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mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi dot i hope you have a lovely time abroad i so wish it was me that was going. when is it you fly out? xx

hi ostrich how are you feel ing today? hope you are well xx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ostrich i think you are right it was perhaps too soon after kimo and it has taken a lot out of you. it sounds as though yous made the most of it. are you feeling better today? your ring sounds lovely and im delighted you could taste the lovely food. hope your well love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Ladies,

Lainey, I don't know what to say! Grrrrrr! Your employers make me mad! I want to ring them up and tell them what bar stewards they are! If your doc was to sign you off with stress beforehand there is diddly they could do but I do understand you feeling backed into a corner! Just try and get through the next week and then start putting yourself first and forget them!

Dot, I hope you get your pay sorted - if you owe'd them money they'd want it back straightaway! Why do they think we can wait weeks for our wages? Do they think its just pocket money?

Returned from London yesterday tea time but was bushed so didn't get on. Had a great time with our friends but was perhaps a little too early after kimo to be going away. Supped ginger beer all the way up in the car and sweated somewhat as determined to wear wiggy all weekend and not go bald. Arrived about 12 on Friday and then decision taken by the other 3 that we would check in to the hotel and not return until bed! For some reason this FEC I have hurt in places I didn't know it was possible too. Whilst I didn't feel any more unwell than normal all my skin, muscle and bones hurt so much that I couldn't be touched without it causing me agony! Felt fine other than normal kimo effects except when I tried to move or someone touched me. My breast bone, back of my neck and top of spine, stomach were worst and what with the feeling sick, kimo head and sludge mouth I had a rather painted on smile more than genuine when they decided we would stay out!

We went to the City for hubby's BF to buy a suit and then wandered around Spittlfields Market before heading off to St Katherine's dock and having a drink and food. We then went on a Jack the Ripper walking tour (hubby's BF's wife's birthday treat (!?) around Whitechapel before heading to Brick Lane for a curry. (Yummy cos I could taste it!!) We got back to the hotel at about midnight and I have to say I was shattered. Got up yesterday and went to Greenwich and stood on the timeline before wandering around the markets there where hubby brought me a gorgeous ring, sold silver and made from an old teaspoon. Sounds odd but it is gorgeous! Still ached in countless places but no temp so goodness knows what it is. GCSF perhaps though that normally only affects my bones in my legs.

Got home at teatime yesterday and I immediately changed into my slobbiest pjs and curled up in front of the fire with a glass of vino (1st I could manage that tasted like vino) and a slice of pizza.

Aches and pains have gone pretty much today so has sludge mouth so just going to slob in pjs and catch up on housework and catch up with 16 year old son home for weekend.

xxx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Lainey,your employers are disgusting! I want to write a letter to tell them what I think of them! Just hang in there and once your shifts are over just forget them until you feel better after your op.If I was you I would look for a change of job as I could never feel content with an employer that treated me that way.
I have quoted my trusts own policy to my pay dept that they wil pay any underpayment of wages over 5% ASAP,they denied it at first and then agreed to pay me when I said I had spoken to my union rep.
There is a hearing from my grievance this Thursday,I am unable to attend but my rep is brill and ready to fight them.It will probably end up going to a tribunal.I can do without that stress but I will not back down!
Take care,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Dot
xx
Ostrich,hope you have a lovely time!

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Dot thats the kind of luck i have. i have been in that position before aswell. our work if there are any errors can write out a personal cheque thankfully its never came to me needing them to do that but its good its there.. im an idiot when i 1st read your post i was reading OH as occ health for some stupid reason and thought that was nice of occ health letting you stress at them but didnt understand when you said about loving him??? oh dear i need a vodka and brain cells. i hope you have the best time ever when away as you so deserve it and more. im sure you will. just go away and make the most of every minute. when you come back i will be on theatre table prob having the best sleep in months lol. we arent going abroad this year although i could do with a holiday i want a new kitchen more so i will do that instead and may get a week somewhere near home. scared to plan just incase.
anyway i had a review with work yesterday and the tears as expected flowed well poured at 1 point union rep reminded me to breath i was sobbing so hard as i was asked what my op entails???? told them i have told them this b4 but they said it wasnt written down and they want to know so they can work out roughly when i will be back. i told them i will return when im 100% fit authorised by my consultant. found explaining the op very difficult. They said if i sign off b4 op i will be deemed incapable of work and my pay will be reduced and i will get disciplined on return,no annual leave availability,no unpaid leave availability. what they can authorise is my working this thurs and sat in place of next week so that would mean i work. thurs 10-6,fri 10-6,sat 7-6.30pm,sun 7-6.30pm. then off till after op so thats 9-10 days off. certainly not ideal but im backed into a corner so going to keep myself right and do it. hubby is furious with them. im just too tired and emotionally drained and unfit to argue love lainey xxx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Girls,

