overwhelmed with fear

[madamjojohunt]

Thank you all for taking time to reply and help me. I have wonferful support behind me, family and friends but it is always a comfort to speak to people going through it with me, and hearing from those who sre through it aswell. Such strong ladies and i hope to gain strength along the way to.
Thank you all & lots of hugs right back atcha xx

[jenny29]

Hi JoJo and all

Another link for some short relaxation or meditation exercises

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/podcasts/

Even if you may not feel in the right space for this now, it's worth a go at some point. Just a few minutes, 5minutes, 10 minutes.

Your post brought memories back for me as well. Most of the time I can talk about it fine but sometimes when I verbalise it I can still get a little tearful. And I get  anxious when I go in for checkups. As ministerel says, take someone with you if you can. You will get through it.

[Minsterel]

Morning Jo,

Go with your gut feeling - if you don't want to know, that's fine. If, however you need information so that you know what you are dealing with, then say so. Do take someone with you whatever you decide! Two pairs of ears are always better than one.

Remember that there are many of us who have trodden your road and come through it. You can too. This period of uncertainty really is the worst part of the whole journey. 

When you are worrying, write it down. If it is a question, post it here. We will try and help. Do something you enjoy doing today and then tell us aout it! Above all, be kind to yourself. 

Many virtual hugs from France.

[madamjojohunt]

Thanks jayne
i was wondering wether or not to hear the scan results from my onco visit next week as my appointment today was rescheduled for next week now as not all the results are back. Maybe just go ahead with the treatment as the way im handling it isnt good or do i just need to get a grip?
Ive stopped the googling to and just stick to this forum.
Thanks and fantastic you have recovered.
jo x

[jayney234]

Just wanted to say "Hi".  I so remember that feeling and it took me back a year.  I had to take diazepam whilst waiting for scan and I sobbed all the way through it.  I made the Onco promise not to tell me the results as I couldn't cope with it.  I really know how you are feeling but I am 1 year down the road and waiting for my reconstruction.  It really is doable and although scarey, horrible and frightening you will get through it.  Just remember how many woman tread your path and are ok.  That's all you need to focus on.  Take care and don't google!!!

[Jo_BCC]

Hi madamjojohunt

Sorry to hear you had a meltdown, but you did the right thing by going and seeking help from Macmillan straight away, I hope you're feeling a bit more yourself now.

I have put for you below the link to BCC's publication regarding getting one to one support from one of our volunteers, you are matched as near as we can to someone who is travelling the same path as yourself.  Support can be either by phone or email, it's up to you.  Have a look at the link and see what you think, I hope you find it helpful.  Please also don't forget you are most welcome to give our helpline team a call if you need to talk.  Calls are free 0808 800 6000 lines open weekdays 9-5 and Saturdays 10-2.

http://www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/about-breast-cancer-care/someone-me

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

[Minsterel]

Sending you lots of virtual hugs Madamjoj! Melt-down as you describe it is a terrible experience. I was there when I was told I had my recurrence- after fourteen years!

Take note of this: You are allowed to cry - it is a normal reaction to this roller-coaster into the unknown. Once you know what you are dealing with it should be easier. You did the right thing going to the Macmillan centre - talking it out is helpful. See if there is a support group you can make contact with - check on the Macmillan website, or ask at the centre.

The other thing worth considering is working with a psychologist - this is not an admission of defeat or a statement that you are 'loony'. It is a way of being helped to address and deal with the fears. Another great strategy is to write it all down,just get the fears out of your system. Manyyears ago my psychologist gave me a three day strategy like this:

Choose a time of day that is convenient

Day one - write down whatever it is that is worrying you

Day two - read what you have written - is there anything you can do about it - if so do so

Day three - Re-read what you have written,then tear it up slowly and deliberately and throw it away

The wait for your results may be tough, so engage yourself in activities you enjoy doing, you are also allowed to have fun!

Hope you have a good day today.

More hugs, Minsterel.

[madamjojohunt]

Aw girls, i had a total breakdown today.
I went for a chest xray....very anxious before the appointment....shaking, heart in my mouth, fast heavy breathing, even though xray/Ct scan are painless thing to have....after the xray was taken i just broke down. The nurses were lovely to me and sat me down for a bit to gather myself back together. Then i had to go for a CT scan. I Sat in waiting room staring at the walls in a mad daze the world flying past me....i was on my own because i thought i'll be ok it doesnt hurt i can do this one on my own... them i was called into the CT room, i looked at the equipment and fell apart again. Burst into tears and shaking again.
laid on the table thinking this is where things could get worse or things could be ok as in the results.
I felt a bit relieved once they were done but im dreading the results.
i was walking out the hospital people walking past, it was like what you see in the movies. Im slow motion and theyre zoomimg past!
The meltdown again. I went to the macmillan center at my hospital and spoke to a lovely lady called Dorothy. She gave me some good advice and i did ferl better. Not had a meltdown since then. This evening has been abit more positive.

[Minsterel]

Hi madamjojhunt,

Youtube has a wealth of resources to try. Try the ones by Jason Stephenson.

www.youtube.com/watch?v= jD3VxSGM-k&feature=youtu.be (hope I've copied that correctly!)

Here are some of the other ones I have used

www.meditationoasis.com

www.the-guided-meditation-site.com

www.omvana.com  you can get access to 25 free tracks

If you've not done this before, I suggest you look at the second and third links first.

