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marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

81 REPLIES 81
katytc
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Well said CricketDi, power to the girls!!!!!xx

CricketDi
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi everyone

Jan - yes, you're right.

Katytc - yes, once a cheater always a cheater.

Anna - so sorry you're having to wait for the results of your mammogram AND having to deal with the divorce petition. Awful. Good luck with your results.

We will all come out of this stronger, both physically and mentally. We don't need men, basically they are weaker than us, cannot cope when there's a crisis - they up and run or turn to someone else. Pathetic really.......

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi all

You are right katytc we are worth more, and we deserve better, much better.

Anna - Have you tried counselling, just someone to talk to helps.

Cricketdi - I think I've discovered what it is that makes the man I married behave the way he does. It doesn't change anything and I'm still making every effort to find an affordable place to live but what it does do is tell me that he would behave the same way with anyone. I'm not now taking his behaviour personally which makes me feel better. Like your husband he's never got anything to apologise absolutely nothing is his fault. Do stick to your guns and make a better happier life for yourself.

Love

J xxx

katytc
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi all,

I know my ex was playing around just before my diagnosis obviously a lot to come to terms with, diagnosis, treatment, separation and moving house. I don't know where it came from but it just shows the inner strength we have!! As they say once a cheater always a cheater. I would not be able to stay with him knowing he had been with someone else whilst supposedly still in love with me. I will never forgive that, but I can move on and be happy in myself, you see I am worth more. I think that once you come to that conclusion you can move on, yes it's difficult but the results in my case were well worth it, therefore good luck to you all in your new ventures, lots of hugs for all of us xx

mumx5inuk
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Dear all,

I'm new here, so glad to have found you all! My cancer
diagnosis has led to divorce, after five children and
32 years together.

This week is just too filled with stress, I feel like I am
about to explode with it all. I am waiting for the results of my
one-year post-surgery mammogram, plus my divorce
petition is supposed to be filed in court today.

Last night I found out that he is dating. (I evicted him
4 months ago.)

Chocolate, crisps, nothing is helping with the stress.

Thanks for listening!

All the best,
Anna

CricketDi
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hello Bankhousegirl

I haven't been online for a week or so, have only just seen your posting title - and it certainly brings it all back to me my husband's behaviour when I was ill. My subject posting is `Lack of support from partner'........

I am so sorry to hear your news, but as you can see from all the comments on your posting, everyone supports you and YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for anything. Essentially I feel that men are very selfish and when they are not the centre of your world they don't like it. Stuff that is happening with YOUR health - they do not want to know. You stick to your guns.

For those of you who have seen my posting, there was a development last night - my husband only wants to start again. But, wait for it, he is planning on visiting his lady friend on the IoW at the weekend!!!! But if I agree to `start again` he will cancel the trip! How about that for emotional blackmail? For those who don't know my story, my lovely husband had an affair during all my ops, chemo etc and was planning on leaving me and setting up home with HER on the IoW. We had counselling etc but the main problem was he never apologised to me for what he did and said to me earlier this year `I've done nothing to apologise for'. Brilliant!

He is now scared because I have been looking at flats and once we sell our house my daughter and I will be able to set up home in our new place. He now realises I mean business and he can't cope with this - tough.

My plans will NOT change and he is going to have to come to terms with it. A couple of times he has said to me `can we start again' and the best of it was, it was our 18th wedding anniversary on Sunday - he only asked me if I wanted to go out for a drink to celebrate!' Talk about being in denial. I told him that as we were separating I didn't think it would be a good idea to celebrate our marriage!...........

So, Bankhousegirl, you need to think about YOU - your health and wellbeing come first. Good luck.

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi bankhousegirl

I can hear the hurt in your words. I was in a very similar situation myself. We are about the same age, I'm 65 next February. My husband also gave no support whatsoever during my BC DX and treatment. He doesn't have MS like your husband and I can understand the dilemma you are in.

My husband also expected me to sort everything out really so that he could have the easy life.

There far too much to write here about my situation but it boils down to the same thing as yours.