Well I survived my second morning.You are both right about people not knowing what to say.I suppose I may well have been the same before all this.It was just a bit daunting as they were the first people I met on Tuesday.
the bad news is that I got my payslip today (we are getting paid a week early after getting paid early at Christmas) and I was £300 short.Turns out they had guessed that I would still be off sick till the end of the month so put me on half pay from Monday! They are refusing to correct it until next month! Happy holidays to me!
We are off to Lanzarote a week today for a fortnight,so I get back on 12 Feb ,the day lainey has her op.
Glad you have LGFB sesion booked ,its really great.You should get similar freebies in your goodie bag!
lainey,I hope the review goes OK ,take the tissues and let them see what they are doing to you,I just think your bosses are heartless b's.You have to hope they get their comeupance(sp) one day.
It is hard for our OHs but we are so scared ourselves its hard for us to see it.I certainly have taken things out on my OH and he now just kinda takes it and lets me calm down again.Its just our fears and frustrations coming out and those closest to us get it!
I am having a lunch/retail therapy day tomorrow with a colleague so that will be nice..............would have been even nicer if I had some money!
Lainey,keep your chin up (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love,
Dot
xx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Ostrich we had an amazing rep but she left a few weeks ago due to family bereavement. the other guy is as useful as a chocolate fireplace. i have left messages for him to get back to me and no luck. going to call unison headquarters today. i def want to speak to them about it prior to meeting. hubby has cried on a number of occassions about this and has great friends i know he speaks to about it. i cant imagine how he must feel as if he was undergoing a huge op i would be terrified. lots of tlc needed for him over the next few weeks also i think. its easy to forget they are suffering too. love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Lainey,

Know what you mean re feeling uncomfortable as to what to say, I think we've all been there. I have been into work bald recently and a couple of people have said hello back when I have said hello to them and I've walked away thinking they either don't recognise me without hair or are unsure what to say. One sat in the same room as me chatting to others for about 15 mins before piping up and saying he hadn't realised it was me whilst another sent me a message on facebook saying he hadn't recognised me either. The others haven't said anything but probably walked away and then thought "OMG, its Kate!" and couldn't think how to come and say anything to me. Others have just said "Hi" as if they are used to seeing me bald!

I think its good that you will be having this review tomorrow to get things out in the open before you leave for your Op so there's no misunderstandings. Will you have a union rep with you and are they any good? Will you be meeting the rep first to discuss what your rights are, what you want, what they can ask of you etc?

We always take things out on those nearest to us dont we and then end up feeling awful afterwards. I am sure that he loves you enough to understand that. Have you asked him how he feels about it? I know its happening to you but its also happening to him and he may be so busy listening to how you feel that he could do with having his thoughts heard too? Sod the rest of the family who don't want to talk about it! They aren't there when you need them.

Thank goodness you can have HRT after (all being well). Since my Op for a few weeks and now again in the last few weeks I have been having horrid night sweats and they are driving me insane! Just hope the chemo will kill off my ovaries quickly (hasn't done yet and am still having periods!!!) and that I won't have a long drawn out menopause on the tamoxifen etc and then perhaps one afterwards if I haven't gone through it properly on the tamoxifen! Can't have HRT so will just have to suffer!

xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

ostrich i hope you have a lovely time away i so wish it was me,

dot thats great your time back at work went well i think when people say hi asthough you have never been away is because they are stuck for what to say. we know that doesnt help however i felt very uncomfy a few years ago with a friend who was diagnosed at 27yrs old with cancer. i honestly didnt know what to say so i rudely said hi and walked on i did sit and think about what to say and went back to her and gave her a hug.i exp i felt strange. i hate admitting that but i did. my aunt has been to a few of those classes dot and got freebies last year.

well my work called to day to say im getting an absence review tomorrow at 2pm to discuss my next absence so i have called the union as i do need the review and it will be my chance to tell high management how i feel. definately taking the kleenex. unsupportive arses.
anyway away from BG i am getting a whole lot better. the medication is working well. only prob is for the past 2 nights i have woke up and lie there crying and cant get back to sleep. i was at the computer at 4 am looking at my operation date on paper. i dont know why i continue to punish myself.I know im struggling and yesterday i was irate for nothing hubby wound me up so much i really wanted to go off on 1 at him. when i say wound me up he done nothing except listen to me. what else can he do? i dont know what i expect but its asif i expect him to take it all away. i now feel shit that i acted this way. what a vicious circle. family are annoying me also as they believe by not speaking about my fears it will go away. sorry ladies 1 of those blooming familiar days again.

1 positive is i will be given hrt afterthey test my bits for cancer cant even say the word. that will help me as menopause stinks. love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Dot,

Glad to hear your first day back went well, hoping today goes well too!

