Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

just a little update

me and t'wife didn't go to the witch's funeral

we decided that if someone really lovely had died we'd have found a way of getting to the funeral so we've put some money we haveen't really got aside for treats - i've already had my inheritance (high blood pressure, bc & a touch of madness) so this is the nice bit &, as per usual, i've had to sort it out for myself

we've been out for nice lunch, bought some books & cd's, i got an expensive frying pan i wanted but really didn't need & we're both going for a head & neck massage this weekend - cheers, mother

so, for other people in my position my advice would be to say to yourself 'if i don't go to the funeral will i look back & regret it in 10 years' time?' (my clever wife came up with that one)

if the answer's a real, calm 'no', don't go - just do something nice / soothing / affirming of your good relationships & friendships instead, & accept that some people'll judge you but at least you don't have to make it easy for them by travelling to a gathering of them all

enjoy your mothers if you can, remind yourself it's not your fault it you can't

hugs to anyone who needs / wants one
Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

there are loads & loads of ups

- no more keeping an eye on what's going on behind my back, just in case

- no more constant low-level feeling of fear

- an end to contact with my biological family altogether - yipee

- affirmation from created family, friends & bcc'ers that it's ok not to grieve your mother's death - waste of yet more energy for some of us

- comfirmation that years of therapy have been worth it

- for those who find the 'inner child' model useful, mine's gambolling about just playing, without fear or judgement, being the happy child she's more definitely allowed to be

- feeling that i can look after myself better - the last bit of leaving behind all the nasty, knotty ties that have stopped me (although i can't break all the habits i'd developed for not looking after myself at once, but that's ok)

- singing, breathing, opening up my diaphragm without making myself vulnerable

- enjoying, when the fact that she's died pops into my mind, having a little smile then letting the thought pop out again

- so many more

as you say choccy, onwards & upwards - all feels possible with a big bit of baggage jettisoned, you'll see
Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

thanks again to everyone who's posted

am about to do one of my regular culls of older posts (too publicly available for me) but will leave this thread intact

nothing to do with the vile woman having had any value, but i'm glad it's a comfort for some other bcc'ers that not grieving is ok
livlassie
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

My mum was a lovely gentle wee soul but my MIL was a nightmare - bitter twisted and cruel at every opportunity. In the end the only way i could heal my soul was to keep away from her. Didn't see her for years even though she lived a few yards away! I know how much pain these mums can cause. Ironically, when she was dying in hospital it was us who visited her and held her hand,brushed her hair, cut her nails, brought in clean stuff, flowers, yoghurts, etc. The other siblings were nowhere to be seen and it seemed cruel not to help her a wee bit. But she didn't deserve it as she truely was vile and is not mourned or missed. You reap what you sow, I suppose.

suzan
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Hi I am so sorry for you to have had an awful mother. My own son is gay and I do kinow from experience how some parents can make their childrens life a misery when they discover they are gay. I always said to my son ,,Be your own man and people will respect you for it,,, He did and now people see him and say his name , not Oh he is gay first. Life has been hard for you,I wish you love and happiness in the future. love suzan x

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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

thanks to all those with lovely mums who try & understand what it's like not to have one

& commiserations to all those with vile ones who aren't dead yet but please be assured your own life is repairable, they don't have the power to make any of the damage permanent (apart from some of the physical stuff of course!)

done & dusted now, for me

much appreciated thread, thank you - i was in 2 minds about posting, but should have known i could trust the bcc'ers to understand these things

n xx
moorcow
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

lovely choicey, as ever.....I seem to be back here frequently at the mo - partly as I am meant to be writing a big report for work and its easier to jump on here, and partly cos I'm waiting for my 2nd year mammo results so its on my mind...good to be in touch with you both again tho,
onwards and upwards indeed
all the best Nicola

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

There's always and upside to having an upbeat update... onwards and upwards, eh!

(Sorry...)

moorcow
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

HI Norberte, good to get such an upbeat update...good to say upyours to the people you don't need to meet anymore...
can't think of anymore ups...
anyone?
big hugs, Nicola

Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Hi Norberte

Your mother wasn't my mother in law was she? What an evil witch my mil was. She also told people that my niece was working on the streets when she was over from Malta studying in London and staying with family. I could go on for ever about the wicked things she said. I refused to have anything to do with her for the last 2 years of her life, neither did I go to her funeral.

It was such a relief when she died. My poor sis in law suffered too. Unfortunately what ever it was that afflicted her seems to have been passed on to quite a few family members. Thank goodness I'm out of it now having made the decision to leave and live on my own.

You can gradually put it behind you now and live and enjoy your life.

Love Jan

kevinj
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

I have to be honest I have a fantastic mum and mother in law and I know my wife would say the same, but I remember one Christmas party a cousin of mine was talking about his mum who died of BC (my mum’s sister in law)and his words were I go as often as I can to her grave (that nice thinks I) then he adds so as I can make sure the bitch is still in there,wherupon his two brother and sister all nodded and said best thing the bitch did was die.
To say I was shocked is an understatement but they then told us about their lives with her and again I was completely shocked I knew nothing of the physical and mental abuse they suffered my mum in her understated way did say she wasn't the best.

Ninja
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

I had a very difficult mother - when she died my last word to her (in the funeral parlour) was "sorry" - because I knew that I had never been the child that she wanted and I found her very cold to me and so difficult to love. She was a very bitter woman who liked to criticise me and belittle me.