I am on the council housing list waiting for a bungalow where I can live in peace. Having said that I have now taken steps to separate everything and no longer do anything for him at all. We just live in the same house for the time being.

I went for counselling at the end of last year and that was an enormous help in making my decision. Maybe counselling would help you, if you haven't already gone down that route. Counselling certainly helps to get your thoughts in order and sort things out.

You are not too old to have a life of your own and to enjoy it. I now 'do my own thing' I dance, swim, go to the theatre, have trips out with friends, who have all been very good and very supportive.

Your life is yours. I appreciate that your husband is ill but even so he should give whatever support he can to help you through your illness.

I don't think you were ranting at all. You obviously need to get all the hurt and frustration out and I can definitely identify with that. It just eats you up from the inside out trying to work out why you are being treated with indifference especially when you have given so much support over so many years.

Have you talked to your GP about your situation. Mine was very supportive and still is.

Love you you

Jan xx

katytc
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi bankhousegirl,

I separated from my husband of 30 years, during my treatment. I now have my own wee house and feel really happy. It is a difficult decision to make and everything it entails is daunting, but mine was relatively easy, once decided there was no going back! I came back from hols, moved a couple of days later, started rads 2 days after that. I have never looked back! He is happier too. Strength is an amazing thing, you do find it from somewhere. I had the disability in the relationship. Whatever you decide, it is your decision, no one elses, take care and very big hugs to you xx

Daysie
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Bish

So sorry to hear about your husbands unforgiveable behaviour! Grrrr Just look at the photo of you and your son and you can clearly see he's the loser!! You will be a stronger and better person when you come through all this. I just hope he takes responsibility for your son. Make sure you have a good solid network of support around you, think about you and your son first, stay strong.

Best wishes

Daysie x

bankhousegirl
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi everyone, I don`t know if I am submitting this to the right page. I have thought of nothing else but separating from my OH for the past few years, and today I just feel I am at the end of my tether. I have been his sole carer for approx 27 years (MS) and now when I have got BC (Had mastectomy two years ago, and implant earlier this year, which was not right and so had fat filler op two weeks ago, he has shown no emotion at all. He didnt even phone hospital when I had MX, let alone come to visit me. He is in a wheelchair and could have come to see me with help. He has been in hospital himself for physio for last 6 weeks, and I have felt so liberated and stress free. He is a very demanding man, and the social worker even told him he should make more decisions himself. He relies on me for everything, but I dont want to know anymore.
I am 65 next March, and been married for 42 years. Am I being selfish and unreasonable in wanting to leave, (He refuses to talk about care) and am I too old to even want to have a life of my own. He never answers when I try to discuss my feelings and I feel so confused and unhappy. Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to try to explain the situation. Oncologist says I have a very good chance of survival and could go on for another 20 years, and I dont want to spend the time I have left feeling unhappy and miserable.

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Thank you so much Blue dragonfly.

I've had my 2 year old grandson today (profile pic) and so I feel better. He's such a happy child, we have so much fun together it's difficult to be sad when he's around.

I hope you are well today.

Love to you

Jan xxx

Blue_dragonfly
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Dear Jan there isn't anything I can say that others haven't said before, but I just wanted to sent you hugs and more hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Thank you both.

You write such wise words and I know that what you say is right. I just wish that it was all done and I didn't have to keep making such an effort dealing with things here and trying to find somewhere to live.

Things have really got to me this weekend.

I have a really busy week this week so that will give me other things to concentrate on. Sometimes a solution comes when you're not trying so hard.

I have my beautiful grandson for the day tomorrow.