They don't have Maggie's centres down here but my local hospice do them and I have one for the 6th Feb (4 days before my last kimo and as am sprouting hair etc on lashes, head etc could probably have done with it sooner but no spaces, still will help me get the brows and lashes right for when I go back to work - hoping beginning of March all being well). Hope they do freebies!

Can't remember where you are going on your hols and when? I hate automated stuff with a vengance - put real people back on the phones who WILL transfer you to the right dept straight away not put you off into the ether to float around!

I bet Lainey knows something about all that mind you I have always found British Gas very good when I have phoned up to get someone out.

Am resting today with my only jobs being the mountain of paperwork I have sat next to me, cooking a shepherd's pie for the kiddies to eat this weekend whilst me and hubby are in London and packing for me and hubby!

xxx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi gang!

Sorry I haven't been on much. I survived my first morning at work!
I woke at 6am ,afraid to sleep in!
Going in the dept was worst as the first few people I bumped into just said "Hi" like they had just seen me the day before.However I soon came across some "friends" who gave me big hugs and were genuinely pleased to see me back.As far as actual work was concerned ,I managed the basics and it was all coming back to me slowly.All in all, I actually enjoyed it,I could get used to 3 hr days! LOL!
Afterwards I went to my Maggies Centre for a "Look Good Feel better" session.It was fabulous,we all got a big goodie bag full of full size cosmetics and got to try them all out with help from beauty consultants.It was great fun and it was especially nice to see the ladies who have lost their hair being made up and having eyebrows pencilled in.I always wear make-up ,I am never seen outside without my slap on but it was nice to get professional tips.One of the experts was male and he was a scream,he had just the right attitude to get us all relaxed.
Ostrich/Jenny have a look on their website and see if there are any sessions near you,its definitely worth it.The freebies alone are worth about £100!
Look Good Feel Better.
I had a sh*t day today as we realised our flight tickets hadn't arrived so I spent 90mins getting through on the phone to be told they have gone missing.I was also told my luggage allowance was only 15kg.Thats not enough for me especially with all my new make-up LOL! So I spent another 90mins getting my luggage allowance increased.The auto mated phone thingies kept sending me round in circles and directing me to the website where the tab they said to press was non existant.Then I would get through only to be told I had the wrong number and get given another number which would take 20mins to answer! Then they would tell me I had the wrong number,ARRGGHHH!
Lainey,its good your op has been brough forward as the waiting is really the worst.But do take care of yourself and get fit for your op.
Ostrich ,glad your kimo went ok and the veins behaved at last,it must make such a difference.I wish I had your energy! Do get some rest though while your body is under the kimo.
I have work againtomorrow so will be back on in the afternoon hopefully,
Hugs,
Dot
xxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

I agree with your Doc and blimey 16 hours is a very long time - you will be knackered after that! I thought 6 hours was long! Promise you will go and get a sick note next week before the end of the month so you at least get 10 days rest prior too your op? Have you thought about what you will be packing to take in with you? There are some good tip threads but think they may be scattered around but there is at least one that has some good ideas as to what to take for mx/recon/long stay in hossy.

Very tired today as rushed around this morning and hoovered, washed floor, washed bedding, cleaned 1 of 3 loos, cooked dinner and all before 9am, may have spent rest of day on bottom either playing Wii or talking to my mum but after walking up to get Abbie from school at 4.15 I suddenly feel like I have been hit by a bus. Am going to spend all of tomorow on my bum charging batteries for London trip on Friday,

xx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ostrich thats great they got the vein 1st time, is it only 1 more kimo session left? Peoples noses were prob bothering them when you got into the police car. i hope you start to feel better soon.
when i was at docs yesterday he asked if i work when i said i do he asked if i was still working now i told him hols have been refused and he said a lot of managers are jobs worths and if it was him he would be signing himself off. he said technically i am ill just now with this chest infection but if i was well i should still sign off as i have to take loads of rest where possible to prepare the body for such a huge op. i will be under for around 16 hours. i think he wanted me to ask for a sick note and i actually believe he felt sorry for me. but miss independant here didnt.he has given me food for thought as he also said since i will be off for months after the op a few weeks prior to it would not make a difference. i dont feel as bunged up today but am going to stay indoors now to try and get better. i have upted all the vitamins. love lainey xxxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi,

Lainey, that must have been a shock but at least you wont be waiting so long! Almost time to get signed off with the stress pre-op don't you think? Especially as you are ill right now anyway and will need to give your body chance to recover from this infection in order to cope with the surgery well.

Kimo went well. They got a vein first time (yipee!) so fluids and gloves worked! Got a ride home in a police car afterwards - gawd knows what people would have thought seeing a bald (although slightly fluffy) woman walk out the front of the hossy and climb into a police car! Feeling fuzzy and a bit sick today but bearable!