My father died when I was young and I missed a normal family life in every way. I am so envious of all those folk who have a loving mother and a loving family to grow up with.

I have since realised that she was a very troubled individual, a very flawed person, and that maybe it was HER and not ME that had the problems and was always wrong. It has been a very hard journey but my life is immeasurably easier without her.

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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

I was fortunate to have a lovely mum but she passed when I was fourteen. However my MiL is exceptionally nasty to all six of her children. Four of which have distanced themselves physically from her. My lovely generous OH suffered greatly at her hands and it wasn't until we had been married quite a few years and had our son that he began to come to terms with her behaviour and realise that it wasn't his fault. Her sister at the ripe old age of 90 is a delight and we often joke about her being my MiL instead. When she opens her mouth it is to praise her two children who make sure she is ok, unlike the wicked witch of the north(London) who demands obeisance.

Mums are so important and I hope my son will be able to look on his childhood as secure and loving, although I can be difficult at times I know.

X Sarah

Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Hi Norberte I too completely understand where you are coming from - although my own mum was fantastic and I miss her loving patience every day, my husband had a very troubled relationship with his mother who absolutely hated me, and he had a similar reaction when she died. Not every mother is a saint. Love to you as however you feel this will be a difficult time xxxx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Dpblob, you have said it all in one brief post. How very well put.

I have the same sort of relationship with my ex-sister, who has done me immesurable damage over the years, right from when I was a child. I can honestly say she's the only person I truly HATE (it's a word I don't use about people generally) and I look forward to being able to spit on her grave. I have to admit, on diagnosis one of my first thoughts was disappointment that I might die before she does so I couldn't!

Jayne, like you I still miss my mum who died nearly 30 years ago, and I feel very sad for those of you who have not had the benefit of a loving mother, even though I only had her while I was a child.

Hugs to those who don't have, or haven't had, the mum they deserve.

CM
x

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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

I would also like to say that at times like this I do appreciate how fortunate I was in my own mother. She died 9 years ago and I miss her dearly. However, people with my experience of a good mother cannot envisage the damage another human being (especially a mother)can do to their own child through their own hands and tongue.

Take care and glad you felt able to share. J.

vercors
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

This thread brings home, how lucky a lot of us are to have a loving and caring mother. I am truly sorry Norberte that you were not able to experience this.

Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

can't tell you how much relief I felt as I too have a mother who I won't miss. My daughter always says "won't you regret it when she dies" and I always say "I will always regret the life and relationship we could have had but never did and how she made hers and everyone elses life a misery" I am always made to feel bad because people expect you to love your mother but they didn't have mine and now thanks to you I feel normal. I love the "politically incorrect" and hope life will be good to you

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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Norberte - you are not alone - every time the care home ring (where my mother lives out her days) I pray its with the news she has finally shed this mortal coil and I can finally finish off getting my head in order. I get so far but every time she comes along and intervenes - not physically but in my head - once she's no longer around then I can really finish this off.

She even contributes to making my bc worse than it would have been - as children we were fed horror stories of how she nursed her mother post mastectomy, and the pain only dulled by drink etc etc - all 4 of us had Breast Cancer as our Bogeyman - and what happens? She avoids it but passes it (so far) on to 3 out of the 4 of us!

I join you in a toast Norberte!!

Nina

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Ah, you finally found out for sure. Just you dance metaphorically, the journey's not worth it. Pick a spot in your back garden, a small jig, a small smile, then go and have a lie-down on the sofa. That's about as much energy on acknowledging her passing as you need to expend.

Big hugs,

CM
x

moorcow
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Hi Norberte, I am so delighted for you that you are free of such a negative person in the background of your life, even tho we can't be free of the memories. As I was trying to post this to you my computer froze twice.........anyway had she not been dead I would have offered to send the lesbian police out..no one should have to put up with such crap.
And to all the great mothers out there - well done you, you are doing a great job.
Take it easy N,
N

Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Norberte,
I'm so sorry your mother caused you such pain during her life. I had very mixed feelings about mine and her prolonged decline and slow death were catastrophic events for our large family, setting us at each other's throats when we had always been fond of each other before.
I don't know what poisons some people and makes them so difficult to be with but it is desperately sad for them that they can't be happy in their own skins.
Be kind to yourself for a while. You'll be surprised by how much of a shock this will be to you - I call it mourning for what you never got.
Take care,
Kathleen

elinda45
Member

Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Norberte - I know what a lovely person you are so I can only imagine how your mother must have been for you to talk about her like this.
I hope this gives you some closure and you can move forward from this with peace.
take care, Elinda x

Guest user
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Re: lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

Giving you a big hug because you've obviously been through an awful time with your mother if her passing fills you with such joy. Very sad to hear & I hope you find peace with your life now

Twinky x

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lesbians & bi women - the wicked witch is dead!

hurrah hurrah, my vile, abusive, violent, homophobic (of course) b*tch of a mother has finally done a kind thing & died

apologies to anyone who's lost a mother who was precious to them but, trust me, you never met the woman

& i'm glad for her that what didn't look like a nice life to be having has ended for her

but mainly i'm glad for me!

please don't post if you think i'm being horrible - i know there are taboos about this sort of thing but she really was .... undescribable!

lightness & safety to all