Love to you both. Take care

J xxx

blueew
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan,
Try not to dwell too much on the past because the more you think about things the angrier you get! I know it's easier said than done but it's not constructive for you. Think of it as, you must be a very strong person to have put others first and that strength is a positive rather than a negative. Don't look back but look to your new future. You will find somewhere to live my budget is now extremely tight and I do worry about money all the time but the actual relief I feel makes it worthwhile, if that makes sense.
I found it very difficult to realise that after 35 years my husband just didn't seem to care about how much he had hurt me until someone else said to me that his caring was just very different from mine and not to expect so much. I think you always do a roll reversal and expect to be treated in the same way as you would treat others but once you get your head around this you feel calmer.
I think Chocciemuffin is right don't play the blame game it's far too stressful and are we not stressed enough??????
Just keep it in your head all the time that you will soon be free, bite your tongue, and keep as calm as possible this is for your benefit not his make things as easy as you can for your own piece of mind, remember you now come first.
Love Elaine x

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

6 years ago I was in the process of splitting up from my partner of 15 years, when we parted company suddenly and permanently. Despite the need to deal with his financial mess and arrange the funeral, I couldn't help feeling a massive sense of freedom. Don't beat yourself up for putting up with it for years, those who are bullied, either physically or emotionally, feel flattened, and it was only taking anti-d's and counselling helped to take the painful sharp edges of things enough for me to pluck up the courage to make arrangements for us all to leave.

It's tough, but if that's the way life is taking you, then don't beat yourself up for not doing it earlier.

Life has a way of papering over the cracks, but when you're hit with something life-changing like BC, that just tears the paper off for all of us. For some, the wall behind the paper is strong and well-built and the relationships survive and thrive. For others, the mortar in the wall is crumbling and in need of serious repair if it's not to fall down, and for others the wall is beyond repair. This is NOT OUR FAULT, it's just how life is sometimes.

Good luck.

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi blueew

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. At the moment I'm very very angry. It started because of something my husband did yesterday which I won't bore you with because it wasn't a major thing. What it's done though is made me very angry with myself for all the years I've wasted and how I've allowed myself to be treated, putting everyone before myself.

Like you I would never have treated my husband the way he's treated me, in fact I wouldn't treat my dog the way he's treated me.

Funnily enough I was thinking about 'freedom' this morning and what a brilliant feeling it must be not to have constant aggrevation. Like you I bare great resentment towards my husband but hide it well. That's maybe why I'm feeling like I do at present.

I looked at a flat yesterday but it was awful. The ones I would like are far too expensive for me. I'm sure that if I carry on looking a solution will present it's self.

Thank you so much. Your words couldn't have come at a better time for me.

I hope you are well.

Love to you

Jan xxx

blueew
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan,
My husband and I separated after 35 years together very recently.I have just moved into a lovely flat and I am very happy, looked at 5 flats/houses before I found this one, it is expensive but I just couldn't stay in the same house as husband any longer. I feel a wonderful sense of FREEDOM, I no longer have to put his feelings first or worry about him, for the moment it's just about me!!! Feels very strange at first. We are both amicable regarding separation but I do have a great resentment towards him,(which I hide very well) perhaps it's because I know that I would never have treated him the way that he has treated me if he was in a similar position. I did have a couple of meltdowns recently, lots of tears in public places but I'm sure it's the tamoxifen everyone was so supportive on this site and the comments were so helpful and deeply appreciated, so be brave, you can do it!! Freedom is calling you!!!!!!!

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Thanks Molly

I've had a quick look and it looks as if I might get some of my questons answered which would help.

I've made an appointment with my GP who knows me well, I knew him and his wife as friends before he became my GP. He also knows my husband. I will go and talk to him about the situation and see what help or support he can suggest. I doubt that my husband will be co-operative because there's nothing wrong with him is there? It's me who has the problem!!!! (I've believed that at times too, How these people get inside your head!!!)

The apartment I went to see yesterday, from the outside was lovely, like a little house in a courtyard of very quaint mews type houses and apartments but when I went inside it was far too small. In fact it's difficult to see how anyone with any possessions would be able to live in it.

Anyway onwards and upwards. Thanks for you love a support.

I hope you are still feeling good and making continued progress.

Love J xx

mollyc
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan,

I'm feeling good today and have made some progress on resolving my 'double trouble':). Glad to hear you are staying optimistic and I truly hope you find your own little haven of peace soon. There are some good online groups specific to narcissistic abuse recovery, providing both practical and emotional support. Although I have to say the wealth of shared experience and support given on this forum is second to none.