Dot, you okay?

Jenny?

xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

ostrich its only natural you will put on weight given what they put into your body. also i think as soon as we stop working it goes on. you are nearly there honey x

dot i hope you got on well today but i bet it was difficult x
jenny how are you? x

well i got a call from hospital today saying im getting admitted on 11th feb and op on 12th almost 3 weeks early. went into panic but i have arranged to meet my bcn etc on 04th or 5th cant remember. im so scared now. went to doc today as im gradually getting worse and i got antibiotics and a nasal spray thing. he took my blood pressure and confirmed infection is in my chest. but he said i should feel better by the end of the week. yipee xxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Girlies!

Good luck today for your radio zapping Jenny! I forgot you didn't have chemo before your radio - I am still bald underarms and down below (but have hair growing on my head!).

Hope work went okay today Dot and you enjoyed your Maggies session.

Hope you are feeling better Lainey. x

I got weighed yesterday before my 5th FEC this arvo and I have put on a stone since my dx!!! *sob* Its all this sitting on my bum and steriod induced snacking and lack of exercise! Am intending to take up running after my last chemo as thats what lost me weight before (not that I can run much further than to the end of the road and back but its enough to get my heart pumping and me sweating so it works and I get a little bit further each time)!

I am off to London on Friday for the weekend so hoping I don't feel too rough after chemo today. Have spent today drinking gallons of tea and other (non-alcoholic) liquids and wearing gloves in an attempt to get my veins to play ball later but it seems to have had the reverse effect as they are barely visible now!

xxx

Jennyg
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi girls... just a quick one before bed...
start the radoptherapy tomorrow - yikes - not really looking forward to it, but not as worried about it now following the tattoo sesh I had the other week.. even so - not looking forward to the no shaving and no deodrant under the arm the side they are zapping - smelly and hairy for three weeks + does not appeal ( for once am relieved to be single!)
Anyway am zonked now, so will check back in over the next few days.
Lainey - sorry I still havent sent you snap shot of boob (!) but honestly its just a boob with no nipple - it really doesnt look any worse than that, as I retained all the outer skin excpet for the nipple area... but i promise I will get round to it for you!
Let us know how the kimo goes wont you Ostrich?
Dot - congrats on the laptop - Id love one instead of sitting at a cumbersome desk all the time -would free up some space!!
speak soon all
xxxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Girlies,

Good luck for tomorrow Dot, take it easy on yourself! My friend is a nurse and talking to her I have been shocked by how little support/perks there is for NHS staff - you'd have thought you'd have jumped every queue not just from a "taking care of your own" point of view but because it would make economic sense to get staff treated quickly!

Lainey, hope you are feeling better soon in terms of your virus and I agree with Dot, do what you have to to get them off your back but put yourself first!

Had rubbish time at hossy today for bloods and Onc appt - appt was at 11 and I didn't get to see Onc (who in fact was his registrar who was a total waste of space as he didn't know what my brown spots are on my palms and soles) until 2.15!!! It also took 3 attempts to get blood from my arm because as the lady kindly said "you're veins are hard and thin aren't they?" which fills me with dread for tomorrow when they attempt to find a vein that will cope with the chemo!

Oh well, off to drink lots of liquid to try and plump my veins up for tomorrow's 5th poisoning! One more to go then!

Oh and forgot to say, had wound dressed today by my friend and its getting much smaller and there is new pink SKIN!!!! - she reckons I could be healed within 3 to 6 weeks! Bath here I come! Listen out for the splash!!!

xxx speak soon, O, x

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi dot, they dont deserve me. its strange though as i am so aware life is too short to put up with shit yet i let them get to me. glad you are feeling more hopeful about tomorrow but just dont put too much stress onto yourself. its so not worth it. thats ideal having a class straight after work utter bliss. well im going back to bed i have been there all day to try and help shift this sordid virus. crazy how when the body is run down its illness after illness. i will be thinking of you tomorrow. lots of love lainey xxx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Girls,

Just been out and bought a new laptop as the old one crashed again.can't really afford it but what the heck! Its my life line! Got a nice Sony vaio in Tescos of all places!
I went out is a snowy blizzard...........I NEED A LAPTOP!
Ostrich,nice to see you back,glad you had a good time and gots loads of therapy,shame the NHS don't do the same for their staff!
I am like you ,my r arm is weak due to my reluctance to use it.I hope to refer myself to staff physio when I get back to work tomorrow.Appts for the Breast Unit Physio seem to be like gold dust and I haven't worked out what to do to get one yet! Or who to bribe LOL!
In some ways I am looking forward to getting back to work and in another I am sh*t scared.But I suppose that is natural.I could never have said I was looking forward to it last month so thats a good sign that I feel ready now.
Just heard another member of staff is pregnant so that means more strain on the dept.

