on an emotional rollercoaster

[Ali49]

Thats great news Bev! Rads will be over before you know it xx

[ladybowler]

Bev

Thats fantastic news so pleased for you.  When you know your start dates come over to going through treatment, radiotherapy thread where you will get loads of support from the ladies who are going it as well.

Helena xxx

[Bev H]

update, had results of post of ct scan today, remaining lymph system clear all nasties removed YEAY! Am waiting for date for radiotherapy, but with that news can concentrate on my exercises, getting mind and body fit. Know there is still some way to go but one hell of a positive to hang onto. x

[Bev H]

Thanks for your kind replies, reassuring to know am not on my own. Have re evaluated what is important to me, cancer is certainly a life changer in more ways than one.

Previously work had been taking over my life - nurse/manager in a care home, long hours, never really able to switch off, a job I love, however spending time away from it has made me question just how important it is to me. Felt it was part of my identity a big part of who I am. Felt very lost when I intially left work to start treatment. Have received fantastic support and understanding from my boss and colleagues. Have spoken to them and have full support in my decision to step down from manager post, reduce hours and responsibilities and to return in  role of nurse. To be honest the longer I am away from work the less I want to go back - never thought I would think like that, I have been nursing since I was 18. Am contemplating a complete change, but will go back and see how it goes, I may change my mind once am back in amoungst it all again. Have called in at work during my time off, nice to know I have been missed. Big hugs to all x

[Ali49]

Hi Bev. I presume you have had chemo before your op and that is where i am now. Just had 3rd fec and facing 4 docetaxol with herceptin and permuzetab!

The emotional swings are huge and i also feel very different from the real me - but i know that the real me is still in here somewhere!

I also hadxa night this week where i felt completely lost, angry and scared and the only real place i could express it was on the sept/ october chemo threads - because i know people understand just how i am feeling!!

My mum has dementia too and lives with us. She worries about me all the time and like you i have glimpses of my old mum at times when i need it!

I really hope you feel a bit better as the day goes on today but you have been through so much and can just allow yourself these times!

Talking to my friend who has finished treatment 3 weeks ago and has been feeling down this week she said i wish i could move away where nohody knows what i have been through and just go back to being me!! I think we all feel this!

Lots of love xx

[ladybowler]

Bev

No wonder you feel the way you do, not only are you dealing with the after effect of the op, the aneasthetic will still be in your body so that will not be helping, but you have had all the other thing happening in your life.

It is very early days, the emotions from what has happened are still very raw.  You are still you that has not gone away, just been a bit interrupted at the moment, give yourself some time and space to adjust, you do not have to be brave, one step at a time and you will get there honestly.

There is a section Going Through Treatment where you meet ladies who have had mastectomy's who will be help to help and support because the one thing is for sure, on here we all get you and can totally relate to the way you are feeling.

Sending you a big hug.

Helena xxx

[DPD]

Hi You are certainly riding the roller coaster and can relate. You have only just had surgery and that will have your emotions s all over the place You will come through this! It all seems very unreal &I I can't quite believe it is happening! One day at a time

[Bev H]

Am two weeks post op - mastectomy and axilla clearance today. Emotionally all over the place. Don't know whether am trying to prove to me or everyone else that am okay and getting on with day to day life.

I don't feel like me anymore, I look in the mirror and see a stranger, whole new body image. Hair changed - is growing back but hasn't been this short since I was 5 - am now 55. Have gained weight, and have this interesting purple line where my right boob used to be. I don't know this person I see in the mirror. I still sound like me and can still have a giggle but I sure as hell don't feel very meish. Everyone telling me how  well am doing, how brave I have been and how I can't let it beat me. Right now I don't feel brave just lost.

Today had been going ok. Been out for a walk and spent time with a friend. Got into tonight bed and just started crying.

Other things going on in family, my auntie had a massive stroke and passed the day before my op. My Mum's neighbour I have known since I was 3 passed suddenly 3 days after my op. Mum has early stage dementia - came over to look after me for the first week - not sure who was looking after who! But when I fell apart couple days post op I had my Mum back again, comforting and reasuuring me.

My son has been brilliant, he is 21 and fighting his own demons with depression.

Feel better for getting all that out. I know there will be an end to all this and I will be okay again.

Thanks for being here. I am finding reading posts on the forum very useful and reassuring.

Going to try an find a comfy spot and try to sleep. x