Hugs,
Molly

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi CM

Thanks. Just read your post about 'wind'!!! You made me laugh.

J xx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Best of luck with the flat, Jan. And if this one isn't suitable, there will be others.

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Blimey Molly you've hit the nail just about on the head there. There are one or two more things I'd add on to the list of symptoms with regard to my husband but that's more or less him.

Thanks for the advice. You seem to know what you're talking about. This forum is so good, there's always someone who's been there and done it no matter what the problem there's always a listening ear.

I'm looking at an apartment at lunchtime but to be honest I don't think I'll be able to afford it. There's got to be a solution to the problem though so I'll think again and explore other avenues. I've bought a lottery ticket too. Fingers crossed. Always the optimist!!!

Love to you. I do hope you're feeling good today.

Jan xxx

mollyc
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan,

and for anyone finding themselves dealing with an unsupportive/abusive partner just google 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' and start reading. You may be surprised at what you'll find, I know I did. Bottom line, this disorder is (virtually) incurable and it is more common than you think. You didn't break them and you can't fix them.

Self-care is vital when you are dealing with any major life event so lose the loser and surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally. Being mindful that 'actions speak louder than words' and that past behaviour predicts future behaviour. Molly x

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Everyone

Thank you so much for your posts. Your support has made me feel that I'm not the only one in the world living with a bloke who doesn't care and doesn't appear to have any emotions.

I cried all night which I needed to do, I was feeling so stressed and at least crying seems to have got rid of some of that.

Ann - Your post made me cry. What a difficult time you must have had. I take my hat off to you and your husband for overcoming your difficulties. Your's must be a very special relationship.

happynipple - Your understanding of my situation is so spot on I think that we have had very similar experiences and you have made a new life for yourself and if you can I can too.

Karen - I do hope your new relationship makes you very happy. You deserve it after the time you've had. What a heartless b****rd walking out after 3 days and then prolonging the agony. Why are there so many of these selfish men about? Have we been invaded by aliens?!!

Love to you all. I hope you are feeling well today and that life just gets better abd better. Heaven knows you've all had enough to deal with.

J xx

kayh317
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi,

have just found this thread and wanted to say I know how difficult it all is as my partner walked out on me 3 days after my first op in Nov 09. Let him keep coming backward and forward for 9 months and then found the strength to say no more. It was very difficult and his treatment was abhorrent. He told me I was making him ill because of everything I was going through,

I kept away from men for a while but met a guy in February and have been seeing him since. I was rediagnosed with cancer again a month ago and have surgery tomorrow. He seems amazingly supportive but the again the ex did at first !!

Hoping it's not a case of deju vu.

Karen

happynipple
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Dear bish,

I was in an abusive relationship from which I walked out summer last year. When I was dx I seriously considered to split up with him but, everybody told me not to make this sort of decision, (they did not know the seriousness of the situation), while I was in such a stressful situation as having treatment was. During my treatment he was the bastard he has always been. I deeply regret not to have left him before. I think to be with him was a complete and utterly waist of my precious time. I rather deal with loneliness that with someone who is an asshole and is not there for me when I need it. For your husband behaviour I can't find any justification, being with him will bring you more streets, frustration and your sense of your self lost. Do you really want to live with some one who doesn't show any kind of sensitivity towards you who is facing a life threatening illness? Sooner or later you will have to deal with the unhappiness that he is bringing into your life, you can't decide about cancer but you certainly can decide on this. I can't tell you how much time and energy I spend trying to not to feel hurt by my ex behaviour, time that for certain, I shouldn't have spent in some like him.

XX

amber32002
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Jan,
Heck - what a situation for you.
I have zero time for anyone - male female or otherwise - who promises to love and care for a partner and then treats them the way he's treated you.
My hubby is on the autism spectrum, same as me, and allegedly neither of us should be capable of empathy and care, but goodness me he is fantastic. So caring, so worried for and about me through the BC. And likewise I cared for and loved him through his own brain haemorrhage a couple of years back. It would be so easy for either of us to fall back on excuses of "what do you expect - we have a hard life/a hard childhood/a disability that makes caring more difficult" But caring is a choice, and something that can be learned as a skill.
He's chosen not to. It's as simple as that.
Horrible for you. Just horrible. You deserve someone who can love and care you for as the wonderful person you are.