Lainey,I cannot believe your bosses are such sh*ts.To treat you like that after all you have been through and are facing is disgusting!
You need to concentrate on you and your family.Just do the minimum you have to do to keep work off your back.Maybe dream of the nice little job and employers you are going to find after this is over and you are feeling stronger again.You know what? They don't deserve you!

Think of me tomorrow ,facing work! At least I have a look good feel good session booked at Maggies after I finish work at 12 so thats something to look forward to.

Take care,
Hugs
Dot
xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Sleep well, hope you feel better soon xx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

i know ostrich as i was in tears this morning purely because i had to face work today. im really unwell too as i have a stupid virus im sure its that 1 everyone was getting around xmas. had to work through it today too.going to have a lemsip and early night as this 12hr shift on a sun knackers me. speak soon. love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Good idea hon, you need some time to stop thinking about work, concentrate on you and your family and take deep cleansing, relaxing breaths beforehand, xxxxxxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

yes ostrich im going to go to work as near op as i can then get signed off perhaps a week or 2 b4 because i am an emotional wreck.xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Lainey, what about going to see your GP and getting signed off now or going to see him and getting signed off shortly before your op? The emotional state you are in I am sure your GP would sign you off then you wont have to worry about your bleeding uncaring employers?

I hope your manager never has a BC scare or dx! God would she feel humble and stupid!

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

i think she could fit a bus up there, i felt like head butting her as she always plays it down. she even commented she was surprised i had requested annual leave as i only work 2 days a week. i start to question myself if i should need time off but i do i dont want to be there just now. if they treated me better i would still want a little time of. i dont want to sit in amongst collegues the weekend b4 speaking to customers. im totally against a rock and a hard place. xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

I'd tell your manager where to stick the receiver! Make sure you get a sick note from the hospital when you leave and then you can send that to them, they should have no need to contact you until you are ready to go back to work and be signed fit to work again unless they want to bring you choccies/flowers and show genuine concern for you. If your manager can't fit the receiver in the appropriate place perhaps shove the sick note there instead!!

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ostrich, i have thought that of them on many occassions. in my op they use my tummy muscle,fat,skin and tissue. they then use net in my tummy to prevent hernias etc. i will be recovering for a while with the tummy scar and 2 breasts. my manager asked if she can call the hospitall only once a week for an update??????? ostrich i know they are being ridiculous as i think they want me to leave. love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Ah Lainey, the dangers of google! Researching stuff can be scary! That said horrid though the info you found out must be I think given the fact that its an op research is vital so that you are fully aware of everything! I still remember my meeting with the BCN where she told me about my op in graphic detail. I honestly felt faint and had to keep sipping on a glass of water to stop me passing out!

Shame BG don't make such a fuss about their employees as they claim to care about their customers! Have they put any pressure on you re going back afterwards?

The tummy ops are very long and you'll need a long time to recover what with both boobs going and being rebuilt! I think from what I can remember the free tram flap means they are not using your tummy muscle and leaving it attached so you wont have the added delay to recovery of having your tummy muscle moved, is that right?

Don't worry about the tears, I was so "I'm fine" prior to my op that I think it scared people when I fell down holes afterwards, getting your crying done now will hopefully mean you will have reached some degree of acceptance by the time the date arrives and not be so low afterwards because you didn't actually stop and think about the enormity of it beforehand.

xxxxxxx (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ostrich its so nice to have you back, it sounds as though you had a great time although im the same i wouldnt have wanted to be away from home too long either. i remember my father in law went away to a place much as you have described as he slid and pulled ligaments on his leg resulting in an op. he said he was treated amazing.good to know there are still employers that look after there staff. thats amazing how much you have came on but rubbish advice from BCN. thats typical though isnt it? was your daughter glad to have you home again i bet she missed you like mad.xx

im just the same unfortunately i have not had a tear free day since date was confirmed. i done the stupid thing of looking my recon operation up online== big mistake..ita a free tram flap i am having and i felt sick. anyway my days are more worse thanks to British Gas as i applied for the weekend b4 op off as i cant be bothered putting a face on for others just now and i will be worse nearer the time. they have refused saying there is no availability and i need to be there or my absence stage will go to a 3 which means bye bye lainey. they told me that yest and i burst into tears. so i do a 8hr shift fri,12hr sun booked in wed and op thurs. must remember my thank you card to them tomorrow..love lainey xx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Ladies!!