Hope that helps,

Minsterel

[madamjojohunt]

Hi all
Thanks maggie for the advice and relaxation meditation sounds bliss...where and how do i start? Ive not taken part in that before?
sam, i got my node result and it was clear, was reacting to whats going on and had swelled up. Got to have a sentinial biopsy is it aswell?
I also have a name for my unwanted visitor HER2 negative.(anyone else been diagnised with that?) Im 1 in 5 apparently and as i said to the doc i like to be different!
Chemo starts in 2 weeks for 6 months to shring the lump then surgery.
i feel a bit relieved that things are moving on and coming together. But need to control the panic attacks.
Love to you all xx

[Minsterel]

Hi Maggie,

Ask here for the things you want to know as and when you need to know them. It is too easy to be overwhelmed with information. Concentrate on one step at a time. A freind of mine talks about my 'monkey mind' by this she means that it delights in chattering without stop about all the details and the fears. Her suggestion is to have a book to write in, and when 'monkey-mind' starts gabbling, write it down to evacuate it! The unknown is always the worst part of this journey. Once you know what the score is, then we can help you take it on a day by day basis.

Thinking of you,

Minsterel.

[maggie59]

Hi Everyone

Jo the title of your post is SO how I feel at the moment...getting the results of my MRI later today. Best case scenario is lumpectomy and radiotherapy and worst case....well, I daren't even let my mind go down that route.

Agree, must stop googling until I know for definite, although it seems that nothing is absolutely definite until after surgery. I have been researching everything from what to take into hospital to wigs, bras, chemo treatments....etc etc

If anyone had told me three weeks ago that I would be grateful to be told I needed an operation and radiotherapy I would have thought them mad. Now it would be a cause for celebration.

Hope all your results are good ones ladies.

[Minsterel]

I wish you strength in your new and  journey. My own original diagnosis was fourteen years ago. It was a very scary time. The support of friends around you, and wise words on a forum can make all the difference. I found keeping a journal very helpful. In it I recorded my feelings, the things  I did, the things that worked, the things that were good such as getting movement back in my arm after the mastectomy as well as all the negative stuff. This was not only carthartic, but it gave me things to look back to on the down days. I could see what I had done that helped. 

Find ways to relax and enjoy yourself; explore meditation as a tool to help you relax; cultivate a positive outlook - Life goes on or in every way better and better. Remember too that it is ok to cry and be angry, it is normal and it passes. If you need specific information, don't google it in a general way, go to sites you can trust such as this one, or Macmillan. Better still find a support association near you that can help you find reliable information. Take positve steps to learn about your illness as this can help you take back some control. 

Good luck, keep in touch.

Minstrerel

[madamjojohunt]

Thanks cazzie29
its taken me a week to actually come onto a cancer forum and discuss this with others going through similar process. It has helped tremendously. Hope all goes well with your treatment etc to. Will keep intouch xx

[madamjojohunt]

Wise words sam and i will definately take it on board. I know for a fact now thats its not been a help or comfort. What has are the words of encouragement and positivity from the people on this site. Im glad ive found it and asked for help and advice from people who have this terrible illness the same as me.
Love to all xx

[Cazzie29]

Hi Jo
Know the feeling! I was diagnosed today with stage 2 on a 5mm growth found on a routine mammogram. I also need an mri as i have dense breast tissue & they need to be sure that nothing is hidden, then it's the op & radiotherapy probably within the next month! Hope everything goes well for you tomorrow

[Brewster]

Hi Jo, have replied to you in another thread. But just to say when I found out I had triple negative I drive myself into despair googling statistics on the Internet, not helpful at all and made me very negative. However, I have stopped doing that.... A nurse should know better hey?? The most helpful thing for me has been the people on this forum and reading over all the very positive stories of ladies who have had quite extensive disease and positive nodes come out the other side just fine and still doing well after many years.

Good luck for tomorrow, let us know how you get on

Sam xxxx

[madamjojohunt]

Thanks helenrose
it means and helps alot to know how people deal with these things.
You hit the nail on the head with the googling and that did make me chuckle as its been non stop and i cant help it!
ive got my results of a biopsy that was taken from a node that showed on my mammogram tomorrow. Im not looking forward to more bad news as im only just begining to get my head round the diagnosis.
Everytime i think of a future event or time the fear takes my breath away xx

[HelenRose]

Hi Jo Poor you It's a tough time and you've every right to feel in a state of panic. The only thing i would say is it will settle down and the early days are the worst. You will stop "googling" yourself silly and looking at your loved ones and wondering will you be there for them .The answer is of course you will ! When I had my pre op assessment the general surgeon I saw said my prognosis with having breadt cancer was better than if I had heart disease or kidney problems - which puts it into perspective really Take each day as it comes and you'll get through this just fine xx

[Lucy_BCC]

Hi Jo and welcome to the BCC forums where you will find support and shared experiences from your fellow users

Please also feel free to call our helpliners to talk through any queries or concerns on 0808 800 6000, lines are open 9-5 during the week and 10-2 Saturdays

Here's a link to the younger women's area of the site where you will find lots of information and further support ideas which I hope you will find helpful:

https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/younger-women

Take care
Lucy BCC

[madamjojohunt]

Hi all,
Im 36 years old and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2 as it stands from the first biopsy. I say as it stand because its all i know anfim still going through tests.... Ct scan and MRI to go... can the stage change the more tests you have if its picked up elsewhere??
so far i've had an ultrasound of my armpits and a mammogram which showed one lymphnode. I go back to hosiptal tomorrow for the result. Scarred again is an understatement.
The lady who done the ultrasound and biopsy of the node said it could just be reacting to whats going on is a possibility and the lump is small so ive caught it early, that gave me some reasurrance but im still fearing the worst.
I fear the results from my scans will show its spread, every ache pain and twinge i get means it has spread.
Im used to the cancer word now and try to think positive. But its hard.
I know i have it and its stage and size at the moment but when i think again of the further tests i panic again and think of all these other things.
I have 3 beautiful children and recently got married (before i knew i had bc) it was the day after my wedding i got the results.
words of wisdom help and comfort would be a great help right now.

Jo x