Ann x

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

hi CM

I love reading your posts. You always write such common sense so thanks for this post. At the moment I feel sick, don't know whether its the Exemestane or the realisation of the situation I'm in

Fortunately I'm a tough cookie and if I can get through BC I can get through this. Just need to tell myself to slow down and do it one step at a time and make sure each step is in the right direction.

Love to you. Take care of yourself.

J xxx

ChoccieMuffin
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Jan,

What a [insert expletive here]. I remember the split from my husband 21 years ago and the "moment" when everything drops into place. From then on it was no doubt tough (I had a toddler and was pregnant at the time!) but from that moment of realisation, it all became do-able and life started to make sense again.

I'm so glad you have people around you who are there to support you. They probably wouldn't have criticised him to you before now, but they will have seen what was going on.

Yeah, he might be finding this a bit tough but he should have just grown a pair, but by the sound of things that's beyond him.

You owe it to yourself to make the best of your life, and getting a flat sounds like exactly the way to do it. For practical things you seem to have friends and family close by, and for emotional support more friends and family, and of course us lot on here.

Have lots of hugs, get yourself a box of tissues if you need it, be kind to yourself.

CM
x

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Thanks Alex. You're a star. So many lovely people on here. It makes me feel better just reading the posts.

Take care

J xxx

mummysboob
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

jan, good luck and best wishes to u. u deserve so much better. love alex xxxx

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jane, Sheil and El Katrano

Thank you so much for your replies.

I could go on for ages about the things he's done over the years. I never understood why he was so awful but when he made that statement on Friday all the pieces of the jigsaw suddenly snapped into place.

You are right Sheil no amount of wishing or talking to him will change anything, in fact he twists things around so that everything is someone else's fault, very often mine. I'm better off just saving my breath.

I'm so lucky that I have a lovely son and daughter in law and and many brilliant friends, although I lost a good friend to cancer 2 weeks ago. Funeral yesterday, awful.

My brother has asked me if I want to go and live with him and my sister in law. I'm not ruling anything out at present but they live a long way away and I would be so far from my family and friends and my little grandson who is the light of my life.

Whether the apartment will be any good I don't know and I'm not rushing into anything. Getting through BC largely on my own has made me very strong and I'm determined to do the very best I can for myself now.

Thank you for your support. Everyone is so kind on this forum.

Love J xxx

El_Katrano
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

I've just been reading these comments and jesus, there really are some ar*eholes out there aren't there!
I can't imagine having to deal with the breakdown of a relationship along with treatment and a lack of support/understanding/empathy from OH.
What w*nkers these men are and I certainly hope they get some cosmic karma one day.

sheil
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan
What an utter shxt. Him and situation. But I do think people like him are just like that and no amount of wishing will change it. Egotistic narcissist or something like that is the term. They are incapable of viewing any situation except from their own twisted perception. My ex was like that, could always be trusted to made a bad situation worse. When I was ill, it always turned out to be about him. When he was ill I worried, looked after him, but when it was me it was all about how he was coping or not. So although the timing is rubbish, you'll probably be a lot better off without him. And hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel as there was with me - my current OH is just lovely, supportive (making me dinner as I speak). I sometimes take him for granted, but tell him I need a week back with ex so I remember to appreciate him.

I hate to hear tales like yours, this BC stuff is hard enough, but hopefully you've got a good support network - and there's always us with broad shoulders here.

Alien is right. Hope he gets what's coming.

S
X

hipchick
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Oh Jan, what a selfish A**E. I had one like that and leaving him, (or kicking him out) was such a relief. You can now look forward to years of putting yourself and your needs before his. I wish you luck.

Jane

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi all

After many posts on many threads about my totally unsupportive husband. The man whose kids I brought up as my own, his first wife died, and supported through their trials and tribulations, still do, and the man who I supported through a nervous breakdown in 2000/2001.