Hope you are all well and that Dot and Lainey are doing okay today with their worries. (((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))

Had a good week in rehab, not as good as it could have been had I not had my wound as I would have got hydrotherapy and water exercises in as well but the physio was amazing and its a shame I couldn't stay for my second week next week. The physio did lots of deep tissue massage on my back where things were stuck following my LD recon and on my shoulder where things have got stiff and numb. My arm movement is now almost 95% of what it was! I can do that exercise where you stand in front of a wall and walk your hands up completely now and stand with my nose against the wall! My back is only a teeny bit stuck now and I have much more feeling in my shoulder so much so that I can lie on my mx side without it feeling odd!

I have some good exercises I can do to keep the movement going and get some more by loosening up my pec on that side which has tightened up from initial reluctance to use the arm and means that I can't straighten my arm at the elbow completely when I stretch my arm up.

I can go back for another 2 week session after chemo and when my wound is healed if I want but to be honest much as the food was glorious and it was nice chatting to all the other coppers there I don't really want to go away from home for 2 weeks so am going to investigate a private physio or sports massage therapist through my BCN on the advice of my physio to have some more deep tissue massage because it really has done wonders and the massage feels great! (and I reckon waiting for physio on the NHS would take months!) I would certainly recommend it to anyone still suffering!

Have to say am a little peeved at the docs and BCNs who have said when I mentioned my arm movement (it was at about 75%) "be patient" as the physio said that had I had physio sooner I would have got back to normal quite quickly and doing nothing, just waiting, wouldn't ever unstick my back etc just make it harder to release.

Nice to be back and able to waffle away at you 🙂

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi dot, it will be a huge step with you going back to work but take it easy.i think im doing okay i still cry everyday but then thats just the realisation i think. i am speaking to a girl who has had it done tonight. not sure if it will make me worse but prepared to try anything. im just run down with it all just now. doesnt help i have mammogram in a few weeks either. tried getting out of it but they are having none of it. i think i feel quite lonely just now. surrounded by love but still lonely. and a sense of fearfullness. just trying to let everyday pass and see what tomorrow brings. i def need a boot up the backside. love lainey xx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi,

Thanks Lainey,I have had so much time off in the last 2 years or so.Since Dec 2006 I have only worked 9 months and most of that was phased returns after orthopaedic surgery.Our dept is so short staffed as well there will be added pressure.I am having a phased return starting just a couple of mornings ,monitored by Occ Health.When I go back another member of staff is due to leave and another goes on maternity leave so the staffing will be even worse.
I have appt with Occ Health tomorrow so will get everything in writing,what I can and cannot do.
How are you? I am not good with words but wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you.
Hugs
Dot
xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi dot,

i think it's natural you are worrying about going back to work. i think you have been through so much that it must be an awful thought trying to get back to some type of normality.its the same in our place everything changes so quickly and if im honest i havent taken to changes that were made when i was off in august as i feel its too much. hopefully your work will be patient and understanding though. are you going back on reduced hours or anything? love lainey xx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi,

Ostrich, hope you are having a lovely time in rehab! make the most of it,as Lainey says you deserve it!

lainey,I hope you are OK,the waiting is just so hard.I only had to suffer 2 weeks of pre-op terror! I can only begin to think how it is for you.Hopefully the time will pass and you will soon be on here with your hospital tales!

I am now suffering pre-return to work terror! I couldn't sleep last night and my mind was all over the place.Now its morning I feel better,but its awful at 3am when I am convinced I have liver mets,lung mets etc etc..........
My concentration is very poor so I am worried about managing at work as I will need refreshers/retraining.Its probably just due to "stay at home brain".

Jenny,hope you are well.

Love to all,

Dot
xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ladies,

your words are so true i have to accept my feelings are natural and this is how i am. my friend pointed out today if i dont say how i feel and bottle it up it will be worse after op as those around me will be surprised thinking i had been coping fine. i went into the car last night and had been crying most of yesterday and that suddenly song was on (the 1 from neihjbours where scot and charlene got married years ago) one line in it says " suddenly your seeing me just the way i am " and that was it as gradually im expressing my fears to loved ones. i try and carry on as normal then i lose it. but im going to stop beating myself up and let it all sink in that in a matter of weeks it will be over with. oh i cant wait till it's by with.

i hope you have a lovely time in rehab its always great getting away to recharge the batteries esp if it includes 5 star luxury
and you certainly deserve to be pampered. lots of love to you, jenny and dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Have fun Ostrich!

Dot
xxx
More extra special hugs for Lainey ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Last day at home today before I go to rehab (I was going to put a few words from Amy Winehouse's song here but I am too old to know them for sure,LOL) tomorrow. Its in Goring on Thames (geography being rubbish it could be Outer Mongolia cos I have no idea where it is so thank god for sat nav) and I'm going to be there probably until Sunday next week.

Hopefully I will come back able to use my mx arm fully and it would be great if I can get some feeling back in my back! Fortunately they have a 5 star restaurant and bar so I won't have to give up the vino like in real rehab!

My wound is still healing and in fact my nurse friend said though she's not religious the healing thats been going on in the last week or two is nothing short of miraculous and it could even be healed in a month! Hello bubbles!! The whole world is gonna know when I am up to my neck in it, so to speak!

Take care of yourselves this next week, I don't think they have tinternet there so I will be bereft of reading all the posts and knowing what you are all up to and feeling and will miss you all lots.

Lainey, extra special hugs this week, xxxxxxxxx

O, xxxxxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Ladies,

Sorry not been on.

Lainey, ((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))) you will be ok honey. You can't stop feeling how you are feeling. You can't rationalise how you are feeling. You can't explain to anyone not facing what you are how you are feeling. You are entitled to feel anyway you want. Feeling something is far more healthy than feeling nothing. Try not to worry about how you are feeling - just accept how you are feeling at any given time and give yourself permission to feel that way. When you are feeling ok hug and kiss the people you love and who are supporting you and apologise (if you feel you need to) - they love you (as we do) and will forgive you and you can make it up to them on your good days or hours or afterwards. When you are feeling rotten/angry/sad then if you tell yourself its okay to feel like that and it will pass then you might not feel so bad about it and compound how you are feeling.

Its corny but true - time is a great healer. You've seen me, Dot and Jenny in the bottom of horrid emotional holes that at times I personally never thought I would get out of, I know I face more holes along the road and accept that and make the most of the time when I am not in a hole. When I look back at the holes I have been in I never thought I would feel okay again but I do. Somewhere down the line you will reach a level of acceptance and eventually contentment with your decision and treatment and thankfully this will seem an eternity ago and you won't quite remember how truly awful you felt. Our minds are great like that - time dims the memories - otherwise we would never ........ have more children, more surgery, more anything which can be awful.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi jenny, I am terrified about so many things such as 1- going to prevent cancer when i may never get it,2- leaving kiddies without a mum if something goes wrong and i was fine anyway,3 wakening up being told i have cancer,4- not being able to cope with what i go through,5- hating new breasts..
my family with faulty gene all stay far away and are dealing with it together, i feel so alone, mum cant speak about it as she well i dont know what's up with her. she has never been maternal.
you are right friends and hubby can empathise but dont understand how scared i am. i blame myself for a lot of that as i dont want to tell them constantly how im feeling i dont want to hurt them. i know hubby is terrified but sometimes i wish i didnt have to do this. im very lucky i have a godsend of a hubby where others dont but i do appreciate that. but sometimes i feel like telling everyone to get lost and not speak to me as i get so angry with life. yest at work i perhaps said about 30/40 words in total in a 10hr shift to my friends. as i was so angry at them for not knowing how i felt. and i hate feeling this way as im lucky i have had fore warning of something that may happen but it's hard as im not sure if they will find cancer. in lots of ways im 1 lucky girl and beat myself up as i may appear ungrateful as i know many lovely strong woman such as you's who would have gladly had a warning of cancer and could have prevented it and here i am moaning. love lainey xxxx

Jennyg
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Lainey ... you are about 4 months behind me. I was in your shoes EXACTLY in terms of how I was feeling . I hope you find some comfort, as I did, from this site - because as much as your friends may empathise with you - its only the women on here that KNEW how I was really feeling and I spent HOURS going through all the relevant threads on here in August... and it did help a little bit. Please believe me when I assure you that you will be ok. yes it is totally terrifying - I was beside myself with fear - its like you are in a waking nightmare - the terror is immense ( or was for me ) I only found out really after my mastectomy that I had proper cancer . Until they told me clearly in my follow up appointment with my local breast centre after my op that the lump they took out was proper malignant and not borderline did I realise how serious it all was - and then I was glad Id had it done. My new boob looks really ok considering what i had seen on google images ( dont look)
I know this sounds weird, but if you want , I can email a photo of it - if you send me your email address on a pm. And Im happy to call you and chat any time you need to talk it through with someone who knows precisely how you are feeling. It may seem strange to speak to a complete stranger but it might help.
I got myself in such a stew when i checked into hospital the night before the op that one of the nurses asked me if Id like to speak to another lady who had the same op as me and was in the bed opposite me. She was happy to sit with me as I sobbed and shook and told me she felt fine and was pleased with her op etc and it did give me some strength.
what are you MOST worried about in all of this? What is the most upsetting part for you? maybe I can reassure you somehow?