The man who went to work on the morning of my op leaving my friend and son to take me into hospital. And when he got to work turned all his phones off so he was uncontactable!!!..Never phoned the hospital during the day and was then furious because I was still in theatre when he arrived at the beginning of visiting. Bearing in mind that two friends and my son had been leaving messages for him on his phones all day telling him that I was late going down to theatre.

I could go on for ever about how he left me to fend for myself and never lifted a finger to do anything when I came out of hospital.

Well on Friday he was having a mild bullying session when I asked why he didn't give me any support and his reply was

'For years you are a less than perfect wife, a major disaster comes into your life and you expect me to be the perfect husband.'

There's the reason - he's an alien who hasn't any emotions.

I'm viewing an apartment on Friday.

Good luck to all who are having probs.

Love J

Ninja
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

"Classic really, denial, anger,etc etc"
Oh aye, we've all the tears, trying to be in denial and crap that everyone goes through. It can only get better.

hipchick
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

I've also just seen this thread. I've had a few wobbles with my OH since diagnosis, but we now are coping coping well. Classic really, denial, anger,etc etc. Think he's at the acceptance stage now and things much more stable. My situation is exacerbated because OH first wife died about 10 years ago and she was only 42. Not BC but I felt initially that comparisions were being made and my illness was insignificant because I wasn't ill enough. I tried to protect him from what was happening to me, but feel now that this was a mistake as he didn't realise how I was really feeling. My mistake. I'm now much more up front with him, telling him everything without being negative about it all. This is helping. Emotionally I think he's been in more pain than me as he must have been thinking, here we go again. Men fix things and it's very hard for them when they can't offer a solution. My first OH... now that's different story and I'm thankful every day that he's in the past as his main concern would have been who was going to look after him.

Ninja
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

edited

lands
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

God, what a happy thread :/, i saw this when it was first posted and thought what a selfish nugget,

All i can say is from my point of view from D/X, my partner having a M/X made no difference whatsoever to how i see her, all through the chemo at hospital and home i have 'held and emptied' the sick bowl, daily trips to Christies, the daily 'side effects' of the tablets, the worry of the wait and support for scan results, it doesn't matter maybe there should be a bit more focus on how partners try to support each other at these times.

And if during the process one or THE other of the partners reasseses the relationship it doesn't make them a bad person. Just a different way of coping with it.

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Karen

I'm so pleased to hear your news. I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

Love to you

Jan xxx

Lemongrove
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

I don't want to pass judgement on your husband (although I do have a view), I just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you, when you already have so much on your plate.

icy_k
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi,
I posted here in January but just wanted to return to say that after LOTS of talking, LOTS of "it's all your fault" and "it's all my fault" and LOTS of 'us' time we seem to have found ourselves back on track.
Of course, all treatment finished at the end of January, just Tamoxifen to contend with for the next five years,I am now back at work and my hair is growing nicely etc, so this may have contributed to everything?
I realise that he was going through a tough time emotionally too and although I don't totally agree or like the way he dealt with things at least eventually we both calmed down enough to talk and listen to each other.
However, I also learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought and if he was to pull a stunt like that again.......I'll willingly pack his case for him 🙂
Karen

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Sue

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I'm lucky that I have a lovely son and daughter in law and the cutest 2 year old grandson who I have a very special relationship with. They are my strenth and keep me going.

I was talking to a retired doctor friend recently about the situation at home and he just said one sentence 'some men never grow up'.

I've had all the comments like I'd have been better refusing all treatment and letting things take their natural course and I'd be better off not taking my medication. I could go on and on. Last week he told me that I knew that if anything serious happened he'd be there for me!!!!! What's cancer then?

My results were OK thanks. It appears that my childhood asthma has returned and although I'd rather not have it things could be much worse.