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Lainey,I wish I had an answer but all we can do is be here for you and tell you that you are not a baby OR losing it!
Well maybe losing it a bit (LOL!) but that is OK ,you will get your head together again.Just think of your brain a a filing cabinet and at the moment the filing clerk is off on holiday! Things are all over the place and it will take time to find everything a place in the filing cabinet! LOL! This was used at my stress class,well OK it was abit more in depth but thats all I can remember!
Try and find something to concentrate on for at least a short time,be it TV,reading,cooking, even paint all your nails just to distract you for a wee while.
Then a soak in a bath and then bed.
Take care,
Dot
xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

dot im all over the place today. i honestly cant think straight. hope that feeling settles. i think its worse though that im also menopausal as im suffering quite bad just now with that also. or maybe im trying to find an excuse for losing it xx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hey you are not being a baby,you are strong but understandably nervous and afraid.I think it would be very unnatural to not be afraid ,in fact I would be very worried about you!
You can do this ,waiting is the worst part as at least once the op is over you can just concentrate of recovering and getting pampered!
Although you are "lucky" not to have cancer you are unlucky enough to have been dealt a poor hand with your dodgy gene and are facing a living nightmare at the moment.We are not in the same boat as you but we can understand your fears.
Love n hugs
Dot
xxx

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi ladies, i hope you's are well

my day has been rubbish today to be honest i have been really low the past few days, i think realisation is setting in now. i got a call yest from hosp trying to arrange a time to meet with bcn,pain doc etc etc and since then have went into panic mode. i was so bad hubby had to come home from work yest. cant get my head round this at all. i know i will be better when it's over with but that's not helping now. i have cried most of today at work and even crying again as i type this. wish i wasnt doing it all, wish i could cope better and stop being such a baby.i have so many worries in my head i fear it might explode. im lucky not to have cancer and im sorry i may sound ungrateful but i cant not do this but oh i dont know what i was going to write. going for a cuppa
xx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi gang!

Jenny glad the nice man squashed your nipple........oops sorry niggle LOL!
I really feel that I turn into a quiet wee mouse at appts and don't ask the right questions or say how I am really feeling or what is worrying me.I am going to try and write down the questions I want answered at my next appt and hopefully won't leave until they are answered.I tried that before but the bit paper stayed in my bag for some reason.I don't want to be seen as a pest,or even worse a neurotic pest!
You will soon be counting down the rads like ostrich has counted down her chemos.
Glad they plan to sort your dogears and do some lipo,hopefully I will be offered that after I have "waited".My boob has taken on a "Posh spice" look with a very full upper half that seems to jut out straight from my chest rather than a gradual slope,if you see what I mean? Instead of dropping over time mine seems to be rising!
I also get an ache around my op side which unfortunately is my right side so I begin to panic that its my liver!

Ostrich,thats some steak! Hope you feel better soon!

As for the tears ,maybe we could get jobs as product testers for tissue companies or mascara manufacturers................has anyone found a really waterproof mascara?

lainey,hope you are ok,

Love
Dot
xxx

ostrich
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Hi Ladies,

Just read your post Jenny and thought the last bit said that the "nice man at the hospital yesterday squashed my nipple" so had to re-read it! Mind you had that been true I wouldn't have blamed you for feeling better about the rads 🙂

Just a quickie to say hi really as have to go and visit my mum as her dog is sick before taking youngest to the dentist at lunchtime. Also can't sit and type for long as have bad bum caused by eating a 16oz t-bone steak last night! I never realised how big 16oz is and was gobsmacked when the plate arrived! It was all I could do to eat the meat so I only had 3 chips and a spoonful of salad to go with it! I told my OH that I must have a problem with size and envisaging how big something is! He wasn't amused! LOL!

Speak to you later, xx

Jennyg
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

hi girlies.... I dont think I have ever cried so much in my life as I have done these last 8 months !! And now everything sets me off !!
anyway today I saw the plastic surgeon who was happy with the recon now its settled down a bit. Its still quite a lot bigger than the other one so he has asked me to go back in 6 months to plan some lypo on the breast as well as on the 'dog ears' either side of the stomach scar. I dont know if I will be bothered with more surgery but he says it will probably be in and out on the same day ... so may feel differently by then.
I do feel a bit better about the rads now... nice man at the hospital yesterday quashed my niggle....

anon1
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

you do feel alone dot, i sometimes feel im a tiny person in a huge buzzing world and invisible at times.
im dressed, had breakfast,tidied house.
now going to relax
xx

dotchas
Member

Re: mastectomy & recon on 22nds Sept - totally Terrified aged 38

Re sad music,I burst into tears in Morrisons a few months ago when they played a tune that had been played a friends funeral.Then again at sainsburys just before christmas when primary school children were singing carols.I am sure there are many people feeling the same be it for illness ,bereavement or whatever.But you just feel so alone don't you?
Hopefully next year(this year!) we will all feel different.
I am still sitting in Pjs so must go get dressed and do something! LOL!

Love
dot
xxx