Take care of yourself

Love to you

Jan xxx

Susan52
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi Jan and all
hope your tests are coming back ok Jan. I know how horrid it is to have no support. Was alone with 15 year old daughter first time i had treatment in 2004 and no family. Had to resort to paying a neighbour who had a cleaning company to help out and she then became my friend. This time around i'm living with new partner in France and he just can't cope. He's never been with me for clinic appts and i'm pretty sure people thought i was making him up, except when i saw the surgeon and then spent most of my appt talking about his business, so much so that on my last appt with surgeon the surgeon asked me how he was doing! His type of comments are 'when are you going back to work?' Or 'We can't survive on one income', or 'it's better to die now than be just moping around at home or feeling pain'. I'm not asking for sympathy, in fact i don't ask for anything, but a little bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss. Millions of times i've thought about coming home, but no-one really to go back to. Son is in UK with his partner but at least my daughter's here. If she wasn't i'd def go nuts! Things would def be better and easier to cope if i felt loved instead of just tolerated so know what you all mean. Love to all, sue xxx

Jan
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi All

Talk about it never rains but it pours. What a bad time you've had.

I can understand how you feel potmaid. I think it's all about trust really. If you've had a bad time with someone even though they may make an effort at a later date you can never really trust them again.

My husband never did make the effort. Was never there, there were always more important things than supporting me.

Even though I had a husband, Mary grace, he was never there to attend appontments or for hugs. On the day of my op he went to work as normal and switched his phone off so my friend and son who took me into hospital couldn't contact him. He'd no idea what was happening or how I was. Didn't even phone the hospital himself!!!

Just to let you know that I've seen a solicitor. If I leave the house it won't affect what I'm entitled to but the solicitor pointed out that once I'd left I wouldn't have any control over what happens anymore. So selling could be delayed and the place could be turned into a tip. Which it would be.

So I'm not sure what to do. I couldn't afford to live for very long without the proceeds of the house.

At the moment I'm having breathing difficulties which are being investigated. My chest x-ray came back clear; more tests tomorrow.

Love to you all and the strength to cope with the emotional problems in your lives.

Jan xxx

Mary_grace
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Edited

potmaid
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Hi all, I have a rather confusing situation that in that it was me who wanted a separation after 22 yrs married. I was diagnosed in feb 2002 with breast cancer, lump small, clear margins, no nodes effected. At the time it was tramatic and I empathise with all you ladies with young children as my youngest was 3 1/5 at the time. My husband was a help but mum came to stay and let him off the hook a little but we got through it, stronger than ever, determined to live life to the full ( well I was )Unfortunately my husband retreated to wallow in self pity and gradually stopped doing anything with either me and the kids. I got past my 5 years, breathed a sigh of relief and got on with life, not letting cancer even enter my thoughts. Things with my husband just slowly degenerated and in 2009, new years eve I asked my husband for a divorce. This shattered him and he turned very agressive and said I would never get him out of the house. I called the police over him twice as he went completely mad over the coming months and then had a breakdown. He with the help of a coucillor think I have post- cancer survivors syndrome, I had never heard of that. He said I changed after my 5 years was up and became more confident and outgoing and thats why i didn't want him...........he still resents and finds it painful to talk about my diagnosis has blamed that for a lot of things including the break up of our marriage. I though have a huge long list of why i have gradually fallen out of luv with him lol!!!!
My situation now is that he is still 1 1/5 years later, still living at home but i have been diagnosed with secondary cancer and he has become the most loving caring man, the man I married all those years ago..........such confusion as I still can't bring myself to love him again and hes being so nice almost to the point of being smothering. Not sure how it will all turn out, I can't go back to him just for gratitude but i have cancelled the divorce for the time being as neither of us need more stress and nor do th kids.
Sorry this is a long one but I wonder if anyone has been in this situation.
Confused from oxfordshire (Clare) 🐵

little_angel
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

my divorce came through the just hours before i had the biopsy - i have just gone through chemo and have rads to follow - would be happy to chat to any of you out there who are going through similar emotional hell re relationship and/or living alone with your kids

Gwendolyn
Member

Re: marriage breakdown during cancer treatment

Do go. You can also try 'wikivorce' site for free advice as they do a session once a week (or did when I was in your situation). I found it more stressful than BC. The only upside being that I dropped 3 dress sizes and have kept it off as I changed my life style along with man!Thinking of you though xxx